Chapter 8 #3
Max had guessed River wasn’t straight. When he asked him, for the first time in his life, River didn’t lie.
Max wanted to sign him but there was one condition.
River had to pretend to be straight for the time being.
Once he was established and seen first and foremost as a talented actor, then he could come out as bi.
Except he wasn’t bi. He was gay. Max knew he was gay.
River had shrugged off any suggestion he wasn’t into women. Not even Dila knew he was gay rather than bi, though he supposed she might have guessed. But their relationship, like River’s previous two, was a match purely for PR purposes.
The first was a talented slightly older actress linked to talented young actor. The second was a gifted violinist linked to amazing young actor. Now, a popular singer linked to going-places actor. Little time had been spent with any of them because they were all busy with their careers.
Though River saw now what he hadn’t seen the first time Max had proposed a fake relationship, that when they split up, he could hardly come out as gay when he’d been in a relationship with a woman for months.
It would make them both look bad. Just as splitting with him now while he was in recovery would make Dila look like a real bitch.
So being gay was a secret he had to keep. Maybe he’d call himself bi for a while, when he did come out, though that didn’t sit comfortably in his heart. It was unfair to those who were bi, as well as unfair to himself or anyone he might be with. Shit.
A full circle of thought and now his head hurt.
River might not like being pressured to hide his sexual identity, but he knew Max was right.
He wouldn’t have been given the roles he’d played if people had known.
Maybe not even the role as the alien in Kaden’s Monster, filming this autumn.
Even if he could pull himself together and learn to walk, talk and read like a normal human being, that might be undone if someone important didn’t want a main character who was gay.
He wasn’t the first actor to hide his sexual orientation.
In the past, hiding was a lot more prevalent, but even today men and women who’d been in the business for years were coming out as gay when he’d thought they were straight.
He clung onto the knowledge that one day, he’d be prepared to prioritise his happiness over parts he might want.
Not just his happiness, but that of whoever he was with because everyone needed someone, and not a pretend girlfriend who had reasons of her own for playing that role.
And he’d already fucked up with Newt. Kissing him, then fleeing. Why the hell had Max employed a cute guy to live with him?
Unless…
Really? River tensed. Had Max done it deliberately, knowing what might happen, thinking he was doing River some sort of favour? Though had he ever told Max the type of guy he was into? He probably had.
He remembered what Newt had said when they’d first met…
I’d do a striptease, but I’m not your type, am I?
and River had assumed he meant— not his type because Newt was gay and he thought River wasn’t—but he might have meant because he was dark-haired and skinny and assumed River was into something different or Max had told him River was into something different. I’m not.
He gave a heavy sigh. River knew nothing about Newt.
He couldn’t even look him up on social media.
He had to trust that Max had done his due diligence.
How had Max found him? When River thought about it, the plan hadn’t been for Max to find someone to stay with him when his parents left.
Max had been going to stay, so where had Newt come from?
Had Max seen him and thought… He’ll keep River happy.
Was Newt being paid to have sex with him? His stomach roiled.
River would have banged his head against the tree again if he hadn’t had some sense knocked into him a few moments ago.
The truth was, Newt was exactly the sort of guy River looked for on the porn channels.
Well, he had when he’d been able to use the internet.
Maybe Max thought any good-looking gay guy would do.
Don’t be such an idiot.
River could feel the hole he was digging growing deeper. So many assumptions and none were necessarily right.
Though one thing was clear. In one respect, nothing had changed.
River needed to keep his head straight—oh the irony—and his hands off.
His head hadn’t been straight since he’d found himself looking at Gary Marsden’s arse in basketball at school and got an erection.
He’d had to fake an injury and double over to get off the court without the tent in his shorts being seen.
River’s relationship with Newt had to return to its normal settings.
Newt was there to look after him. And not in that way.
Even if Newt now thought River was gay or bi, an NDA had been signed.
Max trusted him to keep his mouth shut about River’s brain damage, and that applied to his sexuality too.
It wasn’t as if anything had actually happened. Just a kiss at a moment of excitement.
River felt better. More settled. What had happened was a one-off and not going to happen again.
He pushed himself up, got his balance, and carried on walking.
He didn’t need to think about it anymore.
What he needed to do was concentrate on where he put his feet and not go too far because he had to walk all the way back.
The exercise was good for him. Jorge the Jerk had told him he should be doing more, and he was right about that at least.
There was movement in the trees just ahead and River stopped, then gaped when he realised it was a fox.
For a moment or two, the pair of them just stared at each other before two cubs bounded into view.
Oh my God. River had seen foxes before but never cubs.
They are so sweet. As one of the cubs ran towards River, the mother intercepted it, guiding it away.
As the trio moved off, River followed, hoping to see a little more of them.
Distraction along with speed was his undoing, because the mound of earth he’d stepped onto, suddenly dropped away beneath his feet.
He cried out as he slid and kept sliding.
He hadn’t realised how far he’d strayed to the right. He was heading for the river.
He flailed with his gloved hands, trying to find something to hang onto but he hit the water and went under.
When his head came up, he gasped. Fuck it’s cold.
And deep. Too deep to put his feet down and the current already had him, sweeping him along.
“Ap…” Water rushed into his mouth. He spat it out and tried to call for help. “Ap! Ap! Ap!”
Who was there to hear? And help wasn’t the word he was saying.
He had to get himself out of this, but his jacket and shoes were pulling him down.
Oh God. After all he’d been through and this was going to kill him?
He tried to kick and pull through the water with his arms to reach the side but he was weak and the bank wasn’t getting any closer.
In desperation, he stopped trying to swim and instead tried to float with his feet downstream and kept calling for help.
He was lying deeper in the water now, his soaked clothing pulling him under.
They’d know this was an accident, right? Not think he’d delib— He coughed as water rushed into his mouth.
“Jesus Christ! River!”
He heard Newt’s voice and a moment later, there was a splash and Newt was in the water with him, next to him, holding him up, dragging him to the side. Am I imagining this? He went under again and was hauled up.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” Newt snapped in his ear. “Kick.”
He tried to. He had no idea how Newt managed it, but he kept dragging him until River felt his heels hit the bottom. Newt tugged until they were on their hands and knees on the outside of a bend where the water was shallow, gasping for breath, freezing cold, but alive.
“I’m going to get my coat.” Newt hauled him to a sitting position and ran off. When he came back, he draped his jacket over River’s shoulders and hauled him to his feet. River wasn’t sure he could walk.
“It’s not far,” Newt told him, his teeth chattering, water dripping down his face. “One foot in front of the other.”
River walked. Well, he tried to. Newt pulled River’s arm over his shoulder, supporting him as they staggered through a field towards a gate.
“Strange place to go swimming when you have a lovely pool.”
River didn’t try to speak. He felt too tired to take another step, but every time he flagged, Newt dragged him on.
“Max will kill me. You nearly drowned. Christ!”
Another ten metres and River’s knees gave way.
“No.” Newt yanked him upright. “You have to keep going. I’m not strong enough to carry you.”
River felt as if he was in some sort of fugue state, his mind not registering the reality of the situation, apart from feeling as if he was freezing to death. All he could think about was putting one foot in front of the other.
When Newt propped him up by the gate to tap the code into the keypad, he was shocked they’d made it back.
“Nearly there,” Newt said. “We’ll go in through the back door and use the pool shower. That way we’re not dragging a mess through the house. And yes, I’m talking about you.”
River saved his final collapse for the boot room.
This time Newt let him slide down but stopped him slumping hard onto the floor.
River’s eyes closed. He was aware of Newt stripping him, aware of wishing this was under different circumstances—God, I’m still an idiot then?
—and found himself hauled upright. They were both wearing boxers.
When River’s legs failed to work, Newt somehow managed to lift him and carry him to the pool room.
“Bloody hell,” Newt panted and let River settle down on the floor of the shower.
When the warm water fell on him, River moaned.
“I’ll turn the temperature up in a moment.”
They sat next to each other, leaning back against the tiles, hugging their knees, faces tipped up to the flow.
Eventually, River stopped shivering. But he was completely exhausted. Even as Newt washed his hair for him, he could feel consciousness slipping away.