Zak
ZAK
Tugging off my helmet, I grab my towel and wipe the sweat from my face, breathing hard. I go to the gym four times a week, but it’s nothing compared with the cardio of lacrosse practice. At my side, Sol pushes his hair from his forehead and tosses me my water bottle.
“That was intense,” I wheeze, shaking my head as I gulp at the cold liquid. My phone sits on the bench next to my towel and I tap the screen, my heart sinking to see that Jaime hasn’t replied. Not that she had anything to reply to. When her text had come through right at the end of a water break, I’d typed out my reply without thinking. A rookie mistake. I can’t afford to miss opportunities like that.
Sol scoffs, tipping his head back and chugging his own water. Coach Pearson is working us harder than ever this year, and we’ve already played and won one of the pre-season friendlies, with the next this weekend against Seattle. As much as I love lacrosse, I’m glad we only have a couple weeks of this. It’s far too fucking cold for a start.
“It’s just not the same when the grass crunches under your feet, is it?” Sol says, reading my thoughts.
I grunt in agreement and head in the direction of the locker room, steam rising from my body like I’m a freaking vampire in sunlight. Every step of the way, I feel Sol’s questioning gaze on my back. He doesn’t press me, though. In fact, he doesn’t say a single word while we shower and change with the rest of the team. I know he’s trying to do the right thing, but his thoughtful silence only makes things worse.
“Just ask,” I snap as we trudge our way across the common toward the Den. “I can’t take any more.”
“Relax, man.” Sol holds his hands up in mock surrender. “I know these early morning practices suck after having the summer off, but you’re never usually this grumpy. I’m worried.”
I shake my head. The truth is, I’m worried, too. Ever since I bumped into Jaime in Portland, she’s been on my mind. My obsession might be a running joke, but I haven’t actually spent every waking hour of the last three years thinking about her. Although, apparently, that is something I do now.
This must be what addiction feels like. I had one little taste, and now all I can think about is how to get more. It’s a freaking minefield, though. After she gave me her number at the party, I was reluctant to text her in case I came on too strong and scared her away. So, when she messaged me first, to tell me about getting the internship, I couldn’t believe it. And then I didn’t give her a reason to text back.
Maybe I should text her.
Fuck.
“Seriously.” Sol reaches out and clasps my shoulder. “Whatever it is, I promise I won’t give you shit about it.”
“You know what it’s about.”
He winces. “Jaime?”
“Jaime.”
He doesn’t say another word as we make our way up the winding gravel path to the Den, and I sigh in relief as I push open the door to be greeted by the warmth of the lit fireplace. I dump my kit bag unceremoniously in the entry hall and head through to our side of the Den. Both living rooms are free to be used by any of the twenty-one wolves, but one side is reverently left unoccupied for our triad.
Alex is already sprawled in his favorite chair, a laptop open on his thighs and a pensive frown on his face. I nod at him when he looks up and throw myself down in my chair, draping my legs over the arm and closing my eyes.
“Practice that good, huh?” Alex asks.
I grunt and he doesn’t press any further.
A minute later, something hard smacks me in the chest and I open my eyes to find a packet of peanut M&Ms nestled in my sweatshirt. Looking up, I watch Sol settle into his chair, his phone in his hand.
“Thanks, man,” I say, already feeling a little lighter as I tear open the packet.
Alex makes a gagging noise to my left. “It’s not even ten in the morning and you’re already eating that shit?”
In answer, I throw four of the brightly colored candies into my mouth and turn to face him, chewing with my mouth open.
Alex wrinkles his nose and turns back to his screen. “You’re a fucking disgrace.”
“You going to tell us or what?” Sol asks.
I turn my head his way, holding up the packet. “Is that what this was? A bribe?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. Now spill.”
I don’t even know where to start. Staring at the flickering flames in the enormous fireplace, I try to sift through the reasons behind my mood but fail. In some ways I’m no closer to Jaime than I have been any other year, but at the same time, there’s something different. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
“Has Jaime ever dated?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
Alex laughs, his attention never leaving his screen. “You’re her stalker. If you don’t know, no one does.”
“Helpful.” I scowl. “Thank you.”
“No. She’s never had a boyfriend,” Sol offers.
“Yeah, but she definitely hooked up at least once.”
My head whips to Alex. “She what now?”
He looks up, glancing between me and Sol. “Sophomore year, I ran into her in the hallway the morning after a party. Pretty sure she hooked up with Hodgson.”
Hodgson graduated last year, so I can’t kick his ass. My teeth clench. “Why the fuck don’t I know about this?”
Alex shrugs. “Because I knew it would upset you.”
I shake my head. “I can’t believe this. I’m a big boy, I could have taken it. I was seeing Ariana that year.”
“Exactly. This happened, like, a week after you broke it off with her.”
I open my mouth to argue but snap it shut. As much as I hate to admit it, Alex is right. It would have destroyed me. It still fucking hurts now and the news is over a year old.
“Maybe it’s time to admit that you’re the problem,” Alex says.
I don’t even look at him. “Fuck off.”
He laughs to himself, but his teasing words wedge themselves uncomfortably between my ribs. Am I the problem? Part of me says no because she hasn’t had another boyfriend. Getting a little drunk and scratching an itch doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean, I would have been more than willing to help her out, but clearly, she didn’t take that avenue.
“Or maybe,” Alex drawls. “Jaime is a distraction from a bigger problem.”
“What are you talking about?” I turn my head toward him, shifting so he can enjoy the full force of my confused expression.
“I mean,” he says, glancing at Sol again. “Maybe there’s something bigger that you’re avoiding by putting all of your focus on Jaime.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “When did you change your major to psychiatry? Did I miss a memo?”
Alex shrugs and goes back to his laptop.
Angrily crunching on a handful of sugar-coated peanuts, and avoiding Sol’s stare, I pretend Alex’s words haven’t wormed their way under my skin. My stomach clenches in a way that I don’t think has anything to do with my sugar consumption as echoes of the conversation I had with Jaime at Joe For Joe sound in my head.
Am I really lacking direction? I guess I am. But having no plans after college is normal for a lot of people. Just because I’m not walking into a high-powered job doesn’t mean anything. Lots of people haven’t got it all figured out by twenty-two. I’m not worried.
I glare at Alex out of the corner of my eye. Asshole .
No. Any worry I’m feeling is solely about Jaime. And that’s only because there’s so much more pressure to make things happen. We’re already more than halfway through September. There are only eight months left for me to convince Jaime that I’m everything she needs.
“Have you ever considered you might not actually get along?” Sol’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
I turn my head to look at him. “What?”
“I mean, have you spent any time alone together? Do you even have anything in common?”
“We have lots in common,” I retort. “And we actually had coffee in Portland last week.”
Sol’s eyebrows shoot up. “You what? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug. “I don’t tell you everything.”
“Yes, you fucking do. Even if it’s shit I don’t want to know.”
Rolling my eyes, I return my gaze to the fire. I don’t need dating advice from either of them. Alex is an unapologetic manwhore who I can’t imagine settling down before he’s fifty, if ever. And Sol hasn’t had a relationship the entire time we’ve been at Franklin West. No. I need to trust my gut. It hasn’t steered me wrong so far, and it’s telling me to step things up. I’ve been biding my time, but that can’t be my play anymore. No more waiting.
Tugging my phone from the pocket of my sweats, I pull up her contact.
ME: When can I take you out for a celebratory coffee?
I go to put it back in my pocket, but it vibrates in my hand, and I lift it back to my face in surprise.
KITTY CAT: I’m on my way to the airport, so not anytime soon
ME: Airport? Where you going? Is it to do with the internship?
I watch the screen, waiting for her response. Where the hell is she going mid-week this early in the semester? A jolt of nervous energy shoots in my gut as I wonder whether something bad happened. Maybe it’s something to do with her family . . .
KITTY CAT: Florida. And no. I wish
She’s originally from Florida, so maybe it is something to do with her family. If she wanted to tell me what was going on, she would have, so I resign myself to scowling at the screen as I hold back from pressing for more information.
ME: Any idea when you’ll be back?
KITTY CAT: As soon as I can
I blow out a slow breath. Vague as hell. I might be reading into things, but her response makes me think it’s not a sick or dying relative.
ME: Well, let me know when you’re back and we can celebrate. K?
She responds to my message with a thumbs up, and I sigh.
“Are you done?” Alex asks, his eyebrows raised as he peers at me from over his laptop. “That was like a lesson on the many ways to expel air.”
“Fuck off.”
Sol’s questioning gaze bores into me like it has all morning, but I keep my attention on my phone, staring at our conversation. I know from articles in The Howl that Jaime’s top of her class, winning some sort of award or special recognition every year. It really wasn’t a surprise that she got that internship. I have no doubt that if she wants to take over the world, she will.
My gaze moves past my phone to Alex, who’s frowning at his laptop again. His father owns half the East Coast, and I know Alex is going straight to a top-level position at his company after graduation—right into a world of board meetings and expensive suits.
I glance over at where Sol’s tapping away on his phone. He’s already applying to internships for next year where he’ll train as a physical therapist for disabled athletes.
Goals. Dreams. And I have no doubt that my two best friends will make every one of them come true. Jaime, too. I’m happy for them.
But what about me? It’s not that I don’t have options. It’s that none of those options make me feel . . . anything. Jaime’s the only thing besides lacrosse that’s ever made me feel excited, and even I know that’s not enough.
My mood sinks further as I realize maybe I am a little more worried about the future than I thought. Being surrounded by people with such clear goals certainly doesn’t help. Maybe I should just take my mom up on her offer and take a position at CHIPnique. Maybe I’ll like it.
My fingers reach for another M&M, but then fall to my stomach, my appetite suddenly gone.