Chapter 35
CHAPTER 35
“Get off me, ye oaf!” Callum protested, shoving Noah away from him as he pulled himself to his feet. “What in the devil has got into ye?” Callum snapped as he threw down his sword.
A light rain had started falling as they sparred in the courtyard, and Noah’s blows had grown steadily heavier as he had taken his frustration and anger out on his friend.
Callum had a nick in his arm, which was bleeding, the blood spreading out in a wide stain as the rain soaked into his léine .
Noah got to his feet, his own sword left on the ground as the guards came forward to gather them.
“Are ye tryin’ to kill me, is that it?” Callum barked. It was difficult to truly anger his friend, but it appeared that Noah had managed it.
“I am sorry,” he muttered.
“Ye should be. I spar with ye to train, not to get sliced to pieces.” Callum huffed, pulling his léine up to look at his wound. “It is nae as though I can go to the healer, is it?” he spat.
There was a weighted silence, and then Callum sighed, his breath visible in the heavy evening air as the rain began to fall in a deluge all about them.
“I am sorry,” he muttered.
“Why should ye be sorry?” Noah asked threateningly. “I dinnae care that she’s gone.”
She left without saying goodbye. When I went to find her, she was gone, as though she had never been there . I dinnae care. I am better off alone.
“Ye’re a fool, and I’m a fool for lettin’ ye act this way,” Callum stated. “Ye cannae fix her absence by drowning yerself in whisky and attackin’ half yer staff.”
“I can try,” Noah retorted, spinning on his heel and stalking into the castle gardens, determined to shut out the world for a few minutes.
“Go inside man, it is rainin’!” Callum’s voice sounded from behind him, but he paid him no heed.
Perhaps a fever will strike me down and I’ll have to send for her, he thought bitterly.
He walked out of the main courtyard and beneath an archway into the main gardens, looking about him at the sparse number of flowers on display. The gardens at MacAllen Castle were of a far simpler design than Dougal Castle. His sister favored color, but Noah had never been fond of flowers.
He was glad that all he could see were the heavy heads of the white roses, weighed down by the rain as they bobbed up and down in the gathering dark.
Whenever he saw any flowers he imagined weaving them into Kiera’s hair, and he had avoided looking at them for days. He loved that raven hair—and now he would never see it again.
“And that is for the best,” he told the roses firmly. They nodded their heads at him as the rain continued to fall. “Aye, at least the flowers agree with me,” he grumbled, walking to a wooden bench and throwing himself onto it with a satisfying splat as he displaced the surface water in a smattering of droplets.
He had never felt worse in his life.
He had not considered that Keira would leave on the same night . With her brother’s condition, he had assumed he would at least be able to bid her farewell the following day.
That would undoubtedly have been worse. I cannae keep me hands to meself at the best of times. I probably would have held her and never let her leave.
He sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair and looking up at the miserable sky, letting the cold drops cascade down over him, wishing they would wash away the ache in his chest and the sadness in his heart.
“Noah Black!”
Noah jolted violently as he opened his eyes, looking up into the face of his heavily pregnant sister as she marched toward him. A traveling cloak covered most of her clothing, but the rain still soaked her through.
Jack was running up behind her looking scandalized that she would walk through the rain like this and clearly softly trying to persuade her to return to the castle.
“One moment, Jack,” she said kindly and squeezed his hand as she came to stand over Noah, glaring at him furiously. “Have ye lost yer senses? Ye will catch a fever and ye are far worse than any man alive when ye are ill.” She stopped and then raised her eyebrows at him. “Or is that yer intention.”
“Away with ye,” he growled.
“Are ye goin’ to make yer sister and the bairn stand in the rain all night?” Jack asked savagely.
“I havenae made her do anythin’! I was mindin’ me own business,” Noah said defensively. “And Amelia has always liked the rain, or did ye nae ken that?”
“Noah,” Amelia’s voice was gentle. “Come inside.”
He sighed, knowing it was no use arguing with her. Jack was glowering at him as he tried to coax his wife back into the castle and Noah rose, water running off his clothing in rivulets as he followed them.
He passed Callum on the way, who was standing watching them with a gloomy expression on his face. Noah knew he would have to make up for his terrible behavior toward him later. After all he had done for him, he owed Callum his life, not a slice through the arm.
If Keira were here, she would tell me I’m a brute and she’d be right.
They entered the main hall where a merry fire was burning. Noah assumed that Amelia had instructed for it to be lit because since Keira had left him, he had enjoyed walking through the castle in the darkness. It made her absence less painful.
“Sit.” Amelia commanded as Jack carefully removed her cloak and maneuvered his wife toward the fire.
“Ye should warm yerself,” he said as Amelia rolled her eyes at him. “It’s nae good for the bairn for ye to be cold,” he insisted.
“Do ye wish me to get into the fire, me love? Because that is how close ye are pushin’ me to it. I am fine, dinnae worry. This babe is safe and warm inside me and fully in agreement that I need to give his uncle a piece of me mind.”
“It’s a boy, is it?” Noah asked wryly.
“Whatever it is, he or she is in agreement that ye are bein’ an unbearable monster. What is the matter with ye?”
“What are ye doin’ here?” Noah asked, glaring at her. “I dinnae ask for ye to endure me company. Go back to Dougal castle if I am so disagreeable,” he said angrily and collapsed into a chair, waving a hand to a manservant who swiftly bought him a glass of whisky. He ignored Amelia’s disapproving look and took a large mouthful of it.
“Am I permitted one of those?” Jack asked. “Or are ye in such bad humor ye have forgotten how to host yer guests.”
“I dinnae expect any guests, did I?” Noah thundered, but after a short pause to glare at him, he nodded at the servant, who bought Jack a whisky and Amelia asked for some sweet tea which he went off to fetch.
“Ye are a mess, Noah Black,” Amelia said. “I never thought I would see ye in this state,” she chided, taking a seat opposite him and looking at him with far too much understanding in her eyes.
Jack went to stand by the fireside, looking into the flames, swirling the liquid in the glass, clearly pretending not to be listening to their hushed conversation.
“Where is she?” Amelia asked.
At that, Jack looked back, seemingly confused, and Noah frowned at him all the more.
“Where is who?” Noah asked, knocking the rest of his whisky down and raising his glass for another.
Amelia promptly plucked it out of his grip and handed it to Jack, who placed it on the mantelpiece behind him. Noah opened his mouth to protest, but Amelia fixed him with a frighteningly angry gaze, and he closed it again.
“I hate ye both,” he muttered.
“Where is the healer?” Amelia asked, and Jack’s eyes snapped to Noah’s, looking intrigued now.
“Ah, so that is what this is about,” he said.
“Ye can be quiet, Dougal, or I’ll knock ye out,” Noah said sincerely.
“Are ye goin’ to attack me husband, or answer me question?” Amelia replied, entirely unfazed by his manner. “It is a simple request.”
Noah was mortified to find that he could feel tears building behind his eyes. He tamped them down with a force of will, grimacing as his sister took his hand in hers. Her slim, cool fingers reminded him of Keira’s and made his chest ache all the more.
“She is gone,” he said, surprised by the hoarse quality of his voice as he spoke the words.
“Where?” Amelia asked.
“I sent her away. It was for the best. She will be happy in the new world, and I can continue as before. Things are as they should be.”
“How?” Amelia asked, her gaze intense. “Who is this benefitting Noah? Ye may be plagued by yer demons but ye are nae the same man our faither was.”
“Oh yes? And how do ye ken that?”
“Because she kens ye , ye daft dobber,” Jack cried, shaking his head and tutting under his breath.
“Ye believe that our faither’s madness runs in yer veins?” Amelia continued. “Yet there has been nae evidence of it. Faither was nae a good man throughout his life, ye have been. Ye may have a temper, but faither’s was different. Ye always lose yer temper for a cause, or because somethin’ is unjust. He ranted at anyone for no reason at all. There is a difference.”
Noah sighed, running a hand over his face and leaning forward. He held his sister’s hand in his own and examined her palm as though it held the answer to his future.
“Ye cannae ken that,” he said softly.
“I can. I do,” she said. “I dinnae think ye sent her away because ye fear ye’ll be like him.” Noah looked up at her in confusion. “I think ye sent her away because ye are scared she is exactly what ye need, and ye think ye arenae good enough for her.”
Noah sprang to his feet, flicking an irritated glance at Dougal, who was watching him with the same expression as his wife. Noah went to lean against the mantelpiece, wishing this conversation could be over.
“Ye ken what I think?” Amelia continued.
“Ye havenae already said enough?” Noah grunted.
“Ye arenae a monster. Ye are a good man. But if ye deny yerself love and companionship for the rest of yer days, then ye will become exactly what ye fear. Nae man can survive in this world without comfort and care, nae woman for that matter. We all need people to love, Noah. It’s what makes life worth livin’.”
Noah rubbed absently at his chest, the ache throbbing gently in the background.
“Have ye ever had chest pain with the healer close by?” Jack asked, breaking the tension in the room.
“I’ll ask ye to keep out of this, Dougal.”
“He is tryin’ to help ye, ye great fool.” Amelia stated, glancing at her husband and giving him a warm, loving smile that made Noah’s chest ache even more. “Answer the question.”
Noah thought back to the times when his chest had been bad and the methods Keira had used to calm him—the breathing, the distraction, and her very presence had always helped to soothe him. He had experienced pain around her, but it had always faded with her care and attention.
Whenever she had soothed him or she had been present, the chest pain had gone away. Now, with her absence, it had been a constant thing. Keira had been adamant that the pain stemmed from his mind. Perhaps she was right.
“Nay,” he confessed, glancing at Jack reluctantly. “Nay, I havenae. It usually started when she wasnae about, and she would resolve it. She always made me feel… better,” he confessed, embarrassed to admit the truth.
To his surprise, Jack wasn’t smug or superior about what he had said; he simply nodded, exchanging a knowing glance with Amelia.
“I thought as much,” his sister said. “And have ye ever had chest pain when ye thought of her?”
Noah sighed. “Aye, when I thought she was hurt. I had to be sure she was well, and then it left me again. She thinks…” another furtive glance at Jack, “she thinks it’s all in me head.”
Amelia nodded. “Well whatever the cause, one thing is certain—she calms ye braither. Ye are without her now and ye are clearly in pain. Do ye think that might be a coincidence? I have never seen ye so lovesick in me life.”
“I am nae lovesick!” he protested as Amelia just chuckled affectionately.
“Ye are in melancholy then. She is good for ye. That was clear from the beginnin’. Ye seemed calmer and more relaxed when we came to visit last. I remarked as much when we went back home, did I nae?”
Jack nodded, and Noah looked between them, trying to find the words to express his feelings without exposing himself completely. He cleared his throat, scratching at his chest absently.
“I am nae good enough for her,” Noah confessed—he was surprised at how good it felt to finally say it aloud. “She is a good and carin’ woman, who is selfless and strong and pure. I daenae deserve her.”
Jack placed his whiskey on the mantelpiece and took a step forward.
“I dinnae deserve yer sister, either, Noah, but I worked hard to win her, and prove myself worthy of her. Just as ye should.”
Noah looked up at him, the sincerity on his brother-in-law’s face surprising him.
“Aye well, ye’ve done well enough,” he grunted, and Jack just chuckled.
“Ye told me ye were worried ye would be possessive like our faither,” Amelia said suddenly. “Ye said that ye wouldnae be able to let her go once ye had her; is that what ye still believe?”
Noah’s chest tightened. “I’d never wish to treat a woman the way faither treated maither.”
“Alright then, there’s a way to resolve this,” Amelia said matter-of-factly. It was infuriating how calm she could be when Noah was in such turmoil. “I want you to imagine Keira fallin’ in love with another man.”
Noah straightened, his shoulders tensing at the very idea, but his sister kept going without pausing for breath.
“Imagine it. Imagine the man; she’s utterly besotted, happy, and even married.” Noah scowled. “Would ye hurt her? Would ye start wars and kill people for her?”
Noah thought about it. It was true; the idea of Keira with anyone else sent fury racing through him. He saw her as his but not as a possession. She had been treated badly, and he wished to undo it, to treasure her as she ought to be treasured. He thought of her being happy with another, in the arms of another, and despite the pain it caused him to think of that, he shook his head.
“If she wanted the other man, and he treated her well…nay. I would never do anythin’ to hurt her… or the lover, for that matter. She deserves to be the happiest woman in this world. I couldnae bear to see her cry.”
Perhaps he had finally found someone who was strong enough to accept his love, no matter what happened. Who, in spite of all they might face together, was a match for him in every way.
“Oh my…” that was Jack’s voice. “He’s finally…”
Noah’s head snapped up to look at him, narrowing his eyes at Laird Dougal.
“I’ve finally what?” he demanded, looking between them and wanting to throw something at Jack’s smug face as he smirked mysteriously at Amelia and finished his dram.
“Think about it, brother,” Amelia repeated. “Are ye sure ye wouldnae hurt anyone who she chose for her own?”
Noah scratched his chin, ignoring Jack and contemplating that idea. “Well… I might pluck out me eyes so I dinnae have to witness anyone else touchin’ her, but nae.”
Amelia was grinning now. “Ye see? Ye’re nothin’ like him, Noah! Ye understand that people follow their heart. Sometimes that means lettin’ them go. That is somethin’ our faither never understood. Ye deserve happiness.” She walked forward, clasping his hands in her own and looking at him with such earnestness he felt tears loom again. “Go and find her and make ye both happy.”
He stared at her, those familiar green eyes looking back at him with such certainty he almost believed it would be as simple as she had said.
He felt the resolve harden in his veins as he wondered whether he would be too late. It would not be long before Keira left for the boat—perhaps she already had. The thought was agony.
“If she’ll have me,” he said firmly, “I’ll move heaven and earth to make her happy.”