Chapter 6
T he next day is much like the day before. After English, Ethan walks me to my next class. I don’t question it this time—I’m sure he wouldn’t give me a straight answer even if I did.
When we get to the door of the classroom, he does this funny thing with his hand. Like maybe he wants to reach for me? He stops his hand before it comes in contact with mine and lifts it in a wave. I wave back and walk inside, wondering for the rest of the class what that was all about.
When lunch rolls around, I meet Crystal at her locker and we head to the cafeteria. The only thing I like about having first lunch is that Crystal does too. Other than that, it’s a total disaster. Who wants to eat pizza and french fries at eleven-thirty in the morning?
As we walk, Crystal chats about her AP English class. I’m only half listening, up in my head about Ethan when I feel an arm drape around my shoulder. It could only be Ethan since he’s the only person that does that. I glance up at him, catching his wide smile as he looks at me.
“Why are you so weird?” I ask in a low voice.
The deep rumble of his laugh makes me smile. He has a really nice laugh. “Just saying hi. Dang, creep. You’re mean.”
“Hey, don’t tease my friend,” Crystal says, smiling up at Ethan.
“He’s my friend too, and he likes my teasing,” he jokes back. I know my cheeks are bright freaking red. He’s right; I do like when he teases me. I know it’s not done with any malice, and it makes me feel like he really does want to be my friend.
The three of us go through the lunch line, loading up our trays. Instead of letting Crystal and me go to our normal table, though, Ethan directs us in the opposite direction. “You two are sitting with me today.”
Sitting with Ethan is…different. He does not stop talking. He’s super animated, moving his hands around as he tells a story about something that happened at practice the day before.
It’s funny, I’ve watched him while we were at lunch before and I can’t remember the last time he’d looked like this when he was talking. Usually, he’s more subdued. He never looked sad, but not this happy either.
Ethan is in the middle of telling me and Crystal the rest of his story when two new arrivals come to the table. Seeing both make me clam up—Dawn, Ethan’s ex, and Tim, one of Ethan’s teammates.
Tim was the jock that I gave head to during the summer who pretended he didn’t know me when I saw him a few weeks later at another house party.
I haven’t been this close to him since then, avoiding him as best I can.
Thank God we don’t have any classes together this year. I don’t think I could handle that.
Dawn looks at me and Crystal and rolls her eyes. She slides closer to Ethan, but he scoffs, putting some distance between them. Her face falls and I start to feel bad for her...
…until she opens her mouth. “So who invited the rejects to sit here?” Her tone is snooty and she looks at me and Crystal like we’re shit on the bottom of her shoe.
I pull my lips in and grab my tray, intent on leaving to go back to our usual table.
Ethan grabs my hand, forcing me to take my seat once again.
I drop heavily back down on the bench seat and raise an eyebrow at him, but he’s not looking at me.
He’s looking at Dawn. “I did. Do you have a problem with that?”
It’s a shame that she’s such a bitch. Dawn is a very pretty girl. Light brown-skinned with long, pretty curly hair, big doe eyes, full lips and chubby cheeks that make her look adorable when she’s smiling, and innocent when she’s not. But damn, the girl is mean.
She bats her eyes at Ethan and I feel a twinge of jealousy. It’s irrational, I know, but I don’t like her looking at him like that.
No, it’s not jealousy. It’s irritation. Because she broke his heart and left him a drunken mess at a party.
I watched him take shot after shot because of their breakup.
That was the one and only night I was going to pluck up the courage to go help Ethan.
Luckily—or unluckily, depending on how you look at it—Ryder, the quarterback of the football team, drove him home.
It hurt to see him in such bad shape because of her.
“I was just wondering,” she tells him in a sickly sweet voice. “They’ve never sat here before.” Her excuse for being rude is flimsy and it makes me dislike her more.
Ethan rolls his eyes and says, “Well, they are now. You’re welcome to sit somewhere else if you don’t like it.
Literally, anywhere else.” His tone is dry and it’s hilarious.
I chuckle behind my hand and her eyes shoot daggers at me, but she doesn’t say anything.
When it’s obvious we’re not going to leave, Dawn scoffs, picks up her tray, and leaves.
Tim hasn’t said a word. He has his head down, looking at his phone. Crystal is glaring at him as if she can will him to look at her so she can go off. I nudge her and when she looks at me, I shake my head.
Stop.
She narrows her eyes at me, but nods. I look over at Ethan and he’s looking back and forth between the two of us, then at Tim. I hope he doesn’t put two and two together.
No such luck.
I actually see when it clicks in his head.
His eyes get wide and he clenches his jaw.
He opens his mouth but I grab his hand, and when he looks at me, my eyes are pleading.
Yeah, it was fucked up what Tim did, but it’s not my place to out anybody.
It would be nice if he wasn’t in the closet, either being gay, bi, or pan, but I’m not going to be the one to make him confront his sexuality.
While I don’t blame myself for falling for his shit, I could have said no.
I wanted to be with him, so I did it. I didn’t love the consequences, but I’m not going to out him because he’s a coward.
One, because it’s not fair, and two, because I don’t want any attention on me. I don’t want people in my business.
Ethan looks down at my hand, then back at me. We keep eye contact for a few seconds, then he nods. I let out the breath I’m holding and slide my hand from his. I look over and see Crystal gaping at us before she covers her expression.
I give her a questioning look, but she only shakes her head, still wide-eyed.
Belatedly, I realize that the three of us just had three separate conversations without uttering a single word. It would be funny if the situation wasn’t so fucked up.
After lunch, Crystal heads to class in the opposite direction and I expect Ethan to do the same. Instead, he slings his arm around my shoulder, asking where my next class is. He seems intent on walking me there, so I tell him, butterflies dancing in my belly as we walk.
When we arrive, Ethan grabs my hand before I step away. I look at our joined hands, then at him, curiously.
Ethan blows out a deep breath before he speaks. “Was it…” he starts but doesn’t finish. I know what he’s asking, but it’s not the time or place for me to tell him.
“Can I come over today?” I ask, instead of giving him a straight answer. “When you’re done with practice? We can talk then.”
“Yeah, of course,” he hurriedly answers. “I’ll text you when I’m outside.”
And, surprising the shit out of me, he runs his thumb over my cheek before he turns and walks away.
Raising my hand to my cheek, I walk to my desk, almost in a daze. Are the lines of friendship blurring or am I imagining things?
Ethan: I’m outside, creep. Isaiah is pretty funny.
He’s not wrong. Isaiah is a funny guy. We talk occasionally when I’m walking to and from Crystal’s house. He probably could have gone far with how charismatic he is. It makes me sad sometimes that he fell into the life he’s in, instead of taking the advice he gives me and Crystal.
I pack up my backpack and duffle bag, double-checking that I have a pair of basketball shorts inside. After I’m sure I have everything I need, I leave as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake my mother.
Locking up the house, I hop down the stairs and make my way over to Ethan’s car. Isaiah upnods me, and I wave in return.
Isaiah slaps hands with Ethan. “Good talking to you, fam. Glad to see Koby has another smart friend to hang around.” Ethan fist bumps with Isaiah before he walks away, going to do God knows what on the block.
He may not live within the law, but Isaiah has been watching out for me since I was young. Around this neighborhood, that’s important. Only a few more months and I’ll be able to look out for myself, far away from this place.
After we climb in the car, Ethan makes a U-turn and heads in the direction of his house. “Hungry?”
I shrug, because until he said something, I wasn’t.
I pray my stomach doesn’t growl and give me away.
Since I had so much Calculus homework, I didn’t make a snack after school.
If math didn’t factor so heavily in my future career, I wouldn’t work so hard on my assignments that I forget to eat.
It makes me wonder if I really want to be a physicist if skipping meals is part of the job.
Ethan pulls into a burger place, cutting the engine instead of going through the drive-thru. “What are you doing?” I ask unnecessarily.
“Uh…getting food. I don’t like to eat and drive.” He looks at me like I should know the answer to that question. “Come on, we got some time to sit down and have a burger, creep.”
I huff a breath which makes him laugh and hop out of the car. I don’t mind sitting and eating with him, but I wonder what people will think if they see us out together. He’s…well…Ethan, and I don’t want my reputation to affect his.
Tugging on the sleeve of his jacket, I draw him closer and whisper, “You’re not afraid to be seen with me? People will…” I let my voice trail off, not able to finish.
He shrugs and leans his hip against the car. “They can think what they want, Jakoby. I like hanging out with you. I don’t care what they think. Do you?”
I don’t care what they say about me . I’ve heard it all over the years and it’s whatever. No one but my mother has the power to really hurt me with their words.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I tell him, “It’s just, I don’t want to ruin your reputation.”
The laugh he lets out seems to go on forever. “Oh, creep.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me inside. “We're done with high school in eight months. I don’t care about my reputation.”
Once inside, we place our order. Ethan pays for our food with no question and I inwardly cringe. I hate how obvious it is that I’m so poor. It’s one of the many things that separates Ethan and me.
When our order number is called, we find a table near the back so no one will overhear our conversation.
After we sit—and without preamble—Ethan asks, “It was Tim, huh?”
Even though I don’t want to out Tim, I don’t want to lie to Ethan. I look at him pleadingly. “Please don’t tell anyone. It was…a misunderstanding.”
“I bet,” he says with a heavy dose of sarcasm. “I wonder how you can misunderstand fucking somebody, then making them feel like shit after.”
I glance around, making sure no one heard him, but we’re the only ones back here. “We didn’t…fuck. Not really. Just a blow job.” My face flames and I play with my fries. I didn’t mean to tell him that last bit. But whatever. It’s out now.
Ethan scoffs. “It doesn’t matter. That’s fucked up and he knows it. You didn’t deserve that.”
That we can agree on. “I know. But it’s over now.
I’m over it. It’s not a big deal. Please don’t say anything to him or act weird.
I don’t want…” I swallow roughly. “I just want to get through the year. It’ll be easier if I’m not wondering if some muscled up football player is going to kick my ass. ”
His eyes soften as he looks at me and nods. “I won’t say anything. I also won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll keep you safe.”
My mouth drops open in shock. Keep me safe? How? Why? I know we’re friends, but does that come with a bodyguard too?
Closing my mouth and shaking myself, I force out, “Yeah. Thanks.”
We finish our food in silence, then hop back in the car. I turn up the radio, hearing one of my favorite songs. I smile a little, then start singing along quietly, looking out the window, watching the world pass me by.
Other than my low singing and the radio, it’s quiet in the car. I’m still a little on edge after telling Ethan about Tim. It’s not something I planned to tell anyone besides Crystal. I only told her because she saw the look on my face when he walked past me like he didn’t know me.
It was no use lying to her, anyway. She’s been my friend for fourteen years—she can read me well.
When I told her what happened, she was angry enough to want to punch Tim in the face.
I made her promise she wouldn’t start shit with him.
Her response was much like Ethan’s. I begged her not to start drama or out him. It’s really not worth the trouble.
Ethan said he wouldn’t and I hope he keeps his word. I trust that he will, but when people get angry, they tend to say shit they don’t mean to.
I’m so distracted and up in my head, I don’t notice Ethan has turned the radio down until he says, “So you can sing, huh?”
I rub the back of my neck and nervously clear my throat. “Oh. Yeah. A bit. I don’t really anymore, unless I’m…sad.”
Singing is one of the only things that makes me happy.
I don’t dare sing loud enough for my mother to hear, but if I’m feeling down or having a bad day, singing a few of my favorite songs makes me feel better.
Dredging up the shit with Tim put me in a funk, even in Ethan’s company.
It just reinforces what my mom said about me—that I’m always on my knees and being a slut.
Ethan takes my hand and rubs his thumb over the back. “I’m sorry I asked. I really am. I didn’t mean to bring up shit that would make you sad..”
I sink down into the seat, loving how the contact feels. “It’s okay.” He looks skeptical. “For real. I’ve only told Crystal about it. It’s good to be able to tell someone else.”
Much to my heart’s excitement, Ethan doesn’t stop stroking my hand. For the rest of the ride, he keeps up the motion. I just manage to keep my smile to myself.
I could get used to this.