Chapter 10
Cameron
T he loud knocking on my door jolted me out of a dead sleep, the noise pulsing in my brain and sending a fresh wave of pain through it.
I’d spent far too many mornings like this lately and the self-deprecation was growing stronger every single day.
“If I ignore you, will you go away?”
I knew whoever knocked like that, refusing to let me ignore it, was either my best friend, Tucker, or my brothers, Maverick and Nash.
“No,” Tucker growled. “I’m done with this, get your ass up and shower. You have ten minutes before I break this fucking door down.”
Any other alpha talking to me that way would be knocked flat. Tucker was the exception. We may not be pack, but we’d had each other’s backs from the beginning.
He also never held back on me and I needed that sometimes. Someone impartial, that wasn’t my family.
Groaning, I forced myself out of bed and stumbled to the door. The light was like daggers straight to my eyeballs and I turned away quickly as they pushed in.
“What the actual fuck, dude?” Tucker asked, glancing around in pure horror. Okay… so maybe my place had gotten out of hand.
Along with my life.
“Is this an intervention?” I asked, my voice scratchy and rough from sleep and too much booze. “Can I at least shower and have coffee first.”
“Go. You have ten minutes before I’m calling Maverick and Nash,” Tucker warned. His face was cast in a scowl as he looked around.
As I stumbled into the bathroom and slammed the door, I already knew he was going to be on a rampage cleaning up. If there was anything Tucker couldn’t stand, it was a mess. It made him anxious and with the state of my apartment right now… it was awful.
After Nash and his best friends built a packhouse on his portion of the property. I couldn’t bring myself to do the same so I took over our formerly shared apartment.
Why build a packhouse without an omega? I’d fucked that up over thirteen years ago.
“Fuck,” I cursed, the old memories had been worse than ever lately. My alpha rebelling and making me feel unhinged and out of control.
Unless I drowned it in hard liquor.
The sharp ache in my knuckles had me cursing again. I didn’t even register hitting the shower tiles but the small streak of blood couldn’t be argued with.
“I swear to god I’ll kick your ass, Cameron Whitaker!” Tucker bellowed through the door. “I’m calling them.”
I guess he was all too aware of what I’d just done and was over it all. Who could blame him? His best friend was a fucking loser these days. I barely recognized myself.
By the time I got out of the shower and had wrapped my bleeding knuckles, my brothers and best friend were waiting for me. Somehow they’d speed cleaned the apartment and threw open every window possible, but their faces were somber.
“I have half a mind to call Mama and Avery,” Nash said in an unusually somber tone.
“God, do I look that fucking bad?”
Maverick let out a low growl before coming over and shoving me toward the mirror hanging in the living room. He forced me to look at myself and even I couldn’t help but wince.
Dark shadows under my eyes, unshaven face to the point of a beard that was unkempt, skin was splotchy from my awful habits, and I looked pale as fuck.
“If you think you look bad… your apartment is worse,” he said. “What the fuck is going on?”
“He’s beating himself up again,” Nash said as he sat on a bar stool and sipped his coffee. “You’d think someone who hasn’t made a single fucking effort to contact the omega he ruthlessly shoved out of his life, would have moved on. She did.”
“What?” I bit out, lunging for him but Maverick was faster, slamming his large hand into my chest and putting himself between us.
“Gossip moves fast in Rockwood Valley. Word is your omega is finally coming home with her pack.”
My stomach churned and the fight drained out of me all at once.
“Ori has a pack?” I asked, voice broken and hoarse. All three of them nodded, looking concerned and worried before I couldn’t fight the rising bile and sprinted to the bathroom.
Nothing was worse than stale whisky and stomach acid. Yet, this was my morning more often than not.
My chest ached sharply, the small bite on my collarbone pulsing angrily. It wasn’t often that I felt anything. I’d somehow created a mental barrier before I’d managed to break it off, shut my emotions off and severed the bond to the point that our breakup didn’t cause her sickness.
At least I told myself that’s what happened. I had Avery and our Mama check in now and then at first.
After that I let it go, let her go. At least I told everyone I did.
Not a fucking day went by that I didn’t hate myself, loathe the fact I’d done that. Hell, even my alpha instincts had dulled until I wasn’t sure I could even knot if I wanted to.
Then there was her family. We’d once been close but they pulled away completely. My mom was too sad to notice until it was too late and I was a wreck. Brandon and I saw each other from time to time and he refused to look at me. Her alpha dads, Adam and Steve had threatened to kill me at first, but Brandon made them back off.
Only because she’d be affected, too.
Now she was coming back and had a whole new pack. She had no need for me and the life that I’d let spin out of control.
I put on a happy face at work, flirted on lives, but outside of that I was a fucking ghost of a person.
Heavy footfalls moving slowly down the hall had me pushing off the cold tile, flushing, and washing my hands and brushing my teeth again.
Tucker waited outside the door, his brown eyes full of pain on my behalf.
I didn’t fucking deserve him, either.
“We’re going camping,” he said. “Pack your shit.”
“How long?” I asked, not bothering to argue. It was our way to air out things and return as new alphas. Maybe this was exactly what I needed.
“We leave today, when you’re ready. It’s a few hours drive but I found this spot I think will work out. It’s an alpha only campground. Staying for a few days,” he offered before walking away.
“We’re leaving. Get your shit together or I really am calling Mama and Avery on you,” Nash called out. A grunt of agreement from Maverick was all he added before they were out of the door.
The prospect of camping was enough to perk my mood up. It sometimes reminded me of some of mine and Ori’s first outings as a mated pair, but my dads had taken us out camping since we could sleep on our own and it continued up until they died.
A few years after they died, Mav started dragging us out to camp again. What was said around a campfire, dark secrets and emotions, were left in the ashes at the end of the night. It was a true catharsis I’d never grow tired of.
My hands shook as I stuffed my pack full. All I could think about now was Ori’s face. Though, the pictures I’d stalked online were strange and fake. The smile didn’t reach her eyes despite being near blinding on her ads.
She was successful and I was so fucking proud of her. But she wasn’t happy and that was my fault.
So many fucking times I’d started to call her then remembered she changed her number. The messages I sent in a pool of despair and regret were returned to sender.
Of course, she blocked me. Why wouldn’t she?
“Get your ass out here!” Tucker bellowed when I took too long. He glared when I walked out but barely spoke as we loaded up his old pickup and made our way out of Rockwood Valley.
The streets heading out of town were lined in trees and with all the rain we got lately it was like a new world.
Ori always loved the rain.
The thought was one of many I always had throughout the day. It was like my life was forever connected to hers even if she hated me.
Fuck, I was pathetic.
“This is your weekend to come to terms with everything,” Tucker said. His rumbling voice was serious and I braced myself for what was coming next. “She’s coming back to town and you’re going to fix this. I refuse to see my best friend fall into the bottle again and lose himself any more than he already has.”
“Fix this?” I scoffed, glaring at him. He faced forward, large frame and bushy beard making him look intimidating. Though my best friend was a teddy bear.
Literally, his boyfriend called him Bear… though, there may be other connotations there. I refused to think about his sex life, though. That would be like asking my brothers for details.
No fucking thank you.
“Yes, fix this, you asshole,” he bit out. “You’re mates. Fate chose you even though you failed to make something of it. Now is your chance to either try again or move the fuck on for good. Find your closure or find your future.”
“It’s not my fucking choice. Not anymore. And Ori hates me. I have no doubt about that,” I argued.
“No one could hate you more than you hate yourself,” he said, the words of wisdom making my stomach sink again. Because he was right.
The self loathing was strong.
“Do you even want her back?”
“More than anything,” I admitted. “But I’m a realist.”
“No, you’re a pessimist that has thirteen years of pain to try and make up for.”
“Impossible. Even if she forgave me, you can’t erase pain like that,” I said, voice a hoarse whisper as my eyes burned with unshed tears. If I opened the floodgates now I wasn’t sure I’d recover.
“We’ll be there soon enough,” he offered instead of arguing now. “Save the what-ifs for the fire.”
Tucker turned up the music loud enough that I couldn’t even say he left me to my thoughts. Instead, I chose to sing along, roll my window down, and embrace the fresh mountain air.
I let myself pretend for the next few hours that life was easy and uncomplicated, that I hadn’t ruined not just my life, but my omega’s.
Until Tucker walked us over to the communal campfire and sat his large frame in a chair, gesturing for me to do the same. This campground was different than most. All the camps were set up in a circle, a huge bonfire spot in the middle. It was already crackling, the warmth radiating through me as soon as I sat.
We had to park and hike out here but honestly the extra work was exactly what I needed. Tucker seemed as unaffected as always as he told me to stop bitching and grab the bags.
We set up our camp in silence, two smaller tents side by side and our camp chairs and shared grill and picnic table in front.
The asshole brought no beer, ignoring my protests, and simply handed over a cold soda. I cracked the can and took a long drink, staring into the dancing flames and listening to the sounds of nature around us.
Slowly, more alphas started to join the fire. Each one looked some form of surly or somber.
An angry looking alpha sat down on my other side, his face serious as he glared at the fire.
I had a feeling I wasn’t the only one with grievances to air.
This still felt like an intervention. When two lumberjack sized alphas in matching red and black flannel joined us, a box in their hands, I realized I was right.
“Welcome to our new campers. Glad you joined us. We call this fireside therapy. I’ll go first.”
He opened the box and stepped closer, taking a fistful of what looked like white sand.
“I lost my omega mom last year and she thought I hated her. The last words I said to her was that I’d never forgive her. Now, I’ll never forgive myself for that,” he stared, tossing a fistful into the fire, changing the orange flames to purple. We all sat silently until it faded.
He passed the box to Tucker. My friend stood and grabbed a handful of the sand and looked at me, something haunting in his eyes for a moment before he looked away.
I held my breath, not bothering to breathe as I waited for the bomb to drop. We were close, but, apparently, he had his own secrets.
“When I told my parents that I was gay, they told me that they knew I’d been broken from the day I was born. They turned my siblings against me and didn’t care that they turned a seventeen year old alpha onto the streets. I still have nightmares of those weeks on the streets.”
He tossed the sand in, the flames violet once more, before passing it to me. My hand gripped his bicep but I said nothing in regards to his trauma. I knew his family was shit, but not the extent of it.
The heavy stares landed on me now. I shook off the feeling and focused on the fire, fingers hovering above the sand.
“My dads died in an explosion. I was so fucking wrecked that I pushed my bonded omega away. I haven’t seen her in thirteen years but she haunts my mind every second of every day. I don’t know how to fix it.”
I tossed the sand and watched the flames change, feeling no better than before.
The stories continued in a depressing round robin before the box was back to the alpha who started it all. They tucked the box under their chair and the mood around the fire turned lighter.
The man next to me opened his bottle of beer and turned to me. “Omegas are nothing but trouble, brother. It’s best without them.”
“Fuck that. Mine wasn’t the issue. I was.” Indignant anger rose at his words. She was never the problem. This was all on me.
He shrugged. “Then count yourself lucky. You got a real one.”
It was like that switched something in me.
He was right. She was a good omega and I never should have pushed her away.
The question was… is it too late to beg for forgiveness?