12
Often times, when things are going well, people forget that things were not always as good as they currently have it. As a person, I’m one of those people. Actually, it’s one of the defining characteristics of what it means to be human. Foreboding hopefulness. It’s why hope is so powerful. The only other option is living in a constant state of fear and the inevitable. Would one rather be hopeful, or fall into despair over the thought that none of us get out of this life alive, so what’s the point?
People crave the feeling of hope.
Which is also what makes it all the more devastating when something bad happens during a pleasant period of hopefulness.
When Theo and I left Spice House on Monday, he was basically walking on clouds. Even though Theo knew that the visit with Arthur, and the story he’d recorded, didn’t solve all of his problems, it made him feel less alone. It made him realize that, in the end, it would all be okay. He faced Tuesday and Wednesday like a champ.
A handful of students still whispered insults, but Theo sloughed them off like a pro. Whether we were in the dining hall for a meal, picking up a coffee at Midway Roasters, or just hanging out around campus, nothing bothered him. No matter what, he couldn’t control what people thought of him. Theo had realized that he could only live his life, be the best Theo possible, and ignore the poison the world tried to slip in his water.
That new motto lasted until Thursday.
I’ve never claimed to be an observant fellow. Unless I’m interested in what is presented for my entertainment, I tend to mind my own business. What other students are doing with their free time, what the hot topic of the day is, or basically anything related to pop culture, is simply not something I waste my time on.
Theo didn’t chase me down on the way to get breakfast and coffee on Thursday morning, but I didn’t think much of it. Everyone sleeps in every now and again. It’s every American college student’s right to have at least one day to sleep in until the last minute, rush to get to classes, and swear off sleeping in ever again. Only to repeat the same scenario within a fortnight.
It’s a time-honored tradition that must be upheld at all costs.
So, when I didn’t see Theo at breakfast or Midway Roasters, it wasn’t a big deal. However, when I didn’t see him in passing on campus between classes, I grew concerned. As class in Economics of Information began, and I still hadn’t seen him saunter into class, my concern became panic. Since the class was twice a week, it was possible Theo felt he didn’t need to attend Thursday lecture, but that seemed unlikely. That was when I began to take notice of everyone else for once in the day.
Sporadically throughout the lecture, I’d catch someone turning their head to glance up at me, sitting at the top of the hall. Then they’d jerk their head around once I saw them. Some of them would lean over to whisper to a friend. That friend, in turn, would glance back at me, only to whip their head back around once they realized I was watching. No one was giggling or pointing or calling me names like they did with Theo, but something was up.
By the end of class, I was growing paranoid. I’d showered, shaved, and spruced myself up for the day, so it wasn’t my appearance or body odor. Theo wasn’t with me, so they weren’t looking and whispering for their usual reasons.
The worse was when I caught sight of Collin. He had been sitting away from me in the class for the last few weeks. When I saw him, he was turned around, looking at me in my seat further up in the lecture hall. I frowned at him, my brow furrowing. He smirked, seemed to scoff, then turned around in his seat once again.
Shrinking in my seat, I began to wonder what it was that I’d done to attract the attention of the students at Midway. I hadn’t done anything unusual in the last few days. Without Theo by my side, as he’d been for a few weeks of classes, I couldn’t pass off their looks as interest in him. I found it difficult to take notes and pay attention to the lecture, even when the whispers and looks died off and everyone kept their attention on our professor.
By the time the end of class came, I was practically a blob in my seat, doing everything I could to go unnoticed. As the lights came up, I was struck with the realization of how Theo must have been feeling for weeks—or even longer. I didn’t even know why people were looking at and whispering about me, and I was a wreck. Expecting him to be strong through all of it had been a joke.
As people rushed out of class, I lingered, keeping my head down, hoping that I would avoid any more whispers and looks. While some students had enough tact to not kick a dying horse, some people are simply jerks. The person I thought was my best friend was one of the latter.
“Where’s your new best friend?”
Collin hissed.
I looked up to find him standing inside the aisle I was seated in, his hands on his hips.
“What?”
I croaked.
Students were climbing the stairs out of the lecture hall behind him, fortunately not paying attention to us.
“He wasn’t brave enough to show his face today?”
Collin snorted. “I’m not surprised.”
“What are you even talking about?”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, Josh. Whatever.”
He started to turn.
“What the fuck is your actual problem?” I barked.
Unfortunately, I was a little louder than I intended, drawing the curious gaze of a few passing students. Collin whipped back around to glare at me.
“Don’t act like you don’t know what’s going on, Josh. We all know why Theo isn’t attached to your hip today.”
“Attached to my hip?”
I frowned. “What are you even talking about?”
Collin scoffed. “Like he has been for the last couple of weeks!”
The level of Collin’s screech was that of a Howler Monkey. Fortunately, almost everyone was out of class and our professor had stepped out of the room.
“You’ve been playing besties and treating me like shit!”
Collin continued, his hands on his hips. “He’s been playing innocent and sweet and like he’s your best buddy. And now he doesn’t even have the balls to come to class today.”
“I haven’t treated you like anything,”
I said, standing calmly. “I’ve been ignoring your immaturity until you apologize.”
Collin’s sputtered as heat rose in his cheeks.
“And for someone who wants to talk about a guy lacking balls,”
I said, walking down the aisle and pushing past him, “let’s talk about how you won’t even show your face in our room.”
“Because he’s there all the time now!”
I turned on the stairs.
“He’s not,”
I said. “And even if he was, he hasn’t done anything to you. So…go fuck yourself.”
With that, I turned and climbed the stairs towards the doors.
“He’s a snake, Josh!”
Collin screeched after me. “You’re the only one who doesn’t seem to get that!”
Confused and startled, I pushed through the doors and out of the lecture hall. I shuffled across campus to the dining hall, planning to carry on with my usual Thursday routine. However, when I got in line for food, I noticed that more people were shooting me looks and people were whispering. Looking around the hall, I locked eyes with a friend I’d been sitting with the last few weeks. When the friend looked away quickly, as though afraid I might notice him, the message was clear.
I’m not welcome here.
And I have absolutely no idea why.
Suddenly filled with fiery indignation that I was being singled out as a pariah for no apparent reason, I selected a couple of wrapped sandwiches, a couple bags of chips, and checked out quickly. When I noticed the look of relief on the faces of my friends at the table I typically sat at, I nearly shot them all the finger. However, I composed myself and hurried out of the dining hall.
Dashing across campus, I made it to the dorms in record time. Instead of getting off of the elevator on the fourth floor, I travelled all the way up to the fifth. Once I’d marched down the hall to five-twelve, cradling my food purchases in one arm, I knocked on the door with the other hand. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if I wouldn’t be ignored, but eventually, the door slowly swung open a foot.
My eyes locked with Theo’s in that space. His eyes were red, his hair was mussed, and the room behind him was dark. I didn’t give him a chance to deny me entry, instead pushing my way inside. When I smelled the room, I wondered if Theo’s eyes were red from crying—as I’d initially thought—or from the habits of his roommate.
“It smells like straight up weed and butt crack in here,”
I said, waving my hand in front of my face.
Theo sniffed. “Sorry. My roommate—”
“Yeah,”
I said, turning to him as he flipped on the light, “I know.”
Looking around the room, I was glad to see that the room was immaculately put together otherwise. So, there was no real health hazard that was causing the smell. Simply illegal activities that would threaten my academic career if I found myself tangled up in it. Even though Theo’s roommate had questionable hobbies, he was a neat freak. I was happy to see that other than the rolled back covers on the bed, Theo’s half of the room was meticulously clean as well.
“I got us some sandwiches and chips,”
I said. “But I can’t eat in here. I don’t know how you can sleep in here.”
Waving my hand in front of my face again, Theo managed to give me a tight smile.
“Are you sick?”
I asked. “I haven’t seen you all day.”
I gave the room another sniff.
“I’d be sick all the time if I was constantly inhaling this,” I added.
“I’m not sick,”
Theo said. “I just…I couldn’t do it today.”
“What’s different about today?”
I asked, and I could hear the edge in my own voice.
I sounded fed up and annoyed, which I hated. I wasn’t mad at Theo, or even annoyed with him. Having everyone treat me so strangely for the last several hours had gotten under my skin. I’d never known how easy I was to rile up. And that pissed me off.
Theo was shuffling his feet.
“Theo?”
I asked, making sure I regulated my tone. “What is it?”
“Ben,”
Theo said. “It’s Ben.”
“Did he die?”
I asked gleefully.
Immediately, I realized that the joke was in very poor taste. However, after all the trouble this mysterious Peepers celebrity had caused, I couldn’t help myself. Fortunately, Theo gave a small chuckle, so he understood the intention of my joke.
“He…he dropped a video on Peepers,”
Theo explained. Slowly. “Just kind of the same crap, but the comments are brutal. And people are popping into my comments again. I just didn’t want to deal with life today. I’m sorry.”
Hearing Theo explain why he’d taken a day off from classes had me softened up immediately. The looks and whispers over the last few hours were forgotten.
“Ah, man,”
I said. “I’m sorry. I knew something was up, but…well, I’m sorry.”
“You see it on Peepers?”
Theo asked.
Shaking my head, I said, “No. People were staring and whispering.”
Theo cringed. “Josh, I am so sorry. If I’d known—”
“How would you know?”
I laughed bitterly. “No one knows when a psycho is going to post a video. And no one can predict how everyone is going to react to a bunch of unnecessary drama. Don’t worry about it.”
He gave me a smile, but said nothing, and instead went back to shuffling his feet and looking down at them. Realizing I couldn’t stand there forever, holding our food and waiting for him to say anything else, I finally spoke up.
“Well,”
I said, “put on some pajamas that don’t smell like a trap house, and follow me upstairs. We can eat lunch in my room.”
“I don’t want to make things worse for you. I should probably—”
Turning, I said, “I’m giving you privacy to change. Take the opportunity while you have it. If you don’t, I will stare creepily at you while you change.”
Though I could tell he was trying not to do it, Theo laughed. He sighed.
“Okay,”
he said. “Give me a second. And you don’t have to act all prudish. I have on underwear.”
I didn’t make such a big deal of keeping my eyes turned away, but I relaxed and headed over to stand by the door. Waiting patiently for Theo to change his clothes—he slipped on some basketball shorts and a pocket tee—I was dying to get out of the room. If the smell hadn’t already permeated every fiber in my clothing, I would have been surprised.
Silently, Theo grabbed his keys, and we left his room, turning off the light on the way. We hopped in the elevator, which Theo seemed anxious about, but fortunately we were able to travel down one floor without anyone joining us. Once we were down at my room, after having passed more than a handful of staring and whispering students, I quickly opened the door and we rushed inside. Fortunately, Collin wasn’t in our room.
I hadn’t expected to see my roommate in the dorm since he had been avoiding the room as much as possible for weeks. After the exchange in the lecture hall, I expected he’d start doing everything he could to avoid me in our room for the rest of the school year. If he had to sleep in the room, I was certain he’d be sneaking in after I was already in bed, then sneak out again before I woke up.
That was going to be just fine with me.
“Here.”
I handed Theo the food, and he cradled it in his arms. “I have to change. I can still smell your roommate on me.”
A minute later, with both of us in fresh clothes, Theo was sitting crossed legged at the end of my bed and I was sitting at the head of the bed. We’d unwrapped our sandwiches and opened our chips and were digging in like we hadn’t eaten in years. I spent the time it took scarfing down my sandwich and chips—which we washed down with sodas from my fridge—to think about how to begin the conversation with Theo.
When the food was gone and there was nothing keeping us from it, I spoke up.
“So,”
I said, “what did Ben post?”
“It’s nothing,”
Theo said. “Just his usual—”
“I don’t know what his usual thing is,”
I said, cutting him off. “So, give me the actual skinny on what the punk did.”
Chuckling uncomfortably, Theo continued.
“Just what he always does,”
Theo said. “Well, what he did. He hasn’t posted one of his ‘go get him, fans’ videos in months.”
“He weaponizes his…fanbase or something?”
“Oh, yeah,”
Theo said. “If I go too long without trouble, and people are starting to get tired of treating me like shit, he seems to have this sixth sense that tells him. So, he posts some vague video about how awful I am, without actually mentioning me by name, and it all starts over.”
Theo ripped the tab from the top of his soda can, seemed to realize how violent the act would seem, and dropped it gently onto his sandwich wrapper. I sat back and pulled my phone from my pocket. I opened Peepers and clicked on the search function. Two seconds later, I’d found Ben Carter’s Peepers account and had his bio on the screen. I scrolled down, found the first video, and tapped on it.
The first thing I noticed was that the lighting and setting were really good for a person who was desperately trying to look casual. Ben was a handsome guy. Stylish curly blond hair. Good skin. Great smile. Obviously, a total douchebag hiding behind his cherubic looks. Then again, biases may have been at play in m assessment.
“I don’t know guys,”
his video began. “I woke up this morning feeling totally worthless. You all know how much I’ve worked on my self-worth over the last several months. And I know I’m worthy of love and respect and I’m a good person. I just don’t feel like it today. All those months of work feel lost.”
Cringing, I looked over the top of my phone at Theo. He was fiddling with his hands in his lap. I turned my attention back to the video.
“Anyway, it’s just hard to have a good day and feel good about yourself when awful people are just living their lives, pretending like they didn’t totally betray you and ruin your life. They just carry on and play with animals and hang out with their new friends and act like they aren’t actually Satan. I don’t know what to say. I really don’t. Anyway, send me good thoughts today. I’m sending you all love!”
That was it. The entire video. It was obviously about Theo, but Ben had been smart enough to not name actual names. Plausible deniability.
It was evil.
“What a fucking dick.”
I breathed out as I dropped my phone onto the bed beside me.
Theo snorted. “Yeah.”
Frowning as thoughts swirled through my head, I leaned back against the wall behind me and crossed my arms over my chest. Ben had put Theo between a rock and a hard place. If he responded to the video, he’d look defensive. If he didn’t respond, he’d look guilty of…whatever. Defending himself would be ridiculous anyway since Ben hadn’t mentioned him by name—nor had he said what exactly it was that Theo had done to upset him.
If Theo made a video, people would know that Theo was guilty of something since no name was mentioned, but he assumed it was about him. Not responding to the video meant that Theo felt guilty and didn’t want to draw more attention to the issue. People would be mad that he had apparently done something horrible and hoped to simply get away with it.
“Jesus Christ,”
I muttered, making Theo look up. “He’s diabolical.”
Another chuckle emanated from Theo.
“Yeah,”
he said. “I’ve learned that about him. Wish I’d learned it sooner.”
I thought about the situation at hand, what Ben had said in his video, and how students at Midway were reacting to it. There really was no way around the gauntlet Ben had thrown down, seemingly for his own amusement.
“If there’s one thing my slightly over two years of studies have taught me about communications, it’s this,”
I said. “One should never publicly respond when they’re feeling emotional about something. And you should never feel compelled to make a comment simply because someone is practically daring you to do it.”
Theo looked up at me.
“Then what do I do?”
Theo groaned. “Just get used to dealing with people treating me like shit for the rest of my life?”
“No,”
I said, thinking. “You shouldn’t let people treat you like shit. However, you should just keep on curating your Peepers account like you have for the last several weeks and months. Post animal videos and whatnot. Don’t be flippant and unbothered, but be your genuine self. Don’t give people a reason to think you feel guilty, but also not like you aren’t thoughtful about the events that have taken place.”
“I don’t know,”
Theo said.
“Post the video you have of Arthur’s story,”
I said finally. “You were excited to hear his story, other people will be, too. That’s real. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you, Ben, or this Peepers drama.”
“But then I’ll feel like I’m using Arthur to cover up some drama,”
Theo said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to use him as a shield.”
“That’s not what this is,”
I said. “You were planning to post it eventually anyway. So, post it now. Arthur was excited to be included on your Peepers account, so you have his blessing. Then post some other videos about your day-to-day life like you’ve been doing. Eventually, you can make a video telling everyone that you’ve thought about things that have been said and done, and you prefer to rise above it. What’s done is done, you hope everyone finds happiness, love, light, all that bullshit, and you’re concentrating on leading a good life with the same.”
Theo laughed.
“Happiness, love, light, and all that bullshit?”
He chuckled as he parroted me.
I smiled at him.
“I don’t know,”
he said, though he seemed to be thinking about it.
“Trust me,”
I said. “Arthur will be thrilled he got to be on your account—and that his video was used to shut up a smarmy little white twink.”
Bursting with laughter, Theo pulled his phone from his pocket.
“Okay,”
Theo said. “You convinced me.”