25
Routine is important for the entirety of a student’s university career. Keeping a regular schedule for doing homework, working on projects, attending classes, going to study groups, hitting the library and labs—not to mention sleeping, dining, and bathing—is important. I’ve always done my best to make sure that I keep a fairly consistent and healthy routine. Though one can never be perfect since life and school are unpredictable at times, I’m fairly consistent with my routine.
In regard to friendships, I’ve never worried about anything being routine. I’ve always spent time with my friends as time allowed, fitting in coffee dates, dinners, and hang outs as time permitted. School, dining, and sleep came before anything else. I’ve never been one to worry about whether or not I make enough time for my friends since all of my friends are adults. Adults will tell you if they need your attention. Your semester project for Economics of Information will not speak up if you leave it sitting on your desk, neglected, for six weeks.
So, when Theo and I fell into a routine, I didn’t notice it at first. After our awkward Friday together, we spent Saturday getting coffee, studying, having lunch, studying some more, then going to Pizza Insanity. After a long day, we fell into my bed in the dorm, Theo cuddling up behind me once again. Sunday was the same, except Theo spent the night in his room so that he could get ready for classes easily Monday morning.
The weekdays were similar. We’d meet up before classes to get coffee at Midway Roasters. Then we’d go to classes—sit with or near each other in the classes we had together—and then meet up in the dining hall for lunch. In the afternoons we’d study and do our homework, then end the evening by lounging on my bed and watching some stupid movie or T.V. show before Theo went down to his room. The next day would start the routine over.
Of course, the part of our routine I disliked the most was waiting in line for coffee each morning. At least a handful of people wanted to talk to Theo about Peepers, being on his channel, or simply wanted to make comments about his videos. After he posted the video of the barista over the weekend, both he and the barista were bombarded with comments and questions each day. Theo was handling it well, but I felt for the barista who struggled to do her job and listen to everyone’s questions and comments as she worked. I was fairly certain that her coworkers were not impressed with the way it interfered with their work flow.
Otherwise, things were fine, I suppose.
Unfortunately, as routines go, once one is established, something always comes up to throw a wrench in the works. The following Friday was an Administration Conference Day, so all of the professors and administrative staff were in conferences, meetings, and presentations, meaning all classes for the day were cancelled. Instead of attending American Literature together and then getting to spend a few hours in the morning at Midway Roasters while it was empty, we found that it was packed.
The good news was that since it was a long weekend, a party was planned in the field out by the big parking lot—and almost everyone on campus made it clear they planned to attend. Theo and I realized that meant we’d have an entire evening to enjoy Midway Roasters mostly to ourselves. There’d probably be a few other people with the same idea as us, but the coffee shop would be relatively empty while the festivities in the field by the parking lot were going on.
Our plan worked for an hour. When the sun set and everyone took off for the field, Theo and I slipped into Midway Roasters that evening. However, when the rain came in from out of nowhere an hour later, Midway Roasters began to fill up with sodden, upset Midway students. Laughing at our luck, Theo and I made our way out of the coffee shop, to-go cups in hand.
“We were kind of asking for it,”
Theo said as we huddled together under the awning outside of the university bookstore next door. “When something sounds too good to be true—”
“God will send a rain shower?”
I quipped, holding my cup in both hands to help keep them warm.
“How is there some snow on the ground, it’s nearly freezing, and we get…rain?”
Theo grumbled, though he was smiling. “What is it with this state?”
“If you live here long enough, you get used to it,”
I replied. “Iowa has its charms.”
Theo slipped an arm around me, holding me close and looked down at me, cocking his head to the side. After a moment, he finally spoke.
“For sure it does,” he said.
I stared at him a moment, then chuckling nervously, I gently pulled away and moved to look around. Theo cleared his throat and sipped his coffee. Trying to ignore Theo’s comment and pushing the way he had pulled me close to him so easily out of my head, I focused on other things. Thinking about Theo’s behavior was too much for my brain to process.
“I think if we’re careful,”
I said casually, “meaning we don’t slip and kill ourselves in the process, we can dash from building to building and stay mostly dry. Of course, once we get to the dining hall, it’ll be a long dash from there to the dorms, and—”
“We don’t have to go back to the dorms yet,”
Theo said, moving up beside me again. “It’s not late or anything.”
“I know,”
I said, still looking around, devising our escape plan to the dorms, “but with the rain and cold…you know.”
“They’re showing a movie in the theater auditorium,”
Theo suggested, and I felt his hand wrapping around mine.
I looked down at our hands as he twined his fingers through mine. When I looked up at him, Theo looked panicked, but as if he was trying to hold it together. He looked hopeful.
“Um,”
I said, “it’ll probably be packed now that the party is busted. If the party was still going on and we wandered over, we’d probably have had it to ourselves, but—”
“Is this okay?”
Theo interrupted me.
“Wh-what?”
I stammered.
Smiling awkwardly, Theo tugged at my hand, lifting our arms halfway up, then letting them drop between us again. Looking down at our hands once more, I realized that ignoring what had been happening between Theo and I since…I couldn’t remember when…was no longer a viable option. Because, when I thought hard enough about it, things had been unusual between us since before Thanksgiving. The fact that other people had mentioned it—namely, my mother and Collin—reinforced the fact that I was trying to avoid examining my feelings.
“I mean,”
I said slowly, “I guess?”
“You look flushed,”
Theo said, and his voice sounded gruff.
He stared into my eyes, his hand squeezing mine gently.
“It’s the cold,”
I said quietly, staring back at him.
“Doesn’t cold do the opposite?”
he grinned.
“Um…you know…I don’t know,” I said.
That was the truth. I suddenly couldn’t think of anything except how I truly felt about Theo holding my hand in a way that felt like anything but friendly.
Theo faked surprise.
“Josh has nothing to say!”
Theo gasped, his hand leaving mine to go over his mouth. “Someone alert the media! Actually, let me get my phone out! We’ll have to make a video for Peepers!”
Chuckling, I nudged him in the shoulder, and he pretended to stumble back a step, joining me in laughter. When we’d settled down, he reached out again, his hand going for mine. Not wanting to, but knowing it was best, I took a step back, avoiding his hand. Theo’s brow furrowed and he looked down at his coffee cup before bringing it to his lips.
“What are you doing?”
I asked softly.
The rain was thundering on the awning over us now. Out around campus, the snow that was left was melting away under the torrent. As much as I was thinking about Theo, I couldn’t help but hope that the temperatures overnight wouldn’t turn campus into a skating rink by morning.
“What does it look like?”
Theo asked with a shrug and a self-conscious smile. “I was trying to hold your hand.”
“Why?”
I demanded, though there was no heat to my voice.
“Because…I want to?”
“Why?”
Theo chuckled nervously. “Do I need a reason other than I want to?”
“No,”
I said, shaking my head to clear it. “I mean, what does holding my hand mean?”
Theo lifted his cup, tilted it back and slammed the remainder of his coffee. Then he tossed the empty cup into the trash can by the bookstore entrance. Finally, he turned to me, giving me his full attention.
“I like you, Josh,”
he said. “Obviously. That’s what it means. It means that after months of getting to know you, I want to get to know you even more.”
Being shocked by his response would have been ridiculous. I knew why Theo was becoming so physically comfortable with me lately. Hearing him say it out loud was my goal. Because until I heard him admit it out loud, I could avoid thinking about it. Once I heard him say it, I could start unpacking my feelings.
And concerns.
“Okay,”
I said, trying to think of where to start.
“Okay?”
Theo asked.
“Well, not okay okay,”
I said. “I don’t really know what else to say.”
Theo swallowed hard, and I could tell he was forcing himself to not look away.
“Say if you like me back,”
he said. “Or not.”
I thought about that for a moment.
“You’ll end up breaking my heart,”
I said. “That’s what I’m thinking. No. I’m not thinking it, because I don’t know for sure, but I’m worrying about it.”
Theo looked down for a moment. When he looked back up, there was an intensity behind his eyes I couldn’t quite decipher, but he stared directly into mine.
“I have no plan to break your heart,” he said.
“But?”
I chuckled nervously.
“There is no ‘but’,”
Theo said. “My plan is to like you and be with you. I want to see where that goes. If I break your heart, it won’t be intentional.”
I couldn’t help but snort.
“I’ve never intentionally broken anyone’s heart,”
Theo said firmly. “Ever. You can believe what you want about me, but that’s the truth.”
“Theo,”
I said, “I think that—”
“No one is perfect,”
Theo cut me off. “I know I’m not. But I try to be a good person. And I try to be a better person each day. I know I like you. And I think you like me. So, I think if you can find it somewhere in yourself to trust me, I could probably not break your heart for a very long time. At least not intentionally. I can promise that.”
Turning away from Theo, I stared out at the falling rain. It wasn’t getting more intense, but it wasn’t letting up, either. Sooner or later, we’d have to decide if we wanted to stay outside of the bookstore under the awning, freezing our tits off, or to make a dash for the dorms. Waiting for Mother Nature to make the decision for us wasn’t going to lead to anything good.
It occurred to me that waiting for…something…to make up my mind about Theo wasn’t going to help, either. If I ignored what was blossoming between us in our relationship, one of us was definitely going to end up hurt. Lying and telling Theo I didn’t like him back was going to lead to him being hurt for no reason—and, inadvertently, I’d be hurt in the end as well for denying my feelings. Not taking a leap of faith and seeing where things went did not seem like a viable option.
Sometimes, even when it’s a possibility, a potential broken heart is not a good enough excuse for anything.
“Theo, I—”
I began as I turned back to him.
Before I could finish my thought, my face was between Theo’s hands and his lips were on mine. Stunned at first, my eyes shot wide and I was staring into his peace-filled, angelic face. His eyes were closed as he concentrated on kissing me. After a moment, I let my eyes shut, focusing on the kiss. Theo’s lips were cold and clammy against mine. His hands were like blocks of ice on the side of my face, and then my neck as they slid down to rest there. But I suddenly felt warm everywhere else.
A shiver shot through me from the cold, and Theo pulled back, chuckling softly as his eyes slid open and he looked into my eyes nervously. We stared at each other, our faces inches apart for a moment before either of us spoke.
“I like you, Josh,”
he said again. “And I just need to know if you like me back.”
Sniffling from the cold as another shiver shot through me, I finally found the courage to answer.
“Yes,”
I said. “I like you back. Happy?”
Theo smiled and reached up to tweak my nose. Then he leaned forward to kiss the tip of it before pulling back to stare into my eyes.
“Yes,”
he said. “I’m happy.”
“But don’t hold my hand,” I said.
“What?”
he gave me a funny smile.
Laughing, I turned away again.
“It’s going to be hard to run back to the dorms in this shit if you’re holding my hand,”
I said, then shot him a glance over my shoulder. “First one back gets to choose the movie?”
Before Theo could agree, I took off, doing my best not to slip on the pathway. Theo, hollering and laughing, chased after me as the rain poured down upon us.