Chapter Five
EMERSON SLEPT FITFULLY between feedings. It seemed like every time she found a comfortable position, Brennan woke up to nurse, and the few times she’d actually fallen asleep, her dreams were filled with images of her parents. She rarely dreamed about them anymore. Before finding out she was pregnant, it had been more than a year since she’d dreamed about them. The picture of them Baz had put on the nightstand must have caused a fissure in the walls she kept around those memories, because she’d dreamed about their daily life. She’d seen flashes of her mother editing at her desk in the den, cooking in the kitchen, and showing off a book she’d edited at a bookstore, and of her father coming home after work, reading on the couch, laughing at the dinner table, and playing Scrabble with her mother, the two of them eyeing each other challengingly.
She looked at Brennan sleeping in the bassinet next to the bed. As full to the brim as she was with love for him, her heart also ached because he’d never know his grandparents. She missed them more than ever and wished her mother could be there to show her how to be a mother. She’d thought it would come naturally, but she had so many questions, and this was just the beginning of a lifetime of figuring out how to be his parent. The nurses were helpful, and she’d devoured parenting books. She’d be fine in the long run. She was always fine, but that ache of missing them was hitting as hard as it had the first year after she’d lost them.
Tears slid down her cheeks, and she whispered, “Don’t worry, Brennan. I’ve got this. I won’t let you down.” Just as she’d done that first year, she drew upon her will to make her parents proud, pushing the pain aside and telling herself she was strong and smart, and there was nothing she couldn’t do.
Thankfully, by the time Baz walked into her room half an hour later, carrying a vase full of gorgeous flowers, she’d pulled herself together.
“Breakfast delivery for the prettiest mama on the ward.” He set the vase on the nightstand and held up a to-go cup and a paper bag she hadn’t noticed him carrying. “Morning, beautiful.” He kissed her cheek like he’d known her forever.
Her stomach flip-flopped. “Hi. I usually get flowers before a guy gets in my pants, but the morning-after breakfast is a nice touch.”
“Well, you know, a guy’s got to mix things up.”
“I guess so. The flowers are beautiful. Thank you. I didn’t think you’d be here so early.” She absently touched her hair. She’d pulled herself together emotionally, but she’d done nothing about her appearance. Visiting hours had only started five minutes ago. Not that she was complaining. He was quite a sight for her weary eyes, with his wet hair pushed back from his face, a few wayward strands hanging in front of those sexy blue eyes that had given her strength while she’d been in labor. His scruffy jaw, black tee, and jeans gave him a carefree, weekend vibe. Her carefree days had ended so many years ago, she could barely remember what they’d felt like.
“I couldn’t let you eat hospital food after all you’ve been through. I brought you a vanilla shake, and since it’s too early for fries, I got you hashbrowns in a high-protein power breakfast bowl from Mojo.”
“The organic café?” she asked, floored that he remembered her comment about fries and a shake. That touched her and made her wonder what his story was. Why was he opposed to settling down when he was such a good guy?
“Yup. It’s loaded with eggs, steak, and hashbrowns with no onions, because according to Tank’s wife, Leah, they might bother your little man’s belly.” His brows slanted. “You’re not a vegetarian, are you?”
“ No. I’m a total carnivore. Give me all the meat.”
He smirked.
“ Please. I just gave birth. My man-eater is out of commission.”
They both laughed.
“This was really nice of you, Baz. I promise to pay you back.”
He shut her down with a don’t-be-ridiculous look and put the food on the tray, moving it in front of her.
“This smells delicious. Have you eaten? Do you want to share it with me?”
“I’m good, thanks. How’s the little prince? Did he keep you up all night?” He peered into the bassinet, a smile curving his lips.
“He’s doing great. He was up a lot, but I didn’t mind.”
“He’s even cuter in the light of day.”
She warmed all over, and on the heel of that nice feeling, she remembered he was there to give her a ride home, not spend the day with a new mom and her baby. “I appreciate you offering to give us a ride home, but the nurse said they won’t discharge us until tomorrow. I’m sure the hospital will lend me a car seat, and I can call a rideshare.”
His brows slanted. “You and Brennan are not getting into a car with a stranger.”
He sounded like he really cared, and she liked that a lot more than she probably should.
“Besides, I figured they wouldn’t spring you that fast. Leah and my cousin Maverick’s wife, Chloe, were both in the hospital for two days after giving birth. That’s why I brought provisions.” He shrugged a backpack off his shoulder. How had she missed that? “I’ve got snacks, playing cards, Scrabble, crossword puzzles, and a bunch of other stuff.”
She listened with awe. It was like her parents had sent this man into her life. Her mother used to gather the same things when Emerson was sick and pack them when they went on vacations. Those were great memories, but God, this man was… crazy. He had to be. They’d only just met, and he was treating her like an old friend. The strange thing was, it was so easy to be with him, it felt like they were becoming good friends. But she had to cut him loose from whatever sense of duty was driving him to be there. “You’ve done more than enough already. I’m sure you have better things to do than sit around the hospital with us.”
“That’s not the first time you’ve tried to send me away, Lockhart. If you’re not careful, you could give a guy a complex. I’m starting to understand why you don’t have an emergency contact for Ollie.”
She laughed softly. “I just haven’t met many people here yet.”
“Yeah, yeah, save your excuses. Lucky for you, I don’t have a fragile ego. Now you’ve got that friend you can list as an emergency contact, so don’t lose my number. Ollie and I had a great night, by the way, and Sid started working with him to teach him not to jump up and to heel when you walk him.”
“She doesn’t have to do that.”
“Darlin’, you’ve got a six-pound, eight-ounce little boy who can’t fend for himself. I’m sure that seems like a big baby, since you pushed him out of your body, but it’s nothing compared to a rambunctious forty-pound dog tugging you down the street or jumping on you while you’re holding Brennan. It’s best he learns some manners before he’s around your little one. Ollie’s smart. He’ll learn fast, and he and Sid are already like this.” He crossed his fingers.
She sighed. “You have an answer for everything, don’t you? Please tell her I said thank you and that I’ll pay for all of her time.”
“She won’t take your money.”
“Then I’ll donate to the rescue.”
“Now, that she’ll gladly accept, but you don’t have to. She and Gunner and their pack of dogs are happy to have him around. Gunner and Sid devoured the cookies, and I gave them a few biscuits for their dogs. I hope that’s okay. I figured Ollie wouldn’t miss a handful of them. I put the rest in your freezer.”
“That’s more than okay. Thank you.”
“Your pup said he misses you, by the way, and he can’t wait to meet his little brother, but he knows he’s got a few days of training first.”
Her heart squeezed. With the little she knew about Baz, she wouldn’t be surprised if he spoke dog . “I miss him, too. He’s usually with me twenty-four-seven.”
“I figured as much. That’s why I sent you those pictures this morning.”
“You sent me pictures?” She reached for her phone. “I turned the ringer off so I could sleep last night.” She navigated to his texts and scrolled through the pictures of Ollie sitting in the grass with a big, goofy smile on his furry face and of Sidney walking him and giving him a treat. The last picture had her heart tripping up. Baz was lying in bed, shirtless, the blanket bunched around his hips, and her dog was sprawled over his chest, sleeping. Baz had one arm around Ollie and was taking the selfie with his other hand. The view of his way-too-hot body and those killer dimples nearly did her overcharged hormones in. “You slept with him” came out just above a whisper. She looked closer at the picture and saw the name Ashley among the tattoos on his chest. Right over his heart.
“I figured you slept with him, and I didn’t want him to be lonely.”
She met his gaze, bowled over by his thoughtfulness and curious about the girl who was important enough to forever be a part of him. But she wasn’t going to ask about that. “He does sleep with me, but I usually wear a shirt.” That earned a sexy grin. She couldn’t help looking at the picture again and noticed one of the hospital’s baby blankets sticking out from beneath Ollie’s paw. “Did you steal a hospital blanket?”
“Maybe,” he said coyly. “I wanted to give Ollie something that smelled like Brennan so his scent would be familiar when they met.”
She couldn’t take her eyes off him, trying to puzzle out the man who hadn’t only thought of everything in an effort to help her and her son but had also thought of her dog, the only family she’d had before Brennan came along, and that tugged at something deep inside her.
“Ollie’s getting tons of love, Emerson. I promise. Now, how about putting that phone down and eating before it gets cold?”
She set down her phone. “Are you always this pushy?”
“You think this is pushy?” He scoffed. “That’s just me making sure you’re taking care of yourself. Babies have a way of filling hearts with love and draining bodies of energy. You’re going to need sustenance to keep up with him.”
Her brows knitted. “Do you have kids?”
“Not that I know of.”
The nurse came into the room. “Hi. It’s time for your little boy to be circumcised.”
“Okay. Should I go with him?” Emerson started to move the tray.
“I’ll go,” Baz said. “You enjoy your breakfast.”
“There’s no need for either of you to go.” The nurse eyed Baz skeptically. “We’ll take good care of him, and I’ll bring him right back.”
“I’m sure you will, darlin’, but I’m going with him.”
Emerson had no idea how he managed to sound so freaking charming and still leave no room for negotiation.
“Okay, then.” She looked curiously at Emerson. “Is that okay with you, Mom?”
“Yes, thank you.” She knew there was no arguing with Baz, but more than that, she felt better knowing he was watching out for Brennan.
She was hungrier than she’d realized, and she scarfed down breakfast. They still weren’t back when she finished eating, so she took a quick shower. She felt a lot more human after showering, but her body felt foreign without a baby in it. She’d only gained twenty-eight pounds with her pregnancy, and she’d mistakenly thought her body would magically deflate to at least close to her regular size after giving birth. Boy was she wrong. Her face was puffy, and she still looked five months pregnant. She’d been a skinny kid, but she’d always had curves as an adult, and in the winter they got a little thicker. That hadn’t ever bothered her. She was built like her mother, and she liked that about herself, but this new body would take some getting used to.
She thought about Baz as she put on the nursing top, loose cotton shorts, and fuzzy socks she’d packed and dried her hair. She wasn’t under any silly misconceptions about him being interested in her, but she’d had a baby, not become immune to the charms and attention of men. It felt good to be called beautiful, even if she didn’t feel like she was, and to have someone looking out for her and Brennan, who seemingly wanted to spend time with them. Even if it was out of a sense of duty, she was enjoying their budding friendship.
She put the hair dryer away and headed out of the bathroom. Her heart stumbled when she saw Baz sitting on the chair with Brennan, who was fast asleep tucked in one arm, reading to him from a children’s book.
Baz glanced up, looking her over appreciatively, and cracked a dimple-bearing grin, causing those flutters in her stomach again. “You sure clean up nice.”
“Thanks. I feel less like the Swamp Thing.” Her cheeks heated. “Sorry I kept you waiting. How did it go? Was he fussing?” She reached for the baby.
“He did great. Relax. I’ve got him. I figured after what he just went through, he could use a good story. The Princess and the Frog did the trick.” He held up the book. “It’s one of my nieces’ favorites.”
“Where did you find it?”
“I stopped by Tank’s to pick it up on my way here this morning. He’s got two little girls, Junie and Rosie, and a little boy named Leo. They’ve got every kids’ book known to man. I’ve got a few more in my bag.”
“But you were here at seven .” She could hardly believe how thoughtful he was, to even think about bringing baby books, much less bother his brother that early.
“Tank is up at six every day with his girls, so Leah and Leo can sleep in.”
“Your parents did something right. Do all your brothers have hearts of gold?”
He tucked her sleeping little boy into the bassinet and said, “Depends who you ask.”
“You say that a lot.”
“It’s the truth. Do you want to catch a nap while he’s sleeping?”
She was tired, but she shook her head and climbed onto the bed. “I want to know more about you. Don’t take this wrong, but why are you here?”
“What do you mean?”
“You showed up like a knight in shining armor yesterday, and you’re still sticking around. I can’t believe you haven’t run for the hills yet.”
“There aren’t many hills around here.”
She studied his amused expression. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“That’s not surprising. I am one of a kind.” He raked a hand through his hair with a playful smile and lowered his big body into the chair again.
“It’s a good thing you’re not cocky about it,” she teased. “You must have better things to do than sit around here with us.”
“I can’t think of a darn thing that would be better than getting to know you and helping out with Brennan.”
“You really could charm the pants off a nun.”
“Well, that’s good to know, but I never would.” His lips quirked. “I respect nuns too much.”
“It’s good to have boundaries.” She laughed softly, wondering if he was the kind of guy her father had warned her about before her seventh-grade dance. Boys who seem to be too good to be true usually are. She remembered asking him how she’d know if a boy was faking his kindness or not. You’ll hear a little voice in your head. Ignoring that voice is what gets people in trouble. Thanks to her father, she’d always listened to that little voice. Funnily enough, it hadn’t so much as whispered a warning since she’d met Baz. She liked him, and she may not be looking for a man, but she could use a friend, so she tried again to get to know him better.
“What would you be doing now if you weren’t here?”
He shrugged. “Going for a motorcycle ride or helping one of my brothers or cousins with something.” He crossed his ankle over his knee, leaning back in the chair, like he had all day to chat. “My weekdays are pretty tightly scheduled, so the weekends are for family and friends.”
“And I’m keeping you from spending time with them.”
“Give it up, Emerson. I’m staying.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Has anyone ever told you you’re impossible?”
“Might’ve heard that a time or two.”
“Fine. If you’re staying, then I want to know more about you. How many brothers and cousins do you have?”
“Just two brothers, Tank and Gunner, and five cousins here in Bayside. I’ve got a number of cousins elsewhere.”
“You’re lucky to have so much extended family.”
“Yeah, I am pretty lucky. How far away are your relatives?”
“I don’t have any relatives left,” she said uneasily. “My parents didn’t have siblings, and my grandparents are all gone.”
His brows knitted again. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
She shrugged. “You can’t control life, right? Are Tank and Gunner your brothers’ real names, or are those their road names?”
“They’re road names. Their real names are Benson and Dwayne, but it’s kind of cool that you speak the lingo. What else did you learn editing biker books?”
Thinking about the spicy scenes she edited, she said, “A lady never tells. What about your name? Is Baz short for Baxter, or is it your road name?”
“Neither. Baz is what my younger sister, Ashley, used to call me.”
Your sister? She realized she hadn’t asked him about having sisters. “How many sisters do you have, and what does she call you now?”
“She was my only sister, and she doesn’t call me anything anymore.” He uncrossed his leg and leaned forward, elbows on thighs, holding her gaze. “She died from an accidental overdose about a decade ago. She was only nineteen.”
“ Oh, Baz ,” she said softly. Sadness welled inside her, putting pressure on the walls that kept her own painful memories at bay. She couldn’t afford more fissures in them, especially when her hormones were so out of whack. But she felt for him, and he’d done so much for her, she wasn’t going to try to change the subject. “I’m sorry. That must have been awful.”
“It was. Talk about a heart of gold.” His gaze softened. “Ash would get upset if I killed a spider.”
“I noticed her name tattooed on your chest. You must miss her.”
“Every damn day.”
She knew how painful that was, too. “If you don’t want to talk about her, I understand. But if you do, I’d love to hear what she was like.”
“I like talking about her. I also like talking to her. Once a year I go to her favorite beach and tell her about all the good things that happened that year. I never want to forget a thing about her.”
Emerson’s throat thickened again. What a beautiful way to honor his sister. She wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to forget her parents, either. But she was afraid to bring them up, afraid he’d ask too many questions, and that awful morning would come rushing back.
“She used to call me Baz the spaz,” he said, drawing her from her thoughts.
“I can’t see you being a spaz.”
“She did it to try to get me going. She was a lot like my old man. A pistol, full of life. She treated every day like a wild and wonderful adventure waiting to be had. She had my mom’s strawberry-blond hair and her knack for seeing more than people wanted her to.”
“She sounds incredible. Do you have a special memory of her?”
“I’ve got too many to count, but one of my favorites happened dozens of times.” His eyes brightened. “When we were young, I wasn’t a big talker when something was bothering me. I went through a stage of holing up in my room when I was in a bad mood, and Ashley hated it. She’d knock on my door and beg me to do shit with her. If I didn’t come out, the next morning she’d run into my bedroom at full speed and jump on me, giggling like it was the funniest thing in the world.”
“To force you into a better mood?”
“Exactly, and it always did.” He grinned, going quiet for a beat, as if reliving one of those times. “She stopped when she got to be about ten or twelve, moodier. She’d go into her bedroom and close the door. As you can imagine, paybacks were fun. I’d barrel into her room and tackle her, and she’d crack up and smack me, furious that I’d made her laugh. I swear Ashley’s laugh was magic. I’d give anything to hear it one more time.”
“I get that.” She’d give anything to hear her parents laugh or talk or feel them hug her one more time.
“I wish you didn’t,” he said, the compassion in his eyes wrapping around her like an embrace. “How old were you when you lost your parents?”
Her skin prickled, despite knowing the question would come, but this was the easy part. “Sixteen.”
“ Jesus. That’s way too young. Do you mind if I ask what happened?”
She’d been asked that enough times to have a brief answer at the ready, though it still was never easy to relay. “It was a home invasion. I was sleeping at Gwen’s the night it happened.”
“ Em …I’m sorry.”
She swallowed hard, trying not to let her emotions take over. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry you went through that.”
“Me too.” She blew out a breath, her eyes tearing up. She fanned her face. “Sorry. I’m not a crier. All these extra hormones are annoying.”
“Emerson, it’s okay to be emotional. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but if you ever do, I’m here, and I’m a good listener. You don’t have to shoulder those memories alone.”
God , why did that make her want to cry even more? She blinked several times, taking a moment to regain control, and huffed out a breath, trying to get the attention off herself. “Thank you. Do you have a picture of Ashley?”
“Yeah, but it’s not recent.” He pulled out his wallet and withdrew a picture, gazing longingly at it with a mix of pain and love. “She was five in this, and I was about ten.”
He handed her the picture, and she took in their innocent young faces. Baz’s hair was shorter and lighter, those deep dimples in full force. He was leaning back against a brick wall, and Ashley was clinging to him like a monkey to a tree, skinny arms wound tightly around his neck, legs around his body, and her cheek pressed to his. Her messy strawberry-blond hair hung nearly to her waist, and her electric-blue eyes beamed at the camera just as Baz’s deep blue eyes were.
“You’re both adorable.”
“She was way cuter than I ever was.”
“I don’t know about that. Why do you carry this picture instead of something more recent?”
“She’s happy in a lot of pictures, but I don’t think she’s as happy in any of them as she was in that one. That was the day I taught her to ride a bicycle. We were celebrating at the Salty Hog with our cousins.”
“ Aw. I love that you taught her to ride. Isn’t the Salty Hog where you were supposed to meet Evie?”
“Yeah. My parents own it. We’ve always spent a lot of time there. We’d get together for dinner with our cousins and friends and other Dark Knights families. The adults would stay inside while we ran wild on the grounds. Tank and my cousin Blaine were the oldest, and they were forever trying to rein us in.” He laughed. “Ash and our cousin Madigan used to do all sorts of shit just to rile us up.”
“She looks mischievous and like she never wanted to let you go.”
“That’s because I was her secret keeper. From the time she was little, she’d make up secrets just to see if I’d keep them.”
“And did you?”
His expression turned serious. “Every single one. I’m as loyal as they come.”
“I bet she appreciated that.”
“I know she did, but it was just a game to her.” He worried with his hands. “I wish she’d trusted me enough to confide in me about what was going on in her life before taking those damn drugs.”
The anguish in his voice was palpable. “Nineteen can be a rough age for girls.” She remembered being that age and feeling so alone, despite being Gwen’s roommate in college. When other kids were going home for holidays or weekends, she was going to Gwen’s house, around the corner from her childhood home, to visit parents who were nothing like her own. It had taken her a long time, but with a lot of therapy, she’d dealt with those feelings. But that didn’t mean they didn’t resurface sometimes.
“Every age is rough, for girls and boys,” Baz said. “But I don’t think I realized how hard it was for girls to deal with relationships and social shit until we lost her.”
He sounded a little angry, and Emerson understood that, too. Anger and grief were often tangled together like prickly vines. “Is that what happened? A bad breakup that turned ugly?”
“NOT EXACTLY.” AS much as Baz didn’t like talking about Ashley’s death, he wanted to be honest with her. “After Ash was gone, her best friend, Bethany, told us she had hooked up with some prick at school who talked shit about her afterward, and she was embarrassed. She didn’t even want to go back to college. She’d never used drugs before, and she decided to try ecstasy to escape those feelings. Bethany talked her out of it. But later that night, after she’d gone home, Ashley changed her mind.”
He swallowed hard, dropping his gaze, channeling the residual pain of the loss away from the surface, rubbing one fist with his other hand. “Tank found her, and he tried to revive her, but he was too late. They found toxic levels of PMA in her system. The official records show her death as a suicide, but we’re pretty sure she was sold bad shit. It takes longer to feel the effects of PMA. We think that’s why she took so many pills. If that had been ecstasy, she probably would have lived.”
“That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. Bethany is Gunner’s close friend Steph’s sister. After Ashley died, Bethany was mired down with guilt. She ran away and lost herself to drugs for several years. Thankfully, she’s doing much better now.” He met her gaze. “The thing is, if Ashley had told any one of us, or our cousins or our parents, we’d have taken care of the prick and it would never have happened again. That’s what family is for, to protect each other, and she knew that. She lived it.”
“I didn’t have protective older brothers,” Emerson said softly, “but if I did and that had happened to me, I probably wouldn’t have told them, either. I wouldn’t want them to be disappointed in me for making a bad choice.”
“I get that, but everyone makes bad choices. We trust people we shouldn’t and say and do things that aren’t smart or nice sometimes. That’s how we learn to make better choices in the future. We wouldn’t have judged her for it. She was just doing what kids her age do. We would’ve put an end to it and done our best to make sure the asshole didn’t do it to anyone else, and more importantly, we would have been there for her .”
“Maybe she was judging herself or she was scared, or she thought if you took care of the guy, it would make things worse. I’m sorry she didn’t tell you, but she might have wanted to forget it and move on.”
He cleared his throat and sat up. “Yeah. I guess all of that makes sense. I’ll tell you this—losing Ash showed me the errors of my ways.”
“What do you mean?”
“It gave me perspective. Made me slow down and think about how my actions affected others, and by others , I mean girls. I’m not proud to admit this, but in some ways I was a dick when I was younger. I didn’t talk shit about girls, and I’d never do anything they didn’t want to do, but I thought nothing of hooking up and moving on.”
She looked surprised by his confession. “And do you now?”
He held her gaze. “I’m no knight in shining armor, Emerson. I hook up with my fair share of women, but they’re fewer and farther between than people think, and they always know the score. I make it clear up front that I’ve got things I want to do before I settle down, and I intend to do them. One day I hope to find what my brothers have, but right now I’ve got other plans.”
“Okay, Mr. Mysterious, you’ve piqued my interest. What kind of plans?”
“I’m keeping a promise to an old friend and taking off in late September for a four-month assignment in Indonesia with Veterinarians without Borders.”
“ Oh , wow,” she said with surprise, and if he wasn’t mistaken, a hint of disappointment. “That’s a big trip. Have you always wanted to travel?”
“I’ve always wanted to help animals where they don’t have enough resources, so I guess that means I have.”
“Is your friend going with you?”
“No. I’m flying solo. How about you? Have you traveled?”
“A little, on family vacations when I was younger. But I grew up in New York and went to college there. This is the first time I’ve left the city on my own.”
“You must have had a great nightlife and guys lining up to go out with you.”
She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Gwen liked to go out more than I did. I’d go with her sometimes, but I was never that into dating, and the bars were too crowded for me. I lived a fairly quiet life, and I liked it that way. Gwen and I shared an apartment. I always had my best friend to hang out with, and I worked for myself, so I’d take my laptop to my favorite coffee shop to work. It was right around the corner from our apartment. Life was good.”
It sounded to him like she’d created a safe, almost solitary life, which didn’t surprise him. She’d had no control over losing her parents, so she was controlling the things she could.
“And then Gwen got married and moved away,” she said.
“That must’ve been tough.”
“Very. I got lonely. I wasn’t really interested in dating, much less starting a family, but Gwen convinced me to try a dating app. I didn’t go on many dates, and I always met the guys in that coffee shop. There was a girl there who I trusted, so I told her that I was dipping my toes in the dating pool. That way if I got a weird vibe from a guy and ended the date, I had backup if I needed it. But I guess the universe had a different plan for me.” She glanced at Brennan in the bassinet and smiled.
“And Brennan’s father? Is he in the picture?”
“No. We were only together for a little while, and it wasn’t serious. We’d already ended things when I found out I was pregnant.”
“Man, that had to be hard.”
“You can say that again. To be honest, I was shocked . We were careful. We always used protection, and as I said, having a family wasn’t even on my radar. But the night I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream about my parents, and when I woke up, I knew I wanted to have the baby, and I somehow knew everything would be okay.”
“That must have been a hell of a dream.”
“It wasn’t like they came to me and told me to have the baby. It was just flashes of them hugging me and then waving, as if they were saying goodbye after a visit. But I never got to experience the visit.”
“Maybe you did, but the only part you remember is the feeling they left you with. That Brennan was meant to be here.”
“I definitely felt that. I remember waking up and feeling happy and settled for the first time since I’d lost them.”
“That’s everything, right there. What a blessing to have that peace of mind. Did you tell Brennan’s father that you were pregnant?”
“Of course. I didn’t want to be with him, and I didn’t want money or anything else from him, but it was his baby, and he had a right to be in its life if he wanted to. But he’d fallen hard for another woman, and one of the things we’d had in common was that neither of us was looking to start a family, so I wasn’t surprised when he said he’d rather make a clean break.”
“Damn. That didn’t bother you?”
“Honestly, I was kind of relieved. Those situations can get ugly, you know?”
“Yeah, but still. Brennan is his flesh and blood. I don’t know how he could walk away like that.”
“I don’t think parenting is for everyone. In fact, I think it would be better for a lot of kids if more people were honest with themselves about that before choosing to raise them.”
Brennan started fussing, and Emerson moved to get him, but Baz was quick to his feet. “I’ll get him.” He lifted her little boy out of the bassinet, and hell if he didn’t get that warm flare in his chest again. “Hey, buddy. Are you ready for some food and a clean diaper?” He lowered his ear closer to the baby, as if he were listening to a secret. “Uh-huh. I hear you, little dude. Don’t worry. I’ve got your back.” He looked at Emerson. “He wants to be sure nobody is coming back to hack off the rest of his johnson.”
She laughed. “Is that right?”
“Yes, ma’am. Boys get attached to those parts very early.” He gazed down at Brennan, remembering his cries when he’d been circumcised. It had taken everything Baz had not to force the doctor to stop. He was glad the baby had stopped crying before Emerson had seen him. He had a feeling it would have broken her heart.
He handed Brennan to her, watching her face light up as she snuggled him, and he knew in that moment, he’d never let anything happen to either of them. “Look at that beautiful little boy you created, Em.”
“He’s pretty cute, isn’t he? I could stare at him all day and be perfectly happy.”
He could, too. “Did he get that hair from his father?”
“Yeah. His family is from Spain. They all have dark hair and dark eyes.”
“Well, it looks good on Brennan. What will you tell him about his father when he’s older?”
“I have no idea.” She nuzzled Brennan’s cheek. “But I’ve got time to figure it out.”
Baz turned around, giving her privacy as she situated the baby to nurse, silently vowing to make sure her little boy had as many good role models in his life as she’d allow. And he’d damn well lead that charge.