Chapter 20
Becca”s mind refused to clear, and she was sure her face wore a mask of frozen horror.
A submissive.
But not.
What the hell did that even mean? Was he one of those guys who needed a scolding, aggressive woman to be in charge?
Oh god.
Her eyes darted here and there. Where was the door?
The sound of Jamie”s amusement—a low, husky chuckle—brought her back from the brink.
”Well, damn, Rebecca. You”re easy to read.” He grinned, and for a second, she got a glimpse of his boyish side. ”It shouldn”t, but your obvious horror does wonders for my ego.”
”I”m so confused.”The quiet admission hung in the air between them.
”I know. It”s okay. I promise we”ll get there, but first, back to the trust issue. Can you?”
”Oh.”She wet her lips and frowned. ”Um.”
Why was it so hard to answer? He”d bared his soul. Who did that? Someone who wasn”t fucking around, that”s who.
”Jamie,”she began hesitantly. ”I am so confused by you and have been from our first meeting. We have this weird volatility that would seem to make a hostile environment for a friendship, yet at timesweget along like a house on fire. I, uh, like the adorkable thing—it shows your human side and keeps me from torching your ass when you”re an insufferable jerk.”
”Adorkable jerk. We”re making progress.”
She gave him some eye shade and sighed. ”I wouldn”t be here if I didn”t trust you, Jamie.”
”We”re going to put that trust to the test,”he murmured.
”I answered. Now, rewind to the part where you mentioned being submissive and then declared yourself a Dom. I know what these words mean, but I still don”t know why you”re telling me any of this.”
Becca watched as his hand moved in slow motion. He held her wrist and pulled until she was beside him. A field of energy emanating from him drew her like a magnet. She wanted more—to know what this feeling was.
Lifting her feet onto his lap made her gasp with surprise. He sat back and, without saying a word, began to massage her left foot. Within seconds, she”d gone from uptight and stiff to moaning and melting.
Jamie”s smile was curious. ”Now that I have your attention, go ahead and ask the questions burning holes in your brain.”
”What happened to you was terrible. Knowing what you went through explains why you”ve kept to yourself. Making friends, letting people in—that has to be difficult.”
He didn”t respond except to press his thumbs into the arch of her foot. The pressure made her shiver.
”I”m still processing,”she moaned as he massaged each toe one at a time. ”But I get what you mean about understanding me because of those experiences.”
Gripping the cushion under her butt, she let out a long groan as he did amazing things to her foot.
”Words have energy,”she grunted. ”They hurt and damage. I suppose we have that in common. How you demonstrated this was unusual, but I do see it.”
With a nod, he sighed and said, ”I”m relieved.”
”It hurt my feelings—being called a cunt.I”mnot trying to be a bitch, but standing firm and not being wishy-washy is a big part of my job. It”s draining,”she admitted. ”And I”m just tired of it today.”
”Tired of it, just today? Because you have the smokescreen of hormones to hide behind?”
Tears suddenly welled in her eyes. It was so much more than just because she had her period—and somehow Jamie knew it.
His hands on her feet melted more than ordinary tension. She felt a tidal wave of emotion sweep through her.
”I”ve been fighting for so damn long. Fighting to be seen, heard, and believed, as well as fighting for fairness and inclusion. I got married because that”s what people expected. I went to war because I took an oath. I lost my kid because society judges women differently than men. I don”t think I”ve taken a breath deep enough to feel peace since I was eighteen. The fight is relentless. I”m exhausted—empty.”
”Is it safe to say you never lay down your burden? Never shut it off?”
”Yes.”A single, hot teardrop scorched a path down her cheek. ”Some asshole somewhere once said a woman”s work is never done. And it”s true. I can”t ever step back. Not as a mom, not at work, never.”
Jamie gently squeezed her left foot, placed it back in his lap, and then turned his hands loose on her other foot.
”What if there was a way to change that?”
”There isn”t,”she caustically grumbled. ”Trust me. I know.”
”Ah, Rebecca. I do so enjoy your snarl.”
She chuckled as another tear escaped. ”You mean the dulcet tone of a hormonal bitch?”
He laughed at her jest. ”A divine bitch.”
”Divine?”
”Own it,”he quipped. ”Let me ask you a question.”
”If you keep massaging my feet, you can ask all the questions you want.”
Flashing a cheeky smile that made his cinnamon eyes twinkle, he drawled, ”There”s a method to my madness.”
His insistent fingers working her foot released tension in other areas and helped her relax.
The question he came back with was one she wasn”t sure she could answer.
”What were your past relationships like? Did you get what you needed?”
Blanking when nothing came to mind, she shook her head as if to deny the question. ”Needed?”
”Yes. We”ve already learned no one ever took care of you, so I asked a more basic question. Were your needs met?”
”You mean like a roof, a bed, and a bank account?”
”Okay,”he murmured.
Shrugging, she replied, ”Yes,”in a sullen tone.”Although I didn”t know those things were conditional at the time.”
”Conditional?”
”Yes. It was conditional on me meeting Darryl”s expectations of a wife and mother. All support was withdrawn when life pushed me outside the lines he drew. I don”t want to talk about him. The man”s a downer.”
”Okay, then what about other relationships? Were they also conditional?”
”Are you joking?”She looked at him critically. ”Have you not paid attention? When was I supposed to have these relationships? Huh? While I was on deployment? Living in a homeless shelter? Fighting the court for custody of my kid? When?”
”So you”ve been celibate since your marriage?”
She heard the gentle taunt—knew he was riling her up on purpose—and answered drily.
”You asked about relationships—not hook-ups.”
Silent laughter shook his torso. She smirked at him—he shrugged.
”I”m going to rephrase the relationship question.”
She agreed with a nod. ”Go for it.”
”In a perfect world, what do you need from a relationship? Not the superficial stuff like a house with a minivan in the driveway.”
He gently manipulated her foot. In a solemn voice, he probed. ”Tell me how to feed your soul, Rebecca.”
The provocative way he phrased the question gave her goosebumps.
”Are you asking me which fairy tale hero I prefer?”
”Hah! This is why I enjoy your company. You never disappoint.”
”As you said, there”s a method to my madness.”
Their eyes met. His were intense and soft at the same time.
Biting her lip, she lowered her gaze and murmured a sad question that seemed to sum up her whole life.
”What if I don”t know?”she asked. ”What if feeding my soul is so foreign that I have no answer? I know what doesn”t do it, but that”s not the same as knowing what does.”
”Look at me.”
The command in his voice did funny things to her composure.
He held her gaze once her eyes slowly lifted and asked questions.
”Do you want your feelings to matter?”
”Yes.”
”Do you want your pleasure to matter?”
Becca blinked. ”Uh…”
”It”s okay,”he assured her. ”We”ll come back to it. Do you want a reciprocal partnership that flows in both directions?”
Oh. Easy answer. ”Yes,”she answered emphatically.
”For this next question, I want you to say nothing for a full minute before answering. Understand?”
The undercurrent of authority in his delivery made her heart race.
”What do you crave, Rebecca? Would you rather have control or, dare I say it, submission to the one alpha male worthy of being your equal?”
The one. Those words made her go weak.
Commanded to wait, she considered her response while he did things to her foot that made it difficult to think straight.
She answered with a rush of unplanned words when a full minute passed. He wanted honesty and trust, so she gave him both.
”This is an unusual conversation, so I will allow the use of craving in this instance.”She shifted, knowing he”d read her body language as shyness. ”Contrary to appearances, I don”t want to be in charge all the damn time, so my choice would be the other. That word which I have a problem admitting applies.”
”Good girl,”he drawled in a lusty voice that made her lady parts tingle and her sense of feminist outrage spark to life.
”You know I hate that. Right?”
He grinned—teeth and all. ”Oh, most definitely.”
Laughing at his cheeky behavior, she smirked. ”You”re enjoying this.”
”One hundred,”he admitted with yet another smirky grin.
”Is this where you circle back to the submissive thing?”
”Why yes, it is!”He chuckled. ”Clever girl.”
He sat forward, squeezed her feet a last time, and lowered them to the decking. Reaching for the glass of iced tea he poured for her, Jamie handed it off and then sat sideways, facing her.
”As I explained, the word cuckold and its derogatory depiction of manhood got inside my head and left me unable to get in the game. There were a lot of dark, unhappy thoughts inside me. How could I possibly give pleasure when all I could think of was my damaged manhood? I”ll cut to the chase. Embracing submission freed me from the emotional prison engulfing my life.”
She had so many questions. Luckily, he answered the most pressing one without her having to ask.
”I know what you”re thinking—what you”re imagining. But there”s so much more to a dominant and submissive arrangement than that. It”s not always sexual. I did not engage in intercourse with my Domme. Yes, there was sexual activity, but we did not fornicate in the traditional sense.”
A wedge of emotion—a mixture of excited interest and fear over what was happening—made swallowing difficult.
”I sense your panic,”he murmured. ”It shows me you want to hear more but are appalled by your curiosity.”
She met his gaze. He murmured, ”I”ve been there, remember?”
A tremendous whooshing sensation rocked Becca.
Mesmerized, she remained still when he reached his hand into her hair and fingered a long curl.
”It”s not okay that no one has ever taken care of you.You”vesuffered and yet survived. That”s your strength—your superpower—survival. But there”s more to life and more to who you are, including what you really want.”
She”d barely registered his words when he bent close and hovered just above her mouth.
”I”d like to help uncover another side of you. The side that craves submitting to your true self.”
She didn”t understand his words and frowned.
”Submission isn”t about giving up control. It”s about trust. The connection you crave can only be achieved through mutual trust. That”s at the heart of the power exchange between a Dom and a sub.”
”I”m sensing that trust is a theme,”she murmured.
”Trust is everything. I pulled back the curtain on my life so you would know I”m sincere. A Dom doesn”t ask for what he cannot give.”
”You said that before.”
”Do you understand?”
”Yes. I think I do.”
He continued toying with her hair. When his fingers stroked her jaw, she trembled.
”Submit to me, Rebecca Tate, and I”ll rock your world.”
”I”ll think about it,”she mumbled.
Her reply set him back with a shocked expression that quickly turned to hearty laughter. ”Game on! Buckle up.”