3. Matteo
3
Matteo
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." – Steven Wright
“ M atty.” Mom’s voice pulls me away from a stunning brunette with a nice rack who I’ve never met before. Tourist. Just how I like them.
“Yes, Ma?” I reluctantly turn my head away from the girl but not without sending her a little wink enjoying the pink creeping onto her cheeks.
Although, she’s not the first wink of this morning. There is an abundant supply of willing bodies at the bar and it’s not even ten AM yet.
And here I thought I wasn’t going to make it home for the spring break.
“I can’t die in peace,” my mom announces all of a sudden, and I stiffen right before furrowing my brows and hurrying her way.
“What do you mean? Why are you dying? Are you sick?”
“I can’t die in peace knowing my son is a manwhore.”
Ah, it’s that kind of morning. Got it.
And here I was just thinking that being home wasn’t bad. Apparently, my loving, amazing mother can’t get behind my lifestyle which includes sampling as much of the fine bodies offered to me as I can.
I’ve been away to college for the past four years and every time I come for a visit, it revolves around me settling down. And while she was tame about it before, this time around it’s as if someone switched my dear mother—the kind Willa Loverson—with an evil doppelganger.
It also doesn’t help that her friends feed the delusions as well and now the three of them are sitting opposite from us, all wearing grave expressions and nodding sympathetically.
Jenny Levine—the most recent addition to the crazy committee—even has tears in her eyes.
Five-star performance.
Sighing, I step away from her and go back to prepping the bar for the busy day ahead.
“Mother, you are not dying.”
“But what if I am? Would you want my soul to wander aimlessly through the afterlife? Actually, now that I think about it, it wouldn’t wander. No, I’m one hundred percent convinced it would haunt you until you put me out of my misery and found a nice girl or a boy. Really, anyone who is not just looking for a one-night ride!”
A shudder runs through my spine at the image she planted in my mind. Damn, eternity is a long time to be haunted by my mother’s ghost because that’s the timeline on when I plan to settle down.
Also, I’m pretty sure almost every girl I take to bed has a notion of “more” with me. So, really, she should stop blaming my companions. They are not the problem here. But it will be a dark day when I admit to being the problem.
The answer: my mom and her unrealistic expectations are.
“Don’t you have some kind of a meeting to get to?” I ask them all.
“You know what? I think we should reschedule it,” Mom says to her friends. “How can I leave him alone in here? Look at this!” She points to the full bar, boldly staring down every girl who walked in here as soon as the doors opened this morning. Which was fifteen minutes ago, and the line was there from about eight AM.
“It’s like Americas next top model in here only the cheap knock-off version,” Nina Colson very helpfully adds. She comes from the original line of Loverly Cave residents and that means she is as hippie as they come apart from believing in free will.
Nope. To my mom and her crazy friends, free will is apparently nonexistent when it comes to dating.
“They are all looking at him like he is their next meal!” Mom yells out a little too loud.
“And what are you going to do? Step in front of him and guard his penis?” Mrs. Fanny Lovesil—the elderly karate specialist who owns the local gym Tough Love , and in all honesty scares the crap out of me—asks Mom as her eyes dart down to my manhood.
“Do you think that will work?” she asks in all seriousness, and I just stare at her in horror.
“You are not bodyguarding my dick, mom.”
“Well, someone has to!” She flings her arms back to the full room.
“Oh, they will,” I flash her a grin at which her face screws up into a foul grimace.
“Well, you did raise a stud, Willa.” Fanny winks at me, and my mom groans some more as I send her my signature grin. She might be scary, but she does have a good taste.
“I knew I liked you, Fanny.”
“I think my impending death is a lot closer than y’all think,” Mom mutters with a sour expression. “Matty! How hard is it to just choose one and love her forever? Dad and I did it. We fell in love from the first moment we met and look at the life we built.”
Yeah, until he did die. Really died. Not the pretend way mom is and that family she’s talking about was never the same again.
“Mom, I love what you and Dad had. But it doesn’t mean it’s out there for everyone.”
“Nonsense!” she throws out. “You just need our help to find it.”
My head snaps up to the four now very excited faces. “Oh no! Oh, no no no.” I shake my head, pointing to them. “There will be no helping me! I don’t need it. Don’t want it. I like it this way.”
My mom comes up to me and with a lethal calmness pats my cheek. “Don’t worry, Matty. Mom’s got this. Fantastic Four, I’m calling an emergency meeting right now. We can do it while we cook for Joy’s friend.” And with that, the four of them hurry out the door.
That’s it. I’m never coming back home to take over the family bar. But it doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy my last day in my hometown, so I turn around and wink at that brunette again.