11. Matteo
11
Matteo
“You’re the best surprise I ever had. And sometimes the biggest shock.” – Rachel Green, Friends
P op.
“Oh my God!” I shriek like a high school girl that went to prom with me. Just for the record, I’d like to blame her for teaching me these sounds, not that this fucking matters right now because all of a sudden, Zoe is almost losing her balance, catching onto my forearms with strength she should not possess and lets out a horrible, painful howl.
“Beastie!” I’m full on freaking out now, my heart beating out of control because she’s clearly hurting very badly and there is all this water at our feet. So much water. Where the hell is it coming from?
“What’s going on? Shit, I did hurt you, didn’t I? Fuck!” I curse and then wince, bending down to her stomach without letting her small hands slip from mine, and say, “Dear, kids, please forget you heard daddy say that, okay? I promise I’ll put a quarter in the swear jar. Once you are born.” I stand back up and see Zoe regard me with what I think should be a smile, but her face is currently unable to make that happen.
“Please tell me what to do, Zoe?” I plead, and she whispers in a barely audible voice.
“Hospital. My water broke.”
Damn it, of course that’s what it was! I should have known! Look at that, I have been a father—or known that I’m going to be one—for all of five minutes and I’m already fucking up.
No wonder she didn’t reach out to find me and tell me about the pregnancy. Who would want a clueless manwhore for a father of their baby. Babies.
Fu…fuuuudge. There, that’s better.
“Car! W-we need a car. Mine is parked at LPs, stay here, I’ll be right back.” I look around for a chair where she can sit, and I can run when she tugs on my arms.
“Matteo, don’t be an idiot, a fucking watermelon is trying to come out of my vagina!” She hisses, and I wince from the visual she’s pained. Ouch! “You are not running any-fucking-where! Mine is behind the house. Go grab my keys from the house, they are right here by the door.” I nod like a bobble head and start to run when she tugs on me again. “Get my purse and my phone too.”
Zoe pushes herself off me, leaning against the railing and I dash inside, grabbing the keys and her phone right away but where is the freaking purse? Or rather which one?
I groan. There are at least ten of them hanging by the front door.
“Matteo!” Zoe screams, and I grab whatever one my hand lands on first and run out finding her hunched over, her eyes shut hard. “Breathe, my fucking ass,” she mumbles to herself. “It’s a gradual process…it will take hours with your first child, my fucking ass…walking around helps with the pain, my fucking ass. A bunch of liars! I had a plan! This is not going according to a plan,” she hisses out in pain and then yells, “Matteo, where the fuck are you?”
I jump from my stupor watching her curse whoever told her all those things, wrapping my arms around her waist, and help her down the few steps and around the house so we can get to the car.
The hospital is right smack in the middle of LC and while our town is small, this drive feels like it’s taking forever. Especially when Zoe cries out in pain every few minutes and even I know—from the movies—that it means the babies are coming soon!
Zoe texts someone as we drive but it takes her a lot longer than normally because the contractions are hitting her more and more.
See, I know stuff.
Fifteen minutes later I park like a maniac you see in those same movies right at the entrance of labor and delivery, barely putting the car on park before I’m out the door and opening hers, yelling out to anyone who can hear. “Our water broke! We are having the babies!”
“Me,” Zoe says through clenched teeth as a nurse runs out with a wheelchair. “I’m having a baby.”
I level her with an affronted look. “What kind of a dad would I be if I wasn’t involved in the birth of my children!” She gets into the chair.
“Matteo, you—” But whatever she was going to say gets cut off by another contraction and only a string of curses makes it past her lips at the same time as she grabs my hand, squeezing the life out of it and I let out a silent scream.
I’m a man. I can take this. I can be strong for her, but dear God, where is all this strength coming from?
“You’re the father?” the nurse asks me calmly, still standing here like we came in for a fucking Band-Aid and not pushing a watermelon out of our vagina. TWO watermelons!
“Of course I am!” I shout. “Do you mind moving, maybe? Can’t you see my girl is in pain?”
“First baby?” she asks with that same tone, and I narrow my eyes at her.
“Yes,” I hiss.
“Don’t worry, next time will be easier.” She pats my back and finally starts rolling Zoe in and I follow, seeing as she’s still clutching my hand that is already numb.
Next time?
I don’t know if I will survive the first one, she’s already talking about a next time! I swear if I see her in LPs, I’ll make her the worst cocktail of all cocktails. With that cheap, diluted liquor.
We don’t carry any at the moment, but I will buy some. Just for her.
“Dad, go park the car and bring in all of the stuff inside.” Right, I should do that.
“I’ll be right back, Beastie, don’t push the watermelons without me, okay?” I lean in, kissing the top of her head and feel her give me a slight nod before I turn around, running back to the car.
Wait, what stuff? I look up to ask Zoe, but she’s already in.
Quickly, I park at the nearest spot and search the car for any “stuff,” finding two packed bags in the trunk. I grab those and hurry back inside.
Damn it, I don’t have any of my stuff with me because when I woke up this morning, becoming a dad wasn’t on my agenda.
Mom. I should call Mom and ask her to bring me what I need. What the hell do I even need?
This is why normal people have nine months to prepare for the baby, not thirty minutes and a crash course in contractions.
Oh God, are the babies okay if they are born so much earlier?
Come on, pick up, I chant to the ringing phone which she finally picks up a millennial later. Fine, it was just a few beeps, but currently I exist in a different universe, okay? One where my whole world has been upturned.
“Mom,” I yell out.
“Rainbows, Matty, don’t yell at me! I was doing it for you! Mama knows best.” She starts spewing some crap my way, but I have no idea what’s she talking about, and I don’t have the time for her riddles right now.
“Mom, listen! I need you to pack me a bag and get to the hospital right away.”
“Oh my God, Matteo!” she gasps. “Did you guys have a fight?”
“Mom, I swear I don’t have time for your rubbish right now! I need to go in! Just bring me my stuff, okay?”
“Wait, Matty, what stuff? What am I supposed to bring you? And what are you doing at the hospital?”
“Becoming a dad.”
All I hear is a hiccup before I disconnect and rush inside.
Love Hive (Fantastic Four group chat):
Willoflove: SOS!
Toughtolove: Willa, I already told you, it doesn’t mean what you think it means *face slap emoji*
Willoflove: Fanny this is a real SOS!
CookieJ: What happened honey?
Ninasunshine: Tell us what do you need?
Ninasunshine: Fanny @toughtolove can’t you see she’s really freaking out!
Willoflove: I think I’m going to be a grandma?
CookieJ: Um, is that a question?
Toughtolove: How should I know, but it would be safe to assume that Matteo knocked someone up.
Ninasunshine: Rainbows, Fanny! Would you stop?
Willoflove: He just called me from the hospital, all frantic and worked up. Asking me to bring him his stuff because he’s about to become a dad!!!
CookieJ: Dear Lord! I thought you sent him to see Zoe on the pretense that he’s picking something up from her!
Willoflove: I DID!!!!
Toughtolove: Well, that plan failed…
CookieJ: Poopie crap.
Ninashine: Okayyyyy, first of all, breathe! We will figure it all out!
Willoflove: I don’t want to figure it out! I wanted Zoe to be my daughter-in-law. Not some hoochie he met along the way!
CookieJ: Um, ladies…
Willoflove: What? What else is happening? I don’t think I can take much more today. I’m already one Downer’s Luck in.
CookieJ: Stop drinking woman!
Ninasunshine: You all see that? See how she withholds something from us! And then you all say I’m overreacting.
Willoflove: You are definitely not overreacting, Nina. Jenny, I know I’m very lovable and generally don’t like violence but I’m (this) close to…letting Fanny kick you.
Toughtolove: Wow…that is some next level violence, Willa…
CookieJ: Ladies!
Willoflove: I know, my hand is still shaking after typing that out. I should go meditate and clear my chakras of this bad energy.
Ninasunshine: Are you sure it’s not that cocktail you just drank at ten AM?
CookieJ: LADIES!
Willoflove/Ninasunshine/Toughtolove: What???
CookieJ: It’s Zoe. Her water broke.
Willoflove: Say that again.
Ninasushine: Does that mean what I think it means?
Willoflove: See you all in ten!
Toughtolove: See, now we are talking. I love me some plot twist.