14. Matteo
14
Matteo
“I did not give you the gift of life. Life gave me the gift of you.” – Unknown
G od, she’s so tiny. How is it possible for her to be so small? What if something happens to her? How is she supposed to survive in this vile world all alone?
No, she’ll never be alone. Time for a career change I guess, because I ain’t gonna leave her side. Like ever.
Maybe I can set up the bar at the cottage? To-go bar? Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do.
While I was lost in my planning, Zoe took off her shirt, her gorgeous full breasts spilling free and as my mouth watered my little girl got busy latching onto her nipple.
How normal is it to be jealous of your own child?
Yeah, thought so…get a grip, Matteo! But there is no gripping what I’m feeling right now. There is no containing the explosive, confusing emotions coursing through me.
There is everything in there, but the most prominent one is longing. A sense of rightness. Of being at the right place at the right time. And an attraction to Zoe that goes way past simple, trivial lust. Sharing this experience with her…it was…it was everything I never knew I wanted. And now I’m afraid there is no going back.
But is it really fear I’m feeling?
Because it feels awfully a lot like excitement and…love?
I’m not sure how much time passes as I just lay over Zoe’s shoulder, watching our daughter munching on her breast happily as I stroke her soft skin when the nurse comes back and takes her away from Zoe’s chest. A feeling that has my heart squeezing painfully sets in. Panic. I’m panicking.
“Matteo?” Zoe’s arm lands on mine. “Are you okay?”
“Why are they taking her away?” I ask without moving my eyes from the tiny bundle.
“They need to clean and weigh her.”
At that moment she starts wailing loudly and I tense up.
“Are they hurting her?”
“No, no. This is normal.”
“But they will give her back, right?”
“Yeah.” I can hear the smile in Zoe’s voice. “They will.”
“I’ll just go stand over there.” I point to my baby and march up to the table thing they have her at. “Beastie, just look at her!” I exclaim, gazing at the tiny bundle. “Have you ever seen a prettier baby? What am I saying? Of course you haven’t. No one is as perfect as my Mellie,” I tell the nurse who smiles at me.
“Did you just name my daughter?” Zoe’s question sounds from behind me. I look over my shoulder, shooting her what is considered my signature smile and nod. “Sure did.”
Zo raises her eyebrow. “And what if I don’t like the name Mellie?”
“What’s not to like?” I ask with mock offence. “She’s our little watermelon that you so bravely pushed out of your beautiful, sweet p—”
Zoe interrupts me before I can finish. “Please for the love of all that’s holy, do not”—she shoots me a pointed look—“continue that sentence.” She’s trying to scold me, but I don’t miss the little blush she is now spotting.
“Like I was saying. She’s the perfect watermelon, hence Mellie.”
“Your logic is unmatched, Matteo,” Zoe says in dry tone.
I shoot her a crooked smile, a wink and watch that little blush deepen. “See, I knew you’d love it too.”
A nurse confirms we are going with that name and runs to get the paperwork done, handing me a swaddled Mellie to hold. For a second when she was carrying her my way, I thought how bizarre it all is.
Me, about to hold my daughter. Talk about life curves.
But then a warmth so bright spilled over my heart, I felt it bursting through me as soon as she was settled in my arms.
That feeling of rightness is back.
“You are so, so tiny Mellie. But don't worry, Daddy will be here to protect you. Always,” I whisper to her and gently kiss her cute, button nose.
I’m still rocking and gazing at her when I hear Zoe clear her throat and call my name.
“Matteo,” Zoe says a little unsure, making my eyes snap to hers. Those beautiful eyes that are filled to the brink with tears and I rush over to her.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Sunshine? Why are you crying?” I ask, whipping the tear sliding down her cheek.
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“What?” I ask, confused what’s she talking about.
“I really should have told you right away, as soon as I saw you this morning but…” She trails of cryptically.
“But?”
Zoe exhales. “You were so funny and sweet and caring that I got carried away with this. Pretending this was something it was never meant to be.” She exhales some more. “You are not the father.”
What did she just say?
“What?” I hear myself asking, but my brain is stuck somewhere else.
“Matteo, I really really appreciate all your help and support here today.” Zoe leans into me, placing her hand on mine. “I’m not sure I could do this without you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away.”
“Hold up here one second.” I swallow the thick lump, stuck in my throat while feeling my world tilt upside down for the hundredth time today. Yet this one feels the fucking worst. “You are trying to say that that sweetest little bundle I just watched being born, the one I’m holding, is not mine?”
Zoe sighs, lowering her eyes. “Yes. Unfortunately, she’s is not.”
My heart squeezes painfully, doubling over inside my chest, and I start breathing heavily. “Matteo?”
“One second,” I whisper, my voice growing coarse and drawing Mellie a little closer to my chest as if afraid that someone will come and steal her away from my arms. “I just need one fudging moment over here.”
Not Mine.
“Shouldn’t this be a dream come true? You, not being stuck to one woman who you barely know because you knocked her up?” Zoe asks without looking at me, hiding away her face.
Yeah, it should be.
But it sounds more like a nightmare at this moment.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I look down. Of course she’s not my baby! Our night was six months ago, yet I somehow convinced myself that it was enough time. Zoe did nothing wrong, come to think of it, she did try to tell me something a few times but every time she was interrupted.
Happy. I should be happy. I should hand over the baby and run the hell away from here.
I should forget all that nonsense that I’ve conjured up in my head over the past few hours. I should go celebrate that my fun and easy days are not over. I should go out, drink, and get laid.
I should not be fighting this tightness in my chest. Or look at the most perfect woman who was—after all—just a one-night stand and has a whole beautiful life without me. I shake off the ease with which I came into this role that was never mine, just because it was Zoe who was pregnant.
I lower my eyes to Mellie, memorizing every little detail about her.
Fuck, Matteo, what the hell? This is not you. You were never meant for this kind of life.
Then why does it feel like I’ve just ripped away a part of my soul when I passed a peacefully sleeping Mellie into Zoe’s arms?
I clear my throat, force a smile that has no business being forced and get up from the bed.
“Yeah. Of course. I really shouldn’t have jumped to weird conclusions like that.” I wet my lips, fighting the urge to scream or throw something at the wall or better yet, curse myself for putting me in this situation.
Snap the fuck out of it, Matteo.
I take one last look at Mellie, force another smile for Zoe without really seeing her and turn for the door. “You take care, okay? And I guess…I’ll see you around.”
I don’t look back. I don’t wait for Zoe to say anything back. She probably thinks I’m batshit crazy, thinking I’m the father of her baby. Hell, there is a real dad somewhere out there who would probably kill me for sharing this special moment with his girls.
Fuck…why does that thought hurts so bad?
As soon as the door behind me closes, I fall against the wall, sliding down until my butt hits the floor, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. “This is the best-case scenario, Matteo.”
But then my little girl sends a piercing cry that shoots straight through my chest and I’m wondering who the hell am I trying to fool…
***
“Matteo? Son?” I hear my mom’s voice and turn her way where she is standing with the same group in the waiting room.
“Oh, hey, you guys are still here?” I know I shouldn’t sound like my world has just ended but for the love of cocktails, I cannot muster a single smile. Even the forced ones I just gave Zoe.
It seems like I’m all out.
“Of course we are. How is it going in there?” They are all looking at me expectedly and I realize no one has told them that the baby—Mellie—was born. All seven pounds zero ounces and nineteen inches of her. With fuzzy blonde hair and the softest skin.
I blink back the stupid emotion trying to break free. “Oh, sorry, I thought someone told you. The baby was born,” I tell them, and hear the collective sigh of relief. “She’s healthy and beautiful.”
“Now, can I go in to see my friend?” Joy narrows her eyes at me, and I simply step aside, gesturing for her to go ahead. She looks at me for a second and then starts walking but just as she’s passing by me, some insanity takes over my limbs and I grab onto her wrist, halting her.
“Take care of them, okay?” I whisper, holding her gaze until she nods and starts walking again.
I turn to see everyone watching us curiously, but I just don’t have the mental capacity for anyone else today.
I need to go sleep and wake up back to my old, usual self.
Love Hive:
Kevini’mnotNerds: Where is that little bastard? How could he leave her all alone again?
Thoughtolove: God, I love it when you get all angry.
CookieJ: Who do you mean, Kevin?
Kevini’mnotNerds: The little shit that got my daughter pregnant and left her.
Willoflove: The father of the baby is here?
Kevini’mnotNerds: Sure is! In case you missed him, he’s the one you call your son.
Ninasunshine: Great. Now you made her cry again after I just spent an hour on meditating with her.
Toughtolove: Don’t take that tone with him.
Kevini’mnotNerds: So? Where is he?
Ninasunshine: Kevin, Matteo is not the father of Zoe’s baby.
Willoflove: He’s not the father *crying emoji, wailing emoji*
Kevini’mnotNerds: But he said…and he looked…
CookieJ: Like they were his?
Kevini’mnotNerds: Yeah.
CookieJ: They will be.