36. Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ali
“... so how was your trip, Al?”
“Ali, you with us?” Ria chuckles. I shake my head, realizing I have zoned out.
“Yeah, sorry, ugh, yeah it was good, not much to report. Lots of meetings and planning for the next season.” I give a half smile and reach for my tea.
“And Paris, was it as beautiful and romantic as they say?” Gabby swoons, lifting her matcha tea to her lips.
“Yeah, more than you can imagine.” I smile, but it’s fake. They have no idea how much truth those words hold. Paris was beyond my wildest dreams and not because of the city, the macaroons or the architecture. It was because of who was with me.
“Did you know the Eiffel tower took two years, two months and five days to build?” Gabby tells us. I let out a small chuckle. I adore her and her random fountain of knowledge she spurts out when you least expect. “And it was named after the guy who designed it.”
“I did not know that” Ria replies
Ria, Gabby and I have met for lunch to catch up, we haven't caught up properly since the wedding. I've been back from London for a week, and I’ve not replied to Harry’s text. The silence between us is so loud, I can’t think about anything but him, no matter how hard I try to distract myself.
“So, how was your date last night with Patrick?” Ria asks Gabby in between bites of her chocolate fudge cake. We are sitting outside a cute little cafe in Central Park, surrounded by blossom trees and white tables and chairs. It’s one of our favorite spots. I sip on my English Breakfast tea, every taste reminding me of our visit to Fortnum & Mason. Everything seems to remind me of him.
“It was good. We are getting a little closer. He talked less about himself this time, which is a win. He is nice. My parents love him.”
“But do you like him?” Ria asks giving her a pointed look. “You are dating him, not your parents.”
“Yeah, yeah, I think so, its early days, and hard to fit in seeing him now that I’m teaching another Pilates class in the city, so we will see. My evenings are super busy, I just don’t know if now is the right time for a relationship, you know?” Ria and I nod, and I realize I have barely said a word.
Gabby turns to face me, eyeing me curiously. “You are either suffering from the world's longest jet lag or something is wrong. That was a golden opportunity for one of your Ali one-liners and you missed the moment. You sure you are, okay?”
I let out a chuckle, putting on my best performance. “I am just really tired, I haven’t slept right since I got back and work has been busy, but don’t worry, I’ve stored the comment away for another day,” I say, tapping my temple as she playfully rolls her eyes.
“So, Ri, are you excited for your honeymoon?” I ask, forcing myself to concentrate and not let my mind wander again. I haven't felt myself all week. I haven't told anyone about the letter, and I plan to keep it that way.
“Yes, although we are going to have to make some adjustments, I won't be able to go on the vineyard tour now,” she says with a little smirk, her eyes darting between us.
Gabby’s eyes bug out of her head “Oh, my god… are you…”
Ria nods as she rubs a hand over her flat stomach that is showcased by the simple white summer dress she’s wearing. Gabby’s screeches loud enough to shatter glass as she flies over the table and embraces Ria and they both begin to cry.
A thousand emotions hit me all at once. I am so happy for her. This is what I want for her, but something loiters within me. An all too familiar little voice that enters my head, reminding me that I won’t ever have this. I won't experience what she’s experiencing. I don’t deserve it.
I pull myself together, reaching for Ria. Tears roll down my cheeks and I sniff, “I am so happy for you.”
She pulls back, wiping my tears with her thumbs, and giving me a knowing look. “Are you okay?” she whispers.
I nod, smiling, “Babe, I’m fine. This is so exciting.” Ria knows my past, but I will never let her know my true feelings, not ever. Who am I to make this moment about me?
“It happened far sooner than we anticipated, but we are so excited, it’s early but Jack has already ordered all the baby books and is looking at cribs, we are keeping it from the girls for a bit but yeah, baby Lawson is on the way.”
“You're glowing,” Gabby gushes.
“You are,” I echo. She has a sparkle in her eyes, one she lost for such a long time, and Jack brought it back. Taking another sip of my tea, my mind drifts back to Harry and I begin to ache right in the pit of my stomach.
I miss him. I want him, but I can’t have him.
My phone vibrates in my bag. I pull it out and it’s Cassidy.
Cassidy
Hey girl, can you score us VIP for The Boardroom tonight?
I think about it. The last thing I want to do is go out tonight, but I figure it’s better than crying myself to sleep. I want to sit here and open up to Gabby and Ria, tell them about Harry and I. Tell them how empty I feel without him. Reveal the letter and ask them to help pull me out of this dark hole I am spiraling in, because I know they would. Without question, they would drop everything and be there for me. But seeing them happy, watching Ria gush over her pregnancy, and Gabby finally feeling brave enough to get out into the world and not hide anymore, I can’t bring them into my darkness, not this time. I can manage this. I just need to let off some steam and then I’ll be okay. I fire a text back.
Ali
Sure thing, meet you at 10 outside.”