Chapter 41
I ’ve made it barely ten paces from the only café in Crimson Ridge, carrying a quad tray of iced drinks to take with me up the mountain as offerings for Layla, when I feel his familiar presence.
Looking up, I find Beau with his heartbreakingly gorgeous cowboy stance, one knee bent to rest against the side of my vehicle, cap flipped backward, and his attention on the phone in his hands. He hates coming into town, so I’m caught entirely unprepared to find him waiting for me on the main street.
I’m also swallowing hard. He doesn’t know the truth about why I’m here.
As I draw nearer, his attention flicks up, and this goddamn man hits me with a crooked smile to have my heart simply upping and vacating my chest. He looks me over with a glance that leaves me turned completely inside out, having to concentrate on not stumbling straight into his strong arms.
I can’t tear my eyes away from him, and yet I’m weighed down with regret all the same. An ominous drum beat thuds in time with each footstep as I’m sucked into his orbit while walking across the asphalt.
He looks lighter than I’ve seen him lately, like a burden has finally lifted from his broad shoulders. The sight of him with that spark glinting in the blue-gray of his eyes leaves me in agony that I’m about to be the destructive force to wipe away all that gorgeous ease that suits him so well.
“How did you know I was in town?” I swallow down the guilt and flash a smile.
“I know you always get your coffee on the way to go see Layla.” He shrugs and reaches to take the tray out of my hands for me.
“Stalker.” My teeth catch the inside of my cheek as I dare to look up at him, before turning my focus on digging the keys out of my back pocket.
“You’re so damn beautiful, Sage,” he murmurs, and I freeze for a second at the way his voice sounds too much like a man who is still riding the high of our emotional moment together last night. “Do you know how close I am to just saying fuck everything and kissing you right here and now? Why don’t we just go somewhere? We could say screw it all and find somewhere far away from all this. They have ranches in Canada... Australia… and you could carry on working with your clients remotely.”
My heart pounds harder with each word he says. This man is standing in the main street planning our future, and I’m about to tear everything apart. I blink furiously and let out something that resembles a laugh.
“Well, haven’t you been busy this morning? Some of us are hard at work, and here you are, daydreaming about playing cowboy while jetting around the world.”
“Sage, we’re clear of Mandy. I made sure she knows her bullshit isn’t welcome anymore. She’s gone, and the album release ain’t happening here. We can talk about what life looks like when you get back this evening. I just want to be with you without having to hide anything.” He looks down at me with so much longing and hopefulness written on his face, it splits my chest wide open.
“Well, I’m happy to hear you sorted things out with her… but that doesn’t change that you two are still tethered—whether you like it or not—for the immediate future, does it?” I’m wary of having this conversation right here, right now. I feel like the longer I talk about this with him, the more my resolve is going to be tested, when I absolutely need to make the decision for the both of us.
He must sense something in me, because he clears his throat and frowns. “Sage. I need you to trust me when I say it’s over. I’m done with her shit. I can’t even begin to tell you?—”
“But what about it, Beau?” I huff out a quiet breath. “That agreement you’re locked into for another entire year… the one that you never actually told me about?”
He looks at me with that light in him fading ever so slightly—the color of his eyes turning to a stormy ocean as his throat dips. “I’m sorry, I should have laid it all out in detail. She got to you, I’m guessing?”
I nod at him. “She knows. She got photos off your computer… of me.”
Beau looks like he’s churning up inside.
“ Fuck . I promise I’ll take care of it. Believe me, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, Sage. I tried so many times to find the right words to explain it all. And then it just felt wrong to drag you into my bullshit since it wasn’t going to change anything.”
“Well, it certainly feels kinda like being… I dunno, not exactly lied to, but like there were things being kept from me because you didn’t want me to find out.”
“Baby, no. I would never—” His brow knits together.
God. We can’t do this here. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
“I know you wouldn’t, Beau.” I sigh, opening the door to the truck.
“This doesn’t change anything between us.” He watches me closely, still holding onto the drinks.
I can’t help but laugh and give him a soft shake of my head. “Another year of hiding and pretending? How does that look? Keeping our distance while others are in sight and sneaking around endlessly in private.” I reach for the tray and lift it out of his hands, making every effort not to brush our fingertips together, because if I dare let myself touch this man right now, it’s only going to make all of this a million times harder.
“Look. The ranch is only getting busier. Last night was special, but we can’t carry on like that. What if someone catches sight of us together… one photo… one grainy bit of camera footage… then it all blows up, and you’re trapped by her for years? Another decade? She’s already got enough at her fingertips to cause you all sorts of hell by refusing to agree to whatever you’ve got currently signed. No. I’m not going to run that risk. We’re as bad as each other when it comes to trying to stay apart, and both knew the consequences the moment we ignored our one-time-only agreement.”
This time Beau damn near growls. “You and I? We’re end game, baby.” Then he shoots his arm forward to block the driver’s side so I can’t climb into the truck.
“I’m in love with you, Sage.”
My heart leaps into my throat, and I’m left rocked to my core. All I can do is look up at him with my mouth hanging open.
I can’t fucking breathe.
He didn’t just say those words.
Beau’s eyes soften as he gazes down on me, and it’s so goddamn reckless the way he’s out here in the middle of the main street giving me those eyes and professing those words, and oh my god, this is exactly what I was trying to steer clear of.
He sees the hesitation and upwelling of uncertainty in me, and hums quietly. “Don't run from this. Don’t run away from me. I know that’s a lot to hear right now, and I don’t expect you to say anything back, or even feel the same way. But you gotta know where my head and my heart and my goddamn everything belongs.” He talks to me the way he does, caressing me with that gentle, dulcet tone of voice he uses when he’s around the horses, the one that always leaves me melting on the spot for him.
The arm blocking my path disappears, and I don’t think I can hear anything but a high-pitched ringing. Beau helps me slide into the vehicle while juggling the tray of drinks, and once I’m settled in, he rests both hands on the roof, dipping his head lower to look at me with so much sincerity and steadfastness rolling off him that I can’t breathe.
“I love you, Sage.” His words are rich and filled with promises of a life together that I don’t deserve, because I’m a terrible person for what I’m about to do to him. “Please… just let’s talk about things later, ok? Promise me you won’t run?”
“Look… is this the conversation for the main street of Crimson Ridge? You’re smarter than that, Heartford.” I give him an eye roll and twist of my lips, when in reality I’m shriveling up with torment on the inside.
“I gotta go. Layla’s gonna be out for blood if I don’t deliver the caffeinated goods.” Giving him a tender smile, I tap the drinks on the seat beside me. Then, say the three words that burn as they pass across my lips before shutting the door on my lie.
“I won’t run.”
* * *
Layla’s damp lashes flutter at me as she sniffs and grips me by the shoulders. She studies me for a long second, before diving back in for another lengthy hug, crushing my lungs, while at the same time being the only thing that holds me upright.
“I fucking hate this kind of goodbye.” Her voice quivers as she inhales another round of shaky breaths against my shoulder.
“Me too.” My arms squeeze her tight as the drone of boarding calls sound over the PA system. “We gotta find a better way to do this shit next time… because I can’t find industrial strength waterproof mascara to deal with our sort of farewells.”
“Pretty sure I just left snot on your shoulder.” She pulls back, eyes puffy and red, as she grimaces and wipes at my sleeve. “Sorry.”
“The perfect memento.” I reach out and brush over her wet cheeks with a thumb. “Be good to that cowboy of yours, yeah? Make sure you treat that giant dick of his well and make me proud with your willingness to be his slutty little ranch wench.”
She starts laughing and crying fresh tears at the same time. “Stop it. I’m already missing your ridiculousness.”
“Also, word to the wise. I miiiight have stolen Colt’s phone before I left and set a daily alert in his calendar reminding him to give your titties some extra lovin’... don’t ever want to hear you say I do nothing for you.” I grin, and Layla makes a choked snort of a sound.
“He won’t have a clue how to turn something like that off.”
“Thank me later, when he’s out picking up horse feed in Crimson Ridge and gets a little note to remember you’re overdue a titty fuck. Like I say… my gifts are coveted far and wide across many realms.” I bat my eyelashes and readjust the strap on my duffel bag—inwardly feeling the stab right through my stomach as I clutch the canvas beneath my fingertips. “I’ll message you when I land, ok?”
“Watch me hunt you down if you don’t.” Layla smiles through her waterworks, and blows out a long, unsteady exhale.
“Thanks for returning the truck for me.” I drop the keys into her palm, then fold her fingers over the top.
She covers my hand with her other palm for a moment, face going soft with emotion. “He’s gonna be heartbroken, you know.”
The air hitches in my lungs, and I swallow down the lump wedged in the back of my throat.
“It’s the best thing for both of us. He’ll realize that.”
Layla’s expression reflects mine. A silent nod of agreement exchanged between us in the middle of the airport drop-off bay, confirming that we both know it’s the truth. No matter how goddamn harrowing, this is the way it has to be.
“Go take over the world. Remember me when you’re famous, bitch.” She squeezes my fingers.
I blow air kisses with a great flourish and make my way into the terminal, leaving my best friend standing there wiping away the freely flowing tears with the heel of her palm.
Once I’m inside, that becomes my signal to transform into a robot. Hardly anything registers, except to go through all the motions. The whole time, I’m numbed to my surroundings. Checking in for my flight feels like I’m in a daze, barely registering anything, or anyone.
It’s not until right at the last moment, while preparing to board my plane that I feel it. The call I knew was coming starts ringing in my bag, and without looking at the screen, I already know whose name will be there.
Cock Ring.
My throat burns as I take a grounding breath, then answer.
“Why the fuck is your cabin empty?” Beau’s voice is heavy with anguish. “This sure as hell doesn’t look like not running . In fact, it looks like you did the very thing you agreed you wouldn’t do.”
The chimes and announcements for boarding start blaring in the background, and I scrunch my eyes closed.
“I couldn’t stay. We both know that. I’ll finish the rest of the work I’m contracted for remotely. Besides, you’ve got things you need to sort out, Beau. And it’s important you do it without me there to get in the way.”
“Sage, it’s not like that. No?—”
I smile sadly to myself, feeling the heat pricking behind my eyes. “It’s ok, hot stuff. You’ve been trapped in a broken situation for so long, you don’t know what you want. You might think it is, but your heart isn’t yours to give to anyone. Not until you’ve rediscovered what it means to be you, to take the time to find yourself, to figure out what you need…”
My pulse races and I push on before he can interrupt me. “I can’t wait to see how high you fly, but my wings are spread wide, too. You told me yourself, you weren’t gonna clip mine, and that means the world. But if we stay together right now, we’re only gonna end up tangled and plummeting to the ground.
“Sage. We’re meant to be.” He pleads.
“Maybe? Or maybe you just like the idea of me.” My voice is soft and I wish I could have kissed him one last time. I wish I could have said a proper goodbye, but then I would have been too easily swayed by him. “I’m different to her, so of course, I seem like the next best thing. You don’t know for certain, and this is never going to work while you’ve still got one foot in your past. You owe it to yourself to know who you are without that shadow hanging over your head of your father’s fuck ups. To know what life feels like without Mandy’s toxicity.”
“Please stay with me. Please .” His voice cracks, and I feel the surge of emotion rising higher inside me now.
“I was going to be leaving anyway for this next job. And as if that wasn’t already enough of a reason to go right now, I can’t risk my family getting dragged into my messy decision-making. I certainly can’t risk my career. This is my life, my thing to be smart about, so I need to do this.” I speak rapidly, knowing the only solution is to harden my heart to him if I’m going to make it through this, starting right this second.
“I know, I know you were going to take the job, but I thought we had more time before… that you weren’t going to just up and leave.” He croaks.
Even though it’s the worst feeling doing this, I have to think of my sisters. I have to be sensible, over and above the allure of hiding out and stealing more days hidden away with Beau.
“We both know if we’re around each other, it’s impossible. We’ve already proven we can’t resist being together. How many times have we broken our own goddamn rules? Look at how hard it’s been spending only a few days apart… what kind of recklessness are we inviting in when it’s a whole year? Not to mention that sneaking around is hardly the healthy foundation of anything. How do we know we’re not just addicted to the thrill of someone catching us?”
His silent pain is a damn near visceral thing, burning and burrowing into my ear where I clutch my phone.
“I finally figured out what to name the ranch.” When he eventually responds, Beau’s voice drops to a low murmur.
It’s too much. I can’t fucking take it, that tone in his voice—the hurt I can goddamn taste like the salty tears running hot rivers down my cheek—as his words come through. It’s enough to break me.
“I wish for a lot of things in life, Beau. Right now? I really wish we hadn’t met in this timing. Another occasion? Another place? Maybe. You deserve to love freely for the first time, and to do it from a place that isn’t hidden in the shadows. I really wish our stars were different. But perhaps that’s how it has to be in the end. We’re not promised the grand gesture, or the happily ever after in this life. Sometimes, we only get the stolen moments and the memories we carry with us, and that’s gotta be enough.”
He makes a guttural noise of protest, and I can picture him with head bowed, fingers threading through his dark hair.
“Why? Why did you leave without telling me?”
“I’m sorry. It was gutless of me, Beau. I know that. I’m not the good person you think I am. You knew I was taking this job next… the rest of what I need to do for the ranch I can email Tessa about. And beyond all of those reasons…” I swallow hard. “My sisters are young, and they’re still in school. I’ve got my family to think of, just as much as you’ve worked so hard to protect your family, too. I respect how many times your decisions have been made with the only thought being to put others first. You told me yourself that staying in that marriage has been years and years of your life you’ve sacrificed to protect your mom, your sister… last night, we were way too impulsive… we played with fire and it was a rash decision.”
“Sage—”
“Listen to me… I care about you, and that’s why I can’t bear the thought of you having spent all of that time punishing yourself for a mistake, living what amounts to barely a half-life for a decade, and then throwing it away just because I came along?”
My eyes sting as I bite back the emotion threatening to take over. “Thank you for a summer I’ll never forget. It was hella fun, hot stuff.”
“No.” Beau’s grunt is desperate. “This isn’t just fun for me, Sage. I’m?—”
“No. No, you’re not, Beau Heartford.”
He curses under his breath.
“It’s ok.” Smiling through the tears, I imagine myself stroking a hand along his stubbled jaw, and I picture being able to go up onto my tiptoes to press my lips to his as I say the kind of proper farewell we should have had.
“Baby, when you’re ready... only you will know when that is… if those stars ever align, come and find me in that sunset sky.”