9. Ash
CHAPTER 9
ASH
Going to yoga classes had become a habit of sorts at this point. Since we had just started our off-season, there weren’t any mandatory practices, though most of us still worked out on our own time to keep in shape. We had to keep ourselves at peak performance, especially when there were always younger and more energetic players joining the league each year. Going pro was hard, but staying , I’d argue, was an even harder task, not to mention staying as the team’s starting player.
I’d signed with the Troopers right out of graduation. Sure, it was a newer team, and when I’d first joined, the team hadn’t even had its first season yet, but some argued that joining a team like that as a rookie was easier than some of the more established ones. I didn’t know about easy, since I worked myself to the bone to get where I was, but I had made the starting lineup.
Plus, and arguably most importantly in my opinion, the Troopers’ home base was Austin, which kept me close to my family. Staying close to my mom and younger sister was everything that I could ask for.
Dad’s passing took a toll on all of us, but it had hit Mom especially hard. He was the love of her life, after all. She tried to keep up a brave front when we were around, but in the moments when she thought nobody was looking, it seemed like she was locked in the past, unable to move on. That was why I tried to visit her as often as I could.
Mom and Jamie still lived in our childhood home. Jamie had already joined the workforce, doing something with makeup and weddings.
She had decided to continue living at home, claiming it was to save money to buy her own place, but I secretly thought she wanted to stay close to Mom, since I’d offered to buy her a house when she’d graduated from college.
Our childhood house was a small, three-bedroom house that felt big in my memories but now seemed crowded with three adults. I’d offered to buy Mom a bigger, more modern place, but she’d refused, probably due to all the memories the house contained.
Mom was tending the front garden when I pulled into the one car driveway. Jamie’s car wasn’t there. She was most likely at work. Mom stood and pulled off her wide sun hat when I got out of the car. The first thing she did whenever I visited was pull me down to her height for a hug. This time wasn’t any different.
“Hi, Ma,” I said with a chuckle as I held her close. Mom was almost a foot shorter than me, and the ache in my lower back started to sting the longer the hug went on, but I made no move to leave her arms. Mom might be slight and half my size, but she gave the best hugs, wrapping her arms around me like she could shield me from everything. It had to be a mom thing, because nobody else gave hugs like she did.
When Mom finally pulled away, she led me inside the house and to the kitchen-dining room. That was always the hangout spot, partially due to it being the biggest room in the house, but also because Mom always had something cooking, and I always knew to come hungry.
“I haven’t seen you in a few days, honey. Is everything okay?” she asked as she placed a plate of oatmeal cookies on the table in front of me. I’d visited her for at least a few minutes every day since the season ended, but hadn’t gone the past two days.
“Everything’s fine. Was just taking time to clean the house,” I replied, hoping to sound casual. It wasn’t a lie, since I had done a lot of cleaning these past few days.
I hadn’t gone over the day after I spent the night at Jay’s because it felt wrong to return to my childhood home smelling like sex. I mean, I would have gone home and showered first, but I would still know what I’d been up to the night before. I hadn’t visited yesterday either because…I didn’t know how to be around family after I’d slept with Jay.
Mom and Jay’s family knew each other from the years Howie and I shuffled between houses, so it felt weird knowing that I’d slept with someone Mom knew. Maybe Jay had a point when he said it would complicate things. But that didn’t mean I wanted to give up on him. I witnessed firsthand the chemistry between us, and I think it would be a disservice to the both of us to let it die without giving it a try.
Maybe Jay and I were fundamentally different people and it would never work out between us, and if that was the case, we would just let things fizzle out. But I had a feeling that something real could be developed here. As long as he let go of the noise of everything else.
“You could have called me if you needed the house cleaned. You know I would have come helped,” she said, putting a hand on her hip.
“Geez, I don’t need my mother coming over to help me clean. I’m not in college anymore,” I grumbled. If I really needed my house made up, I could hire a housecleaner to do it, but the action helped me keep my mind off a certain someone.
Mom placed a glass of milk in front of me before sitting in the chair beside mine. She plopped her elbows on the table and rested her head on her hands, watching me drink the milk. “So I heard you started yoga at Jay’s studio.”
The liquid stopped, bubbling in my throat and went down the wrong tube as I coughed and sputtered out a “W-what?”
“Gosh, honey. Be careful,” she said, handing me some napkins to wipe my mouth. “What’s got you so worked up? ”
I ignored her question and asked one of my own. “How do you know Jay has a studio, and that I started up yoga?”
She shot me a look of scorn, as if saying that was a stupid question. “Karla and I are friends, you know. Howie told her when he visited home, and Karla came over for a little tea time the other day. Why are you acting so weird about that?”
Howie and his big mouth. He probably told his family to poke fun at the big, clumsy football player doing yoga. Well, the joke’s on him. I’d been killing it in class and hadn’t fallen flat on my face once. Now on my butt? That was a different story altogether. Some of my classmates that I’d had class with frequently had even complimented my form for being a newbie.
I’d gotten to know some of the people I took the evening class with, since quite a few of them were regulars, like I’d become. The people I’d talked to either had no idea who I was, or they didn’t make a big deal out of it and treated me like a normal person. Which I was very glad for. I’d seen the chaos some fans could cause, and I didn’t want that to happen at Jay’s studio.
“I’m not acting weird,” I grumbled and grabbed another cookie. “You just caught me off guard, is all.”
Mom hummed, but brown eyes bore into me, clearly not believing a word I’d said. “So, is this some sort of new training program your team has cooked up for you? ”
“Hmm?” I asked, partly distracted by the cookie. Mom was the best baker I knew.
“The yoga, honey. Is this something all your team members are getting into now?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah,” I said casually, hoping to get her off my back. I’d spent the last few days deep-cleaning my apartment so that I could stop thinking about Jay and the studio, so this was the last topic I wanted to have a conversation about with my mother right now. But she was persistent and continued to watch me, before finally launching her attack.
“Are you sure it isn’t because of Jay?”
I almost choked on the cookie, but managed to swallow it down the correct hole this time. “Geez, Ma. You’ve never been this curious about my other workouts before.”
She gave me one of those Mom looks that told me I needed to quit bullshitting and tell her what she’d wanted to know. “Is that why you haven’t dated all these years? You’ve been hung up on your crush on Jay?”
I banged my head on the table.
Kill me now.
I knew my crush from back then wasn’t exactly a secret, but I hadn’t expected even my mom to pick up on it and bring it up now.
“Do we really have to talk about this?” I groaned and rubbed a hand over my face. Maybe this was all a dream, and I’d wake up if I closed my eyes long enough. I peeked one eye open and saw Mom’s determined gaze focused on me, and knew this was a reality I couldn’t escape from.
“I’m just worried, honey…”
“There’s nothing to worry about, Ma. And that was just a silly little crush from years ago. The only reason I haven’t dated is because I’m busy living the big football dream,” I said jokingly, hoping to ease the suddenly serious mood.
It was true I’d been busy with the team. That and the fact that dating became a lot harder after becoming a well-known face. I’d gone on dates with women over the years, and sometimes I had to wonder if they were with me for me or the supposed status they thought being with me brought them. I’d found the dates to be exhausting and had rather used that energy to train and improve my game instead.
As for dating men…I never hid or broadcasted the fact that I swung both ways, and some of my teammates probably already knew considering I wasn’t shy about throwing flirtatious innuendos to the bigots who’d made fun of my name on and off the fields, but I’d never dated while in the league. I wasn’t worried that the Troopers wouldn’t be accepting of my identity—they were supportive when Addison and Garrett had come out—but it was more the fact that I hadn’t found a man worth going through the whole ordeal of “coming out” to the entire league for.
Jay’s face appeared in my mind, and how he’d been so worried that a one-night stand with him would be leaked and push me out of the closet and affect my career.
I’d rocket myself out of the closet if it was for Jay .
That was a moot point, though, considering Jay didn’t seem all that interested in continuing things with me. He’d told me the other night that he and Sam were best friends and nothing more, but their hug yesterday that had lasted entirely too many minutes long—I’d counted every second of it—told me otherwise.
It didn’t help that he seemed completely unfazed when he’d used his hands to position my body during class. Meanwhile, every place he’d touched me burned with need. I was hot and bothered through the entire class, while Jay looked perfectly composed while instructing us.
I snatched another cookie and took a hard bite out of it to quell the unease inside of me.
“I just want you to be happy,” Mom said with a sigh, and that brought me back to the present. And her next words blew all other thoughts out of my mind. “Ash…this whole going pro thing, are you sure it’s your dream?”
I froze, cookie in midair between the plate and my open mouth. “What are you talking about, Ma? Of course it is. I’ve been working toward this all my life,” I finally choked out.
Mom looked at me with a sad expression. “At first, I thought I was just imagining it. You looked like you enjoyed being on the field. But as the years went by, and especially these past couple of years, watching you live ‘ your dream, ’ I realized it wasn’t just in my head.” She emphasized those two words, like football wasn’t everything I’d wanted. It was what I lived and breathed.
I stared at her blankly. “Ma, you’re speaking in riddles here. What are you going on about?”
She took the cookie from where I’d still held it in midair, placed it on the plate, then took my hand in hers. “Are you really happy, Ashy? Out on that field? Out on that big screen?”
I laughed, but it sounded awkward and forced even to my ears. I opened my mouth, ready to tell her that, of course, I was happy. Getting into the NFL was my dream; it’d always been my dream…
But then came memories of running around with a neon green football, throwing it back and forth to my dad. He had looked so proud, his face lighting up brighter than the hot Texan sun every time I caught the ball, saying I’d make him the proud father of an NFL player one day.
That was the goal, the dream… his dream. But he wasn’t here, and I was the only one left to carry it.
I’d gotten into the NFL, but I’d been failing ever since. I’d pushed myself as hard as I could, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t make my dad proud.
I’d failed at our dream.
The doubts that I’d had over the years, that had only increased with each lost game and our inability to make the playoffs resurfaced at Mom’s words. Anger welled up, not at my mom, but at the situation.
The frustration and stress of it all. The hope that the next game would be the one to do it, to finally accomplish the chance that had cruelly been stolen away from me—the chance to see my dad beaming while watching me on the big screen.
It all came crashing down. My hopes and dreams crumbling. I finally allowed them to. They were never mine to begin with.
But what did that leave me?
Did I continue stubbornly chasing this path, that I could slowly feel myself losing the love for from the stress of the game? I loved the sport, there was no doubt about that, but everything else that came with the major leagues?
Not so much. So did I keep chugging along, hoping for grander heights until I lost love for the sport all together, or did I finish out my contract and stop before I’d tainted my cherished memories of the game with my dad?
But if you take away the ball, what was left of me?
Mom must have seen something on my face, because she looked very worried now. She squeezed my hand, her voice cautious as she said, “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to make you upset. Maybe I’m just overthinking.”
I slowly shook my head. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?” I said, shocking her when I suddenly stood. I didn’t look back even as she shouted my name to my back and didn’t stop until I was inside my car.
She hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true. It wasn’t her fault that I’d messed it all up.