31. Catriona
Thirty One
Catriona
The trees framing the Clontarf Golf Course at sunset showcase its spring beauty with infinite shades of green, but I don’t see it. My gaze is unfocused and my body numb. When I came home earlier, I collapsed on the floor, feeling completely lost and devastated.
And stupid.
Most of all, I feel stupid. I want to cry, but no tears come. The knot in my stomach hurts so badly.
What I had with Rian was sex. An office fling – a dirty secret.
I’ve never fooled myself into believing it was more.
I’ll never be good enough. Rich, beautiful, perfect Alexandra – with a nasal A – she’s the one.
Still, it hurt to be dismissed in front of Arthur Kearney, and Rian’s coldness afterwards was hard to take.
I knew then that what we had was over. Rian got where he wanted – into my pants.
I’ve been his only challenge in the office, and for him the chase is officially over.
It made me so angry, yet I kept telling myself that he’s done me a favour by ending it quickly.
It wasn’t until I stood in front of him in his office, waiting for his comments on my work, that the truth came to me. The truth that I’ve refused to see.
I wanted him to look at me with warmth in his eyes, wanted his smile, his cheek, his mischief – anything but the coldness and rejection.
I’ve fallen for him.
My whole life I’ve worked so hard not to make the same mistake as my mother, and yet there I was, standing in front of my boss, wanting his love.
Loving him.
Stupid, stupid!
The glass pane cools my forehead. I don’t know what hurts more, my disappointment in myself or my broken heart. I’m such a fecking eejit! Stupidly telling myself I’m not emotionally involved. Too eager to justify sleeping with my boss to notice how my heart beats faster with him around.
Rian will never feel the same for me. He’s never kissed me – another piece of the puzzle that I’ve ignored. He wanted to keep his distance. Kissing is too emotional.
Where will I go from here? Can I continue working for Rian? Talk to him every day? See him flirt with my colleagues? Watch him with Alexandra?
I startle at a knock on the door.
Company is the last thing on my mind. I’m not expecting anyone either, so whichever neighbour is in need of sugar will have to go elsewhere. I lift my hand up to the window and press it flat against the pane next to my face, willing the coldness to seep into my skin and chill my aching heart.
There is another hard knock and still I ignore it. At the third knock, I sigh and slowly walk into the hallway. I make sure the security chain is on and crack the door open.
I freeze.
Rian!
His brows are drawn together above eyes that scan my face through the narrow gap of the door. What the hell is he doing on this side of town, outside my door? And in a tuxedo? Is this some kind of prank?
“What are you doing here?”
He motions to the security chain. “Can I come in?”
I swallow. I don’t want to see him right now. The last thing I want is to let him into my apartment, my sanctuary, my piece of heaven. Still, I nod and close the door. Leaning my head against it, I take a deep breath. What is he doing here?
I momentarily panic as I glance down my body – I changed into a big, worn t-shirt and pyjama bottoms after I peeled myself off the floor earlier. What does it matter what I look like? I scold myself as I fumble with the security chain and open the door.
“What are you doing here?” I repeat as he steps into my tiny apartment hallway. I back into the living room, not wanting to be too close to him. He follows me, and even the living room seems claustrophobic with him in it. I wrap my arms around my middle.
“Gemma told me you went home sick. I came to check you’re okay.”
“Do you always make home visits to your employees?”
“No.” There’s a pause. “Are you okay?”
“I’m grand,” I snap and gesture to his tuxedo. “Now, you obviously have somewhere to be. I’ll be back in the office tomorrow, my usual grumpy, hardworking self, you don’t have to worry.”
“Catriona. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong!” I bark and turn away from him. I sense his heat at my back. Too close.
“Catriona, please! Talk to me,” he begs. “I hate seeing you like this. I want you fighting and sassy and…and not like this.”
“Please, Rian, just leave,” I whisper and bite down on my trembling lips.
“I won’t,” he says as warm fingers wrap around my shoulders. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
He gently turns me around, but I keep my gaze trained to the floor. I don’t dare to look at him, afraid I’ll start crying. I don’t want him to know how I feel, to show him that he’s won, yet I slowly lift my eyes to his, my gaze all watery.
“I’ve failed.”
“Failed what?”
“I’ve become my mother.”
“What do you mean?” Rian says patiently, although he looks like he wants to shake me.
I take a deep breath. “I thought I was strong, that what we did…was just for fun. But I wasn’t strong enough.”
The dam finally breaks and tears burn paths down my cheeks. I lower my head again, too scared to see his reaction when I crack my chest wide open and whisper, “I’ve fallen for you.”
His sharp intake of air is the only sound in the room. I swallow my sob.
“I’ll ask for a transfer,” I continue. “I can move to another branch, so I don’t have to run into you every day.”
“No.” His grip on my shoulders tightens.
“I—”
“No!” he barks. “You will do no such thing. I need you! I can’t do it without you.”
“Rian, you don’t need me. With a little effort on your part, you can train any of the assistants to do my job.”
I try to twist out of his hold, but he doesn’t let me.
“That’s not what I mean.” He swallows and his features soften. “I-I need you. I need to know that you’ll be there when I come in every morning. To see you at your desk. To know that you’ll give me a hard time, yell at me, challenge me.”
“Rian, please don’t. It’ll break me, seeing you…” My words stop on a hitch.
He opens his mouth, but no words come. His eyes flick between mine. “I-I feel for you too.”
“Rian?”
“I don’t know what – I mean, Jesus…” He huffs. “All I know is that I’ve never been this obsessed with anyone. Ever. I think about you all the time. And…and the thought of not seeing you every day hurts.”
He releases his grip on my shoulders and cups my face. His thumbs brush my tears away. Leaning his forehead against mine, he whispers, “I’m not ready to let you go. Please can we…can we see where this takes us? Give it a shot? I can’t promise that we will…work out, but just don’t leave, Cat.”
My heart races, my mind and body a cocktail of confusion - a mix of doubt and hope, despair and ecstasy. His thumbs gently stroke my cheeks as we breathe in the same air. So much unknown. Can I really do this?
Rian lowers his head. I still, don’t move a muscle, as I watch him come closer. My lips part and tingle in anticipation. I silently gasp as his mouth presses so gently against mine. For the first time. He kisses me again, and again. My insides are sizzling, but the kisses stay innocent and sweet.
“I want you so much.” His gruff words stoke the fire within me, setting me ablaze.
I tilt my head to the side and push up on my toes.
He moans when my tongue finds his. I fist his hair, tugging at the dark strands, scraping my nails along his scalp.
I’m desperate to touch him – he’s never allowed me to during any of our encounters.
I want his skin under my palms. My hands trail down, only to be met with the stiff collar of his shirt.
“You’re all dressed up,” I whisper breathlessly. “You’re on your way somewhere.”
“I cancelled.”
“Thank fuck. Get this off.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I sense his smile against my lips as he helps me push his jacket off his shoulders.
I pull at his bow tie and then we’re both tackling the buttons on his shirt.
Millions of them! With a huff, Rian grabs the hem and yanks the crisp, white shirt over his head.
One of the cuffs gets stuck around his wrist. I miss out on important kissing time as I try to help him.
“Who the feck wears cufflinks these days?”
“Snobby rich boys like me.” Rian grins and I snort.
The shirt finally falls to the floor. I take a second – or two – to savour the wide, suntanned chest and narrow hips in front of me.
I can finally touch him. His abs contract under my palms as I roam every inch of his toned torso, every sharply cut dip and groove. It’s not enough. I kiss a trail down his neck, graze my teeth along his collarbone, licking and tasting his skin.
“Christ, Cat,” Rian croaks, and then he pulls my t-shirt over my head. His hands are on me. He gently traces the faint bite mark he made two days ago before he cups my breasts, pinching the nipples.
“Ah, yes,” I gasp as the sting sizzles straight to my core.
My chest, breasts, shoulders, back, hair, face – every part of my body becomes an erogenous zone under Rian’s strong and demanding hands.
I need more. At the same time as he pushes my pyjama bottoms down my hips, I tackle his trousers.
The absence of a belt is a welcome shortcut.
He kicks off his dressy shoes, and his tuxedo trousers fall to the floor, joined by mine.
Black, hip-hugging boxers stretch around his erection.
I swallow and grab Rian’s hand, urgently leading him to the bedroom. Once there, I push him onto the bed.
My heart hammers in my chest. What a sight he is, on his back on my small double bed, all toned and lean muscle. I laugh down at him. “Socks in bed, Mr Kearney? I thought you were classier than that!”
“It only shows you haven’t done your job of undressing me properly, Miss Taylor.” He grins back at me, eyes dancing with lust and mischief.
I pull the socks off – even his toes are perfection. I slide my hands slowly up the arch of his feet, up his sculpted calves and knees as I crawl onto the bed. His eyes are trained on my breasts and he licks his lips. Strong thigh muscles flex under my palms on my travel up to his boxers.