36. Rian
Thirty Six
Rian
Ithrow my cards on the table. “I’m out.”
“Where’s your mind tonight, Ri? You’re normally not this shite,” Knox comments.
“My mind is right here, you just keep dealing shite cards,” I lie. Well, my cards have been mostly shitty, but I can usually bluff my way through a couple of wins. But my brother is right, my mind isn’t in the game at all.
Our monthly poker night takes place in Leo’s apartment – it has since he bought the apartment at only eighteen. The green felt on the gaming table is worn and stained from drinks spilled on messy nights.
These gatherings are one of the few things I really missed when I worked abroad, so even though I would have loved to spend more time with Catriona, I refuse to miss out on the night with the fellas. It’s four of us tonight – Leo, Dylan, Knox and me.
“Maybe you’re planning a visit to The Bureau later, and that’s where your mind is?” Leo says with a smirk.
Just the name of the place makes warmth spread through my abs, and images of last night’s adventure flood my mind. I shift in my chair and grab the whiskey tumbler in front of me to stop fidgeting.
“I might join you tonight,” Dylan chimes in and throws his cards on the table with a huff. “I’m sure I’ll have more luck there than with these cards.”
All of us have frequented The Bureau or other similar clubs at some point or another, curiosity drawing us in as we grew out of our teens.
For some, the scene didn’t hold its appeal, whereas a few of us continued to go on a regular basis.
Although right now, I have no interest going without a certain blonde woman on my arm.
“Sorry, I was there last night so I’ve reached my quota for the week.”
My brother lifts one eyebrow. “Have you lost your stamina or did some dominatrix spank you so hard you have problems sitting on your big fat arse?”
“Feck off, dickhead,” I reply with a scoff.
“I’ll go with you tonight, Dylan, if you don’t mind. I haven’t been there in a while,” Knox continues, while tugging at the collar on his t-shirt. I sense my brother’s excitement. I’ve always suspected that Knox is more into the scene than he lets on.
“Sure, Knox. What about you, Leo?”
“Nah, think I’ll save myself for Anika.” Leo’s smile is pure indulgence, which is rewarded with verbal abuse from the rest of us. Not that his rejection is surprising – Leo never took to the clubs. He prefers old-fashioned flirting and sex.
“Any donne catching your eye these days, Knox?” Leo inquires, adding his usual sprinkle of Italian words.
“Ladies? Fuck’n hell, no. You know me, I’m a lone wolf.
” Leaning back in his chair, he runs a hand over his beard before sipping his whiskey.
Knox makes a point out of never getting drunk, but he’ll always have some of the brown stuff at poker nights.
“I’ll probably end up like one of those detectives in the crime novels, lonely and bitter in my late-forties, having to help a nineteen-year-old girl with a murderer on her heels.
She instantly falls in love with me despite my age, alcoholism, receding hairline and expanding waistline, and we live happily ever after until my liver packs in. ”
“That’s gross, Knox!” I manage to yell through gulps of laughter. “That poor little girl, ending up with a Scottish detective!”
“Fuck off!” Knox pretends to scowl – as he always does when I tease him about his name. Our parents have never fully explained why they gave my brother a Scottish name when my sister and I have such traditional Irish ones.
“What about you, Dylan?” Leo asks when the laughter dies down.
“I can assure you, a lady, or let’s say ‘ladies’, have caught my eye – all the time, everywhere.” We all grin at his predictable answer. Leaning over the table, he says conspiratorially, “Earlier this week, I shagged this waitress from the coffee shop in the employees’ bathroom.”
“Ach, shut up.”
“I did!” Dylan insists. “I’m not messing! Afterwards, I signed her tits and even got a free coffee!”
Again, the room erupts in laughter.
“That’s class. The joys of being a rugby star.
” Leo wipes tears from the corners of his eyes.
“There’s no point asking you about your love life, Ri.
Nothing’s new with you, you’re just serial dating random women and getting your release at The Bureau by tying up a few leather-clad girls – or is it boys? – while waiting for your Alexandra.”
If you only knew. I shrug my shoulders instead of answering and hide behind another gulp of my drink.
Knox and Dylan are getting ready to leave a few rounds later. I didn’t win any.
“You’d better come for lunch tomorrow, Knox. I need a buffer between me and Dad. Last week was a fecking shitshow.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad,” Knox says, stretching his back after sitting for so long.
“I’m meeting Jennie and Alexandra tomorrow evening for drinks, why don’t you come and join us afterwards?” Dylan suggests halfway through the door.
“I’m up for that,” I say before I can change my mind. I told Catriona we couldn’t meet tomorrow, so I’ll be free. Although seeing Alexandra feels like cheating on Catriona. Fuck, seeing Catriona feels like cheating on Alexandra. And I still feel bad about standing Alexandra up the other night.
Leo and I settle in more comfortable chairs in the living room and start in on another bottle of whiskey, although we’re both already well sauced. The way things are going, I may end up sleeping on the couch tonight.
“So, things are good with you and Anika?”
Leo leans back in the chair with a disgustingly dreamy sigh.
“She’s unreal. Devine. Perfetto. All I’ve gotten so far, after two dates, is a pretty innocent kiss.
She knows how to play – she wraps me around her little finger and gives me breadcrumbs to keep me interested, and I love it!
” He laughs happily. “If she submits the next time we meet and lets me fuck her, I’ll be totally disappointed.
I like this game.” He glances at me. “I guess you know what I’m talking about.
You and Alexandra have been playing it for the last ten years or so. Does it ever get old?”
The comment is like a slap to the face. Does it ever get old?
I have yet to get a couple of kisses, innocent or not, from Alexandra since our break-up as teenagers. More than ten years and not a kiss. I’ve been content with the waiting game. The whiskey swirls in my tumbler, rising up the sides, threatening to spill over.
“No, it doesn’t get old,” I eventually say quietly.
“But…?”
“But…it may be difficult not to get attracted to someone else while waiting.”
There, I said it.
Leo sits up in his chair, a strange mix of excitement and worry flashing across his face. “Somehow I don’t think you’re talking about the usual birds you flirt with in your office.”
“No…well, she’s actually from the office. But she’s not one of those I take to events, no.”
“She’s the reason you didn’t come to the ballet last week,” Leo states, before snorting. “I was wondering why you so willingly set me up with Anika. Have I met this chick? She’s not one of the girls I’ve had my paws on at the spring BBQ, is she?” he adds in pretend disgust.
I shake my head with a smirk, remembering how Leo described Catriona as a lesbian with the personality of a brick.
“Does she know about Alexandra?”
“Yes.” A zap pierces my stomach, and I try to numb it by taking another big gulp of my drink.
All this guilt is driving me mental. “If you’re serious about Anika, then I recommend that you move forward sooner rather than later.
” My tone turns gruff. “If not, you may break a few hearts on the way, your own included.”
“Fuck, Ri! You’re in deep, aren’t you?”
My silence is answer enough.
Leo runs his hand over his mouth. “You know I’ve always cheered for you and Alexandra, but maybe you should think about this? Is Alexandra really the woman for you?”
“Shut up, you know she is,” I snap. “We’re meant to be, we always were. If not for all-consuming love, then for business. KSS and Calla are a match made in heaven. There’s no other way.”
“Then why don’t you sound happy about it?”
“Happy? I’ve always wanted Alexandra. She is my dream woman. Someone else may have captured my attention for a little while, but there’s no one but Alexandra for me.” I run my fingers through my hair. “She’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“So, you’re going to continue seeing this other woman, even though you’re determined to end up with Alexandra?”
“Yes.” I squeeze my eyes shut. When I feel I’ve got control of my voice, I continue. “Alexandra hasn’t shown any signs yet that she’s ready to take the next step, and by the time she does, I’ll probably be completely over this woman.”
I don’t know if I’ve convinced Leo, and I’m not sure if I have convinced myself either.
Leo doesn’t respond for a while, a frown between his eyebrows. “Be careful, Rian. Your absence at the ballet was noted. Play your cards right or you may end up losing your whole hand.”
* * *
The conversation with Leo plays on repeat in my head as I drive up the M50 after another suffocating Sunday lunch with my parents. The only highlight was the surprise on Dad’s face when I told him about my meeting with HR to discuss international work exchange programmes for staff.
But that moment didn’t ease the knot in my stomach that grows tighter the closer I get to Dublin and the meetup with Alexandra and our friends.
My vintage Jaguar XJS with its custom-made engine is a flying machine, but today, I hate how fast it is.
Acid burns in my throat when I stop at a red light.
“Fuck,” I mutter and send a quick message before the light turns green.
Survived the dreaded Sunday lunch, but just barely. How are you at resurrecting the half dead?
Catriona responds five minutes later. If you’re in the area, we can see what I can do.
The tires sequel as I do a very illegal turn.
I’ll be there in 10. Get your lipstick on and prepare to kiss me back to life.
I try to quiet the voice in my head saying I’ve just stood up Alexandra to be with Catriona, yet again.