43. Catriona
Forty Three
Catriona
Bloodshot eyes, hair sticking out in all directions, the normally perfectly fitted suit that today somehow seems off.
And he avoids looking at me.
Yeah, he appears just like he should the day after a hot date. What a cowardly bastard!
It is a relief to feel anger replace some of the debilitating pain. Anger that only grows every minute Rian stays in his office behind the closed door.
I let him settle for half an hour, thirty angry minutes during which he could come clean with me – but nothing. I refuse to sit and feel like crap, so I take a file from my desk and walk into his office, not waiting for an answer when I knock.
His head, buried in his hands, shoots up, and a whole array of emotions flicker across his face. His chest rises on a deep breath as he smiles up at me. The smile is too bright, with worry and guilt swimming in his eyes instead of the mischief and lust I’ve become so used to.
“Morning, Catriona.”
Only days ago, his low timbre would have made me clench my legs together. Now I clench my teeth.
“Morning, Rian.”
“What can I do for you?”
Coward.
“Did you have a good night with your family?”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “Sure, you know these family things. Nothing special.”
With anger simmering in my veins, I wait.
Waiting.
Waiting.
His fingers drum a soundless melody of doom on his armrest.
A heaviness fills me, spreading its cold lead from my aching core out to my fingertips and down to my toes.
My gaze drops to the floor as if my eyes are also too heavy to hold high.
Gravity drains the anger from me – the only thing that was holding me up.
When I finally lift my head, Rian’s eyes are filled with terror and his jaw is tense.
“You’re a cowardly bastard, Rian,” I whisper.
He opens his mouth to say something but shuts it again. His features are pained, but not as pained as my heart. I turn and walk out of his office, leaving his insulting silence behind me.
* * *
Never has a day gone slower.
The digits showing the time in the corner of my computer screen seem not to change.
Never has the office gossip annoyed me more. Everyone whispers Rian and Alexandra and gathers around their phones or computer screens and aaah’s and oooh’s over last night’s restaurant pictures.
She’s so pretty.
He’s so handsome.
The perfect couple.
Finally, I understand why Mum wanted to protect me from impossible love.
“Are you okay?” Gemma’s voice startles me.
“Uh, yes, I’m grand. Why?”
I sit up straight and busy myself moving some papers around my desk.
“You’re a little pale,” she replies, her brows drawn together.
I stop fidgeting. Gemma has become my friend, and her concern warms my heart.
“I have a headache, that’s all.” I try to smile, but I know it’s weak.
“Maybe you should take the rest of the day off?”
It’s so tempting to go home and bury myself in my misery, cry until there are no tears left. Curse the world with Rian in it. But I won’t. I’ve done nothing wrong! He is the one who cheated on me after saying he’d give us a go, so why would I make things easier for him?
“I’ll just take a couple of painkillers, and I’m sure I’ll feel better soon.”
Not likely.
“You sure, now?” Gemma eyes me sceptically and tucks a red curl behind her ear. “I can cover for you, you know.”
“Positive. And thanks.”
I grab Gemma’s hand and give it a squeeze.
If it had been anyone but Rian who broke my heart, then I would’ve loved to talk to Gemma about it.
With her own recent heartache over Eric, I’m sure she can relate to my pain and offer support.
My shoulders drop on a heavy sigh, and I turn back to my screen.
A whole two minutes have passed while talking to my colleague.
It’s going to be a horribly long, awful day.
Two hours later, Gemma repeats her concern about my welfare. I’m by her desk, showing her how to set up a particular analysis, but again I brush it off, claiming to be fine.
I tense as the door to Rian’s office opens and he steps through it, his hair even more messed up than it was this morning. With his head down, I see with dread that he’s aiming for Gemma’s desk.
Oh, please don’t come this way!
An unreadable emotion flashes across his face as our gazes collide. My heart beats harder, pumping pain out to every part of my body.
He is no longer mine.
I do what I always do. Straighten my back, lift my chin and ensure my eyes are cold and emotionless. I don’t know if I’m successful – hurt is probably seeping from every pore.
Rian – the coward – averts his gaze to Gemma.
“Um, Gemma. Have you received the figures from Anika’s team yet?”
“Sorry, I’m still waiting on them. They said I won’t have them until tomorrow. Everything else is ready for the report. Do you want me to send it now, or would you like to wait until tomorrow when it’s all updated?”
“Tomorrow will be fine, Gemma. Thank you,” he says quietly. His eyes flick to me, and then he turns his back on us. I want to reach out, touch him, beg him. And put a stake through his loveless heart.
“Hi, Rian!” Out of nowhere, Trevor appears.
Rian stops. “Trevor.”
Trevor leans closer and lowers his tone. “I-um, I heard you were on a hot date last night?”
No, no, no, please no!
Rian’s eyes widen before he shields his expression with a neutral one.
“You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”
“Ach, Rian.” Trevor actually winks at him.
“You should know, you can’t keep anything secret around here.
” Trevor is laughing while Gemma beams her wide, friendly smile.
It dawns on me that they’re not only fishing for gossip, but they’re genuinely happy for Rian.
In some surreal way, it feels like betrayal.
“You know, Catriona will skin you alive if you start wearing a silly in-love face around the office,” Trevor adds jovially while nudging me, expecting me to have a sharp comment ready.
If only the earth could part and swallow me whole. There is an awkward silence that Gemma eventually fills.
“Catriona’s not on top form. I keep telling her to go home.”
Rian clears his throat. “If you’re not well, then feel free to go home and rest,” he offers quietly.
“I’m fine!” I snap, earning surprised glances from my colleagues. Oh, let them think I’m PMSing. It’s better than them knowing the truth.
In the distance I hear the ding of the lift, but it doesn’t really register until the whole office hushes.
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck.
I thought this day couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong.
I know who it is, even before I turn.
In a tailor-made fitted business suit and killer heels, Alexandra Harrington’s size-zero frame is sophistication personified. There’s confidence in every one of her steps and a secretive smile on her puffy lips.
I glance down at my grey one-size-too-big jacket and matching too-big trousers, fraying at the ends, and I feel stupid and ugly.
Stop it! I have nothing to be ashamed of!
I take a deep breath and lift my chin. Glancing at Rian, I notice with glee that I’ve never seen him so uncomfortable. He actually looks sick.
Good for you, dickhead!
But then Alexandra is at his side and places her well-manicured hand possessively on Rian’s arm, and it’s like being punched in the stomach.
“Rian…” Her voice is velvety and intimate.
“Alexandra, I didn’t expect to see you here.”
I want to laugh at his squeaky voice, but any sound is stuck behind the lump in my throat at the sight of Alexandra stretching up on her toes to kiss Rian’s cheek.
Please don’t cry, please don’t cry!
“I just wanted to go over some last-minute details for Friday’s event,” she purrs.
“Um – yes, sure,” Rian stutters. “Let’s go into my office.”
Gemma interrupts, “So, is everything set for the spring barbeque?”
Alexandra gives my colleague all her attention, yet still holding Rian’s arm. “Gemma, isn’t it?”
Gemma smiles widely and nods. “Yes, yes, it is.”
“Well, Gemma, everything is going to plan. It will be a special day this year.” She finishes her sentence with a light flick of her shiny hair while gazing up at Rian through her eyelashes.
I want to look away, but for some perverse reason I can’t, despite my insides tearing to bits with every passing second.
“We’re all looking forward to it,” Trevor assures enthusiastically.
Alexandra turns her attention to me, expecting a similar comment.
But I just stand there, unable to focus on anything but the hand that is trapping Rian’s muscular arm.
I know Alexandra feels his heat through the thin shirt fabric.
Know that she’ll soon be wrapped up in it, safe in his arms, just like I was. Like I’ll never be again.
Don’t cry!
I hear Rian’s sharp intake of breath and his abrupt, “Let’s go into my office”, before he leads Alexandra across the floor, his hand now on her lower back, and my heart in a thousand pieces on the felt-covered floor.
As the door closes behind them, Gemma eyes me suspiciously, whereas Trevor is already involved in the gossip the office has erupted in.
“I need another painkiller,” I mumble.
* * *
The living room window is cold against my forehead.
I want to go for a run, to relieve some of the built-up tension, but I can’t seem to move my limbs.
I want to eat, but I know I won’t get a single bite down.
I want to call my mother, but my pride stops me from lifting the phone.
Everything hurts so badly.
My gaze drifts to the chairs on my balcony where Rian and I were sitting in apparent bliss only a few days ago. I squeeze my eyes shut. Tears burn hot trails down my cheeks.
Will I ever feel that way again? I’ve never felt so much in my life. These past few weeks have been the most alive I’ve ever been.
He made me feel.
He made me want to live.
And he’s taken it away.
No!
I straighten, take a deep breath and slowly release it. I will never stop living again. He is not breaking me!
“I’m not going to stop living,” I swear to my reflection in the window. The train darts past, whining its consent.
I nod, confirming my resolve. I’ll not let Rian, my career, money, my father, or my mother stop me from living my life to the full.
Starting with this Friday.
I will go to the spring barbeque.
Rian may have made his choice, but so have I. I’m not hiding! I’ll show him what he let go. I will keep my head high, and I will live – not a little – but a lot!