Chapter 1
I told Nate that I'm in love with him.
Even Mama's visit and the threat of having to socialise more fresh in my mind can't take away that thought.
I did what Veronica has been telling me to do for a couple of months and told Nate how I feel about him.
I touch my lips, recalling the way it felt to kiss him. I've never thought much about kissing anyone until recently, but I have to admit that now I want to do it again. It was much more enjoyable with Nate than any of the other times I've kissed anyone.
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now, but I'm glad that I did it, especially because he feels the same, and that makes me feel all kinds of warm inside.
A crackle from the fire draws my attention, and I look over to see that Ember is curled up within the flames, her wings tucked against her side.
At least that's one less thing to worry about.
Maybe I should take the opportunity to go back down to the kitchen.
But Nate said that he needed to finish preparing for tomorrow's breakfast, and I don't want to make things difficult for him.
He's only just taken on the job as the castle's pastry chef, I don't want to get him into trouble.
Even so, I find myself turning towards the door, but am stopped before I can open it by a knock.
Hopefully it isn't my mother on the other side this time.
I head over and touch the handle, my heart pounding in my chest in a wholly unusual way. I pull it open, relief crashing through me as I see the man on the other side.
"Nate," I whisper.
"Evie," he responds.
"I'm glad to see you," I blurt out.
He chuckles. "I'd be disappointed if you weren't. Unless you're trying to tell me that everything in the kitchen was a daydream I was having while making croissant dough."
I step closer to him and put a hand on his chest. "Have you daydreamed about kissing me before?" I meet his warm brown eyes, realising that I know what I want him to say.
"Would you believe me if I said yes?"
"Why wouldn't I believe you?" I respond. "You're not in the habit of lying to me. At least not as far as I know."
"I don't lie to you," he assures me. "So, now that you've had time to think about the kissing..."
"We can do it again," I respond, completely ignoring all of the complicated feelings I have thanks to Mama's announcements. "If you want to."
"Definitely." He cups my cheek in his hand and leans in.
I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the moment, enjoying how close we are together, and the fact that his arm has reached around my waist, pulling me closer.
He tastes faintly sweet, but I can't place the flavour.
Maybe it's just him. I'm probably going to have to kiss him a lot more to find out.
"Ahem."
We break apart at the sound, and I look over to where my sister is standing in the corridor, looking at me with an expression that I think I'm supposed to understand, but I don't.
"Do you know what this is?" she asks, leaning in and tapping on the door a couple of times. She sounds amused, but with Veronica, it's not always easy to guess.
"It's a door," I respond, a little confused about why she'd ask me such an obvious question.
"Good. Now watch me close it and remember how to do it next time." There's a loud clunk as she pulls it shut behind her.
"Sorry, I think that's my fault," Nate says.
"She didn't tell me she was coming," I point out. "She's probably coming home from the feast. I did just leave during dessert."
"I thought you weren't supposed to do that?" Nate asks.
I grimace. "I'm not. And Mama has already been here to tell me off."
"Hopefully you didn't get into too much trouble." He looks at my face, a concerned expression crossing his own. "Evie?"
I take his hand and draw him over to one of the seats that will comfortably sit two.
I arrange my skirts so they don't annoy me, glad that I'm rid of a lot of the unnecessary shaping fabric from beneath, so that I can still sit close to him.
I take a deep breath. "Mama is unhappy with me.
I know that's not really new, but I think she's particularly angry that I left the feast early. "
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" I ask. "You had no idea that Veronica would tell me that you're in love with me."
"Veronica told you?" There's a hint of surprise in his voice. At least, I think it's surprise. I'm not always the best at reading people, but I tend to do a decent job with Nate.
"She's been helping me understand my emotions," I respond.
"Well, that explains that," he says.
"It does?"
"She didn't seem particularly surprised to see me." He gestures towards the door. "So, you've been talking to Veronica about the fact you love me?"
"She was the one who asked me if I did," I blurt out. "I didn't have a name for the feelings until then. But then she asked, and I was watching you and trying to work it out. Then I was certain that's what it was."
"When did you realise?" He reaches out and takes my hand, which is nice.
"While you were visiting with the Wafeland delegation," I respond, not seeing any need to not tell the exact truth.
"I see."
"When did you realise?"
"The Yuletide before I left."
I blink a few times. "That's nearly six years ago."
"Yes."
"Nate..."
"Evie," he responds as he smooths his thumb over the back of my hand.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I meet his gaze, seeing the familiar and comforting brown eyes looking into my own and feeling as if they see me in a way no one else does. Though I suppose I don't really meet anyone else's gaze, so I don't know if that would be the same.
"I was still working out how I felt," he responds. "And I didn't know you felt the same. Which you didn't."
"I did. I mean, I think I did, I just didn't realise. Veronica said that."
"Ah."
"I don't know how to have this conversation," I admit.
"I can't say I have much experience with it either," Nate responds.
"I liked kissing you," I say, going for the thing that's been on my mind since I left the kitchen. "A lot."
A relieved smile crosses his face. "I liked it too."
"And I meant everything I said in the kitchens." As nervous as I've been about telling him the truth about my feelings, now I have, I feel a lot more confident about it all. "I'm in love with you, Nate."
"I'm in love with you too," he assures me. "I have been for a long time."
"You didn't tell me before."
"I didn't know how you felt," he says. "Or if you were in a place to hear it. You never talked about courting anyone. I know that you said that you've slept with a couple of people, but I had no idea about any of that."
"They were both after you left," I respond. "I was...trying to work out how I felt about it."
"You never mentioned it in your letters either."
I frown. "I don't have an explanation for that. I thought that telling you might be strange. We never talked about anything like that. You never told me if you were courting anyone either."
"I haven't," Nate responds. "There wasn't much time for anyone else when I was baking with you every night."
"Oh." I look away.
"No, Evie, I didn't mean it like that." He takes hold of my other hand, so now both of mine are in his.
"I love baking with you. I've always loved it.
The thought of saying no to you in order to spend time with someone else never felt right to me.
It wasn't something I wanted to give up for anyone else. "
"Maybe you missed out..."
"I didn't miss anything, Evie."
I look at him, seeing how intently he's looking at me and believing what he's saying. "What happens now?" I ask.
"Well, it's late. So I suspect we say goodnight and head to bed. Then tomorrow, we'll do everything as normal. You'll come down to bake."
"Am I allowed to kiss you again tomorrow?" I ask.
He chuckles. "You can kiss me as much as you want to," he promises.
"Even in the kitchen?"
"It's a bit late if we're not going to kiss there," he points out.
"True. And luckily, there isn't an event tomorrow. I only have dinner with my family. I don't think Mama will make me stay too late at that."
"I thought you already had rules for when you could leave events in place?" he asks.
I grimace. "Mama has changed them. She's not happy with me for leaving the feast during dessert."
"In fairness, I don't think I've ever known you to leave a feast during dessert."
"I won't be able to do it at all until after the Gaullessians leave.
I have to stay to the end of every event.
" I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"And I have to have a ball for my birthday.
I don't want to have a ball." I don't add that the ball has to involve suitors.
I'm not entirely sure how to tell him that even though I want to.
"Can you tell the Queen that you don't want one?"
"I did. But she insisted. I would much rather spend the day in the kitchen with you."
"You'd rather spend every day in the kitchen, Evie," he reminds me. "But I promise that I'll be there waiting for you when the ball is done."
My heart aches even at the idea of that. Mama is expecting me to dance with suitors and visiting nobles, while Nate will be waiting in the kitchen. I can't bring myself to say any of that out loud, even if I know that I need to tell him.
"I could teach you to make a slagroomtaart," he says. "They're traditional in Wafeland for birthdays, and you've said you're interested in making one some time."
"Maybe."
He nods. "We can talk about it later. But now I should let you get some sleep." He reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face. "I love you, Evie."
"I love you too, Nate." The moment the words leave me I feel so much better. As much as I don't want to deal with the restrictions Mama has set for me, it's worth it.
I lean in and press my lips against his, kissing him softly and enjoying the new discovery that's kissing someone I love. It makes me feel warm inside, like everything is well in the world and there isn't a single noise or discomfort breaking through. And I want more of it.
So much more.