Chapter 30 Asher
BECAUSE I DON’T feel like going straight home, I tell Benjimen to take me to Lupercalia. This thing with Cord has me tied in knots, and I decide to lose myself in a little mindless entertainment for a few hours.
It’s not about facing off against Dante.
I’ve encountered plenty of men like him in my business dealings and never had a problem putting them in their place.
No, it was seeing Cord in that environment.
Imagining him spending his days with those people.
I know I said I wouldn’t criticize his lifestyle choices, but I wish there was some way to make him see he’s so much better than that.
I know Cord feels he has the freedom to indulge his violent tendencies with the Crimson Guild, but Dante is unworthy of his talents. He’s a thug and a bully, but I can’t say anything without pissing Cord off, so I’m forced to keep my opinions to myself.
And that’s not easy for me. I’m used to speaking my mind. To having the upper hand. But I know that’s what drove Cord away in the first place, so what do I do? The last thing I want is to chase him off when we’re just starting to put things back together again.
It’s early in the evening so business at Lupercalia hasn’t hit the nightly rush when I arrive. I flag down Esmerelda and ask if Armand is available.
“For you, of course,” she assures me. “Do you want a room or an alcove?”
I don’t even think about it before replying. “A room.”
She pulls a key card out of her pocket and types something into her iPad. “Here you go,” she says, handing me the card. “Room 407. I’ll have Armand meet you there. Enjoy.”
I take the card and head off to the elevator, trying not to think about what I’m about to do.
It’s not like Cord and I are exclusive. Hell, he only shows up when I badger him into it or he needs blood.
And I’m sure he isn’t worrying about me when he gets his daily fix from whatever random stranger he picks up in a bar or alley.
He told me himself he was doing just fine before we ran into each other on the street.
So why am I feeling guilty? It’s not like I’m cheating on him. You can’t cheat if you don’t have a relationship, can you?
Armand looks as delicious as he always does, especially when he saunters across the room toward me and starts taking off his clothes. I lean back on the bed and tamp down the voices in my head as I reach for him, intent on losing myself in the arms of my favorite donor.
Easy, right?
And yet, I keep seeing Cord coming apart under me the last time I had him in my bed.
Bound, bleeding, and begging.
The look on his face when it was stuffed with my cock.
Knowing there’s no one in the world I would rather be with.
Armand reaches for my pants, unbuttoning them then lowering the zipper. I watch him pull them down, his fingers slipping inside my boxers. Stretching for my cock. Licking his lips in anticipation.
“Wait.”
He looks up at me, eyes shining with lust. I know he’s good at what he does, and that he’ll have no problem making me forget, if only for a while.
But is that what I want?
Do I want to forget, or do I want to remember?
To remember what it’s like to be owned by the only man I’ve ever loved.
To be lost in his arms.
To be buried balls deep in his ass.
“Is there something wrong?” Armand asks.
Damn it.
I should be able to do this. I did it for ten years, taking my pleasure wherever I could find it.
Though was it really pleasure, or was it just surviving? Going through the motions? Finding a willing port–any port–in the darkness that was my life?
Can I accept a substitute when the real thing is within my grasp?
“Fuck,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I can’t do this.”
I sit up and pull my pants back up. Armand watches me, his expression blank. I expected some drama, at least a little pushback on my actions, but he offers neither. Instead, he sits back on his haunches and studies me for several minutes before speaking.
“He’s important to you.”
That surprises me. “Who?”
“The man who was in your apartment. The Code 3.”
“How did you know?”
He smiles then. “Come on, Asher. I saw the way you cared for him. There’s history there.”
I sigh. “There may be history, but I’m not sure there’s a future.”
“But you want one, right?”
“As ill-advised as that is, yes.”
He shrugs. “The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn’t ask us for permission.”
“I never took you for a philosopher,” I grin.
“I’m more than just a pretty face. Besides, I’ve had my own experience with wanting what I can’t have. It changes you.”
“Not always for the better.”
“That depends on whether or not you get it.”
“Did you?”
He sits back and drapes his arms around his bent knees. “Ah, now that’s a loaded question.”
“We have the room,” I reply.
He offers a sad smile. “I was so very young and he was…beautiful. And so, so wrong for me. But who listens to reason when you’re in love? Or lust, who can tell?”
“I take it, it didn’t end well?”
“It ended the way it was supposed to. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I caught him cheating, with not one, but two women.”
I can’t help it, I’m pulled into the story. “Yikes. You’re kidding?”
“No. And the worst part was, we were in business together, so you can imagine how that went. In one fateful night I lost my lover, my business partner, and my apartment.” He runs a hand back though his hair. “It was not a good night for me.”
“What did you do?”
He smiles. “I did what any self-respecting single gay man in New York would do. I went to a bar to get drunk and hopefully laid. Turns out the bar was Lupercalia.”
“Here?”
He nods. “I started talking to the bartender and he told me if I was looking for a job to go see Esmerelda.” He throws his arms wide. “And here I am.”
It’s funny. I’ve known Armand for four years and never thought about how he, or any of the other donors Lupercalia employs, found their way into this life.
“Do you have any regrets?”
“About this? Oh, honey, no. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’ve got a great apartment, stock options, money in the bank, and a job where I work an hour a night and get to entertain some of the most handsome men in the city.
What’s not to love? If I stay here I’ll be able to retire comfortably by the time I’m thirty-five. ”
I knew Lupercalia paid well–how else would they be able to afford to keep the highest quality donors in the city–but I had no idea it was that good. When you think about it, donors are no different than high end escorts, and everyone knows the kind of bank they pull in.
“Look, I know sex is off the table, but you still need blood, right?” he asks me now.
I nod and he gets up on his knees and crawls to me, offering me his neck. “Take what you need.”
I pull out my knife and meet his eyes. “You really don’t mind giving up your blood for people like me?”
“It’s just blood. Unlike you, I can make more.
And they take real good care of me here.
If I can sacrifice a little piece of myself to help someone like you survive, it’s worth it.
To be honest, I feel like I’m part of an exclusive club that’s in on a big secret.
Little do most normal people know that reality is more than what they believe it to be. ”
“You are a treasure, Armand,” I tell him as I make the cut and bring my lips to his neck.
? ? ?
Elaine calls me while I’m on my way home from Lupercalia.
“I got an address,” she says when I answer. “Actually, two of them.”
“Two?”
“Yeah. The first is a house in the Hamptons.”
I’m sure Thalium isn’t running his operation from the Hamptons. “What’s the second one?”
“He has an apartment at 740 Park Avenue.”
Of course. One of the most exclusive addresses in Manhattan. The co-op board there is as strict as they come, so I doubt he’s entertaining Outliers in the apartment. I’m also sure they wouldn’t want members of the Crimson Guild invading their privacy, regardless of how many palms Dante greases.
“I think we can both agree the Python isn’t using either one of those as a base for his rebellion,” I muse.
“No, I’m sure you’re right, but those are the only addresses I can find under Thalium’s name.”
“So that’s a dead end.”
“Not necessarily.” The way she says it means she’s got something else up her sleeve.
“What are you thinking, Elaine?”
“Remember the Arts Council benefit coming up next week?”
I groan. I received my invitation but I was intending on skipping it.
I hate those things, having to schmooze with a bunch of one percenters I’d as soon see dead.
Granted, a lot of Clan members show up at these events to network, but I’m no more interested in seeing them than I am their human counterparts.
“What about it?”
“Well, don’t you just think someone like Thalium would put in an appearance at something like that?”
“He doesn’t strike me as the philanthropic type.”
“Criminals need tax write-offs, too. And what’s better than a charity?”
I start to protest, then reconsider. “I guess I hadn’t really thought about it that way.”
“Then it’s a good thing you have me. I can RSVP you and a plus one.”
“A plus one? And just who did you have in mind for that?”
I hope she’s not suggesting I take her, because exposing her to that crowd would not be a smart call.
There will be high ranking law enforcement there, and she’s still a wanted commodity in some circles.
Plus there’s the matter of her father, who, as she recently enlightened me, is a prominent businessman.
“I was thinking you could take Cord. That way he could get a look at him.”
Cord? At an event like that? He hates social situations. Plus that would mean he’d have to dress up. Does he even own a suit? And would he wear it?
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I hedge.
“Why not? Are you ashamed to be seen with him?”
“No, never. I just…I don’t think he’d be interested.”
“He’s looking for the Python. Why wouldn’t he be interested in going someplace where he might show up?”
She makes a valid point, but this is Cord we’re talking about.
As well as I think I know him, there are aspects to his life I’m not privy to anymore.
Plus, who’s to say he’d want to go anywhere with me, especially if it involves wealthy people?
Cord is kind of a reverse snob when it comes to that.
Didn’t he recently lecture me on my attitude about money?
“You don’t understand Cord. This isn’t his crowd.”
“It’s not your crowd either, but you’re going.”
“Yes, but I fit in better there. Cord…well, he’s not a dress up and schmooze kind of guy.”
“Give him some credit. Maybe he is and you just don’t know it. You said it yourself, you’ve been apart for a while. A lot can change in a few years.”
“I doubt that would,” I murmur.”
“You don’t know unless you ask.”
I can see I’m not going to win this argument. Once Elaine makes up her mind she’s as stubborn as I am. And she does bring up an intriguing point.
Having Cord by my side would definitely make this event more tolerable. That is, if he would agree to go. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask him. What’s the worst that could happen? He says no and I go by myself.
Plus the thought of seeing Cord in a suit makes my mouth water.
“Is there any way you can get the guest list?” I ask her. “I’d like to know if it’s even worth it.”
She chuckles. “Come on, Asher, look who you’re talking to. I’ll have it for you first thing in the morning.”