Chapter 34 Asher
AFTER TEXTING CORD to tell him about his appointment with my tailor on Monday, I don’t hear from him the rest of the weekend. I spend the time catching up on work and attending a play, hoping he’ll show up in the evening, but no one appears.
Finally, when I can no longer stand the distance, I have Benjimen take me by his apartment after leaving the office Monday evening.
I don’t know if he’s home and I didn’t check the garage for his car, so I’m flying blind.
I have no excuse for being here other than wanting to see him. To be in the same space as him.
Space I had willingly conceded, but as I told him. I’m not a patient man. Especially where he’s concerned. If that makes me pushy, then so be it. He can just learn to deal with it. It’s not like we’re strangers.
The building is quiet as I make my way down the hall toward his apartment. I stop outside his door, wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Deciding I don’t care. I just need to see him.
I knock and wait.
And wait.
Finally I hear footsteps, the snick of the bolt unlocking, and then he’s there.
We stare at each other for a good minute without speaking.
He finally offers a wry smirk. “Something you want to tell me?”
“No. Well, yes.”
He quirks a brow. “Which is it?”
As usual, he doesn’t make anything easy. “Can I come in?”
He hesitates for a second, then steps aside and watches as I enter, his eyes never leaving my face. After he closes and locks the door behind me, he turns and leads me into the livingroom, where the TV is on but the sound muted. He picks up the remote and switches it off then looks up at me.
I have nothing rehearsed. No reason for being here other than pure desire. Maybe I should lie, make something up, but I know Cord would see right through that, so I opt for the truth.
“I just wanted to see you.”
Did you want to see me? is left unspoken between us. I know better than to ask a question I already know the answer to. If he had wanted to see me, he would have come by. I guess what I want to know now is if I’m wasting my time.
Every moment we’ve spent together since reconnecting tells me I’m not.
Even when he acts indifferent to or annoyed by my presence, his eyes tell a different story.
I like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character, and there’s no one I know better than Cord, which means I should be able to read him.
But I’m not sure.
His hot and cold attitude has me second guessing myself. I want to just fall into his arms and push the world away, but I can’t because I don’t know if he’ll accept me.
He watches my face like he’s trying to read my mind. When he speaks, it’s not what I expected.
“Who were you dreaming about?”
The question throws me off balance. Who was I dreaming about? When?
I look to him for a clue, but his face is a vault, giving up nothing. He expects me to know what he’s talking about. When I come up blank, I say the only thing I can think of. The safest thing I can think of.
“You’re the only one I ever dream about.”
He doesn’t look convinced. “Ever?”
“Yes. Always have been, always will be.”
I don’t know how to make that any clearer. Why would I be pursuing him relentlessly if he wasn’t the most important person in the world to me? My thoughts are dominated by him, both waking and sleeping.
I swallow a lump in my throat and take a step toward him. “Cord, I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I love you. I’ve done my damnedest to show you, but if you still doubt me, I guess I haven’t done a good enough job. If you need something more, just tell me. I’ll do anything.”
I’d get down on my knees and beg, if I thought that would help. I’m one step away from doing just that when he closes the distance between us and crashes his lips into mine.
The move takes me by surprise, and I struggle to get my bearings as his tongue pushes its way into my mouth, owning every part of me. A desperate moan escapes me as I open myself to him. Wanting to swallow his fire.
His life.
His soul.
The kiss is wild.
Bruising.
Vicious.
Demanding.
He doesn’t reach for anything else. Doesn’t use his hands. Doesn’t pull us closer together.
Just his mouth devouring mine. His tongue twisted around mine. His breath filling my lungs.
The only connection between us.
And yet I feel him in every cell of my body.
When he finally breaks away, his eyes open and look at me, searching mine. I return his stare, breathless and overwhelmed.
“I would taste a lie,” he whispers.
“I would never lie to you.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“So you believe me?” I can’t keep the desperation out of my voice.
“I believe you believe.”
I reach a hand up and grasp his chin, pulling his face closer. “How else can I show you? Regardless of what you might think, I never stopped loving you. There has never been anyone else.”
He sighs. “I know.”
“And for you?”
He doesn’t answer for several minutes, during which I hold my breath. Waiting.
The world plays on. The old clock on his wall ticks away the minutes. The traffic outside his window continues to rumble past. A door somewhere in the building opens and closes.
I realize during his silence that he hasn’t told me how he feels. That I’ve been the one pledging my love. My loyalty. My desire.
For his part, he’s remained uncommitted.
The old doubt creeps back in, and I have all I can do not to succumb to it. To run away and hide. His rejection is the only thing in this world I fear.
His hand closes around mine and brings it to his lips. A flicker of emotion darkens his eyes, and something of the old Cord flares up. The one I knew from my youth. The one who slayed dragons for me and promised to lay the world at my feet.
That’s the Cord I want. The Cord I need. The Cord I risked everything for when I went to his cell to reveal my feelings. The Cord I would gladly trade my life for.
“The same,” he says finally.
I exhale and squeeze my eyes shut against the well of feelings those two words inspire. Just one moment to savor the taste of his confession. It’s balm to my starving soul.
When I open my eyes, his smile greets me. This time it’s me who initiates the contact when our lips meet. There’s a wanton craving in the kiss now, a feverish need to merge. To own.
To devour.
I close my arms around him, my hands dragging down his back, to his waist, slipping under his shirt to feel the warmth of his skin. He’s like a drug I can’t get enough of.
“We should talk,” he says, halting my assault.
I look up at him. He’s serious. He wants to talk now?
“What do you want to talk about?”
“This. Us.”
He pulls away from me and crosses to the couch, lowering himself and patting the seat next to him. After I sit, he swallows a deep breath and reaches for my hand.
“Ever since we…reconnected on the street that night, it’s been a series of desperate hookups every time we see each other.”
I smile wryly. “That’s kind of always been our dynamic.”
“Yeah, I know, but I want–I need–more than that. You can tell me how you feel, but unless I actually experience it, it’s only words.”
“And you think talking will help?”
“Don’t you?”
Yes. We lost ten years of time together. I want to know what he was doing, where he went, what he felt during that time.
“What do you want to know?” I ask him. “I have no secrets from you.”
“Let’s start small. Have your priorities changed since we split up?”
I know where he’s going with this. He told me as much that day right here in this room.
He thinks I put my business first, and maybe to him it looked like that.
Hell, maybe it even was a little bit of that, if I’m being honest. I was driven to succeed, but not at the cost of our relationship. If he had told me…
No. If I had listened, I would have walked away from it immediately. I never put two and two together until it was too late. By the time I realized my mistake, he was gone and I had no way to bring him back.
I don’t want my life to be a series of regrets. And losing him would be the biggest.
“It’s funny you should bring that up right now. I’ve recently been thinking about letting someone else take over my business.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. All this stuff with the Python made me realize I’m vulnerable by being in the public eye. Plus, I don’t want to spend all my time worrying about the next deal or growing my portfolio. There are more important things in life.”
“Like what?”
“Like you, for starters.”
I squeeze his hand. “When I look at my life objectively, the only thing that matters is you. I can lose everything else and it won’t mean a thing. But you…you’re my everything.”
He doesn’t speak for several minutes, though his eyes reflect a world of emotions. Finally he takes a deep breath and exhales, like he’s come to a conclusion.
“I know I threw all the blame on you, but that wasn’t fair. I have my share of guilt. I’m…well, you know I’m something of a hothead. I like conflict. I like the fight. It’s something wired wrong in me, but I’m too old to change it now.”
I start to comment and he holds up his hand to stop me.
“Let me finish. Please. When I first came to the city, Dante offered me the chance to do everything I wanted to do.
I got to get my hands dirty without consequences, and I even got paid for it.
For a kid who grew up fighting his way through first a drug addict mother, then the foster care system, juvie, and a group home, it was like I suddenly counted.
“I always knew how you felt about my fighting, despite the fact that you got yourself in trouble defending me. Hell, you even got thrown in a halfway house because of me. If it hadn’t been for me, you might have accomplished everything you have without the help of the Clan.
I brought you into this life, and then I abandoned you.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel guilty for that.
And I guess I took that guilt out on you.
“The truth is, I’ve been reconsidering my own choices lately. Beating up scumbags at the beck and call of a sadistic monster, regardless of the money, has kind of lost its shine for me.”
“Are you thinking about leaving the Guild?”
“Wouldn’t be the worst thing that happened. I mean, I can’t do anything right now, with this Python thing hanging over our heads, but later, when it’s over, I’m seriously considering walking away from it.”
The thought of Cord walking away from Dante is like lifting a weight off my shoulders. I never thought this day would come. “What would you do?”
He grins at me. “What would you do without your business?”
“To be honest, I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“Me neither. And in a way, that’s kind of liberating.”
“Tell you what,” I offer. “Let’s table this discussion until after we deal with this Python threat, but I want you to promise me something.”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
“I want to help you. I have resources Dante doesn’t have and I’m willing to put them to use. If he doesn’t like that, fuck him. I’m more concerned with your safety.”
“I’ll agree under one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You don’t put yourself or your people at risk. I’m trained for it. You’re not.”
As much as I might resent the implication that I can’t handle myself, I know he’s right. I’m not a fighter, and he’s trained his whole life to be the weapon he is.
“Deal,” I say finally. “Now what do you say I take you out to feed? My treat.”
“Feed? Where?”
“Where else? You deserve only the best.”
“Ash, you know that’s not my style.”
“You have no problem when I order them in.”
“Yeah, but, going there? I mean, look at me. I don’t fit in with the bougie crowd.”
“You fit in anywhere you want. And I dare anyone to say otherwise.”
“If I didn’t know better I’d swear you were trying to spoil me.”
I grin. “Of course I am. You deserve it. Come on, get dressed. We can even have a drink in the bar afterwards. It’ll be like a date.”
He groans. “A date?”
“You got something better to do?”
“No,” he grumbles, but I can see the smile in his eyes.