Derek #2
Derek was silently fuming. If you know what you’re doing, you don’t need your partner to safe word to know they aren’t enjoying it. The guy was a manipulative cunt.
“He suggested we have a drink to clear the air, so I agreed. I don’t know why I did, but . . . well, he . . .”
Kieran choked up. Derek took hold of his hand, not saying anything. He knew Kieran needed to get this out, but in his own time.
“He put something in my drink, because all I remember is drinking the wine, and the next minute I was on the floor in the office. All the lights were off, and I had no pants on. I knew something had happened because . . . because . . . he hadn’t used a condom.”
Kieran gave a gut-wrenching sob, and Derek didn’t hesitate to pull him onto his lap and hold him, stroking his back. The agonising sobs coming from this sweet boy were heartbreaking. Derek never wanted to let go of him, but he also wanted to find Carl and end his life.
Derek lost all track of time as Kieran clung tightly to him.
As a teenager, he’d been very tactile, but his mum hadn’t been overly affectionate with her kids.
A million things were going through his mind.
Given Carl’s connection to Grant Kincaid, he wasn’t sure if involving the police would be a mistake.
Plus, Kieran had washed away any evidence.
He doubted it was what Kieran wanted to do anyway, but they needed to get him to the clinic in case he’d been exposed to anything.
The guy hadn’t used a condom and had drugged someone so he could rape them.
God knew what diseases the guy had. That wasn’t something he’d push now, but it needed to happen by tomorrow.
They couldn’t leave it any longer than that.
“I can hear your brain from here,” Kieran mumbled into his chest. “You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”
“Define stupid?”
“Please don’t do anything that could get you hurt. I’m not going back to the shop. I’ll just get another job.”
Derek wanted to protest. Why the fuck should he leave his job? If the guy wasn’t going to prison, he needed to be put in hospital. Maybe he could make a call. He’d come across some unsavoury characters before, and he was owed a few favours.
“Can I get you anything?” asked Derek.
“Just stay still. You’re very comfy.”
Derek chuckled. At least Kieran could still make a joke, and Derek had no problem with holding him in his arms for as long as needed.
Kieran had fallen asleep on the sofa and then gone for another shower.
Derek made some chicken sandwiches for them.
It was difficult for him not to rush in and try to fix everything, but how could he even fix this?
Going after Carl would change nothing and only make Derek feel better for a few seconds.
“Kieran, can I ask you something?” he asked, passing him his plate.
He looked apprehensive but nodded.
“Are you on PrEP?”
Kieran looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. He looked back at Derek, and this time his eyes were cold. What had happened?
“It’s a bit late for PrEP.”
“When?” asked Derek, his voice cracking.
“Ten years ago.”
It felt like a gut punch as the guilt hit him. He had so many questions, but it was for Kieran to share.
“I’m undetectable, so nothing would have passed on to him.”
“I don’t give a fuck about him. Kieran, I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“Do you know . . .” He trailed off, not sure it was right to ask that question.
“When I got to London with less than a hundred quid, I went to a homeless shelter. The guy who ran it took a shine to me. That was my payment to stay for three months.”
“What the fuck? Who is this guy?”
“He’s long dead.”
“What? How?”
“I think he had his own shit he was dealing with. Someone at the shelter I stayed in touch with told me he’d hung himself about five years ago.”
There was no emotion in Kieran’s voice as he told the story, as if it were nothing. It wasn’t like what had happened with Carl when the emotions were still raw. This trauma was locked down tight.
“The way I see it is that he didn’t force me. I was attracted to him. When he asked if we could stop using condoms, I could have said no. Maybe he didn’t even know he had it. I don’t know. It’s not something I ever asked him. But I’m not blameless in this. I made a mistake, and that was the price.”
“Is that why you dropped out of med school?”
“In a way. It wouldn’t have been an issue for me to still practice medicine. There were some limitations, but it had nothing to do with that. I flunked the first year because I got my diagnosis. Hassan said I should put extenuating circumstances in, but I didn’t want people to know and judge me.”
Derek wanted to hug him again, but his tone was still cold. If only he’d tried to find him, this might not have happened.
“I don’t regret not being a doctor. It was what my mum wanted, not me. I’m happy doing what I do. I just hope I can get another job.”
“Man of your talents? No problem.”
“You don’t know how many times I’ve either been sacked or told bosses to shove things up their arse.”
Derek snorted. He could well imagine bratty Kieran telling someone their fortune if he didn’t agree with what they said.
“I still think we should go to the clinic,” said Derek. “Just to be safe. There’s other stuff.”
“It’s okay. Hassan can do all that for me when he gets home tomorrow.”
“I thought he was an A&E doctor?”
“Yeah, but he can take my blood and drop it off at the clinic. I don’t like anyone else doing it. He does it for my checkups every six months. We made an agreement with the clinic I use.”
“Kieran, I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. At least you know now why I’m only good for guys to fuck. I mean, who’s going to want anything more with me? I’m going to lie down.”
He got up before Derek could say anything.
Things clicked into place. The self-loathing Kieran carried with him.
He thought no one would ever love him in the way everyone deserves.
It broke Derek’s heart, but he needed to stay strong for Kieran.
It was only when he’d heard the bedroom door close and let a few minutes pass that he allowed his own tears to fall.