Chapter 23 Rose
Being back in Wes’s car after what just happened feels cozy and safe.
What was Joe’s problem?
My heart is racing and I glance up, hoping that Wes will come out soon. Focusing on what’s in front of me, I look around his car. His car has that lived in feel—not too messy, but not so clean that you’re worried you’ll ruin it. Comfortable. It smells like him too. Woodsy, with a slight citrus. Probably his soap. God, I’m in too deep.
What was he asking me before Joe went ballistic? I think he was asking me back to the park where he’s camping while on call tonight. That sounds nice. And while the apprehension starts to rise as a pit in my stomach, after our dinner tonight, I’m able to talk it down. A night out under the stars with Wes sounds like just what I need. And I haven’t had a panic attack since the momentary lapse on the way here, so I think it should be okay.
“Well that could have gone a little better,” Wes says as he climbs into the car. “I’m sorry about that. Are you doing okay? I don’t know him well, but I’ve never seen him do anything like that.” Wes runs his hands through his hair and down his shirt, his hands shaking slightly from what just went down. I reach over and give his hand a squeeze.
“Like I said before, we dated. I ended things with him because I caught him kissing another woman while we were on a group trip to Duluth. He was drunk, but that’s not okay with me. I always thought he had some sort of anger problem, but even then he never acted like that .” Wes and I lock eyes and I feel that same spark pass between us. His eyes are warm and it’s all I can do to pull my hand away and look down.
“I’m so sorry you went through that, Rose. He’s crazy to have let you get away.” The ironic statement isn’t lost on me, but I appreciate it just the same. Wes rubs his thumb in small circles around my wrist and it’s driving me mad.
“Thanks, it wasn’t too long ago but I wasn’t too invested. I’m not sure why he’s acting like this now, though. Anyway, I’m sorry it ruined the night.”
“It didn’t ruin the night at all. Did you think about what I asked? Would you like to come back to the park with me? I can drive you home now too, I just thought it would be nice to have a fire and I could make us some dessert before taking you home?” he asks, eyes wide and waiting.
“That would be great,” I say, a little too quickly. My boldness has been surprising, even me. His eyebrows raise—he’s also surprised at my response—but Wes gives me one of his million dollar smiles I love so much and my heart is racing again. He turns the car over and we’re on our way, through the late afternoon sun’s glow, with the shadows of the trees dancing on the car as we drive.
Before the weight of my decision gets to me, we’ve arrive at his site. “What do you think?” Wes asks. A grin slowly spreads across his face, “It’s my favorite site in the whole park. Come here, I’ll show you why.” He undoes his seat belt and we both slide out of the car. As he grabs my hand, my heart skips a beat at the sudden touch and he drops it as quickly. Leading me to a fenced overlook with a bench, we sit down. “It’s all about that view . . .”
“It’s beautiful,” I say as we sit down on the rough, worn wood. We can see the entire shoreline on this side of the park from here, as well as the lake below, and all the way out to the horizon, with trees and cliffs on either side. It’s truly one of the best views I’ve seen, even after living here forever.
“You just wait until the sun sets completely,” he says slyly as he drapes an arm behind me on the bench. I can’t help it as my body naturally moves in and leans towards him. His lips draw my gaze and I tear my eyes back to his. I smile up at him, gazing through my lashes. Being friends is feeling even more confusing now. Maybe I’m doing better, and I’m getting used to navigating the memories again?
“It’s a great spot. I love it.” Suddenly I have a surge of anxiety and feel awkward so close to him. I sit back abruptly. “Is there anything else you need to set up for the night?” Breathe in and out. In and out. Looking out at the waves, I time my breaths with them to help slow my mind back down. I guess I'm not quite used to it yet.
“Oh, sure.” He looks down and expertly untangles himself from the bench and me. “I’ll start unpacking.” As he moves towards the car, I breathe deeply again. Why is this happening now? What are you doing Rose?
I desperately need to figure that out, and fast.
Wes makes us a delicious dessert over the campfire, complete with fire-baked apple pies and some ice cream he grabbed from a cooler in his car. We sit down next to each other by the fire after everything is cleaned up and start to talk. This feels so comfortable and natural. It feels good. I feel good. The fire crackles and shoots sparks into the sky. Fireflies dance around us and mosquitos start to come out.
Wes starts to put another log on and I’m temporarily distracted again by the way the muscles in his arms move as he grabs and moves the logs. I blink, trying to avert my gaze to the fire, but then decide better of it and just take him in. He is truly handsome. I’d forgotten how much I loved the way he moved and just his way of being—so at home in himself, despite everything he’s been through.
“Thank you so much for dessert, it was great. And the site is gorgeous. Have you been able to get out here now that you’re back? Or was it something you did growing up, before moving?” I wince. I know we haven’t completely successfully talked through the move yet, but I know that he came here when he was younger. Come on, Rose.
“Yeah, both. My family did this when I was younger mostly. Haven’t been back since I moved and was finishing school and training. But I’d love to do it more once I’m in a routine.”
“Sorry, I forgot. You don’t have to keep talking about it if you don’t want to. I didn’t mean to bring it up.” I look down, playing with some rocks absentmindedly.
“No, it’s okay. I honestly don’t mind talking about the past with you and we need to. Maybe it would help you, too? I thought it would be hard for me, but you were part of it and for me, it feels okay to talk about.” He smiles. The firelight dances in the reflection of his eyes and I have the sudden, undeniable urge to kiss him again . . .
I nod towards him. “It’s okay, we can talk about it. You’re right, it might help.”
“Back then, things were good with my parents until suddenly they weren’t. Or maybe I was just oblivious, I don’t know.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “One day I came home from school and they told me we were moving to the cities and that they were no longer together. No explanation. That was it. We were gone a couple of days later. That was when we were fighting and not talking.”
“That must have been so hard.” I edge my chair slightly closer to him, leaning into his arm.
“It was. I felt really alone after we moved and things were so messed up with us. Starting high school is hard enough without being somewhere completely new. I went through some really tough times, emotionally. The first year especially was really, really hard—I didn’t talk with anyone. Ultimately, I randomly started talking with Erick online and he got me through. He was always open to talking, even if it was just about Halo, or trying to get hints about what you were up to without actually asking him what you were up to.” He winks at me, then turns serious.
“That sounds really hard and lonely. And I know with our fight—I don’t even remember what it was about, honestly—things were confusing, and I can see how that would leave you feeling like you couldn’t reach out,” I say softly. I didn’t reach out either during that time and was going through emotional stuff too.
“I don’t remember either. Was it about a dance?” He looks up like he’s trying desperately to remember. “I’ve thought about it so much over the years, but the exact thing just escapes me.” Shrugging his shoulders, he continues, “When I heard about your dad, I was a wreck and didn’t know what to say or do. After not talking to you, the fight, the move, I thought things would be better if I gave you space. But I see now that I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
“After you left and after my dad, I also went into this hole of depression and struggled a lot with anxiety, like we’ve talked about. I still do, but it has been more under control. You’ve seen it a few times. I’ve been doing well, but all this talk about the past has really brought up things with my dad again . . .” My voice trails off and I whisper, “I missed you.”
He gives me a knowing smile and scoots himself right next to me. He reaches over and squeezes my hand and I feel a sudden sense of calm and peace.
I lean onto his shoulder and he kisses the side of my head. It’s like we’ve been at this forever. “I am really sorry, Rose. Truly. I’m not sure how to fix what happened, or how to navigate what it’s bringing up for you. I was stupid and fifteen and depressed, but I should have fought through those things more to fight for you. Fight for us.” A small tear drops down his cheek and I reach up to brush it away.
After all this time, waiting to talk about things, expecting so much to be said and feeling so angry, this isn’t what I expected. I can understand feeling alone and depressed as a teenager, and totally get that it feels impossible to talk with anyone. I felt that way too. My heart softens towards him and I look up into his eyes, wondering what could be next for us.
“Thank you for talking with me about it, Wes.” Angling my head up, I give him a small peck on the cheek. “It hurts that you didn’t reach out, but I feel like I understand now what was going on for you, and why you didn’t. I’m not sure what to do about what is happening with my anxiety, but I’d like to work through it and get to know you more . . . again.”
He turns, gathering me up into an intense, strong hug—running his hand down the side of my cheek, ever so softly, and into my hair, making my heart start to race. All that emotion and everything that had built up over the years starts to melt away and I feel lighter than I have in forever.
Pulling away, Wes turns and hands me a beer, then grabs his own, wiping away more tears from his eyes.
“I feel like we should toast. I know that it’s cheesy, but tonight feels like a toasting kind of night . . .” He stands up and looks so goofy I can’t help but laugh. But I love it all the same.
I raise my beer. “Okay, Mr. Flannel, what are we toasting? A beautiful night? The cozy fire? Exes who come back into your life?”
“I’d like to toast you.” He’s very serious and I’m not sure where this is going. “Even when we weren’t talking, you were a light for me all those years, and it’s clear you continue to light up the lives of everyone around you. I could see it on the first day I was in your shop. It’s an amazing place for this town and I hope you know that even when you feel unsure or worried about the next step, I will always be here if you want me to be.” He pauses before adding, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, Rose. Inside and out.”
I’m silent for a moment before saying, “I think that special light that day in the shop was Courtney’s bleached hair, shining in the sun.” He laughs. “But truly, Wes, thank you. That’s probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
Before I’ve even finished my sentence, he walks towards me. Suddenly I’m throwing myself into his arms and kissing him in the moonlight as fireflies dance around us and the waves crash below.