Chapter 33 Rose
We pulled into the parking lot only a couple of minutes ago and I know I should be running to Wes’ room, but it’s as if my legs have just forgotten how to work. I can’t move and am losing it. Totally frozen, my breathing is doing that weird thing again. Lucy has me with my head between my legs, rubbing my back. I can hear the other girls outside the car whispering. I know they don’t know what to do.
Hell, I don’t know what to do.
The air feels cold with the car off and I can’t help thinking of what Wes is doing right now. I hope he can’t see me here in the car from his room, that would be awful. I glance up to see if I can see any windows that look like they’re patient rooms and can’t. Sitting up, I try to open the car door, but see stars all over again and have to sit right back down.
“I don’t know what to do,” I cry out. Tears are running freely down my cheeks and my voice sounds strange, all strangled and muffled. All the girls are looking at me again. Erick had called them before Lucy could and they’ve been waiting here for us to arrive for an hour. Chloe’s eyes even look a bit frightened, darting back and forth between me and the hospital.
“I’m going to go see if we can get some help,” she calls to the others. Her heels clink on the sidewalk as she walks away. She’s always so put together. I try to concentrate on my breathing, but it only gets worse with each attempted inhale. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Why can’t I breathe?
After what feels like an eternity, I hear Chloe’s shoes on the concrete as she moves back to the car. She’s followed closely by a nurse who has an oxygen mask— oh god, this is so embarrassing— which makes me cry even more. He quickly hooks me up with a mask and another nurse offers an arm, but it’s no use, my body won’t budge. They’re asking me questions, but I can’t seem to respond. I’m just silent and everything feels heavy. I slump down into the seat and close my eyes, trying to block out the world.
The tears and haggard breathing eventually lessen with the oxygen. Although my body still tightens and twists, angry about the whole situation.
A few hours later, my eyes flutter open to a bright light and all of my friends huddled around me—staring at me and whispering. Erick is here as well. That’s strange, shouldn’t he be with Wes?
“Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?” Kate brushes my hand and I try to sit up slowly. “Careful now, we’ve got a lot of blankets on you.” She gently untangles me and I’m fully upright before noticing I still have an oxygen mask on.
“Am I back to normal now?” I blink slowly, feeling woozy from everything that’s happened. “What did they give me?”
“Just oxygen. They stayed and talked you through some ways to slow your breathing, and it took a while, but you were able to do it. They said you were likely having a panic attack. After we got you back to my place you just fell right to sleep.” Everyone blinks at me with big eyes. I feel a bit like a fish in a bowl at the moment with everyone staring at me, noticing for the first time that we’re in Kate’s living room, and I’m curled up on her couch.
“Can I go home? Do I have to stay here?” My eyes begin to fill with tears again. “No, not again. Why won’t this stop?” A sob escapes my throat and before I know it, everyone is hugging me. Even Erick.
We all stay like this for what feels like ten minutes. Me sobbing, and everyone else just trying to hold me up. Erick speaks first, everyone kindly ignoring that I’m still a bumbling mess. “Wes is okay, Rose. He had some scans done and will need some time to recover, but they say he’s going to be okay.”
Erick is blurry but I can smell the woodsy, working smell on him and it feels comforting. He’s always been the one to hold us together when things feel like they’re going to fall apart. “I’m glad you were there,” I whisper.
“We’re here for you honey, anything you need,” Chloe adds.
“Thank you. Right now I just need some time. I don’t think I can go back to the hospital though.” At this admission, a fresh round of tears start. “I feel so bad, but I just can’t.”
The group shares a look and reluctantly all agree that it’s for the best that I don’t try to go into the hospital.
“Maybe you can text or call Wes to let him know you’re okay? He was really worried when we hadn’t heard from you earlier today,” Erick adds. I know he’s right.
Slowly, and with some more help from the group, I get my breathing and tears under control. Together, they decide I can go home after being panic free for an hour, but that Chloe will be staying with me for the next few days. How am I ever going to explain this to Wes?
He needed me to be strong for him—to show up—and I couldn’t even do that.