Chapter 23
SUMMER
This is a horrible idea. Continuing whatever form of a relationship this is, can’t lead anywhere good.
But if I’m being completely honest with myself, I’ve wanted Asher since I ran into him outside his classroom.
I’ve wanted more than just stolen kisses and dark corners since the elevator, when I realized that I’d never be able to get enough.
Maybe it’ll all be worth it. Maybe no one will find out, and everything will be fine. We can keep it a secret until I graduate from the program, and then it won’t matter who knows we’re together… we’ll just keep the when of it under wraps.
I’m wrapped in Asher’s soft sheets, the material warm against my bare skin.
I can feel sleep tugging at me, begging me to succumb to its tempting embrace. But I’ve never gotten to be so casual with Asher. To see him in his most comfortable state.
“So did you really drive across the state just because of a bad date?” he asks, tracing shapes across my bare back.
I sigh. “My mother has this weird thing, where she’s worried if I don’t settle down and have kids soon, I’ll miss out on the opportunity.”
“Seems a bit premature considering you’re twenty-eight.”
“My mom prioritized her career over dating when she was my age. Then, when she finally met my dad and got swept off her feet, they struggled with having kids. My mother’s not ancient or anything, but I think after having multiple miscarriages and then me being born prematurely…
I think she’s under the impression that had she been younger, it wouldn’t have been an issue. ”
“And she doesn’t want that possibility for you.”
I nod. “No.” I let out a sad laugh. “She thinks with every year that passes that my chances of having kids get smaller and smaller.”
“Do you want kids?” he asks curiously.
I bite my lower lip. “Honestly? I don’t know.
I go back and forth on it. Sometimes I see cute kids in the grocery store, and they’re giggling and smiling, and I want that.
Other times I think about all the time I have to commit to this program, and I worry about the time my job will take from me and wonder if that’s fair to put on a kid. ”
He hums in agreement. “I understand. This career, whether you teach it or practice it… takes up a lot of your time.”
“I think this field of study has also… made me almost scared to have kids?” I say, but it sounds more like a question.
“I think it’s so easy to want kids, but raising them without hurting them in some way seems impossible sometimes.
Like not being home enough so you don’t have a relationship with them,” I finish, bringing it back around to the demanding hours of being a psychologist.
He nods. “Some careers really highlight the horrors of the world.” Another comforting trace along my spine makes me shiver. “It’s okay to want to help kids and not have any of your own,” he adds softly.
“Do you want kids?” I ask after a beat of comfortable silence.
He shrugs. “Since my sister had my niece, I’ve considered it. But I’ve never felt a strong pull to be a father. I’m open to the idea of it, but it’s not something I think I need to have a fulfilling life.”
It’s refreshing to speak with someone who isn’t appalled that I may not want kids. As a woman who’s nearing thirty, it feels like just about everyone is waiting for you to settle down and have kids, otherwise you’re labeled a spinster.
My mind drifts to thoughts of my mother. She places her own regrets on me and assumes I’ll make the same ‘mistakes’ that she did.
Asher’s fingers trace along my spine, from the base of my neck to the top of my tailbone, making me tremble.
“I like that you react to my touch,” he murmurs as he peers at me through hooded eyes.
“I like the way you touch me,” I respond quietly.
When was the last time I felt like this?
Have I ever felt like this? I don’t think I have.
Despite the situation we’ve found ourselves in and the possible consequences, everything with Asher feels so easy.
As easy as breathing. Almost like it’s meant to be, like there’s no universe where we don’t end up together.
“What are you thinking about?” he whispers, a small smile creeping across his lips.
“Mm, just you,” I hum.
“What about me?” he asks, his grin getting wider and cockier.
“Just how handsome you are,” I say in a singsong as I flick his nose.
His eyes brighten, and he pulls me closer by my waist. “Is that so?”
I run my hands through his hair, mussing the dark espresso-colored strands.
My hands drift lower, across sharp cheekbones covered by tanned skin, under his dark green eyes, the color of freshly cut grass.
Lower still, my hand traces perfect pink lips, the bottom just a bit fuller than the top, and a strong, prominent jaw.
He’s the most perfect man I’ve ever laid my eyes on.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he murmurs, as his eyes dart over my features, just as mine have been doing to him. I feel a blush heat my cheeks. “Have you always been this beautiful?”
I shrug with a small laugh. “How am I supposed to respond to that?”
He rolls us so that he’s on top of me. “It doesn’t matter; I know you’ve always been this beautiful.”
I roll my eyes, which earns me a playful nip to the sensitive skin of my neck. “What about you?” I ask. “Have you always been this handsome?”
He nods. “Pretty much.” A cocky grin breaks out across his face, and he laughs as I lightly shove his shoulder.
“Unbelievable,” I scoff.
He leans in and kisses the joke from my lips. I wrap my arms around his neck and arch into him as I feel him harden against me.
Nights like these are something I can get used to.
I’m pulling out my phone to text Asher if he wants to have dinner with me when I hear someone call my name. I hastily shove my phone into my bag before looking over my shoulder, where I see Matt jogging to catch up to me in the hallway.
“Hey,” I say with a polite smile as he slows beside me.
“Did you check our midterm grades?” he asks.
I nod. “Sure did, a ninety isn’t half bad.”
He shakes his head and lets out what sounds like an exasperated laugh.
“I’d heard that guy was a hard ass, but I swear, I haven’t received a hundred on a single assignment.
” He runs a hand through his blonde hair.
“I wonder if anyone in class has gotten a perfect score on anything,” he says, thinking out loud.
I have, and so has Sam, but I’m not about to bring that up just to make him feel inadequate.
Realistically, Asher is a hard ass. He’s probably one of the most intense professors I’ve had in grad school, but it’s possible to impress him and receive a grade that shows how much time and effort you put into your assignments.
Then again, maybe I’m just biased.
I shrug and make some sort of noncommittal noise. “Maybe the final will be easier.” I know it won’t, but I don’t have any other response.
He snorts. “Doubt it.” An awkward half laugh escapes my lips, but I don’t say anything else.
I push open the door that leads outside, and he continues walking beside me.
I’m not sure where his car is, but I’m assuming he caught up to me for a reason.
Matt clears his throat. “So,” he starts, and the nervousness in his voice makes my stomach lurch.
Whatever he’s about to say can’t be good.
“I just wanted to check in with you since it’s after Thanksgiving break. ”
He rubs the back of his neck as I give him a dumbfounded look. “Sorry.” I blink. “What are we checking in about?”
His cheeks flush pink, but he manages to chuckle. “I should’ve been more specific.” He comes to a sudden stop, and I feel the need to pause beside him so I’m not rude. “We’d talked about going out on a date once we’d finished our midterm project.”
His smile is so sweet and so sincere—it makes me feel nauseous. I can feel my face blanch at his hopeful gaze. I clench my eyes shut and rattle my brain for any sort of response that won’t come across like I’m simply blowing him off.
I genuinely intended to go out with him after we finished our project.
I wasn’t initially attracted to him as I had been to Asher, but Matt has always been so nice to me, and since we’re going to grad school for the same thing, we have a lot in common.
I could’ve grown to like him as more than a friend, I’m sure of it.
His grin falls as he takes in my reaction.
I take a deep breath, bracing myself. “I’m sorry, Matt,” I start.
“I really meant it when I said that we could go out after we finished our project, but… I met someone. Over break,” I manage to spit out.
“My mother likes to take any opportunity to set me up, and she had someone waiting at our house for Thanksgiving dinner,” I add, and technically that’s not a lie.
“Oh,” he says, and I can see how uncomfortable he feels. There’s a downward pull in his mouth that shows his disappointment and that he’s not quite sure how to respond.
“I don’t usually think about dating,” I keep talking, trying to soften the blow, but somehow, I feel like I’m making it worse.
“So, I really didn’t expect to connect with anyone between when you originally asked me and when we finished our project.
I never would’ve offered to go out with you if I had thought that would be a possibility. ”
Okay, that feels like a lie. Asher had been in my life at that point, and we had already had a few moments. Did I think we’d ever actually get together? No. But this conversation with Matt has left me feeling like shit, and I don’t know what else to say.
“It’s all good.” He waves off my rambling.
“We didn’t have a sure thing going or anything.
I just wanted to check in because I was looking forward to it, but it’s not a big deal.
Really.” He’s lying, just like I was. I can see it in the furrow of his eyebrows, his pursed lips, and the dullness in his blue eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I say, at a loss for what else to say.
“Nothing to be sorry for,” he responds, giving me a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes. “He’s a lucky man.” Though his tone sounds annoyed, showing that he definitely doesn’t mean what he’s saying.
“Thanks,” I mumble, looking for some way to end this conversation as fast as possible.
He starts to back away, making it easy for me. “Well,” he adds, his features smoothing out into something more light-hearted. “If he fucks it up, I’ll take a rain check on that date.”
I let out a surprised laugh, relieved that everything is going to be alright between us. Matt’s a great guy, but he’s just not Asher.
“Goodbye, Matt.”