20. Annalise
20
ANNALISE
M aksen was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, gripping it tighter with his hands as I cleaned his wounds with the antiseptic solution Lydia gave to me when we arrived. I knew it hurt him, but I had to do this. Otherwise, his wounds were not going to heal soon.
I was still in shock from the moment he took his pants off and I saw all the marks he had on his thighs. That wasn’t the first time he cut himself, and considering how many scars and stitches he had, he had done it multiple times in the past. However, he wasn’t going to do it anymore because I was a part of his life now.
“Promise me something, Maksen,” I said and raised my glance at him.
He looked at me attentively, then shrugged and nodded.
“Promise me you’ll never cut yourself again.”
“I can’t promise you that.”
His answer came out briefly, like a mountain that could never be moved from its place.
I pinned him with my eyes and sighed deeply, continuing to clean his wound. How could I convince him to find another way to cope with his feelings?
“How about you buy a punching bag and hit it until you fall on the ground?”
My idea caught his attention, and he gave me a comforting smile.
“I tried it already. Doesn’t work,” he replied and shuddered when I brushed the gauze over his open cut.
“We have to find something else to help you cope with your feelings, Maksen.”
“My mind has already found it. I forgot my childhood and I still don’t remember anything from it, and I love to cut myself in order to have a balance between how I’m feeling from the inside to the outside,” he explained, pinning me with his eyes.
I glanced up at him and saw a glistening of desire in his eyes, like he was ready to bring me up from my knees and kiss me like he had never done it before.
I saw it on his face. The need for closure that I also felt. I let my gaze fall back on his wound and after I saw that there was no more blood around it, I took the roll of bandage and started to wrap his leg with it.
I was doing everything so slowly and with so much attention that I surprised myself. I didn’t know I was good at doing this kind of thing.
“You’re done now,” I said as I stood up and put the bandage roll on the edge of the sink.
“Thank you.”
The moment I tried to step away from him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me between his legs, pressing his body onto mine.
I instinctively put my hands on his shoulders, and when I opened my mouth to say something, he closed it with his lips in a soft and delicate kiss. I enjoyed each time our lips touched, and the way my stomach was tightening with emotion made me realize that I did feel something for Maksen.
He put his hands on each side of my waist and started to caress my lower back while he kept kissing me. Our lips were moving in sync, and the way he was kissing me made me go dizzy.
As I enjoyed our closeness, somewhere deep inside my mind I thought about how I managed to accept the physical proximity to Maksen so easily, as if he erased everything and replaced it with himself.
“Thank you, again,” he whispered over my lips and offered me another kiss, this time shorter.
“This is going to be my favorite way of yours to say thank you,” I replied, quickly realizing what I just said.
But it was too late, because Maksen’s grin made me realize that I couldn’t take back any words that came out of my mouth. I didn’t know what made me say something like that, but I really felt how strong the connection between us had become.
I was always drawn to him, but now I felt like I didn’t want to do anything but to be around him.
“We should go downstairs. Maybe Lydia is asking herself what’s happening.”
“Oh, right,” I quickly replied and stepped back from him.
I turned my back to let him pull his pants on even though I saw him in his boxers while I cleaned his wound.
I felt my cheeks heating up as I was waiting, and the moment he got behind me, I knew I had to open the door and just walk out.
I could feel his breathing hitting the back of my neck, and the warmth of his body was enfolding me entirely. However, once we stepped down the first stair and I heard Lydia calling us, I knew I had to forget about any feeling that was wandering in my body and focus on what I had to do.
“We’re coming!” I yelled back as we reached the hallway.
The sound of her steps welcomed us once we got to the living room, and she stopped in front of me, not knowing if she could hug me or not.
I sighed and pulled her to me, wrapping my hands around her. It still felt like I was hugging my mother, but I had to remind myself that she had been lying to me too.
“I need to talk to you,” I said, moving away from her and sitting on the couch.
She nodded and then sat on the armchair in front of me. Maksen sat beside me and I saw how cautious he was with his leg when he came closer.
Lydia looked at me as if she was waiting for me to tell her that I forgave her and that we could return to the past, where everything was good and no painful truth was spoken.
“Before you say anything, I wanted to tell you that your father has been searching for you here too, and he’s very angry and alarmed about you,” she started talking and I felt a lump coming in my neck.
“He should be anything but angry. The only one who can be angry in this situation is me,” I briefly replied, feeling how the blood was starting to boil in my veins.
I didn’t even want to hear how my father was feeling. The only people I cared about now were me and Maksen.
“You haven’t told him that you talked with me, right?”
“Not even a word. He didn’t suspect anything, which gives you more time to think about what you’ll do next,” she replied, sure of herself.
“Firstly, I want to ask you why haven’t you told me the truth?”
She sighed, and her lips pressed into a straight line. She started playing with her fingers, and then I noticed she started chewing her lower lip.
“It wasn’t my duty to tell you the truth, Annalise. Your father made me promise to him that I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that you’re adopted.”
Each word that came out of her mouth was like a knife ready to stab my heart and cut it in half.
“Did Katya know I was adopted?”
“No,” she quickly replied. “She actually called me and she seemed really worried for you. She wants to talk to you.”
This might be the first and only time Katya is the only one I’m not angry at — oh, wait, I just remembered all the years that she mocked me and took me as a fool. Still, that only proves that her and Maksen were the only two people that were genuinely themselves around me.
“Good. Do you know anything about my real parents?”
Lydia waited a few moments until she spoke again. “As far as I know, they were addicts, living on the streets, and you were lucky enough for a social worker to take you when you were born. That’s all we know about them. I don’t know if they’re dead, or if they still live, but it would be impossible to find them.”
I felt my heart aching hearing what she said.
I couldn’t believe that my parents were addicts, but if that’s true, then I should’ve thanked Lukyan for adopting me because God knew who I would’ve become if my real parents had raised me.
Maybe I reacted too harshly when I found out, but it came to me as a shock and it felt like the ground under my feet was disappearing. I had to thank him for giving me a chance at a normal life, and even though I didn’t have enough freedom, I still lived in a beautiful home, had food to eat, and had enough money to buy myself everything I wanted.
And that might not happen if I were to be left to my real parents.
But was it worse to have addicts as parents or real killers?
“Anna? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m more than okay,” I quickly replied and felt Maksen’s hand on my thigh. “Lydia, I want to ask you for a favor,” I added, eyeing her attentively.
“Anything.”
“I want to talk to Sylvian.”
The moment she heard my demand, she gulped and became as petrified as a statue. She looked at me deeply in my eyes and I almost saw a glistening of tears in her irises.
“Y-You can’t talk to him, Anna. Your father would kill me if he’d found out I helped you see Sylvian,” she whispered, trying hard not to look me in the eyes.
“You should worry that I’ll kill you if you don’t help us,” said Maksen.
Lydia eyed him, sighing deep. She stood up from the armchair and fixed the long dress she was wearing, then she walked by us, heading towards the hallway. I turned to Maksen and noticed how relaxed he was after he just threatened Lydia.
Another perk of being an assassin.
“Do you think she’ll help us?”
“She doesn’t have any other choice.”
He started caressing my thigh with his fingers as we waited for Lydia’s return.
The house was drowned in a deadly silence, and the only thing I could hear was my heart beating in my chest. Now that I found out who my real parents were, I felt a little better, but somehow, I kept asking myself if it was true what Lydia told me.
Were my parents really addicts or was it another lie they were going to use in order to make me believe they were good?
I opened my mouth to tell something to Maksen, but that was the moment Lydia came back with a phone and a little paper card between her fingers. I sat more comfortably on the couch, then I looked at her and narrowed my eyes when I saw her sitting on the armchair.
“Are you sure you want to do it?”
“Yes.”
She glanced at me again, and then she started typing something on the phone, looking at the card from time to time. We were patiently waiting for her to say something, and I noticed that Maksen became tenser with every second passing by. I felt the urge to put my hand on his and play with his fingers, but I didn’t. I continued to sit there quietly, waiting for Lydia to finish whatever she was doing.
“I submitted the visit request to the sanatorium where he’s hospitalized, but I can give you the answer in a few hours because it takes a little bit of time until the management approves it.”
“Thank you.”
We remained silent, not looking at each other.
I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to see the man who traumatized my entire existence. Somehow, I was scared of the moment I’d have him in my face, but on the other hand, I was ready for it because I wanted to talk to him and ask him all the questions that were going through my mind.
We just had to wait for the answer, and the waiting was painful.
I got out of the shower, and I didn’t realize I still had a slight smile showing on my face because we just found out that our sanatorium visit inquiry had been accepted and we were going to see Sylvian.
However, I was even more nervous now that it turned into reality, and the fact that Maksen was coming with me made me even more anxious about it.
I knew him, and I also knew how unstoppable he was if he really wanted something, but we’d come to the agreement that he will watch me through the window glass and if something happens, then he’d intervene.
I stopped in the front of the mirror, gripping the edge of the sink between my fingers as I glanced at my reflection. The last few days left their mark on me, as the dark circles around my eyes became more visible, and my face caught a pallor that I’d never had in my life. Somehow, the long bath I just took made me look slightly better.
I dried my hair, then I tried to make some curls with the rotating brush Lydia had in the cabinet under the sink. After I put on the pajamas she gave me, I inhaled deeply and got out of the bathroom, where I met Maksen’s eyes.
“Sorry for staying in so long,” I said as I led my feet closer to the bed.
He smiled at me, then grabbed the blanket and gently pulled it aside so I could snuggle under it.
“You deserved some time alone with yourself as well as I needed it,” he quickly replied and turned his head to me as I threw myself on the bed.
He covered my legs with the blanket and I felt being taken care of, just as I felt every time I was with him.
We glanced at each other and I felt the urge to move closer to him and place a kiss on his beautiful gleaming lips, but I didn’t. I was content with just looking at them and thinking how good they felt every time he kissed me.
I tilted my head, thinking if I should’ve told him what I wanted. I thought about it while I was in the shower, and I realized we hadn’t talked about what we’d found at the cabin. He just chose to harm himself and not say a word about it, so I wanted to hear what he had in his mind.
“Maksen, we haven’t talked about it, you know?” I quickly said and sat up to look him directly in his eyes.
“About what?”
Here we go.
“About Sylvian and that he might’ve done something to you too.”
His eyes locked on me and I couldn’t say that it wasn’t visible how irritated he instantly got after he heard what I said.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I found out he was the man from my nightmares and that’s all,” he briefly replied and his jaw clenched with anger.
I knew he wasn’t angry with me but with the situation. No one reacted the same when they faced trauma, and Maksen chose to react with anger and denial, and I could totally understand that.
“Don’t you wonder what happened? What he did to you?”
“Not even a bit. What I don’t know cannot ever hurt me, and believe me, I’ve been hurt enough,” he explained and took his eyes off of me. “I don’t need any more reasons to get even more hurt.”
“I see,” I said and moved closer to him, resting my head on his chest.
If his body was drowning in anger, then when I put my hand on his chest, I felt how he completely relaxed. He exhaled deeply and put his arm around me, hugging me tightly.
“Your fear of being kept somewhere locked comes from something, and I think it’s connected to something Sylvian did to you.”
He remained silent as he started caressing my arm. I knew it was going to be hard to make him want to talk about it, but at least I tried. I proved to myself that I needed more than simple questions to make him truly open up.
I put my hand around his body and with a slight movement, I hugged his legs with mine, sitting now in the most comfortable position I’ve ever been in.
“Maybe you’re right, Anna, but I don’t want to know,” he said with a lower tone of voice, placing a kiss on my forehead. “If I ever remember it, then I’ll see how to handle it, but I don’t want to put pressure on me now. If I have to remember it, then my mind will do it when it’s ready.”
I nodded, playing with my fingers on his chest. He gave me another kiss on my forehead.
He was in denial, and I was in acceptance. There was a fine line between the two, and I was going to make him go over it.