CHAPTER TEN
JASE
S itting on the edge of my desk, I look again at the messages from Nikko that just came in. One telling me he has time to talk this afternoon if I’m available (for him, of course) and another asking if he remembers the city that I live in correctly (he does).
I don’t have nearly enough time to contemplate what either of these things might mean before there’s a group of the library crew kids walking through my office door, sniffing around for food.
“Hey Mr. K, I’ve got some new playlists; you want to see?” Quinn inquires without really giving me time to answer as she holds up her phone, so I can see the titles.
After a quick glance I let her know that “ general but very specific angst ” is my favorite, followed closely by “ worst year of your life, director’s cut. ” She nods as though that was to be expected, then quickly hurries off to sit with Alyx, who found the bag of cheese puffs I’d added to the Emergency Snack Supplies Stash earlier.
I turn my attention back to Nikko’s texts and wonder if this is a thing we do now. Can I send him a “good morning” message just because I was thinking of him when I woke up? Would “sweet dreams” be weird when I get into bed at night and he’s still on my mind? I’m old school enough that I still prefer talking to texting—much to the chagrin of nearly everyone I know—but I think it might be kind of fun to have another way to communicate with Nikko on the regular.
Looking out over the library, I notice that Jenny, Rae, and Lizzie have gathered around the table with Alyx and Quinn, giggling as they scarf down the cheese puffs and document their mid-morning nosh with a few orange-fingered selfies. It occurs to me that I could share more of myself with Nikko this way, too—let him in on some of what my days look like when we’re not talking. I take a picture of my office and go behind the circulation desk to get a shot of the whole of the library, careful not to include any of the students or Brenda.
“You better have gotten my good side.”
I’m surprised by her comment, having assumed she was ignoring me like she usually does. I give her the sweetest smile I can manage. “All your sides are good.”
She snorts with derision and goes back to stamping the stack of books piled up across her desk as I retreat to the safety of my office.
Typing out a reply, I tell Nikko I’ll let him know when I’m home to see if he’s free and confirm my location. After a moment of debate, I also send the pictures with the caption “currently” because I cannot think of a single clever thing to say. I almost immediately regret the decision, thinking I should have waited until I could come up with something quippy or clever to say.
But before I can set my phone down and walk back out, I’ve got a ping and I just know it’s him.
“Your library! I have always wondered what it looks like. Thank you for showing me.”
He’s wondered about what the library looks like? The simple statement catches me off-guard. I know that we’ve said things—admitted that this isn’t just professional and platonic anymore—but I don’t think I’ve really let myself delve into what that might mean. He did confess to worrying about missing dance steps because I was on his mind. It’s wild to even imagine that with all he’s got going on and what he does every day, that somehow I would cross his thoughts. To acknowledge that maybe it’s been the same for him as it has been for me—curiosity about life outside of our screen time together.
A few seconds later, another message comes through: “me right now.” It’s a shot of Nikko sprawled out on the floor, face flushed, hair damp, and clothes sweaty. There’s another member crumpled in a heap next to him and someone leaning against the wall chugging what appears to be a neon sports electrolyte drink in the background. I assume they are at a dance practice.
I should probably focus on the effort that he’s putting in and how hard they’re all working. But I can’t help thinking about what other situations might have him in a similar state. I bite my lip as the temperature in the room seems to rise.
“ Ahem. ”
My eyes snap up toward Brenda, as she peers through my doorway with the judgiest expression I’ve ever seen on her face, which is really saying something.
I can’t look at her for the rest of the day.
???
The question hangs in the air between us.
After the picture Nikko sent me, I’d kind of forgotten about everything else. I’d hurried home to take Noel out and called him as soon as she’d agreed to take her chicken jerky chew and trot off to a patch of sun by the window.
And now, my surprise is evident, reflected back to me in HD pixels on the screen, a complete contrast to Nikko’s wide, hopeful eyes.
“Would you want to come to the show?” he’d asked just moments before, his voice tinged with nerves and excitement.
Finally, after the initial shock of getting to see him in real life has stopped causing my brain to glitch, I manage to answer. “Yes. Of course. Yes. Absolutely yes.”
Nikko’s smile is so instantaneous, so bright, that it immediately makes me do the same. The silence starts to stretch, the two of us just grinning at each other like neither of us have words right now. For this step that we have the chance to take now. To be in the same place at the same time.
“This makes me happy. I would like for you to see what I do. I want to show you that part of me, too,” he says.
I almost tell him that I want all the parts of him, but that can wait. “I already know you’re incredible at what you do. But I would like to be there to witness it live.”
He ducks his head at the compliment. “I think we are really good in the studio. But I think we are better on stage.”
“You all love to perform, don’t you?” It’s obvious even in videos that they truly enjoy themselves when they’re in front of their fans. It’s got to be such a rush to experience that kind of adoration.
“Yes! So much. There is nothing like it.” He seems to consider something for a moment. “At least nothing that I have experienced yet.”
Under the table, I clench my hand into a tight fist, a reminder to be chill. Keep it clean. Just because sex was the first thing I thought of doesn’t mean that’s what he meant. “I’m excited. To see the show.”
“I am glad you will be coming.” His tone is so earnest, it makes me feel bad for letting my internal 14-year-old giggle about coming .
It might be the one boundary I’ve managed to keep in regard to him, refusing to allow myself to think about him during those rushed shower stroke sessions or late night just-trying-to-get-to-sleep tugs. But maybe—maybe now I can let my thoughts roam a little more freely.
I clear my throat, trying to focus on the conversation again. “Me, too. I haven’t been to a concert in a long time.”
Nikko drops his chin into his hands and peers at me, curious. “What is the last one you saw?”
“Umm… I guess it was some country singer? I went with a friend from work after his wife got mad at him and wouldn’t go.” I laugh, recalling Tyler’s text about two hours before the show. “I didn’t know a single song. Just lots of guys in cowboy hats drinking beer.”
“You know there will not be many men at our concert,” Nikko says, as if this is supposed to be some kind of a deterrent to me.
I raise an eyebrow. “The only man I want to see will be there, so I’m good.”
He looks delighted, lips pursed as he tries to fight a smile.
“I want to see you do what you do. But I also just want to see you ,” I tell him, honestly. “Even if it’s only to say hi or something, I’ll take whatever I can get.”
“I will figure something out,” he promises. Then softer, he adds, “I want to be close to you.”
“Just tell me what to do. Or where to be.” I have a sudden thought of sneaking through the shadows of the stadium, on a secret mission to get backstage without anyone noticing. It makes me laugh and of course Nikko notices. He tilts his head, curious. “I was just imagining trying to ninja my way to see you while hiding from all your fans, and it looks ridiculous in my head.”
Chuckling, he rolls his eyes. “You can leave your black mask at home. I will be sure you have what you need.”
“Thank you.” I look at him for a moment, kind of amazed at just how wild this has all turned out to be. “I can’t believe I’ll really get to see you soon.”
His bright-as-the-sun smile comes out in full force. “I know. I am so excited. We are doing three shows, so maybe we can have more time.”
“Three?” I have no idea why it never occurred to me to look up their tour dates, especially knowing they were going to be close enough for the girls at school to have tickets.
He nods. “We do two or three days at each stop. The stage and production are so big. It is too much for just one night. Less cities, but more shows in each.”
“Oh, wow.” I make a mental note to find some concert footage—one of the few kinds of content I have not consumed about the group. I’ve seen live performances on awards shows and late night programs, but nothing that would give me an idea of what a legit concert would be like. But then I realize something else. “So, I could see you... for a few days, maybe.”
“Yes.” His smile is wide, hopeful. “If you wanted. We usually have some time during the day. But we cannot go out much. So we get bored.”
I’m sort of speechless. There’s a lot of possibility in that much time. Opportunity that I did not dare imagine would have existed even earlier today. Chances to spend hours together in the same room. Sharing the same space. Close enough to touch him. I swallow hard. I can’t keep thinking about this right now. “Yes. Whenever you’re available. I’ll find a way to make it work.”
“You have to be at school?” he asks, frowning a little.
“No. I don’t have to be anywhere else if I can be with you instead,” I reply. I don’t just take days off; I’m cautious like that, hoarding the ones I’m given in case I need them somewhere down the line. But this is different. I’ll skip work for the chance to find out what it’s like to be with Nikko, in-person. Up close.
Nikko blushes, pink from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, obviously deeply pleased with my adamant declaration. “You say all the things I hope to hear. It is better than I dream of.”
He’s done it again, implying that he thinks about this—about us—more than I would have ever expected. But it makes me warm, like someone has plugged me into an electrical source, this buzzing sensation of, “ Yes, this could really be something .” However unlikely it may seem. Even though we’re quite literally worlds apart.
I can’t resist trying to find out more. “What have you been dreaming about, Nikko?”
He leans in slowly, close to the camera and glances at me for just a second. “You.”
It’s barely a whisper, but I still hear it loud and clear. Just one word, more than enough to make my heart race. I think again of the picture from earlier, what he might look like spread out underneath me. The simmering warmth I’ve been feeling spreads hot through my body in a flash. I scrub my hand over my face, adjust the way I’m sitting in my chair. I’m about ready to beg for details—anything I can get him to tell me—when I see him turn away in response to someone calling his name from nearby.
“I am talking to Jase,” he says, as I watch the screen, admiring the sharp line of his jaw as he speaks, the shape of his ear and the gentle sway of his jewelry.
There’s a soft laugh. “Of course you are.”
“No. You do not have to come over here...” Nikko’s protest dies as the other party appears over his shoulder and he sighs. “Jase, this is Chita. Chita, this is Jase.”
“Hey, Chita.” I try to give him the casual bro-nod as I greet him, but I am amused at the way Nikko practically folds himself up onto the chair to hide while Chita moves closer to get a look at me. Like Nikko, Chita is alarmingly attractive, his dark hair in wild spikes, and even more so as he gives me a friendly smile.
“Hi, Jase. Nice to finally see you. We hear about you a lot,” Chita tells me as Nikko buries his face in his hands and makes a pained kind of noise from behind him. Chita chuckles. “Sorry, but we have to go. Our call time got moved up.”
“No worries. It was nice to see you, too.” I wait until Chita has ambled off, pausing to ruffle Nikko’s hair on his way out, before I start laughing. “So I guess this is a thing now, huh? I meet someone new every time we talk?”
Nikko rolls his eyes. “They are everywhere. All the time.”
“Brothers are like that, I hear.” I smile at him as he starts to give me a pout. “Hey… I’ll see you soon.”
His face transforms immediately. “I cannot wait.”
???
“Shake it off,” I tell Noel as we come in from the rain she was extremely displeased about being subjected to. I grab the little purple towel that I keep by the door for exactly this reason and wipe off her dainty paws before she goes careening around the living room like a Tasmanian devil on speed, rubbing her wet dog aroma all over the furniture and carpet. “Thanks so much for that, baby dog.”
I toss the towel on the staircase to take to the laundry room later and walk into the kitchen, shaking the water out of my hair not unlike Noel just did. Opening the pantry, I stand there, staring at the limited options, disheartened by my choices. I’ve been craving Korean food all day, but the only dish I can even sort of make is pajeon and I don’t have any of the ingredients.
Just as I’m debating giving in and ordering delivery from Kim Chee’s K-FOOD, the only sort of authentic restaurant in the area, my phone rings.
I’m surprised to see it’s Kija. We haven’t even texted much recently, since he’s been busy traveling, doing whatever it is he does. I wonder if I’d understand it more now that I actually have actually learned a few things about idols and groups and such. “Hey! Wasn’t expecting you tonight.”
I’ve barely gotten the words out when he says, “So, I hear you’re going to k-pop your cherry at an RYSING show.”
“ Wow .” Not only is his joke terrible, but damn, does word travel fast. Nikko had only invited me a couple of days ago and now Kija knows? The two of them must talk more than I realized.
“What’s going on with you and Nikko?” he asks. I hear a chair squeak and it sounds like he’s getting comfortable, settling in for a story.
I don’t know why I’m hesitant to tell him everything. Maybe because he’s the one who set this whole thing up. Was it a set up? Did he suspect something could happen all along? Or will he be disappointed that I’ve gone and caught feelings for a client we both share? It’s unsettling to not know how he might respond. “I mean, you know I’m going to the show. I guess we’re going to say hi or something?”
“It’s like you forget that I know you sometimes,” Kija comments.
I can’t tell if I should be offended or impressed that he’s still able to tell when I’m not being entirely honest even after all this time apart. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know what you’re like when you’re into someone,” he replies. “First, you think you’re being all nonchalant when you ask for information, and then you get all cagey and avoid talking about them or downplay what’s really happening.”
“Okay, so you’re just going to call me out like that then.” I try to sound like I’m joking, but he’s right and he’s very aware of that.
“I was also with them during some of their European dates, so I had plenty of chances to chat with Nikko,” he mentions casually, as though that will not make me absolutely crazy wanting to know everything they talked about.
“Kija.”
“Jase.”
“Don’t do this to me,” I plead.
He chuckles. “I thought you were just going to say hi or something. No big deal.”
And that’s all it takes to make me crack. I’ve been desperate to have someone to talk to about this, and now he’s going to get all of it. “I like him. I like him so much it’s actually kind of freaking me out. Because honestly, I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and that’s including the guys I’ve been in relationships with. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever met, and I think about him, literally, all the time. I even cut back on some of my other tutoring so I could talk to him more. He’s so smart and so funny and so thoughtful about everyone and everything. And he is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Inside and out. His smile makes me feel like I’m dying, but in the best possible way. And who has stars in their eyes like that? He does! Then he looks at me with them and I’m just… gone.”
“Oh, shit. Okay, you are… yeah.” Kija is quiet for a moment, seeming a little thrown off by the sudden onslaught of my emotions. “I was just going to harass you a little bit about you having a crush on each other, but it seems like we’re well past that point.”
“He told you he has a crush on me?” This takes me right back to the middle school girl “tell me everything” phase. I drop down into a chair at the kitchen table, slouching.
“I am starting to regret all of this,” Kija groans. But his tone changes to something softer as he says, “I’m sure it’s pretty obvious that he’s into you. At least it is from where I am.”
It still makes me feel giddy to hear him say that, even though Nikko himself has told me the same. “Yeah, I think the feelings are mutual.”
“He started asking about you right away. I thought it was cute at first, but then I could tell it was more than that.” There’s fondness in his voice, and I love knowing that he seems supportive of me and Nikko. “And then when you called about finding out he was famous, I was actually expecting you to tell me you were having some sort of feelings about him. Which, you were, just not exactly the ones I was anticipating at the time.”
“Did you do it on purpose?” I ask, then clarify, “Did you try to set this up? Like this? Thinking something might happen?”
“Not really? I mean, I wasn’t trying to play matchmaker like the auntie at the seojeom always used to do. I knew you’d work well together and would get along. But I didn’t think it would turn into something like this. At least not at first.” He laughs in a way that sounds kind of sweet. “It makes sense, though, when I think about it. I can see where you fit for each other.”
I don’t know what else to say about what he’s shared, but I do have to let him know I’m grateful for whatever role he played. “Thank you for making this possible.”
“You’re welcome. I’m sorry I won’t be around to see what happens when you two are finally in the same room.” He’s back to teasing, but it hits me that it really is a bummer he’s not traveling with them right now.
“Can’t you come over for this show? I could see both of you.” As soon as I say it, I know I don’t mean it. I don’t want to have to share my time with either of them. But right now, Nikko ranks higher on my list, even if I won’t admit that.
Kija laughs again and I know he sees right through me. “I think you and I will see each other soon. This visit, that’s for you and him.”
I know I’m smiling like a lunatic as he says that. “I hope so.”
“I’d say tell me all about it after, but you can just give me an overview. I don’t need all the details.” He pauses, like he’s thinking about it. “Yeah, I still have to work with him, so probably the less details the better.”
“Damn, Kija. What are you expecting us to do?” Getting back up, I go to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
“Besides each other?”
I spit out the sip that I have just taken and he starts laughing at the sound.
“Just… have fun. Enjoy each other. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Can I focus on trying to remember how to be a functional human when I meet him first and then worry about what comes next?” I wish I was kidding, but it’s unfortunate that I’m not.
“Oof,” Kija huffs. “You are awkward as hell around hot guys, aren’t you? It’s been a while, so that slipped my mind. But now I’m thinking about the first time you and I met and… “
“ O-kay,” I interject, cutting him off. “ We don’t need to revisit that right now, thanks so much.”
“Seriously, though, I think this is good for you. Both of you.”
I really hope he’s right.
I feel like he is.
And that’s enough for now.