마지막
NIKKO
“ I took this picture,” Jase says, looking up at me from the CD case I just handed him.
“You did,” I confirm. “I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t ask you before I used it.”
“This is your album?” he asks, still not quite sounding like he really believes what is happening right now. “This is what everyone will see when they get it?”
His reaction is making me anxious. I wanted him to be the first person to have and hear the completed project—the record, the packaging and photocards—but now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have waited until the very end. Maybe it’s too much? Or I made the wrong decisions in what I chose to include without getting his permission.
“Yes?” I don’t mean for it to sound like a question, but it is. The possibility that I’ll have to go back to the company and tell them to scrap everything and start over is not something I had considered until this moment. “Do you hate it?”
“What? No. Of course I don’t hate it.” Jase lets out a breath slowly, then reaches out with his other hand to pull me closer to him. “You just… I took this picture. Of my dog. Our dog. That is now the cover of your debut album. I’m shocked. In the best way.”
“I wanted it to be a good surprise,” I tell him as I wrap my arms around his shoulders and drop myself into his lap, relieved.
Turning the plastic case over, he skims the production information and photo on the back, another from his camera roll on the same day—this one of me looking out at the sea. “How did… Why?”
“Because I wanted to include you in every way I could.” I kiss his cheek, shifting a little to be able to see him better. “That was our first trip to Busan and the beach together, and it was amazing. That’s what I see when I look at it—the memories I have of us being there. To anyone else it will seem like a concept photo; a little dog on a big, secluded beach fits the title.”
“ Lone makes it sound like it’s sad,” Jase comments, his finger tracing the bold lettering in the corner that blocks out the glare from the sun in the image. “It’s not sad, is it?”
“No, it’s not sad at all. It is a solo project, so I am alone, but you are missing something,” I hint. I am surprised he did not pick up on it already. “Think about the name RYSING, or the title of our first album. Kind of.”
His brow furrows as he tries to figure out what I mean. “I know that CNTRL was letters from the other guys’ stage names and RYSING is from everyone’s first names, but I don’t know what that has to do with…” He stops and gets a far away look in his eye, his mouth moving around his thoughts that have no sound. “You did not.”
“Did not what?” I smile, sure he’s got it now.
“Noel! You mixed up the letters.” As soon as he says her name, Noel comes running over like she’s been called. He holds the CD up for her. “Do you know you’re about to be very famous?”
“I don’t think she is impressed,” I laugh as she walks away again, realizing that we don’t have food or a toy for her.
“She never is,” Jase mumbles against my shoulder as I run my fingers through his hair.
“Do you want to listen to some of the songs?”
“Of course,” he says, leaning back into the couch cushions and getting ready to take it in. “Start with your favorite.”
I get up to start the music from my computer, sending it through the large, high-quality bluetooth speakers Iseul insisted we have. “I love them all, but this one I might love the most.”
Pressing play, I return to my seat on Jase’s lap, watching him close his eyes and start nodding his head to the beat. I cannot help but sing along, and I see him smile when he hears me. As the chorus approaches, the smile begins to fade, slowly, as the words continue.
When his eyelashes flutter open as the song ends, there are tears in his eyes, watery blue. “Be with me?” he asks, soft and nostalgic.
“I am with you,” I reply, like I always will.
**
“From a member of RYSING to enjoying incredible success with his first solo adventure, please welcome Nikko!”
I make my way over to the seating area where the hosts are waiting, stopping every few steps to bow and wave to the studio audience. My butt stings from the good luck smack Jase gave me when I was called out of the dressing room a few moments ago, and it makes me giddy to be able to walk out here still feeling his touch.
“You are just the cutest!” one of the hosts exclaims as I bow to the two of them, and I realize that she is the same red-headed lady from the interview a couple of years ago. The one that made me determined to start learning more English.
“Thank you.” I dip my head once again before taking a seat. I’m probably blushing, but I don’t feel as anxious or awkward as I worried I might. I know Jase is here, watching. I know my language skills are good. I am ready for this.
“We are so happy to have you here today. I, for one, have not been able to stop listening to your album since it came out. My husband told me he was going to sleep in the garage if I didn’t stop playing it all the time!” The other host, younger and blonde, shares and the audience snickers.
“Please apologize to him for me,” I say and they both laugh.
She shakes a finger at one of the cameras. “Oh no, I won’t be doing that!”
“Your lead single, ‘ be with me,’ has just gone crazy. It’s everywhere, all over the charts, and I think you broke a streaming record recently,” the red-haired one says, and all I can think of is the ginger Ryo likes to throw in all of his dishes. I cannot remember her actual name, and I will have to be careful not to call her that outloud.
I am still not used to hearing this kind of praise for myself. It seems so odd to be the center of attention when I am used to being part of a group. “It’s been very exciting. I’m so happy that VOX has liked my music, and that I have found new fans as well.”
“I have never listened to much k-pop, and I only know a few RYSING songs from when you guys have been on this show, but lone is my favorite album of the year, very honestly,” the blonde one tells me. “So you can count me as a fan! I am really looking forward to seeing you perform live here in a few minutes, too. Are you happy to have the stage to yourself while you’re doing your solo promotions?”
“Oh, no. I love being able to sing anytime, but I don’t prefer to do it by myself. I miss the members any time they aren’t with me,” I answer truthfully. Even during rehearsal earlier, I had kept looking for them, expecting to see Lux or one of the others beside me.
“I have to admit,” Ginger starts to say, and I can immediately tell it is going to be something dumb. “I am shocked at how talkative you are. Any time we have had the group here, we could never get you to say more than a few words, and it’s always been in Korean. But today you are just chatting away! And in English!”
I give her a well-practiced smile. “I’m naturally pretty introverted. But I’ve been working very hard to become more outgoing and use English better. I have spent a lot of time learning over the last few years. I had an excellent tutor who taught me a lot.”
“Obviously!” Ginger practically shouts. “I think it’s great that we can have a conversation with you now.”
The blonde seems to realize it is time to direct the focus back to music. “I was surprised at how romantic the whole record is, especially with the melancholy title. Can you tell us about that?”
No, I can’t, but I won’t say that. Every song that I wrote or helped write is about my own experience, but I hoped they would be relatable to others as well. “Everyone loves love. Daydreaming about it, hoping to find it, wanting to be in it. I wanted the album to be about all of those things. All of the feelings we have about love.”
She nods along as I speak. “I think my most favorite song is the next single, actually, ‘ in another life.’ You wrote that right?”
“I did. I had a hand in writing all of them, at least a little bit. I was lucky to be able to work with Lalo on most of the album and he produced it as well. I also really like ‘ in another life,’ because it’s something I think we all do. We wonder about what life would be like if we were someone else, or if our situations were different.” I am proud of how well I have been able to explain myself—how easily the words are coming, and my voice is not shaking with nerves.
“All these songs about romance, but we never see stories on any of you boys dating anyone. Surely you get lonely when you’re out doing all these promos. When are we going to hear about you having a girlfriend?” Ginger asks me.
I laugh because I can’t help myself. My mind flashes back to last night, riding Jase slowly while I savored the feel and fullness of him inside me and how absurd it is to think I could ever want anything else. “You will not hear about that any time soon.”
“He’s so busy, we have to give him some slack! But we’ll get him to sing right after we come back from this break!” Not-Ginger says.
Grinning at the camera as the producer calls for commercial, I slide from the chair and get ready to perform. I catch sight of Jase standing off to the side of the set in his official Task Force “I’m with the label” gear.
There is nothing like being in front of the fans, but I love knowing he’s watching even more.
Jase makes me brave.
That interview, this album, the song I’m about to sing are possible because of him.
I know that I can stand here today because of Jase being in my life.
And I wouldn’t want to do any of it without him.
at the end of the day
no matter where we are
I just want you to
be with me