Chapter 7 Deacon #2
“Even when you’re up past midnight?”
“Every day,” I repeat.
“What if I wake you at four-thirty and send you on your way?”
Four-thirty sounds painful in a way five does not.
“You don’t like sleeping alone?” I ask.
“I’m perfectly capable of sleeping alone,” he assures me. “But if I don’t have to…”
“I admit, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.” It’s an unguarded admission—the kind I seem prone to making with him.
“You’re keeping me company. Right?”
“Sure.”
“And I’m keeping you company.”
I nod as I chew on my lower lip. There’s something he mentioned the first night that probably needs to be addressed if we’re going to hook up again. “This person you’re in love with,” I begin. “What’s that about?”
He groans. “It’s a long story. I’m not proud of it.”
“But it’s a thing?”
“Technically? It is a thing,” he says with a sigh.
“What would he think about this?”
“It’s not the same for him,” Isaac says brutally. “I don’t think he has a clue how I feel, and if he does, he doesn’t care.”
“Is he an asshole?”
A pained look crosses his face, creasing his brow and turning his lips downward. “No. Not at all.”
“Good, because I’d tell you that you can probably do better.”
“I am trying.” His dark gaze holds a shimmer of meaning I have no hope of grasping.
“You do seem like you’re enjoying yourself,” I say.
“I am. I’m enjoying you, too.”
My smile is small. “Same.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
I take my chances and lie down beside him. If I fall asleep, so be it, I guess. “I’ve never done much more than hook up with randoms.”
He runs a hand from my cheek through my hair. His gaze flits between my eyes and my mouth. “You’ve never dated someone?”
“Is that what you’re proposing?” I ask.
“It could be,” he tells me.
“Doesn’t sound like I’ve really got a shot,” I say. “Love is a strong word.”
“I need to get over it.”
“If he doesn’t know how you feel about him, you should say something.”
He winces. “I’m not sure I can.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Can I just say it’s complicated?”
“You could…”
Isaac is quiet a long moment, studying my face. “I do fuck him,” he finally says.
The words land awkwardly in my chest, like they’re not sure where to slot themselves. “Ah.”
“I shouldn’t, though.”
“But?” I ask, because as hard as it is for me to read people, I can tell when someone has more to say.
“I’ve just never been able to resist him.”
“So, you fuck, and you have feelings, but you can’t tell him that.”
Isaac exhales heavily. “Feelings aren’t what he wants from me.”
“How do you know?” I ask.
“I don’t.” He sighs again. “I don’t fucking know anything. And I also don’t know if I can stop doing it, but I want to because I think I need to.”
I frown. “Are you trying to choose right now?”
He gives his head a small shake. “I don’t know.”
“Because you don’t have to,” I say. “We can keep this as casual as you want.”
“What do you want?” he asks.
“Honestly, I’m not sure, either.” He’s given me a lot to process.
“Because I really like this,” Isaac says.
“I noticed,” I say with a smirk.
He presses his lips together and lowers his gaze. “Was it the eighth or ninth time I came that gave me away?”
“It was all the times,” I tell him.
“Yeah, well… I didn’t realize my ass was so empty until you came along.”
I laugh. “If it helps, I didn’t realize how well my cock could fill one.”
“Yeah, you’re pretty good at it.”
I run my hand up and down his arm. “I feel like I can do better than pretty good.”
“I might be downplaying it. Are you getting what you need?”
I nod, because being what he needs is more than enough for me.
The fact that I get off as hard as I do is a bonus.
I don’t really care how it happens. If I want something in my ass, I’ll stuff a plug in, but so far, with him, I haven’t felt the need.
I’ll be curious what my therapist thinks about all this, but I already know he’ll be more interested in what I think about it.
I’m not looking forward to that conversation.
Isaac draws closer and presses his mouth to mine. It’s a gentle kiss at first, but then his tongue teases my lips, and I can’t help but let him in. I fucking love kissing him.
“Date me,” he says when he pulls away. “Casually.”
“Is this a casual date?” I ask.
He rubs his nose against mine and nods.
“What about the other guy?”
His gaze narrows, searching mine. “What do you want me to say?”
“I’m not sure,” I admit.
“Because I can go cold turkey.”
That makes me grin. “You think?”
“Probably.”
“I think you probably shouldn’t. Not until you’ve put it all out there.”
He rests his forehead on mine. “I told you. I can’t.”
I cup the back of his head. “Your reasoning was weak. Saying it’s complicated just means you should simplify.”
“Exactly.” He kisses me again. “This is simplifying.”
It’s my turn to shrug. “If you want.”
“Why are you being impossible?”
“I was born this way. What’s your excuse?”
He laughs.
I would like to see where this goes if he’s open to it, but his being in love with someone else is a big deal.
Still, I’ll take my chances. If it gets too messy, then whatever.
I don’t have the fear of being hurt a lot of people have.
Maybe because I’m used to it. Maybe because my whole life is one big coping mechanism.
“Figure your shit out,” I tell him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He tucks himself against me, his arms trapping me in his bed.
With both of us still naked, this position feels risky.
I can’t think of a less risky alternative, though, so I slot my thigh between his and get comfortable.
We kiss for a few more minutes, and when both our dicks remain more or less soft through a few valiant twitches, he curls in until his head is resting beneath my chin, and we both fall asleep.