Chapter 15 Deacon
DEACON
In a move that’s not like me at all, I send my therapist a text when I get home. I saw him Wednesday during lunch as scheduled, but even though I was having dinner with Evan that night, I only talked about Isaac.
I never contact Gray outside our sessions, which is probably why he answered, thinking something had gone very wrong for me.
It’s not untrue. I have a habit of creating expectations based off probabilities and my knowledge of certain people—certain situations—but this one went so far off plan that I need a way to process it outside my head.
As much as Gray can piss me off, my relief at his quick response is huge.
I explain what happened at dinner and afterward, and like he’d been holding himself back during the entire Isaac session yesterday, he pounces on the Evan of it all.
He doesn’t have much to say in terms of Isaac, only that I watch myself there, but when I tell him about Evan holding my hands and the near kiss experience, he grills me about why I never mentioned I found him attractive.
I sort of…sputter. “He’s my roommate?”
“But he kissed you, and you didn’t push him away?”
“Well, no, I was…he was…holding my hands.”
“Can we get past the hand holding part? Or no?”
“No,” I tell him. “That’s where I’m stuck.”
“So…not the kiss?”
“The kiss felt like part of it,” I try to explain.
“Do you, or do you not find him attractive?”
“I do, but I try not to?”
“Is this a boundary for you? Roommates?”
“Do I have boundaries?” I ask him.
“Plenty,” he says. “Just because you haven’t articulated them doesn’t mean they aren’t there. You like Evan. You’ve said that since he moved in.”
“He’s a good roommate.”
“What makes him a good roommate?”
“He’s calm and nice, and he never makes noise. He runs interference with our neighbor. He comes with me to parties and does all the talking so I don’t have to.”
“Does he ever have people over?” Gray asks.
“No,” I say. Then I frown. That’s not normal, is it? Or maybe it is if he’s involved with Isaac.
“Never?”
“No,” I repeat, annoyed that he won’t take my word for it.
“And he gets along with your friends? The good ones, I mean.”
“Yeah,” I tell him. “They like him. He’s nice.”
“Is he not your type?”
“I’m not sure I have a type.” There’s a lot I’m still trying to figure out, and the time I’ve spent with Isaac has had me thinking that what I thought I wanted might not be what I needed.
I might not need to be pounded or choked into oblivion. I might rather have someone to take care of, whatever that looks like.
“The fact that you’re calling me outside session about this man you fed and held hands with tells me there may be something there worth exploring.”
“Explore how?” I ask.
“Keep talking to him and see,” he tells me like conversations are the simplest things in the world.
Although, it wasn’t hard talking to Evan on the couch while he was eating last night.
There were some signs he was struggling with having to talk to me, but I’ve been known to misread signs in the past, especially when I’m nervous like I have been since this all blew up in my face.
“See what? If I’m attracted to him?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“What about Isaac?”
Gray sighs. “What about the CEO of your company?”
“I like him.”
“Are you exclusive?”
“No,” I say.
“Good, because you’re trying to get out of a toxic, codependent situation, and you don’t need to be committing yourself to the first person who got your rocks off. A nice guy your age who you might be attracted to is a good option to consider, yes?”
“But what if it doesn’t work out, and we’re stuck living together? What about Isaac?”
“No one’s stuck,” Gray reminds me. “We’ve talked about this.
Things work out, or they don’t. People make changes, or they change their mind.
You’re not in control of the outcome. And that might sound intimidating, but it’s how we find the people and the places that do work out.
This is the way life unfolds. We follow our gut and deal with the consequences.
As long as the behavior isn’t physically self-destructive like indiscriminate sex or drug use—even if it is honestly—you learn what you like and what you need. Are you still following me?” he asks.
I am. I’m hanging on his words like they’re gospel.
“Have you ever done something just for the thrill of it? No drugs or alcohol involved?”
The first thing that springs to mind is kissing Isaac at that sushi place.
I liked where that wound up. I’m still not sure what came over me that night, other than being really horny.
I’m not horny right now, but the hug Evan halfway asked for then didn’t let me give him definitely feels like unfinished business.
Like a burner I left on.
“You’re still single, Deacon,” Gray says. “Go mingle, would you?”
“I feel like I need a drink. Or four,” I admit.
“Let’s try tonight without one and let me know how it goes. If it’s a disaster, you can call me back. And remember you have work tomorrow.”
“Yeah, okay.”
I’m ready to hang up and call Bailey now.
It’s like an autopilot thing. Every time I leave Gray’s office lately, I’m on the phone with her, making her give it to me straight in the no bullshit way she has.
Gray has no bullshit either, but I don’t like him as much as I like Bailey and besides, I pay him.
Bailey likes—or at least she claims to—agreeing or disagreeing with my therapist. And I guess I have a lot to catch her up on.
“Deacon! So soon? Did you make something yummy for me to come get? I can be there in twenty.”
“I just got off the phone with Gray.”
“Did something happen?”
“Sort of. I need to walk Apollo. Can you meet me?”
“For a walk? It’s freezing.”
“We’ll walk fast.”
“Just walk him over here. We’ll talk inside.”
“Okay.” I grab Apollo’s leash. “I’ll see you when I get there.”
Bailey is the only one of my new friends who knows about the old ones, and I give her, along with Evan, a lot of credit for making me feel confident enough that I can leave that group of people behind.
We hang up, and I cross the apartment, knocking softly on Evan’s door.
“I’m fine, Deacon,” he says from the other side.
Erring on the side of giving him space, I call through the door. “I’m going on a walk. Do you want me to take the dog?”
A few seconds pass, and the door opens. Apollo is sitting next to Evan, looking up at me. He definitely knows the word walk.
I do a quick perusal of Evan. I know he missed work today, and that’s not baseline for him. “You doing okay?” He looks fine. He’s dressed in what he normally wears around the house. Mismatched sweats and white socks.
“Fine,” he says. “You can take him.”
“Thanks,” I say, even though I’m the one technically doing the favor. It feels like the least I can do. I’m almost positive Bailey will confirm that.
“Thank you,” he says. “I’ve been kind of slacking.”
“It’s no problem. Let’s go, buddy,” I say to the dog.
Without knowing what else to say, I leave. The walk to Bailey’s takes me about fifteen minutes today. It’s frozen and misty out, and I’m cold as fuck.
She hurries me inside when I get there, already bundled up in a fuzzy robe and–– “Are those beaver slippers?”
“Malcolm gave them to me for Christmas. He’s an asshole, but they’re so warm.”
I have to laugh at that as I let Apollo off his leash. Bailey’s apartment reminds me a little of Millie’s. While there’s a lot more logic to the way Bailey sorts her things, the color is definitely all there. It’s like being inside a fruit salad, color-wise.
“Did you hear about the Apollo drama?” I ask.
She rubs his head, which comes all the way up to her waist even when he’s sitting. “Apollo has drama?”
“Millie says he knocked up Manon at the New Year’s party.”
Bailey laughs so hard she snorts. Repetitively. “Can you imagine? No. We would have heard something.”
“The music was pretty loud.”
She shrugs. “And the drinks were strong…”
“Still.” I look down at the dog.
“Right,” she seems to agree. “Is that why you called Gray?”
“No,” I say, all the actual reasons bumrushing my brain and taking over. “So, I went on a date last weekend.”
“A real date with an upstanding citizen, or—”
“It ended up being with Isaac Sullivan. My CEO.”
“Oh, I’m aware of who Isaac is. Did you not know it was with him?”
“The app we used is kind of a newer one. It’s almost like blind dating. So, no. I didn’t know until he showed up. He didn’t know who I was, but I told him.”
“And?”
“It was good.”
She grins and sits on the couch next to me. “Say more.”
“I like him. We like each other. We spent the weekend together, and then Tuesday. And it felt—good.”
“Can we try a more descriptive word than good?”
“Right,” I say. “Hot. Fun. I like him.”
“And he likes you?”
“He says he does.”
She smiles wide. “Awesome.”
“Gray said I need to be careful.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s my boss, I guess. And I don’t know. Maybe he thinks Isaac’s too good for me or something.”
“Do you?” Bailey asks.
“Because he owns a company? No.”
“I’m with you. Go for it.”
“I would, but when I told Evan about it last night, I found out they have kind of a thing.”
Bailey’s hazel eyes widen. “Who? Evan and Isaac?”
“Apparently.”
“They’re like together?”
“No—not like—” I frown. “Evan made it sound like it’s just a sex thing.”
Bailey snorts. “Go Evan.”
I slide her a look.
“What?” she asks. “You jealous?”
“No. I just don’t know what to do about it. Isaac wants me to give him a chance, and I want that, but I’ve got Gray over here saying ‘What’s wrong with Evan? You should look at Evan again—why aren’t you with Evan?’”
Bailey folds her arms, a scowl set on her face as she sprawls out and turns to face me. “That’s interesting.”
“Is it? I don’t know what it is. Also, I think Evan’s really upset. He didn’t go to work today.”
“What’s he upset about?”
I squirm, tapping a familiar rhythm out on the couch cushion. “I guess he likes me. He called it a crush.”
Bailey stares hard at me.
My forehead feels like it’s going to collapse in on itself.
“I’m gonna help you out here. Evan’s crush on you is well documented, obvious, and due to the fact that nothing’s happened between you two, Ryan, Mal, Miguel, Nathan—everyone—they’re convinced you’re not gay because why would you not be interested in him?”
I get stuck on the word obvious. “How obvious?”
“So obvious I figured even you would have noticed.”
I shake my head. “I’ve really tried not to think of him like that.”
“Because of Ryan?”
I nod.
“And now you like Isaac.”
“Who also really likes Evan, by the way.”
Her brows lift. “The plot thickens. What a fun little love triangle you’ve found yourself in.”
“It’s not fun.”
“Oh, I meant for me. Does everyone know who’s fucking whom now?”
“Yes,” I say. “I talked to Isaac at work today. Everyone knows everyone else’s business.”
“So now what?” Bailey asks.
“That’s kinda why I came over here.”
“You want to know if I think you should give Evan a shot, or do you want me to tell you that dating your boss is a great idea?”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“Oh, honey. I don’t know what the truth is, but I do have opinions.”
“Fine. You know me. What’s your opinion?”
“I don’t know Isaac, though.”
“He’s…amazing.”
“So’s Evan,” she says.
“But we live together,” I remind her.
“Okay, I’m gonna be straight with you. Figuratively speaking.
” She laughs at her own joke. “If you and Isaac get into boyfriend territory, Evan might not want to have anything to do with that. He really likes you, Deacon. And I’m guessing living with the guy he likes in a relationship with the guy he used to fuck isn’t going to be a comfortable situation for him. ”
I take a minute to let my brain logically connect those sentences. “You’re saying either way I could lose my roommate?”
“How would you feel about that?” she asks.
Feelings. Fuck. I hate when people ask me about my feelings. “Bad.”
“Look, I’m not saying every gay guy is obligated to be attracted to every other gay guy, but are you really not attracted to Evan?”
I know a leading question when I hear one, but this one sort of nails me in the chest. “I might be.”
“You want to say more about that? It feels like you do.”
I grimace at her tone. “This is all I’m gonna say. A few weeks ago, I would have said Evan’s not my type. But now that I’m sober, now that I’ve been with Isaac…I might be more interested in Evan.”
She hums like she’s trying to puzzle out my words. “I think I hear what you’re saying. This is about dicks in holes, right?”
I don’t blush easily, but if anyone can make me do it, it’s Bailey. “Yeah.”
“I have got to meet this Isaac person.”
“You might. I’m gonna invite him to the dinner party next weekend. I mean—I guess he might end up being Evan’s date by then, but you’ll probably get to meet him anyway.”
“Okay, back up. I feel like I missed something.”
“I think Isaac is in love with Evan.”
She stares at me a moment and then slowly slides off the couch. “I’m gonna make some lemon zinger. I suggest you have some because you have a lot more explaining to do.”
She makes the tea and we talk for another hour. I fill her in on all the non sex-related blanks.
After we process everything, I walk home with the reminder that everyone involved is still technically single, and if I don’t want to give Evan a chance, I don’t have to, but Bailey’s been “rooting for” us, and she hopes I give it some thought.
I must be in a talking mood, because when I get home with Apollo and return him to Evan’s bedroom, I ask if he needs space or if I can keep processing.
After giving me a long, cautious look, he lets me inside.