Chapter 29 Evan
EVAN
Ihave a lot to process, and I admit, I haven’t done much processing.
It’s like my mind won’t let me. My dick is running the entire show, which makes me feel like a loser and also a coward.
Friday afternoon comes, and I’m bent over Isaac’s desk again.
But instead of his body covering mine, he’s on his knees lavishing attention on my hole.
It’s making me go cross-eyed. I’m so hard, I’m leaking all over his desk, and I’m not even touching myself.
His tongue swipes up my rim and then tickles the inside of me, making me squirm and whimper.
I’m damn near on the verge of tears. It feels so good, and I’m so close, but it’s the worst tease.
I need more. I need him to fill me and fuck me.
I keep telling him this, but he just hums and keeps torturing me with long kisses and salacious sucks. So much.
Not enough.
“Aren’t you hard? Christ.”
“Oh, I’m hard,” he murmurs into my ass.
“Then what are you waiting for?”
“Have you seen your hole?”
“What? No. What’s wrong with it?”
He chuckles and licks his glossy tongue over it again.
Now I’m paranoid. I try to clench closed, but that lasts about as long as it takes for him to suck at me, and I’m opening wide again, welcoming that magical tongue back inside. It goes a little deeper this time, making me grunt, which turns into sort of a sob when he withdraws.
Taking pity on me, I guess, he finds my cock, pulling it down between my legs and caressing it gently. He mouths at my balls. I’m wet everywhere. Sweating through my shirt. Tears now streaking my cheeks.
Arching my back, I press my ass harder against his face, needing him to fuck me with his tongue at least. “I’m so close,” I whine.
His strokes on my cock quicken, and I clench on his tongue again, forcing the orgasm that’s been building for at least twenty minutes.
“Mm…baby,” he growls, milking my dick as it unloads.
My body shakes with each spurt of cum that shoots out.
I know to be quiet in here, but I swear, holding the sounds in just makes the orgasm last longer and become more debilitating.
I lose my knees, but he’s got me as I grab onto the desk so I don’t knock him over.
Eventually I say, “I hope you don’t expect me to return the favor because that was infuriating.” Or something like that—not quite as coherent.
We wind up on the floor behind his desk with him holding me to his chest, pressing kisses all over my face. My limp arms encircle his shoulders as I catch my breath and shiver with aftershocks.
“Okay,” he says. “I know you’re annoyed with me, but do I still get to come for dinner tomorrow?”
“Of course you do. Deacon wants you there.”
“That’s not exactly what I want to hear from you right now.”
“Of course I want you there.”
“How are things going with you and him?”
“Have you not talked to him?” I ask.
“Not too much. I was giving you guys some space.”
“Why?”
He smooths my hair back. “I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take him from you.”
“This is nuts. Don’t you think?” I ask.
“No. I don’t.”
“But like, how do you see this ending?”
“I don’t,” he says. “Why? How do you see it ending?”
“I’m not even sure what’s happening. And what’s wrong with my asshole?”
“It looks sore.”
“Oh.”
Deacon and I were up kind of late last night.
He lasts longer than Isaac does, so when we fuck, it’s kind of an event.
And there were at least two distinct “events” last night.
One in his bed, and once in his shower that involved his cock and a dildo.
He’s not like Isaac who’s all reverent and sweet with me.
Deacon is filthy. He turns me into a cum seeking slut with the shit he says to me, and it’s got me completely fucked up.
Isaac holds my hair out of my face to look me in the eyes. “Are you all right?”
“You’re not asking about my ass, are you?”
He shakes his head.
“Don’t you miss Deacon?” I ask.
“It’s only been a couple of days. I’m looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, though.”
“Are you gonna like—wanna be alone with him?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Because I’ve been alone with him and you this week, and I don’t know. It feels like that would be fair.”
He frowns. “I don’t want this to be about taking turns, Evan.”
“What do you want, then? Us all living under one roof like a happy family?”
His mouth quirks. “That sounds like a happy ending to me.”
“It’s almost like—and I’ve been thinking this for a long time, so it’s not just because of this week—but it’s almost like you’re afraid to really connect with a person.”
“I won’t lie. It’s something I’ve struggled with.”
“And you take someone like Deacon who literally connects through sex. It’s safe, yeah, but it’s also kind of…”
”What?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Lonely?”
Isaac frowns, studying me. “Is there something you feel like you can’t say to him?”
“More like I feel like he doesn’t want to hear it.”
“Well, I do.”
After a long moment, I speak. “I sort of feel like I’m not going to end up being enough for either one of you.” There it is. All my fear and insecurity in one sentence.
Isaac looks surprised. Not in a good way. “I think you need to tell me what’s going on.”
“Besides the fact that you say you’re in love with me, but you want to date me and someone else at the same time?”
“I mean what’s going on with you and Deacon.”
“Nice dodge. I mean, how much detail do you want me to get into?”
“As much as you need to,” he says.
“Well, we’ve been having sex…”
Isaac has no reaction to this other than a nod.
“And it’s…vigorous.”
He lets out a short laugh.
“But afterwards…I don’t know. It’s like he goes someplace else.”
“Physically?”
“Sometimes,” I say. Last night after we’d both come in my bed, he’d gone to the kitchen to meal prep after he gave my ass his compliments.
He’d come back to the room afterwards, and I was working on my computer.
He’d rubbed my shoulders until I was hard again, we had sex again in the shower, and that time he’d hung around in bed with me afterward.
But when I say hung around, I was snuggled up against his chest, he had one arm around me and his phone in the other hand.
He was typing with one thumb faster than I’ve ever seen a human do.
I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I was alone, and he was pounding the treadmill. It felt like any other morning before any of this happened, getting ready separately, leaving separately.
“What’s he like afterwards with you?”
“It depends,” Isaac says.
“Does he spend the night with you?”
“He has.”
“All night in bed, like you wake up together?”
“Is that not what’s happening?” Isaac asks.
I shake my head.
“And you take that personally?”
Sighing, I shift to be closer to him. He puts his arms around me.
“I know I probably shouldn’t. I know he’s wired differently, but it’s hard not knowing what he’s thinking.
Wondering if he’d rather I were you or whatever.
Wishing you were there, too. You seem to ground him, and I don’t know…
I don’t know what purpose I’m serving except to get him off. ”
“Have you tried expressing any of this to him?”
“No,” I admit.
“Why?”
“Because what if I’m right? Where does that leave me if he doesn’t have any serious feelings for me?”
“I have serious feelings for you. If that matters.”
It matters. It’s actually become a very, very big deal to me. “Do you love Deacon?”
“I think I could,” he says.
It hurts to hear, but I also knew that’s what he’d say, or a version of it.
I know Isaac doesn’t want to make a choice and hurt me, but the whole situation hurts.
Isaac is invested. Deacon is clearly invested in Isaac.
I’m the one who’s drowning in the uncertainty of not being enough for either of them.
“I just feel like he’s a better fit for you. Or maybe just—you two go together better. Like you can be what each other needs.”
“I’m very aware of what I need, Evan,” Isaac says.
“And you think that’s what? Both of us?”
“It’s not that crazy.”
“What if I fall in love with you?” I ask. “How am I going to feel knowing you have to go to someone else to get something I can’t give you?”
“It’s not about that, though.”
“It has to be,” I argue.
“Do you think you could get everything you need from me?” he asks.
The answer to that question hits me with startling clarity. It’s a yes—but.
In my one and only experience being in love with someone—someone who claimed to love me back—the loss of security in our relationship did me in. Can I trust Isaac not to do the same? Not to follow the next shiny object that crosses his path and leave me in the dust?
I’m not saying he falls easily—I’ve got no evidence of that, but he did get wrapped up in Deacon awfully fast for someone who’s supposedly in love with me. And that’s scary.
It scares the shit out of me.
His gaze is part pleading, but part resigned, too. I don’t know why that’s such a good look on him.
I know what the safe thing to do is. I should stop seeing them both.
I should give Isaac a hug right here and now, tell him thank you for everything, and go.
But he’s getting to me. Poking at the soft spot that craves the attention and affection of someone powerful and self-assured.
Someone who’s never hurt me on purpose. Someone who knows I’m a mess of contradictions but wants me anyway.
I should back away, instead, I graze his fingers with mine, and he quickly turns it into a grip with his entire hand. Our lips touch, and his other hand sifts through my hair and cups the back of my head. I touch his face with my fingertips.
His mouth opens, and I press in, brushing his tongue with mine. My stomach swoops as he deepens the kiss. The gentleness of it is unexpected, and it’s just—fucking lovely. Romantic.
Isaac pulls away, pressing his forehead to mine and taking a deep breath. “Give me a chance, baby.”
My feelings for him, previously silent, asleep or something, are wide awake now. They yelp and yammer at me, rattling at the cage I keep them inside. One I didn’t even know was there. Denial is some powerful shit when you’re trying to justify fucking your smoking hot boss five days a week, I guess.
These feelings are some strong fuckers, though. I need to reinforce that cage quick if I know what’s good for me. “I want to.”
“I love you so much, Evan,” he says, his hand still moving through my hair. “And I’ve got you.”
“Isaac…fuck…” What is this man doing to me?
His arm wraps around my waist, and he holds me so close, I feel like part of him. “Try with me. With us. Don’t you think this at least deserves a chance? Even if it’s nuts?”
“It can’t be all sex all the time,” I say.
“I get that.”
“Do you? Because I’ve seen you with him. He can give that to you minus all my shit.”
“I want you and everything that comes with it. Including sex, but it doesn’t need to be all the time. But I’m gonna say one thing, and you can think about it.”
“Okay,” I say, bracing myself.
“This is one of the first times you’ve given me much else.”
I dig my head into his chest, aware of that and yet annoyed he pointed it out. It’s just that I don’t want to say anything that’ll have me kicking my own ass when this all goes up in flames. It was easier to forgive myself for loving Hunter because I didn’t know any better back then, but I do now.
Falling for Isaac or Deacon in any meaningful way when I can clearly see them falling for each other just makes me a fool. There’s no need to put the words out there. God forbid they look back on this time in their future and laugh at me for being stupid enough to think I could fit in with them.
“I’ll think about it. I should probably get home.”
He kisses the top of my head before letting me go. “Okay. I hope I see you tomorrow.”
I hope I see him, too.