Chapter 43 - Evan
EVAN
To: Isaac.Sullivan@
Re: Re: Re: Letter of Resignation
Dear Isaac,
I would answer if you called. I would see you if you wanted. I didn’t leave angry with you, and I’m not angry now. I’m glad you found something with Deacon, and I don’t want you to fuck it up. I never expected you to choose. I knew you weren’t going to.
I’m sorry I left the way I did. It wasn’t fair to either of you, and if I could do it differently I would. But I would have still left, and I’m sorry for that, too.
I miss you, too.
I miss both of you.
Sorry it took me a few days to respond. I was afraid to read what you’d written. I knew it would upset me, and it did, but that’s a me problem. All of this was a me problem. I don’t have any dreams to share with you. They’re all messy and stressful and they don’t make enough sense to describe.
So maybe that’s how I’m feeling. Messy and stressed and fucking confused because while I don’t feel like I made a mistake by leaving, I hate the way I did it. You deserved a better goodbye. But I guess if I’m being honest, I don’t think I would have been able to do it face to face.
Maybe a phone call…
I don’t know.
I don’t know why I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was hurting Deacon, I guess.
Like I knew you could handle me running hot and cold—you were used to it, but Deacon needs someone who knows what he wants, and that was always you.
I very much fucking admire that about you.
So I know you can do better than “making it work” with him.
I know you can make him laugh and let him take care of you.
I know you can make each other feel good.
I won’t sit here and lie and say I sometimes don’t wish I could have been part of it.
That I could have checked my baggage at the gate, gotten over all my shit, and just let it be.
I think maybe it was too much, too soon.
I think my past and the specific ways I’m broken got in the way too often.
All I know was the two of you were ready, and you were right for each other, and I felt like I was in the way.
I don’t know how I feel about it now. Maybe it’s too soon to say. It kinda feels like a scab that’s trying to scar, and I keep picking at it. Because maybe I want it to scar.
Thanks for reaching out. Deacon hasn’t, but I understand. If he’s around, give him a hug from me. Tell him to give you a hug from me, too.
Love always,
Evan