36. Simone
Simone
Spring break felt like someone hit pause on my life. It felt like one of the first times that I’ve actually just let myself live a little. I finally let go of the expectations I always have on myself and just had fun.
Mason was a big part of that, too, though.
He helped me get out of my head. And whatever started happening in Florida felt…
different between us. I don’t know how to explain it.
Maybe we’re just getting closer as friends.
We’re opening up more to each other, being there for each other more, seeing each other be both the wild and free versions of ourselves, and also the sad, crying, miserable versions of ourselves.
Whatever it was has now started making me miss him anytime he’s not around.
Feels dangerous.
I just got out of a relationship…a long relationship at that. I have no desire to need another man. Not for a very, very long time. It’s time to focus on me for once.
I also think he felt the shift, too. And I’m not sure he’s too keen on whatever it was.
Ever since we got back to campus, I’ve heard from him less. No late-night check-in calls or texts, no sending me videos all day that he says made him think about me, no finding me throughout the day and making me go on errand runs with him so he doesn’t have to be alone…nothing.
I’m starting to wonder what I did wrong, or what he’s so scared of.
He’s still around. Still present, like always. But I feel like he’s trying to put some kind of distance between us now that I hate.
He can’t think I have feelings for him, can he?
Not only would he not want that…but I couldn’t want that. I couldn’t be that stupid to have feelings for someone new so soon after a breakup like this. Let alone someone who is such a good friend to me. Someone I wouldn’t want to lose over stupid feelings you can’t trust.
I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling.
I think the problem is also that I couldn’t want someone like him without also being afraid of him. Afraid of what it would mean. Afraid of what people would say. Afraid of what I’d actually feel if I let myself admit I feel anything.
Mason is the kind of boy girls warn each other about.
Because he’s charming and pretty and reckless, and he doesn’t belong to anyone.
He always has to have someone on his arm at parties, always has plenty of girls in his orbit, and always has had a reputation that clings to him like the smell of expensive cologne.
And I’m fresh off the worst heartbreak of my life from a boy who got a taste of what that life was like and left me for it.
In the middle of my thoughts, Lydia plops down on my bed, scaring the shit out of me.
“Morning!”
I laugh and push her to the side. She’s so damn light.
I mean, she’s always been little, but lately…
it’s like she’s not even taking care of herself.
I don’t know if it’s the partying and drinking more than eating, or…
if it’s more. I’m worried it’s the one thing I’m too scared to keep asking her about.
I should. I know I should ask. But if the drug thing is more than what she said it is, and I keep pushing, I’m just going to push her into a corner, and that’s when she snaps, that’s when she throws all her walls up, and that’s when I lose access to her completely.
“Morning,” I tell her. “You’re in a good mood.”
She nods, smiling. “I’m feeling…good.”
Ever since we came back from spring break, she really does seem happier. I want it to stick. I love this version of her.
“Wanna do something today?” she asks. “I have no classes and no plans.”
I sit up in the bed, leaning back against the wall.
“Of course I wanna do something. I’ve missed you.
I do have to go to the Gamma house today for our spring reset clean-up, though.
We have to get the house in shape for the upcoming inspections, but you can totally come and keep me company!
We can grab coffee and lunch together, too.
All the houses are having to do it, so there’ll be a lot of people around, but it’ll be laid back.
Lani said she’s gonna pop in after her study hall today. ”
“I’m in. I’ll take any chance to be around you when you’re not asleep.”
We both laugh at that.
You would think being roommates would mean we spend every minute together, but with her new college habits, my sorority life, and just…school, we see even less of each other than when we lived apart.
* * *
There’s a mix of chaos and laziness throughout the houses on Greek row when we arrive. It’s mostly everyone just hanging out with each other, barely picking anything up or cleaning until the councils of their houses come around, yelling at them.
I pull Lydia into the Gamma house and immediately get handed a list of things that need to be done by Ava. Ryan is right behind her, being bossed around, looking more than happy to be exactly where he is.
We’re in the kitchen talking more than cleaning when Lani shows up. I squeal and hug her when she walks in and finds us.
“I love having my girls together,” I tell them, hopping up on the counter.
When we end up talking for so long and laughing so loudly that we keep getting looks from Mackenzie—our risk management chair—and both Lani and Lydia tell me they’re gonna go on a coffee run, so I don’t get in trouble.
Once they’re gone, I actually start focusing on cleaning until I feel a chest pressed against my back, hands reaching around me to grab the towel in my hand.
I smell the mix of whiskey and cologne and know who it is before even looking. When I turn around, I see Mason grinning like a little boy who’s looking for trouble to get into.
I can’t help but smile back at him. “Don’t you have like the filthiest house on Greek Row? Why are you over here?”
“A filthy house is just evidence of the best parties.”
“Or…it’s evidence of the wild, untamed species commonly known as boys.”
He takes the towel out of my hand, rolls it up, and hits my thigh with it.
“Ow, Mase! Rude!”
He just giggles, and I can see so clearly where his brothers both get all their mischief from.
He leans back against the kitchen counter. “I got stuck on gutter duty, and I’m bored.”
“So you decided to come bother me? Or was there another Gamma girl you were searching for in here?”
“I’m always only looking for you, pretty girl.”
I ignore the way that makes me feel and snatch my towel back from him. “Would you like me to come help and keep you company?” I throw the towel near the sink. “I just finished up my list.”
I can see the genuine happiness in his eyes, and it pulls a smirk from me.
He holds his hand out, and I look at it and then back up to him, shaking my head. I take it, and he spins me in the kitchen, dipping me, making me squeal a little because I wasn’t expecting it. He just holds me there, locking his eyes on mine.
It’s moments like these that I don’t understand this thing with him.
Yes, we’re friends; we always have been, and it’s always been platonic.
He’s always respected my boundaries, especially when I was still with Tyler.
But that look, the one he’s giving me right now…
it’s not the same one he used to give me.
Or is it, and I just never noticed it the way I’m noticing it now?
He has plenty of friends, but he doesn’t treat any of them like he treats me. I’m kinda protective of that. I don’t want to share his attention.
This is all so fucking confusing.
My head is so screwed up from Tyler that I’m reading into dumb things I didn’t before and feeling things I hadn’t before.
Dumb…dumb things.
“Let’s go have some fun cleaning those gutters,” he says, grinning, still holding my gaze.
He tips me back up and guides me out of the house with his hand on the small of my back. I don’t think he even notices himself doing it.
When we walk out of the house, the lawn is full of kids, mostly just fucking around, finding anything to do besides their tasks.
I almost don’t see him at first, but when a couple of the girls go from picking up litter in the yard to sitting down on the grass—I lock eyes with a face I recognize—one that shouldn’t be here.
Tyler.
What the hell is going on?
How?
What?
Huh?
Mason stops beside me, stiffening when he sees who I see.
Tyler just stares straight ahead, eyes locked on mine—full of remorse and hurt.
I shake my head.
This can’t be real.
He’s not actually here.
I feel Mason’s hand on my shoulder and look over at him, pleading with my eyes for him to tell me what I should do.
“Do you need me?” he asks, genuinely concerned, but I can hear the hint of anger under it.
I swallow, trying to clear my head and remember how to speak. “I—I um…I don’t know.”
He looks over to Tyler for a long second and then back to me. “If you need to talk to him, talk to him. I’ll be right over here. And if you need him to fuck off, just give me the signal.”
I nod, unable to respond, eyes back on Tyler.
Everything suddenly hurts—my head, my heart, my lungs from trying to breathe when I feel like I can’t.
I haven’t seen him in person since before he told me what he did.
I thought the last couple of weeks gave me time to process it all, but with how fresh the pain feels in this moment, you would think he was standing pressed against me right now with the knife still in his hand—stabbing it into my heart.
“Simone,” he says, voice soft, almost like some rehearsed plea. “Can we talk?”
My throat tightens. “No.”
He flinches like he wasn’t expecting that, then recovers quickly.
“Please,” he says, taking another step towards me. “I came all this way—”
“I didn’t ask you to,” I cut in, sharper and sounding more sure than I actually feel.
I hate the stupid, stupid part of my heart that is partly happy to see him, like it just sees an old friend it misses.
He lowers his voice. “I just wanna talk.”
“What is there to talk about, Tyler?” I ask with a bite. “Huh? I trusted you more than anyone! Then you went and ruined that. There are no words that can fix what you did.”