30. Lydia
Lydia
I collapse onto Simone’s bed, staring at the ceiling. The silence between us lingers until it nearly suffocates us both.
“What happened, Lyd?” Simone finally asks, sitting down beside me and tucking her knees to her chest.
I close my eyes and blow out a heavy breath. “I…uh, slept with John.”
Her eyes widen slightly. “John…like John John?”
I prop myself up on my elbows and deadpan at her. “Is there another John?”
“Oh…”
I look at her, slightly frustrated. “That’s all you’ve got for me? I’m spiraling over here, and all you can give me is Oh?”
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to find the right thing to say here,” she says, laughing lightly.
I laugh with her, because what else am I supposed to do? “Ugh, I’m so stupid.”
“No, you’re not,” she sighs. “I mean, do you think it was just a lapse in judgment?” She winces. “Or…do you think…that you might actually like him?”
I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest, mirroring her position like it will offer some comfort.
“I don’t know…I don’t think so. Honestly, I don’t even know why I did it.
It’s just…he was there, and he’s been so sweet, and my mind was just so loud, you know?
I couldn’t shut any of it off. But when he got close, it felt so electric, and then when we kissed, it started to get quiet in my head.
After that, I just needed to know if more could quiet the thoughts completely.
I felt this need, like this physical need for more.
Even if it was just for a temporary moment of relief. ”
Simone gently takes my hand, squeezing it. “And how are you feeling about it all now?”
“Confused? Ashamed? Guilty?” My voice cracks. “It felt good in the moment…but now, I just feel terrible. It feels like I used him, even though I know he didn’t see it that way. I feel shitty because I know he actually likes me…and maybe I did take advantage of that.”
Simone hesitates. “Look, Lydia, you know I never judge you, but maybe meaningless sex isn’t the best way to cope? You deserve more than just a temporary distraction.”
I stiffen slightly, my defenses going up. “Easy to say from Ms. Perfect, with her perfect relationship and perfect, healthy, meaningful sex.”
Her eyes flicker with hurt. “That’s not fair. Tyler and I aren’t perfect, far from it. I’m not trying to upset you, Lydia. I just…I just want you to remember you’re worth more. You deserve to give yourself to someone you actually care about, not just someone who helps you forget.”
Even with the clouding shame I feel, guilt creeps in again, for the way I’m talking to her, for the way I used John.
“John’s not bad, though,” I say softly. “He was sweet. It’s not like I was with someone who treated me badly.”
“I know, I believe you,” Simone says gently, regretful of her earlier tone. “I’m sorry, Lydia. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I just don’t wanna see you hurt anymore. You’ve been through so much, and I always feel this urge to protect you.”
“It’s okay,” I murmur. “I know you’re probably right. I just…” I trail off, shaking my head. “I fucked up and made everything more complicated now.”
“Well, what do you want to do?” Simone asks, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. “With John?”
“I don’t know,” I say, pressing my palms into my eyes, fighting off frustrated tears.
“He’s sweet, he really is, Simone. He doesn’t deserve me being so messed up, and him being used like that.
I mean, I like being with him, but every time I look at him, I think about Eli.
It all feels so twisted, like I’m betraying…
him, even though Eli doesn’t deserve any loyalty from me.
But still, like damn, it’s barely been a couple of months since he died.
If people found out, if they knew I slept with his best friend…
then they’ll really think everything Eli said was true.
They’ll think that everything they’ve been saying about me is valid. ”
Simone’s voice hardens. “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, Lyd. You know the truth.”
“I know,” I whisper. “But the insecurities creep in still, trying to convince me those things might be true.”
Simone sighs softly, leaning her head against my shoulder. “You’re none of what they say…plus, we’re almost out of here. We’re so close to graduation and a fresh start, remember?”
“Yeah…I really can’t wait,” I say, squeezing her hand. “I’m ready to get out of Charlotte, out of this state. Hopefully far away enough where people don’t recognize and label me as the fucked up girl who pushed her poor boyfriend to kill himself.”
Simone shifts slightly, her voice softening. “I’m ready too…but I’m also scared about leaving. With Tyler and me going to different colleges. I just don’t know how the distance is going to affect us. I’m really gonna miss him.”
Guilt knots in my chest. “Geez, Simone, I’m sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I haven’t even asked how you’re feeling about all the changes coming…I’m so ready to leave this place, I forget how much you’ll be leaving behind.”
Simone shrugs, looking away. “I’m just scared. All I’ve ever known is this city, all I have is here—my family and Tyler. Leaving it behind…it just feels a little terrifying.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish lately,” I whisper again.
“No, it’s okay. I know you’re hurting,” Simone says firmly. “That’s not you being selfish, it’s a normal part of the healing process.”
“Maybe…but I want to be there for you the way you always are for me. I love you, and I’m glad we still get to go to college together,” I tell her. “It’s the one thing I have left to look forward to.”
“Yeah, you’re the only thing that’s going to make the transition easier, honestly. That reminds me, we have to get our dorm request sent in soon! I refuse to be there if I’m not roomed with you.”
Talking about the future, about leaving this place, about starting over…it brings me both comfort and anxiety. Wanting a fresh start but also scared that the cycle will continue even in a new place.
“I wish we could go out,” I say, trying to distract myself from the building anxiety. “I couldn’t tell you the last time I did anything fun.”
I need a distraction.
Simone lifts a mischievous brow at me. “There’s a party this weekend at—”
“No,” I cut her off. “I can’t go out anywhere around here. Everyone very much still hates my guts, and I’m not looking for more trouble.”
Simone thinks for a moment, then her face lights up like she has an idea. “We could…maybe drive down to the beach for the weekend. A little last hurrah before we finish school.”
The thought of getting away makes me pause. “Hmm…that’s actually not a bad idea.”
“I’ve never had a bad idea in my life,” Simone says playfully.
I lie back on the bed. “Thank goodness you’re eighteen and can book a room now.”
Simone looks over at me shyly. “Would…you mind maybe if Tyler came too? I don’t want it to be weird or anything. It could still be a girls’ weekend. I would just feel safer having him there.”
“Of course. I love Tyler. He can be our personal bodyguard,” I giggle. “But you’re booking two separate rooms. I don’t think I could ever look at you the same if I heard y’all…” I look around and whisper as if anyone were listening to us alone in her room, “doing it.”
Simone scrunches her face up. “Ew, I would never do it in the same room as you. That’s gross.”
I lift my hands up. “Hey…some people get off on that kind of thing.”
Simone sticks her finger in her mouth, pretending to throw up, and we both kneel over laughing.
“Do you wanna grab some stuff from your house? Pack a bag?”
“Yeah, and I’ll let Sarah and Mark know, too. They should be pretty chill about it. They’ve been telling me to get out more.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’m gonna call Tyler to tell him and get him to pick us up. I’m definitely not driving the three and a half hours there.”
“Bodyguard and chauffeur…I like it.”
Simone slaps my arm lightly, laughing. As she stands up and unlocks her phone, I feel mine buzz. I pull it out and see John’s name.
Is it bad that I haven’t even thought about him much since it happened yesterday?
I’ve thought about what happened, but not like…
him, or how he was feeling, or how he was doing.
Is that normal? I’ve only ever been with one other person before him, and that’s what I thought love felt like.
I didn’t feel anything with John other than a release…
How fucked up is that of me? I reluctantly unlock my phone to read his text.
John: How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?
I hesitate before typing out a reply.
Lydia: I’m doing okay
John: I’m sorry if we went too far, if that was too much for you too soon. Are we okay? I could come by and pick you up? We could go somewhere maybe?
Guilt stirs in me. I can’t be a cold-hearted bitch to him. He’s too sweet.
Lydia: No, it was…what I needed
Lydia: And that sounds nice…but I’m actually at Simone’s. We’re going to take a last-minute trip down to the beach for the weekend to get away before graduation
John: Oh, okay…but we’re good, right?
I’m so stupid for dragging someone else into my shit…
into my fucked up way of dealing with things.
Which tends to always be the wrong way. I really don’t want to hurt him.
It’s too fresh. I’ll just ride it out for now, and let him down easy later.
Maybe he won’t even care. He’s a guy, for crying out loud.
Don’t most of them just want to stick it in someone and move on to the next anyway?
Lydia: Yeah, we’re good
John: I really did enjoy being with you. Maybe I should have waited and made it more special for you…but just know it was special for me
Okay…maybe John isn’t that kind of guy? Feel like that’s going to make this a lot harder.
Lydia: It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted it too. It was special
John: I’ll see you when you get back, then?
Lydia: Yeah, definitely
I let my phone fall into my lap and lean my head against the headboard, closing my eyes.
“You okay?” Simone asks softly.
“Yeah,” I whisper, trying to believe it. “I’m okay.”
She squeezes my hand, and I look over at her as she gives me a small smile. “Let’s just focus on having some fun this weekend.”
I nod in silent agreement.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. At this point, I’m just constantly looking for a way to numb it all, because if I don’t stay numb…
if I focus on everything that has gone wrong in the last seventeen years, if I really begin to spiral about what’s wrong with me…
I might actually go insane. I might go too far, and finally snap mentally.
I’m sure no one would be surprised if I did.