33. Lydia
Lydia
We leave for college tomorrow, and since we’re all making it one big road trip, I’m staying with Simone tonight and riding with her family while Sarah and Mark follow with Huxley.
I grab onto Simone to steady myself, and we both burst out laughing.
“Yes ma’am!” we yell back through the tears of laughter.
We’ve been up for the last couple of hours talking about everything under the sun.
We got on the topic of how we wanted to decorate our dorm and making a vision board, and somehow ended up down a rabbit hole of insane college videos online after trying to find new inspo.
We haven’t been able to stop laughing, and apparently have been a little too loud.
It feels good to be carefree for a change—I feel good.
I’ve felt good for weeks now. I feel like a new person.
Like I’ve stepped out of my old skin and can finally breathe and smile like it’s not so foreign anymore.
Even when the darker thoughts slip in, when the anxiety gets loud, or when the nightmares still happen…
I’m able to not get stuck in them. They’re not controlling me like they used to.
* * *
Simone’s fingers glide through my hair, gently pulling sections to form two French braids as I lie in her lap. I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the way it feels and trying to stay in this happy state that feels foreign.
“So,” I start, keeping my eyes closed on her lap. “When’s Tyler coming out to Texas? No way you make it more than a week without breaking down and wanting to see him.”
Simone tugs on my braid a little, and we both laugh. “Hush! He said he’ll probably make a weekend trip once he’s settled into his dorm and stuff. And, you know, whenever basketball isn’t completely taking over his life.”
Mrs. Edwards chuckles from the driver’s seat as she glances at us through the rearview mirror. “I should have told him to take this road trip with us so he could be the one to unload y’all’s ungodly amount of luggage.”
Simone groans dramatically. “Mom, please. He doesn’t need your encouragement for bad academic behavior. He already wanted to come, and I told him I wasn’t letting him miss his training camp. It’s his freshman year. He has to make a good impression.”
“I remember those days,” her mom coos playfully. “You think the world will end if you’re apart for more than a few days.”
“Hey!” Simone protests. “We’re not that bad.”
“Yes, you absolutely are,” I say teasingly, sitting up slightly. “But it’s okay—I’m your love story’s number one fan.”
She rolls her eyes again, laughing. “Thanks, Lydia, but you’re supposed to be on my side here.”
Her dad smirks, looking back over his shoulder. “They just like giving you a hard time, Sim.”
Simone throws her head back dramatically, “You all just wait until you’re wondering why you didn’t get a wedding invitation one day.”
We all start laughing.
It all feels so easy. I truly never thought I’d feel like this again after everything. I want things to always feel this light and easy. I’m tired of being dragged into the dark. It’s a lot nicer up here on the surface.
We finally pull into a small rest stop somewhere in Alabama, and all tumble out of the car, stretching our cramped legs.
I see Sarah and Mark pull up and get out with Huxley.
He’s getting so big, so fast. I feel like I’m going to miss a lot of important years away from him at college.
I actually want to be that sister figure for him… like Camilla was for me.
Simone and I sprint inside, laughing uncontrollably as we make a beeline for the snacks, pushing each other and probably being annoying to everyone around.
Simone grabs her favorites—Hot Cheetos, peanut M&M’s, sour gummy worms, and a giant blue slushy.
I wander up and down the aisle before grabbing some chips and a soda, smiling at how simple and easy everything feels right now.
Back in the car, Simone’s parents swap seats, Mr. Edwards taking over driving duties. Simone leans forward slightly, resting her chin on the passenger seat. “Dad, how much longer till we stop for the night?”
“Probably about three more hours. We’ve got a hotel booked just outside of Jackson, Mississippi,” he says, yawning.
Simone settles back. “Alright! Mississippi here we come!”
I lean my head back against the seat, watching the scenery blur past. My stomach flutters with nerves, excitement, and something that feels like pure disbelief. This is really happening. I’m really leaving behind the only place I’ve ever known.
There’s nothing to be sad about, though. I’m leaving behind the pain, the hurt, the regrets, the grief. I don’t want to bring any of it with me.
After a quick stop for dinner, we pull into the hotel parking lot. Simone and I carry our small travel bags to the room. Her parents are right down the hall from us in their room, and Sarah, Mark, and Huxley across from them. We both collapse onto the beds, laughing and groaning at the same time.
“Road trips sound way better in theory,” Simone sighs dramatically.
“Agreed,” I say, stretching my sore muscles. “But hey, almost there. We’ll be in Texas tomorrow.”
Simone sits up abruptly, grinning. “I still can’t believe it. Us—at college. Lydia, we’re actually doing this! This is crazy! We’ve dreamed about this for how long now?”
“Way too long.”
In the morning, we’re back on the road early with fresh energy and excitement filling the car.
The hours slip by quickly with laughter and conversations about what campus life will be like, along with some juicy stories from Simone’s mom retelling her college glory days at UNCC.
I hate thinking about that place. I try to shut out the last memories I have there.
I’m trying to rewrite a lot of the memories I have lately.
I don’t want them to affect my life moving forward.
Finally, late in the afternoon, we cross into Texas. I sit up straighter, heart beating faster, eyes taking in everything—the welcome signs, the city skyline, the bustling streets passing by.
When we eventually approach the university, a familiar anxiety begins to creep in.
My chest tightens a little, wondering if my past will somehow catch up to me here, too.
I just want a fresh start. I don’t want anything to ruin this.
But as we park and start unloading our bags, I look around.
Students walk by, chatting and laughing, too absorbed in their own worlds to pay us any attention.
No one looks twice at us. The fear of anyone recognizing me or knowing my stupid, tragic story makes me feel silly all of a sudden.
The campus feels full of new possibilities, and I start to finally let myself be truly excited for all of this.
This place is new, untouched by all the things I’ve been running from.
As we walk to our dorm, Simone talks my head off beside me, her parents and Sarah and Mark trailing behind us. Everyone is carrying as many bags as they can hold.
When we step into the dorm, I pause. The room is small but…perfect. The cramped three-bed dorm that looks more like a blank canvas, ready to be filled with new memories.
“You okay?” Simone asks softly, stepping up beside me.
I look at her, unable to hide the happy, exhausted tears that want to spill over. “Yeah, just…it feels good, you know? Like I’ve waited so long for this moment, and now that it’s here, it doesn’t feel like it could possibly be real.”
Simone sets her bags down and turns to me, placing her hands on my shoulders. “This is a really special moment. Let it soak in. Memorize how you’re feeling. Let yourself be excited. You deserve this. You deserve to experience the freedom and happiness of being here.”
Simone’s mom walks up behind us as her dad throws the bags they have onto the beds and wraps us both up in a huge group hug.
“Ugh, gross.” Simone teases. As if she doesn’t live for her parents’ affection. They’re the kind of parents I want to be one day.
* * *
We finally unload the last of our bags, filling the room to the brim with our stuff.
Sarah and Mark have already said their goodbyes, needing to get Huxley back on the road, leaving us to unpack.
I’m stacking a few of my books on the shelf attached to my bed, and Simone’s parents are helping her organize something when the door swings open, a soft, bubbly voice filling the air.
“Hey!” a girl calls out cheerfully.
Simone and I both spin around, smiling at the sudden burst of energy.
Standing in the doorway is a girl with long, wavy, pale pink hair, beautiful, glowing skin, the most striking features—soft but sharp at the same time—that make her look a little edgy, and an aura that must make everyone she meets instantly want to flock to her.
She just has that thing about her. Same thing that Simone has.
That thing that makes it impossible for you not to like them right away. That thing I’ve always wished I had.
She’s beautiful, though. Filipino descent, if I had to take a guess, maybe mixed with something else. She’s only said one word, but I’m already obsessed with her…whoever she is.
“Are you guys my roommates?” she asks, eyes sparkling with excitement.
Typical dorms here are only doubles, but with overcrowding, they contacted us during the summer and asked us to take in another roommate, and we said why not? The more the merrier.
“Room 213?” Simone asks.
The girl looks down at her paper and then back up at us with a smile. “Yup!”
“Then yes, we are! I’m Simone, and this is Lydia,” Simone says, pointing back at me.
“Lelani,” she introduces herself, stepping forward to hug us both. “But everyone just calls me Lani.”
She steps back, studying us briefly before smiling brightly. “Wait, so you guys know each other already?”
Simone nods. “Yeah, we’ve been best friends since middle school.”
“Ugh!” Lani dramatically sighs, throwing herself back onto the last empty bed. “Now I’m jealous. I’m totally gonna be the third wheel around here.”
“No way!” I say quickly.
Simone shakes her head with mock seriousness. “Absolutely not. Are you crazy? We’re all roomies, so by default, we’re all best friends now.”
Lani tilts her head, amused. “Really?”
“Yup,” Simone says, shrugging. “I didn’t make the rules. They just are what they are.”
I hear Simone’s parents laugh over on the other side of the room. They know their daughter, and they know she could make friends with the wall if she wanted to.
I chuckle softly and look toward Lani. “Honestly, that’s how she got me. She just told me we were best friends the first time we met, and then boom, inseparable ever since.”
Lani stares at us for a moment, a smile tugging at her lips. “Okay, love that.”
We laugh together, and then Lani stands from her bed. “I’m gonna grab the rest of my stuff,” she says, moving towards the door.
“Oh, are your parents here? Do you need any help?” Simone asks casually.
Lani’s expression falls slightly, a hint of sadness in her eyes at the mention of her parents. “Nah, I flew in from Cali alone. My parents couldn’t really come with me, so…it’s just me. My brother is on campus too, but his schedule was packed today.”
My chest tightens as I watch her. I can’t tell if the look she gives is from a strained relationship or from missing her parents.
My own emptiness feels glaring again. Most days, I would tell you losing my parents didn’t affect me as much as everything else in my life probably has.
But most days I’d probably be a liar. I shake off the dip in my mood from the reminder of where and who I came from, not wanting anyone to notice the shift.
Simone quickly gestures toward her parents, standing quietly near her bed. “Well, Lani, this is my mom and dad. They’ve been helping us unpack a little. We all road-tripped here together from North Carolina.”
Lani lights up again, shaking their hands and greeting them with a smile before turning back to us. “So cool! That’s crazy, we’re literally from opposite sides of the country!”
Simone’s parents smile gently and tell us they’re going to grab the rest of the bags from the car. As they step out, Simone loops her arm through mine, and Lani leads us out into the hallway.
“You guys really don’t have to help,” Lani starts, but Simone cuts her off playfully.
“Oh, hush. That’s what roomies do!”
As we walk slightly behind Lani, Simone leans over to me, whispering, “How are you feeling? You good?”
I take a deep breath, taking it all in. “Actually…yeah. I’m good—really good.”