38. Bash #2
By the time class ends, my chest feels hollowed out, my heart exposed. I hate it.
How am I supposed to be a therapist one day if I still can’t work through my own emotions?
I need some air.
I quickly throw my bag over my shoulder and make my way out of the building. I’m halfway across campus when I see Mason and Erik waving at me.
“Yo! Bash!” Mason calls out.
I lift my hand in a halfhearted wave.
By the time I reach them, I’ve managed to plaster on a fake smile, playing the part of the guy who has it all together, the one who cracks jokes, keeps it light, and doesn’t allow anyone to see when he’s barely holding it together.
Sometimes I feel stupid for feeling this way.
Boo-hoo, your sister killed herself four years ago. Move on. It shouldn’t still be able to control you like this.
There’s just too many feelings wrapped up in it, though—hurt, guilt, emptiness, anger—so much anger. Anger for what she went through, anger for the people that caused it, anger for it being partly my fault. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop blaming myself. I don’t know how.
Erik daps me up, and then Mason does the same.
It’s easy to pretend. Especially around them.
It’s easy to get lost in conversations, and in college life, just enough to push the thoughts aside majority of the time.
When I didn’t have enough of those distractions, that’s when I would turn to alcohol, women, and the occasional nose candy.
But now I try to turn to my friends and to God…
and as great as that may sound in theory, it’s still hard.
I still struggle with wanting to numb. I still struggle with my faith.
I’m still learning to trust his plan for me.
I just wish the process didn’t have to hurt so much.
I thought that when I turned away from the self-destructive behaviors, he would just reward me with the peace of mind I was craving.
But now I feel even more tested and stretched to my limits since I can’t run from it all anymore.
I’m not giving up hope, though, and I don’t want to keep feeding into the fear and anxiety I struggle with.
I’m just…tired. I know I have to be patient and keep doing the work and staying in the Word, trying to understand it all.
Healing isn’t some magic wand you find and wave, making it all disappear. Sadly.
We all walk together toward the dining hall, cutting through the middle of campus. It’s still early, so most students are scrambling to get to classes, and everyone else is meeting up and making plans for the weekend.
Ahead of us, there’s a group of girls. They’re laughing loudly in that easy, unbothered way.
One of them has pink hair, which is what made me notice them in the first place, but I wasn’t really paying any attention to them until one of them—the tall one in the middle—suddenly stopped.
We all almost crash into them. Mason mutters something under his breath, and we all sidestep to avoid running right into them.
As we walk around, I feel this pull that I can’t ignore.
I reluctantly turn and lock eyes with one of the girls—black hair, green eyes, and the most stunning face I’ve ever seen.
I’ve literally never seen anyone that I felt intoxicated just by looking at before.
I didn’t mean to be a creep, but I couldn’t help but stare for a moment, just taking her in.
I swallow the weird feeling, turn back around, and keep walking with the guys.
But I can’t stop her face from being burned into my memory.
I see Erik looking back like he saw a ghost. Could he have been looking at the same girl?
I end up grabbing some grilled chicken and steamed veggies from the dining hall—sad food for my sad mood.
Erik and Mason are talking about classes, girls, sports, and the usual spiel from Erik trying to convince Mason to come to the bible study group with us.
I stay quiet, just listening to them, nodding when appropriate, and still attempting to stop the spiraling thoughts that the last couple of days and class have left me with.
Erik eventually says something, because it’s Erik, and he always notices, which I love him for, but it’s kind of annoying when I don’t even know what’s wrong enough myself to be able to explain it to someone else.
“You good, Bash?”
I stop mindlessly pushing the food around my plate and look up at him. “Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m good.”
“You’re too quiet today. Seriously, what’s up with you?”
“Nothing—I mean, it’s just the normal stress of school that has me a little distracted. Class was a lot today, that’s all.”
“You need a break, man,” Mason says, shoving a handful of fries into his mouth.
“Probably.”
“You should come to the Greek mixer tonight. One of the best parties of the year. The sorority girls always go big for the new pledges.”
Erik nudges Mason. “You think a frat party is a good idea for him right now?”
I give Erik a flat look. “I do have self-control, you know? I’ve been to parties since being sober…and look—still sober.”
Mason points his hands out to me. “Exactly. Plus, he’s the perfect DD when he comes to parties now. And I make sure to drink twice as much in his honor.”
“Real classy,” Erik tells him.
Mason nods like he’s proud. “And I flirt with all the girls to keep them away from him.”
Erik laughs at that. “Might end up having the opposite effect. They’ll end up running straight into his arms just to get away from you.”
We all laugh at that, and then Mason tries to straighten his face like he just realized he should be offended by that. “Hey! The ladies love me.”
“Whatever you say man.”
“As fun as that sounds,” I tell Mason. “I actually have some schoolwork to catch up on tonight, so I’m going to have to skip out this time.”
Honestly, I’m not in the mood to be at a party.
I just want to be back in my dorm, where I can be alone.
A party sounds like the last place I need to be.
I’ve still been able to go to a couple of parties since being sober and not have any issues, but I know when I’m in a state like this, a party and what comes along with it is too much of a temptation—the unhealthy ways I used to numb these feelings and turn off the thoughts are too accessible and at my fingertips in that environment.
I know when I can handle it, and when I should stay away.
And right now, my spirit is definitely urging me to stay away.
“Alright, man, but if you get tired of studying for that boring brain degree, you know where to come.”