43. Lydia
Lydia
When I wake up to my phone buzzing, I’m in my bed, in my dorm.
I don’t even remember leaving Atlas’s place or coming home last night.
I answer the phone, trying to sound normal.
“Hello?”
“Hey! I just wanted to wish you luck on your midterms,” Sarah says over the phone. She sounds so…awake.
I yawn, still trying to get my bearings. “Oh, morning, Sarah. Thank you. I’m just waking up, getting ready for them soon.”
“I won’t keep you then. Just wanted to check in and tell you good luck. Let me know how they go, okay?”
“Okay, I will. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Talk to you later, sweetheart.”
I hang up, trying to get my eyes fully open still.
That high was so…different. So peaceful.
Mostly because I just remember feeling nothing.
Plus, I feel fine this morning. I really expected to wake up feeling shitty, but I’m pleasantly surprised.
I look over and see Lani and Simone still sleeping.
When I go to get up, I feel slightly sluggish, but nothing crazy.
Nothing like the comedown from Molly. Maybe a little obvious brain fog and tiredness, but nothing an Adderall can’t fix before my tests today.
Speaking of Adderall…I look around, spotting the jeans I wore last night, and pick them up.
I pull out the little zip-lock bag from the pocket and see that there are several Xans in it now, along with the Adderall.
Always coming through for your girl, Atlas. Thaaank you.
I smile and tuck the bag underneath my mattress. Once the girls wake up, we all start getting ready for the long day ahead of us.
“Thank goodness today is the last day of midterms,” Lani drawls out. “I need a damn break.”
“I second that,” I say, walking over to my dresser and pulling out clothes for the day.
“Where did you go last night?” Simone asks, watching me from her bed.
I pause, quickly trying to remember the lie I had planned.
“Oh, yeah. I was…at a late-night study group at one of the girls’ dorms that’s in my intro to sociology class.
I needed to jam in some last-minute studying before today.
It’s the test I’ve been feeling the least ready for.
” I try laughing lightly so I sound casual and she hopefully believes the lie…
‘Cause that’s all I got. Don’t ask me for any more details.
She gives me a mindless nod. “Oh, that’s good. So you’re ready for today?”
“Sure, yeah…I hope so.”
Lani butts in, thankfully changing the subject. “Are we still all going to the party together tonight?”
“Yeah,” Simone answers. “Tyler still has his midterms for a couple more days, and then he’s coming to visit, so I need some girl time before then.”
“Same. I mean…without the Tyler part,” I say, laughing. “Just the needing girl time part.”
Both Lani and Simone laugh too.
“Okay, cool. We can all get ready together and leave from here? My brother said he’s meeting me there…because apparently I need a babysitter or whatever.”
“Sounds good.”
We all throw on the most comfortable clothes we have, none of us caring to try to look cute, just to be stuck in a room all day testing.
As we all go to walk out together, I let both Lani and Simone walk out of the door before I turn around and go back in, telling them I need to grab my phone.
I quickly lean down beside my bed and slip my hand under the mattress, finding the bag and tucking it into the front pocket of my hoodie.
We walk across campus together, stopping at a coffee shop near our classes. I grab a decaf coffee, hoping they don’t notice. I don’t really like the jittery feeling I get when drinking caffeine and taking Adderall at the same time.
We all hug and say goodbye as we walk in different directions to our classes.
When I’m in my building, I head upstairs, stopping at the bathroom before heading in.
I slip into one of the stalls and put my coffee on top of the toilet paper dispenser.
I take the bag and shake out one of the blue pills, popping it into my mouth and then swallowing it down with a sip of my lukewarm coffee.
I flush the toilet to seem normal and head out of the stall, washing my hands at the sink and rubbing them against my sweatpants as I walk out.
Thankfully, it kicks in pretty quickly, usually within like thirty minutes or so, which ended up being perfect timing for when we start testing.
I’m relieved when I finally finish, almost two hours later. Not my best work, but I think I at least passed. I’ll take that.
* * *
Lani is playing DJ in our dorm as we’re all getting ready.
S.L.U.T. by Bea Miller plays through the Bluetooth speaker, and before I can register what’s actually playing, it pulls me back to a time I really wish I could fucking forget.
You know how you can hear a song and your brain associates it with a place or time or feeling?
It can make you physically feel like you’re back in whatever memory it holds.
I know I’m in our dorm room right now, but I’m standing in the parking lot of Ardrey Kell High School, staring at a boy who’s asking me to prom.
A boy who kept breaking me and then promising to fix me back up, over and over and over again…
until he was so broken himself that he knew the only way to make sure I never let go of him was to leave me with the most permanent and fucked up scar he could manage to give me.
“Lyd!” Simone shouts, and it snaps me back into the moment.
I look down at her sitting on the floor in front of the mirror, staring at me.
“Huh?”
“Are you okay? You looked like you spaced out for a second.”
I clear my throat, still trying to shake the memories. “Uh, yeah, was just…thinking about something, that’s all. What did you say?”
She studies me for a second before accepting that half-truth. “I said, do you know what you’re wearing?”
“Actually…no. I don’t. I was just gonna wing it, but…I mean, if you would like to—”
“Oh my gosh! Yes!” Simone squeals, jumping up from the floor.
Lani shakes her head, laughing at Simone.
“Nothing too crazy or…frilly,” I tell her, scrunching my nose up.
“Shh! Let me work my magic,” she tells me, already going through the dresses she has hanging up on a rack in the middle of the room.
She pulls out a tiny red mini dress with thin straps.
“I…don’t know, Simone—”
“Just try it on, Lyd! Give it a chance.”
Once I’m in the dress, I walk over to the mirror with both Lani and Simone standing behind me.
“Wow,” Lani whispers.
“That bad?” I ask, staring at myself, smoothing down the dress as if that will make me more comfortable in it.
“Bad?” Lani asks, like that was the dumbest question. “Lyd, you really don’t show off how hot you are enough. If I had this body, I would never wear the baggy shit you wear most of the time.”
I roll my eyes. “Excuse me, I wear dresses all the time.”
“Black ones that hide…all of this,” Simone says, waving a hand up and down my body.
“That’s it. I’m changing. I’m too uncomfortable—”
“Absolutely not!” they both shout at me.
I sigh. “Fine…then get me some shoes, and let’s get the hell out of here before I change my mind.”
Neither one protests. Simone grabs a pair of heels and hands them to me to put on.
They both grab their purses, and I get up and grab my phone, watching and waiting for them to be turned around.
Once they’re distracted, I grab the bag of Xans and—without having any other option here—I slip the bag into the front band of my thong.
As soon as we walk into the house party, I pull the girls to the closest table with any alcohol available, grabbing a shot for each of us and cheersing with them. The burn feels like coming home, and I welcome it, clouded with the desire to find that escape tonight.
We only get two drinks in before one of Simone’s sorority sisters spots her and pulls her away from us.
Lani and I are left dancing and taking several more shots together, and right as I’m hitting that sweet spot I love, Lani leans in and tells me she’s going to go find her brother and come back.
I wave her off, lost in the beat, swaying and trying to turn off the lingering thoughts from earlier.
She’s not gone for long when those thoughts start to grow louder, and I no longer have a distraction around to pull me away from them.
I move my hands down to my hips, pretending to be running my hands along my body as I’m dancing, so it doesn’t look obvious as I check to feel that the pills are still there.
I look around to see if Lani or Simone are close by, but they’re nowhere in sight.
I slip out of the crowd and into the first empty room I can find, desperate to bring back that feeling from last night.
It was the most calming and relaxing high I’ve felt, like my nervous system could finally take a break.
I take one of the pills out, sealing the rest back up and placing them in the band of my underwear again.
I look around, having to make do with whatever I can find in here.
When I see a paperweight on the small desk in the corner, I grab it and start to break the pill down until it’s fully powder now.
I take a random receipt paper and roll it up.
Leaning down, I snort the entire line in one motion, impressed with myself.
I brush the leftover powder off the dresser and stumble back, feeling off balance.
It hits faster tonight. Maybe the alcohol is making its effects quicker, and maybe… I should have stuck to a half.
Oh well, now.
I try to right myself, but can’t. I’m too dizzy. My legs hit the bed frame behind me, and I fall backwards onto it. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember what I was trying to forget about. I shrug to myself and smile.
Guess it did the trick then.
I drop my arms beside me, close my eyes, and float away. I didn’t even know the door had opened until I felt someone watching me.
“Sorry,” a guy says. “Thought this was a bathroom.”