Lydia #2
Eli’s voice quickly replaces Atlas’s—all the cruel and disgusting things he could say to me, while simultaneously telling me how much he loved me.
The way he could make me feel so small and so unworthy of him.
The way I would always come crawling back, begging for a fix, begging for his love, begging him to stab me again.
I hear Simone’s voice, the way she has always, always stood by me. The way I’ve weaponized my hurt and my pain and have always thrown it back in her face.
I think about Lani’s hands on my cheeks on the porch at that party. How angry and terrified she was.
I think about how much I miss Camilla until it rips something open inside of me, and my throat starts burning, trying not to say her name out loud, trying to breathe through the tears.
I could be with her…
All I have to do is stop being here…and I’d be back with her.
As I stare out at the night sky through the window, I can’t help but let out this small, bitter laugh, wondering if there’s really a God out there beyond the sky, beyond the stars.
I mean, this world works too perfectly to be from just some stupid big bang, right?
Something had to choreograph the way oceans breathe.
The way the leaves turn over and beg for water when a storm comes in.
The way spiderwebs string raindrops like Christmas lights.
The way wounds knit themselves back together like it’s a dance they were born knowing.
The way seasons circle back like second chances.
The way the sun always rises with every new day, whether we deserve it to or not.
Everything down to the smallest details on this planet works so effortlessly together to sustain life. We’re the ones who came along and fucked up the perfect balance of it all. We destroyed the beauty in this world. We’ve never deserved any of it.
It feels like there’s no accidental way it all just…works. But if there is a God, why hasn’t He ever talked to me? Why have I never heard Him the way people always talk about hearing God? Why did He never show up when I begged, when I cried, when I pleaded for things to get better?
My voice sounds so small in the empty room as I speak to no one. “If there’s a heaven out there, please let me make it in. I just want to know what that kind of peace feels like…I can’t keep doing this.”
Every day feels like torture. Like my mind is a prison I’m desperate to escape.
I unlock my phone, and it lights up with a stack of notifications from Lani and Simone. I open the text thread for Simone and start typing, knowing I have so much to say to her that I’ll never get to.
Lydia: I love you Simone. I’m sorry. For all of it.
For making you carry me for years. For the times I disappeared when you needed me, and the times I showed up only needing you.
You have always been the best thing life has given me, and I hate that I treated you like a safety net instead of a person sometimes.
You were my home when I didn’t have one.
I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve hurt you with my words, with my silence, and with my chaos.
None of that was your fault. None of this is your fault.
You are the purest heart I’ve ever known.
If there are angels on earth, you are the proof.
I always thought of you as my guardian angel, and I don’t deserve you.
I love you more than I’ve ever known how to put into words.
Please don’t be sad when you think about me.
You were the light in my darkness. Thank you for keeping me alive as long as you did
I hit send before I can take any of it back, sealing my decision, and then open Lani’s thread.
Lydia: Thank you for loving me loudly. For calling me out and calling me in. I know I’ve made it hard to be my friend sometimes, yet you were brave enough to try anyway. You saved me more times than you know. I’m sorry. I love you, always
I can’t make myself send anything to Sarah or Mark. I can’t leave them with more disappointments. I just pray they know how much they gave me, how much love they showed me, even when I didn’t know how to receive it or trust it.
The room holds its breath, and so do I.
I set the phone face down on my chest and take the bottle out.
My hands don’t even shake. That scares me a little…
but it also…doesn’t at the same time? I thought I’d be afraid, but I’m not.
There’s this strange excitement washing over me—hope, maybe?
For whatever quiet comes next. Maybe there’s a door on the other side with some untainted, pure happiness behind it…
Hell, maybe there’s nothing…but nothing sounds like rest, too.
I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling lights until they go starry. Making the choice I can’t come back from. I swallow, pushing death down my throat with a couple of sips of water, lying back, and just waiting.
The room tilts, slowly at first, like a boat in rough water.
My limbs get heavy and farther away. My vision swims, going soft and blurry, then I can’t really see anything at all before my vision comes back.
I’m cold, then hot, then I can’t feel much.
A wave of nausea rolls through me as my tongue forgets where to go, feeling weird in my mouth, and then it gets numb.
My hands don’t feel like mine anymore; they feel detached from my body.
My phone buzzes again, and I ignore it as it tries to force my heart to keep pumping.
I stare at the night through the window.
The sky looks like the ocean from here. I blink, and then it looks like nothing.
The couch is slowly swallowing me, and the darkness feels gentle for once.
Not mean or loud like it normally does. The phone won’t stop buzzing.
I want to tell it thank you for trying, but I’m okay now.
I don’t need its help. I want to go. My eyes close, open, close again.
The world as I knew it fades away little by little.
I wish I could have stayed. I wish my brain could have let me have peace while I was alive.
There are so many things I wish were different.
There are so many things I think I would have done differently. But I can’t think anymore…
All I can do is let go—