Chapter Twelve Kami #2
Those words stung. They hurt like daggers plunging into my heart. And I was furious, and the fury blazed, but it also gave me strength, the strength to tell that asshole he’d better watch who he was talking to. I pushed him again, and he grabbed my wrists.
“You didn’t seem to care much about your brother the other night. You were begging for it!”
“Because I’m a piece of shit! I told you I don’t deserve you, and that’s why! Nobody should love me! Not even my brother!”
“I guess that’s supposed to be some kind of justification?”
“Kami, you can do better, I know it,” he said, still holding me tightly. “Prove to me that I didn’t fall in love with the wrong person.”
He didn’t let me say anything else. He didn’t let me push him or punch him or kiss him. Nothing. He let me go, turned around, and walked off.
***
Guilt plagued me as I walked into the cafeteria and saw Taylor.
How could I? How could I have just cheated on him like it was nothing?
What was wrong with me? Thiago was right: I was a bad person.
I wished he had put it in different words, but he was right.
I didn’t deserve to be with Taylor. It was natural for him to look out for his brother.
I needed to become someone better. I needed to change.
And I would. But could I do it without Taylor?
“Hey, blondie,” he said as I walked over to his table. “I went ahead and got you a tray. I was worried they’d shut down the line before you got here.”
There I was, fantasizing about his brother while he was worried about whether I would get anything to eat.
“Thanks,” I said, sitting down next to him. I couldn’t help but notice all of our friends, even Ellie, were sitting elsewhere.
“I wanted to be alone with you,” he said, pulling me in for a quick kiss.
Tensely, I told him, “Listen, I don’t want you cutting yourself off from the group for my sake. I don’t mind eating alone, honestly.”
“I’d never let you eat alone,” he said, shocked by the idea.
He didn’t deny that it was my fault they didn’t want to sit with him. I was an outcast now, and his being with me made him an outcast too. Taylor didn’t deserve that, dammit. He deserved to be the center of attention, the life of the party, the king of the dance floor.
“What’s up with you?” he asked me. He could tell I was being distant. Of course I was. I was a million miles away. “Ellie said something was wrong…”
“I’m fine.”
“Hey!” I heard Julian coming up behind us. When I turned to see him, I noticed a huge smile on his face as he pointed outside. “Snow!” He said it so loudly, everyone in the cafeteria turned their heads.
And it was true. Outside we could see the first snowflakes of the year swirling slowly to the ground, beautiful against the gray sky. Taylor smiled just as some kid I didn’t know climbed up on a table and shouted, “No school tomorrow,” and the whole cafeteria broke into whistles and applause.
Everyone was celebrating. The Bonfire Fest was one of the oldest traditions in town and was always held the day after the first snow, even if it meant canceling classes.
The cafeteria turned to chaos. People mulled around from table to table, chatting, laughing, and planning what they would do the next day.
The happiness was so contagious, even I felt a little bit better.
“So…see you at the Bonfire Fest?” Julian asked, brimming with excitement as he sat down across from us.
“For sure,” I said. But then I remembered something. “Shit! I have to help Mrs. Mill bake cakes and cookies. I forgot she asked me to lend a hand for the festival.”
That was part of the tradition: local businesses donated food, sweets, and drinks, and everything was free for all the townspeople.
“So you’re not going to be there?” Taylor asked, disappointed.
“I’m sure Mrs. Mill is planning to have everything ready by morning. I’ll be there, I promise.”
“Cool!”
“So we’ll all hang out tomorrow?” Julian asked, looking at me enthusiastically.
“Sure…” I replied.
Taylor announced that he’d bring the booze. “It’s supposed to be a party, isn’t it?”
Julian frowned in response. He asked if I’d be drinking too, and I said that if someone got me a cup of mulled wine from Leo’s, I wouldn’t refuse it.
“That’s my girl.” Taylor kissed me on the cheek and stood up. He wanted to talk to his friends. “You gonna stay here with this dude?” he asked, referring to Julian.
Julian was still scowling, but he didn’t seem to register Taylor’s nasty tone in reference to him.
“Yeah, I’ll stay here with my friend,” I said. After Taylor had left, I took a bite of my sandwich and turned back to Julian. I started talking about how much fun the bonfire would be. Anything to avoid thinking about what had happened with Thiago a few minutes before.
“Listen, Kam,” Julian murmured, leaning across the table so only I could hear him. “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but…” He looked around to both sides.
“What?” I asked, curious and a little cautious.
“I heard you earlier.” He was looking me straight in the eye.
I tensed. “You heard what?” I was trying to buy time to make excuses, to come up with something that might justify my argument with Thiago and how I had cheated on his brother…with him.
“I heard you with Thiago, honey.” He shrugged.
“Not like it takes a genius to figure out something’s been going on between you two.
I had left something in my locker and was going back for it, but then I stopped at the door when I heard you.
You’re lucky it was me; anyone else and y’all would be screwed. ”
Suddenly it dawned on me that if what we’d done got out, Taylor wouldn’t be the only one upset about it. If the principal heard, Thiago would lose his job, and then what would he do?
“Julian…” I could feel the palms of my hands starting to sweat.
“Relax,” he said with a gentle smile. “I told you, I saw this coming, but you need to be careful, Kamila.” He’d never called me by my full name before, and it sounded strange coming from his mouth, distant.
“People hate you now, and they’re not going to like it when they find out you’re hooking up with both brothers—the two hottest guys at the school.
Trust me, it won’t make you popular; they’ll use it to tear you down. ”
People hate you now…
I looked around.
How had I ended up so alone?
I stood, and Julian took my hand.
“Babe,” he said, stroking my palm, “I’m telling you all this for your own good. I’m not judging you. Fuck, I understand. Who wouldn’t struggle to choose between those two? But you need to watch out…”
“I know,” I said, trying not to cry. “And thanks. I’m gonna go. I’ve got to finish my math homework.” I didn’t wait for an answer. I just turned around and walked out, feeling the stares of the other students on my back like a firing squad taking aim at me.
***
I didn’t want Taylor and Thiago to give me a ride home. As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my books and ran out. It was a long walk, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even care that it was cold and snowing.
I sent Taylor a message telling him I’d gotten a ride with Julian and that I’d see him the next day, and I took a path into the woods.
There was snow everywhere, on the ground, weighing down the branches of the trees, and I was able to admire the beauty of it despite the chaos in my life.
The solitude helped me think. To reflect.
To try to figure out what I wanted and what I needed.
It was obvious my feelings for both guys were real.
But was it normal to fall in love with two guys at once?
Was I in love with Thiago? What I felt for him was more physical, a hopeless attraction that made me want to lose control, whereas Taylor…
Taylor made me feel all kinds of things.
Safe, protected, loved, valued, attractive… Taylor made me feel special, dammit.
What had happened with Thiago was the accumulation of suppressed rage and an intense physical attraction, but all that could fizzle out.
Whereas Taylor… I didn’t want things to end with him. I didn’t want to give him up.
Who was Thiago to make me feel the way he had in the gym? He was worse than I was. But love and attraction didn’t follow any rules.
Everything we’d always been taught was correct had changed now.
Traditionally, it was only acceptable for one man and one woman to fall in love.
And now look how much things had changed…
Women could fall in love with other women, men with other men…
Now there was polyamory, throuples, bisexuality.
Was it so bad, then, to have feelings for two guys?
I knew I wasn’t a bad person. I’d made my mistakes, but at the same time, how can what you feel be mistaken?
Feelings aren’t rational; they know no laws.
Feelings are feelings; they exist and that’s that.
And there’s nothing you can do to make them magically vanish.
Control them, maybe; hide them, sure; but judge them?
I wasn’t going to let anyone make me feel bad because I had feelings for two amazing guys.
But I wasn’t going to be self-serving and try to justify what I’d done either.
I had a right to my feelings, and nobody could criticize me for them, but what I’d done with Thiago had been wrong.
Really, what I was doing with both of them was wrong because I was betraying them both: one to his face and the other behind his back.
I hadn’t arrived at any real conclusions by the time I got home, I was just more confused and colder than ever. But that wasn’t the worst thing. Nope, it was the car I saw parked in the driveway.
Please, no.
Even as I stuck the key in the lock, I was hesitant. I could always turn back. I could go sleep in the tree house. I probably wouldn’t freeze to death, right?
“Kamila!” That voice. It was like nails on a chalkboard, and I heard it even before the door opened. “You honestly thought it was a good idea to walk all the way across town in this weather?”
My grandmother. My mother’s mother. There she was before me, with her bleached-blond hair pulled back in an elegant bun, her face stretched tight after who knew how many facelifts, her black pants and her cashmere sweater with those pearls she probably didn’t even take off to get in the shower…
“Grandma,” I said, wanting to run away. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean, what am I doing here? Helping your mother, obviously. Now get in here before you catch cold.”
I shut the door behind me, asking, “Where’s Grandpa?” as I looked around.
“Your grandfather couldn’t come this time.
It’s just me,” she responded with a frown.
“Kamila, your mother’s a wreck. I thought you’d be old enough to start to shoulder some of the burden, but according to her, all you think about is yourself, and you’re acting like a spoiled brat.
Did you forget you’re an eighteen-year-old woman now? ”
“Grandma…” I said, taking off my jacket, but she interrupted me.
“Don’t you dare Grandma me. I came here to help you crawl out of the black hole your father got you all into, and we’re going to get started right away. To begin with, you will quit your job at that dinky little café.”
I paused on my way up to my room. “I won’t, but thanks for the suggestion,” I said, unable to believe I was stuck there arguing with a version of my mom from the 1980s.
“You will, or else your grandfather and I won’t be paying for your college. You’re planning on going to Yale—you should be studying, not working!”
“I don’t want your money!”
“How do you plan on paying for school then?”
“There are scholarships. In fact, I’ve already planned on applying for one.”
My mother appeared through the kitchen door. “There’s no point in trying, Mom, it’s like talking to a brick wall.”
“Yeah, well, this brick wall needs to get some shut-eye,” I said. I cared so little at this point, I wasn’t even offended.
“It’s almost dinnertime!” my grandmother said, crossing her arms. “And this conversation is not over, little lady!”
I didn’t answer. I just went to my room, shut the door, and locked it. Then I sat down at my desk, took out my sketch pad, and started to draw. Art had always been my therapy. No matter what happened, it was there for me. Canvas, paper—even a napkin would do—and a pen, a pencil, or paint.
After an hour, I had drawn an image of a girl, tears streaming down a face uncannily similar to my own.
I looked up, and there was Thiago looking at me from his window.
It was almost as if he had tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.
I held his gaze for a moment. Then I decided this was enough.
Thiago had toyed with me. He had tested me.
He had taken advantage of my feelings, and then he’d tried to make me feel guilty for it.
I couldn’t believe he’d dared to tell me to leave his brother alone because I wasn’t good enough for him.
I was exhausted from thinking about it. I raised my hand, flipped him off, and pulled my curtains shut.
Thiago Di Bianco wasn’t going to tell me what I could and couldn’t do.
He was probably the last person in the world who had the right to do so.