Chapter 3
Khenji
I crank up the Lambo and on the drive home, I relive everything about Livia Augustus. Her eyes – they enchant me even now. Her scent has left me longing. Her voice stirs my newfound desires. The way she laughs brings me joy. She’s affected me so much, my stomach is still in knots when I punch in the code to my door. I toss my keys on the entryway table and take the stairs up to my bedroom. I strip out of my clothes and walk into the bathroom, where I stand and look at myself in the mirror. The welts on my chest from childhood abuse remain. They are a reminder of who I am.
I place a hand over my heart. The quick beating has slowed somewhat, but it’s not the same. She’s here. A woman I don’t know has found her way inside of me. This was never supposed to happen. It’s never happened before. Why now? Why her?
In a rage, I scream and punch the mirror, shattering it to pieces. I fall to the floor like the ball of nothing that I am and proceed to curl up there while my hand bleeds. I cry, but not because of any physical pain. I learned how to absorb pain a long time ago. It’s the mental things that torture me – the images of my mother I can’t forget. The way my father hurt her. The way he hurt me.
And now this? I—I can’t do this to her. I can’t.
Why, God? Why? I can’t do this to her. I can’t do this to her. I can’t. I can’t.
I rock back and forth and attempt to dry my eyes, smearing blood on my face in the process. I reach for a bath towel and wrap my hand in it.
She’s too good for me. She’s innocent. She doesn’t deserve this. But how am I supposed to leave her alone now? When she’s—when she’s touched me so deeply. What am I supposed to do?
I break down emotionally because I know I’m in no shape to be with a woman – hence the reason I’m thirty-seven and single. I can get any woman I want. I just chose not to. But this time – and with this woman – I’m powerless to make the choice whether to pursue her. She’s reached inside of me and claimed her place. The choice has already been made.
I’ve never been a believer in love at first sight, but how can I deny it now that it’s happened to me? I love this woman. I don’t know her and I love her.
In my weakened state, I use the wall to help myself up and make my way to the shower. I wash the blood off of my hands and stand there beneath the water in tears. Literal tears. I’m six feet five, one hundred and ninety-five pounds of pure muscle. My house cost fifteen million dollars. I drive exotic cars. My net worth is one billion. And here I stand in tears.
The money is a fa?ade to hide who I really am and where I come from. I’ve never been happy. Even now I’m standing in the shower in tears. I’m broken. But this time, I’m in pain for her – for Livia – because as strong as I am, I’m powerless to stop my pursuit of her. I want to for her sake. She doesn’t need a man like me. She’s too perfect. She’s an angel. And the truly messed up part is, I walked out and left her in the café alone and even then, I knew it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her. I had already decided that.
I get out of the shower, dry off and throw on a pair of boxers. I bandage my hand and call Delton. It’s three in the morning, but I’m in a bad way and so far, in my twisted, messed-up life, he’s the only person who understands me.
“Khenji?” he answers, sounding groggy. I’m sure I woke him.
“I need to talk to you.”
He yawns. “What’s wrong, man?”
“I—um…”
“Hey, Khenji, are you having an episode? Talk to me, man.”
“No, I’m not. I—you know—I went to the mixer.”
“Okay. You could’ve told me that at a decent hour, bruh. I’ma get back to sleep. Call me in the morning.”
“No, wait. I sort of met someone,” I say, sounding panicky because I am.
“You did?”
“Yes. She’s uh…she’s an angel. She’s beautiful. She’s everything I shouldn’t have and that’s how I know I should have never gone there. I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this. Now, I’m screwed.”
Delton yawns again. “How are you screwed, Khenji? You obviously like this woman if you’re calling me at three in the morning to talk about her.”
“I do like her, but I can’t like her. You know that.”
“I’ma tell you what I know. I know you deserve happiness like everybody else. There’s no need to shut yourself off in that mansion from the rest of the world, hoping to be invisible enough to live under the radar. You’ve amassed great wealth for yourself. You’re not invisible, so stop living like it. Live your life. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There’s plenty wrong with me.”
“It’s all in your head, Khen. You’re a good dude.”
“I’m not, and I can’t—I can’t do this to her. I’ll end up hurting her the same way dad hurt mom. That’s who I am. That’s who I’m a product of. How can I be with her when I don’t know how? I know abuse. I know violence. I know nothing about love. I should just stay the way I am.”
“And how has that been working for you?”
“It’s been working fine.”
“You’re the only thirty-seven-year-old billionaire I know who doesn’t have a life. You’re a recluse. You don’t talk to people. You stay up in that house and if you’re not there, you’re at work. What exactly are you doing with your life?”
“I’m living a safe, quiet life in a way that I can’t ruin anyone else’s.”
“Let me ask the question again—what are you doing with your life, Khen? Waiting to die?”
I draw in a breath to help alleviate my frustration and reply, “I understand the absence of a woman in my life means I have no life to you. To the world. But I have a life. I do. I do whatever I want. I eat at five-star restaurants that ninety-five percent of the world can’t afford. I travel. I’ve been to more countries than there are states, and—”
“And you traveled to those countries alone, did you not? You eat at those fancy restaurants alone, don’t you? You’re right, man. You do whatever you want. Alone. See where I’m going here?”
I stop for a moment to think about how all those trips would’ve felt with Livia by my side. Then I quickly snap out of it, regain my common sense and respond, “Some people were meant to be alone.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Jesus was alone.”
He grins. “Oh my God, Khenji. You’re killing me, man. Are you really comparing yourself to Jesus?”
“No. I’m just stating a fact.”
“Yeah, and Jesus was sent to save the world, bruh. The only person you have to save is yourself, and with your success and all the time you’ve spent getting yourself together, I don’t know why that’s so difficult.”
“It’s not, but…”
I digress. I hate it when I talk to him and he doesn’t understand my perspective – not that he has to agree with me on everything, but on some things, he should be able to empathize.
I say, “I’ve never met a woman like her. I feel like we had this otherworldly connection. Like she’s inside of me.”
“Wait—what the heck does that even mean, Khenji?”
“It’s—” I sigh as I try to think of a way to explain it. “I feel like the moment we met, she jumped into my heart and I need to find a way to get her out. I haven’t breathed normally since laying eyes on her and—”
“What’s her name?” he cuts me off to ask.
“Livia.”
“What do you like about Livia?”
“Her aura. There was a force between us. It’s like something drew me to her. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve had women come on to me—beautiful, amazing, smart, talented women—and never have I had that happen to me with anyone. There’s something about her that’s so frighteningly scary. And beautiful. And sensual. And innocent. She’s refreshing. She’s a wonder. She’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”
“And you think that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes, it is because of who I am. I’m a monster—”
“Khenji, stop saying that, man. You’re not a monster. Your father was the monster. Not you.”
“I have his DNA.”
“So what? Serial killers’ children have their DNA. You don’t see them running around with knives slicing and dicing people, do you? You’re Khenji Halifax—the man who dug himself out of a hole and made something of his life. Stop continuing to let your father ruin your life. It’s destructive, it’s holding you back from living, and quite frankly, I’m tired of it. You deserve better. Are you listening to me?”
I sigh heavily and say, “Yeah. I’m listening.”
“If this woman is your angel, as you’ve called her, if she’s touched you in ways that no other woman has, and if when you finally go to sleep and she’s the first person you see when you close your eyes, you’ll be doing yourself a great disservice by avoiding her. We only get one great love in life. Most likely, she’s yours. Now, I have to get back to sleep. You should do the same. Goodnight, bruh.”
He hung up the phone, leaving me more confused than I was when I called him. I take his words into consideration, though. I do but the decision is mine and I’ve decided that I won’t see her again. I can’t see her again. It’s for her sake.
I use the remote on my nightstand to turn off the lights and close the blinds. I recline on my pillow, close my eyes and an image of her sitting across from me at the café flashes in my mind. I instantly open my eyes and try again to sleep without seeing her but there she is, smiling.
I turn on the lights and get up, walk to the bathroom, and splash cold water on my face. The passing of time is the only thing that can help me now.