Chapter 7
Khenji
“How does it feel to make love?”
That’s the question I pose to Delton while staring up at the TV high up on the wall above the bar. He chokes on his beer.
I’m too embarrassed to ask him the question with eye contact, and that’s why I keep my eyes glued to the baseball game. Embarrassing or not, I asked because I need to know and it would be even more awkward asking a random stranger. At least Delton knows me. He knows I’m—well—strange.
Delton coughs and gets himself together, then looks at me. “What, the—?”
“Delton, just answer the question.”
“Man—Khenji—you cannot ask me something like that and expect me to not have follow-up questions, my guy.”
I sigh and face him even though I don’t want to. “Okay. Ask. Go ahead.”
“You’ve never…?”
“No.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I never had a desire to.”
“But you do now?”
“Can you just answer my question?” I take a sip of my drink and return my eyes to the TV while he assesses what I said because he certainly isn’t talking. Maybe it’s surprise that has his tongue on lockdown. I’m not sure, but at this rate, I could’ve very well just asked a stranger and had been done with it.
“Let me get this straight so that I understand what I’m working with. You’ve never had sex?”
“No.”
“You’re…a…virgin?”
My brows crease. “Yes, D. I’ve never done anything sex-related whatsoever. Why would I ask you what it feels like if I knew what it felt like?”
I take a tiny sip of my drink because I usually don’t drink on the weekdays, but since I’m here, I figured I’d fit in with the bar scene by partaking in spirits. Plus, with my current mental state, a little alcohol ain’t going to hurt anything.
Delton is quiet again. I assume he’s taking this all in and figuring that I must be telling him some kind of truth, since he obviously didn’t believe me before. He sips beer and then says, “Man…I don’t know what to say.”
“You can’t answer the question?”
“How am I supposed to answer something like that? Sex is an experience. It’s not something that can be told. It involves feelings—well, most times. You could have sex with a woman and have no feelings at all if you don’t love her. I’ve experienced both.”
“Tell me how it feels with a woman you love.”
Delton grins uncomfortably. “Um…I don’t know, man. I—I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I would say, think back to a time in your life when you felt the happiest and multiply that times a thousand.”
“I get what you’re trying to do, but just be open about it, Delton. It’s just me and you sitting here. In your own words, tell me what it’s like.”
He sighs deeply and says, “Okay…uh…it’s like losing yourself. It’s like having the life sucked out of you to the point that you’re no longer in control of your own body. The other person controls you. Controls everything. It’s maddening. It’s intense. It’s seizing. It’s a rebirth. An awakening. It’s the most pleasure you’ll ever experience in your life. I think that’s why people are obsessed with it because for that time you’re doing it, nothing else matters. The world could be falling into an abyss and you wouldn’t care. Making love to a woman you love is ethereal. It’s beautiful. It’s a feeling of bliss. I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to describe.”
I grin. “That was a pretty good description.”
I sip more. I like the way he described it because it fits the way I feel about her right now and I haven’t even touched her. Making love to her would be transcendental, I conclude. But again, I yield my desires for what’s best for her and I know that’s not me.
Delton asks, “This is about Livia?”
“Yes, of course. There is no one else, nor will there ever be.”
“Do you love her?”
“I didn’t know what love was until I laid eyes on her. It’s beyond my wildest dreams to ever think I’d be a man to succumb to love at first sight.”
“But here we are,” he says.
“Yes. Here we are.”
“Does she know how you feel about her?”
“I think so, but I’m not certain of that. The moment I feel like we’re getting too close, I pull away. I haven’t seen her in a week. The last time this feeling came over me, I didn’t speak to her for two weeks.”
“Man, are you crazy!”
“She’s making me crazy. I—”
I close my eyes and remember how it feels when Livia holds my hands. I look up at the TV and say, “The last time I saw her, she tried to kiss me and I took off. I had to. If we’re too close, I won’t be able to let her go.”
“Why the heck would you want to let her go?”
“I want her to be with someone who can love her properly.”
“Why is that not you? If it’s because of your lack of experience, that can be remedied easily.”
“No, it’s not that. Well, partially. I’m inexperienced across the board. I don’t know how to kiss her. I can barely hold her hand without having palpitations. And I wouldn’t know how to care for her because I’ve witnessed abuse. I’m not a product of love.”
“Here you go with that again…”
“Don’t discount what I’m saying, Delton. It’s the truth.”
“Walk away from her, then, since you can’t get over what happened to you way back in your childhood. You’re thirty-seven and successful and you can’t let this stuff go? Really? It’s not like you can’t afford therapy.”
“Been there, done that.”
“Then what else do you need to do to put that mess behind you? The bottom line is, you either want her or you don’t. I advise you to make up your mind, man, ‘cause you better believe another man gon’ come out of nowhere and snatch her up. It’s either you or him. What’s it going to be?”
I close my eyes and breathe a troublesome sigh. Through the turmoil going on inside of me, I see Livia’s face. I miss her. It’s been a week since I’ve seen her and I crave her – crave her so much, the lotion isn’t helping me any longer. I have to break out of this cycle of indecisiveness. It’s not healthy for me or her. All I know is, her happiness supersedes my desires, and that’s where I need more direction.