20. Chapter 19 Katrina
M arch 2024
The entire ride back to Columbia is silent.
Well, that’s not entirely true. Will has a surgical podcast playing, which sounds exactly how a medical textbook would read to me—long, boring, and chock-full of scientific terminology I couldn’t understand. Besides that, for almost two hours, neither one of us says a single word. The silence isn’t even comfortable, it’s tense.
By the time we pull up to my rental, I’m over it. This weekend didn’t have to go down the way it did. He was the one who showed up to insult my friends. Will was also the one who continued to bad-mouth them when they weren’t even present. He was the one who got all huffy when I called him out on his bullshit and then ignored me for the whole drive back.
“I think we need to talk,” I say as he puts the car in park. “About everything that happened this weekend.”
“Not today, Katrina,” he insists. “I’m tired and still have to drive back to Charleston. I have a shift tomorrow morning.”
“If you would have stuck to the plan, like you always do, you wouldn’t have had to drive me back here.”
“You’re the one who’s always telling me I should be more considerate and try to keep the romance alive.” He raises his tone ever so slightly. “The first time I do it and I get my head bitten off. Not only that, but you humiliated me in front of your parents and then were short with my colleagues all night last night.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I can only give my opinion on the state of the country’s healthcare system so many times before I die of boredom or piss off the wrong person,” I shoot back. “You didn’t need to make Bryce and Carter the target of your bad attitude with my parents.”
“What is your deal with them? Why do you always feel the need to jump to their defense?”
“Why do you need to put them down?” I challenge back. “They weren’t there to defend themselves and, even worse, they’re clients of Thomas’s. You shouldn’t speak badly about them. I don’t understand why you seem to hate them so much.”
“They’re the epitome of lazy, Katrina,” he replies. “All they care about is swimming and getting medals. They could never hold down a career, even if they wanted to.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “That’s a bold thing to say about two men you haven’t spoken to since college.”
“I spoke to Bryce on Friday,” he replies easily.
“You showed off to Bryce,” I correct just as swiftly. “You did nothing but brag and degrade. Do you really think I told you to leave because I was worried about traffic? You were embarrassing me, Will.”
Will scoffs. “I wasn’t embarrassing you. If anything, Clark should be the one who’s embarrassed.”
“I don’t think he has anything to be embarrassed about. He and Carter are doing what makes them happy. If more people could do that, maybe the world would be a happier place.”
“You sound like a child.” The way he says it is so patronizing, so diminishing of my contribution to the conversation. It infuriates me that he still thinks it’s okay to talk to me like that. “Happiness comes from being productive and doing something worthwhile.”
I want to scream at him, question why he seems to think what Bryce and Carter are doing isn’t worthwhile. Dreams look different to everyone; happiness and success are different to everyone. Just because Will dedicated his life to a job that will get him prestige and money, which are his only priorities, doesn’t mean everyone has to. In fact, a lot of his colleagues would argue they do the job to help people, but not Will.
“How long are you planning on sitting in here? I want to get back on the road.”
There’s no question about it. I’m being dismissed. Rolling my eyes, I grab the bag at my feet and wrench open the door. I don’t say goodbye, don’t tell him I love him—it’d be a lie anyway—I just slam the door shut behind me, knowing it would piss him off.
“Katrina!” I’ve barely turned toward my rental when his voice filters out the open window. With a deep, calming breath, I turn back to face him. “The only issue I ever had with Abrams was the fact he should have been more cautious with information he didn’t want made public.”
I can’t get Will’s comment out of my head.
I’ve known him long enough to know when something he says is supposed to be insulting. I’d been on the receiving end of those comments more than once, and this was one of them.
“The only issue I ever had with Abrams was the fact he should have been more cautious with information he didn’t want made public.”
That could mean a hundred different things, and very few of them would be painting Carter in a bad light. Drugs, cheating, lying—none of these seem plausible to me. Carter’s a good person, Bryce is a good person, so are Mia and Josie. None of them would condone that kind of behavior. Plus, something like that would only stroke Will’s self-righteous ego, and he’d brag about it.
It has to be something else.
Whatever happened, Will doesn’t seem to regret his part in it, even if he’s not ready to brag about it. Which tells me it’s something he knows I wouldn’t agree with. Something that could be a deal-breaker.
I reach for my laptop, logging on, and starting a new search. I start simple, typing: Carter Abrams. A bunch of results for an older businessman pop up. I narrow the search by tacking “swimmer” onto the end of his name. In seconds, I’m flooded with information.
The pictures showcased with the results mostly show him in a cap and goggles, so I only hesitate on them for a second. I wouldn’t mind going down a rabbit hole of Carter pictures, but it has to wait. Right now, I need answers, and those answers can’t be found looking at his stupid, perfect face.
I scroll away from the pictures.
The recent articles are about his accomplishments in the lead up to Trials this summer, and followed by highlights from World Championships, and then the previous Olympics. It wasn’t until the fourth page of results that a headline caught my eye:
Nashville University Freshman Carter Abrams Comes out as Bisexual.
I’m clicking into the article before I can even register how much this feels like an invasion of privacy. It’s not something we’ve ever talked about and it’s not something he needs to announce to me. I’ve always been a firm believer that no one owes anyone an explanation surrounding sexuality. We’re all free to love who we love and be who we want to be.
And that’s when it clicks. This must be it. Homophobia is a deal-breaker for me, and Will knows that. Plus, Nashville University is where Will went to school for his undergrad; no one told me Carter had attended there as well. I thought he graduated from Arizona with Bryce.
The photo that comes up with the article is of a much younger Carter and another guy I don’t recognize. Carter has his arm strung over the other guy’s shoulder, wide smiles stretched across their faces. They look like they’re at Pride, as Carter has a bisexual flag painted on one cheek and the other guy has a sheen of glitter across his cheeks, rainbow sunglasses covering his eyes. I can’t help but smile at how carefree they both look.
Skimming the article, I learn it’s from his first year in college: “Carter Abrams, freshman at Nashville University, starts his championship season off by coming out as bisexual across all his social media accounts. Abrams, 18, posted the photo below with the following caption: ‘As my collegiate career begins to take off, I’ve been contemplating how I want to tackle this aspect of my personal life. This isn’t something new and it’ll come as no shock to those who know me, but I feel the need to share it here: I’m bi. I’m a bisexual athlete who is proud of who I am, and I didn’t want to hide this anymore. I want to take a moment to thank my boyfriend, family, and friends for being so supportive. I will not be answering any questions, but I want to share a piece of advice with those wondering if they should come out: You do not owe an explanation to anyone. The decision is your own, even if you feel like it’s being taken from you. If you make the decision to come out, please know there are people and resources to support you. Who you are is valid, who you choose to love is beautiful, and you’re perfect the way you are.’ We were unable to get in contact with Abrams or his coach about this announcement, but we did catch up with Bryce Clark at a meet in Arizona the day Abrams made the announcement: ‘Like Carter said, this isn’t new information to anyone who knows him. I’m proud of him for taking a stand and opening up the dialogue for other queer athletes. Especially when they feel they’re forced to make a decision based on outside pressures. It changes nothing. He’s still my best friend and a hell of a swimmer. This is the only comment I’ll be making on this.’”
Any question I have is gone. This was Will’s doing. I have no idea how he did it or what he had over Carter, but he was the one who took the choice away from him. This wasn’t a moment of celebrating who he is, and who he loves. This was taken from him.
The rest of the article discusses what this could mean for his career, which was ludicrous to me. Why does it matter? What difference does someone’s sexuality make to doing well in the sport? I read through their reasons, rolling my eyes at each one and then, my eye catches on one more quote.
The author was only able to get a comment from one person on the team, and it was Will. I read the comment once, then twice, and felt sick. “I don’t really care who he dates, but I think everyone should be more cautious about concealing information they don’t want to be public knowledge.”
I’m up and out my door before I even realize it.