Chapter 22 #2
We work in Ben’s sitting room. We review all of the evidence, learn it inside and out.
Ben prepares his statements to the court, and I proofread them.
We formulate lists of questions to ask witnesses if they are called to give evidence by the judges.
Afterwards, once we understand as much of the evidence as possible, we roleplay.
I pretend to be the judge, asking Ben questions about the evidence, the reasoning behind the appeal, matters such as that.
Once complete, Ben takes on the role of the judge.
He asks similar questions about the evidence, case law, and statute that support our arguments.
The day has already turned to Thursday when we officially call it a night.
“Coming to bed?” Ben asks me.
I gnaw on my bottom lip. “Only if you’ll have me.”
Ben raises a broad shoulder. “You’re always welcome in my bed.”
I neatly pack up my materials and follow Ben to his bedroom.
Naked, underneath his covers, we face one another.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Ben asks.
There are many questions I’ve wanted to ask Ben since we agreed to take things slow. If I don’t pursue my answers now, I might never get them. With a shaky voice, I struggle to ask, “I know we said no labels and no expectations, but what is going on between us? What is this? I need to know.”
Lying on his side, Ben blinks. Then, his gaze feels sharper. The gap between us expands. “What do you mean?”
I’m blunt. “What are we doing? I’m in your bed, Ben. We’ve lain together, slept together. I think we need to decide what this is.”
Ben rolls over onto his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he huffs.
“Look, if you’re not interested in something more—”
“No,” he blurts out immediately. He rolls back to face me. “No.” After a minute, he speaks again. What he has to say sounds rehearsed, like he’s really thought about it. “This is all new territory for me, Nick. I’ve never… you know… felt like this for a boy.”
I clench my jaw, confused.
Ben continues before I can ask questions. “When I bumped into you again, all these feelings came rushing back to me.”
My insides are knotted. “What do you mean bumped into me again?”
“You really have no idea, do you?”
“Have no idea about what?” I must sound naive.
Ben laughs and shakes his head. There’s no joy in his laugh, however. “In college.”
“We hated each other in college,” I say numbly. “You were an asshole.” No marks for the plan, my brain recites.
“I never hated you, Nick.” Ben repositions the covers, exposing part of his chest in doing so. “Why do you think I never got with any of the girls that threw themselves at me?”
“I thought they weren’t good enough for the amazing Ben Kehoe,” I spit, regurgitating all the anger I once held for him.
“Wrong.” His attention drops. “I’d work my ass off to figure out what legal advice should be given before you figured it out yourself.
I’d secretly pray that you wouldn’t figure it quick enough, so I could be there when you asked for help.
Why do you think I never spoke to anyone and only did my work?
It’s because I wanted to help you, swoop in and show you how it’s done.
Maybe then, I thought, you’d finally stop looking at me with that death stare in your eye.
And then the party happened. You looked at me like you were seeing me for the first time. And… Never mind… It doesn’t matter.”
My mind races as I rethink every situation Ben has just described. I see it differently. Ben was an arrogant, self-righteous asshole who only wanted to get his work done quickly so he could be crowned the smartest in the room. Ben Kehoe didn’t care for me in college. He only cared about himself.
“You were a dick to me,” I counter. “You always critiqued every little thing I did, every little plan I made, and made me feel like an eejit.”
Ben lets out a little gasp, like I’ve wounded him. “That’s because I wanted your attention,” he says. “I was a young fool, Nick. You know, boy pulls the girl’s hair when he likes her.”
Now he’s making me feel as stupid as he did when we were in college. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I exclaim.
He pauses, looks up at me from under his eyelids and sighs. “You know why.”
I do. I know exactly why. James Adams screaming ‘Faggot!’ rips through my mind like a tornado.
“But that’s my point. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I’m not like the other guys you’ve been with. I’m not like your posh boy up in Donnybrook.”
“What?” I spit, defensive.
Then the penny drops.
“I don’t even know if I’m gay,” Ben admits. “I don’t know how to decide what I am.”
“That’s okay.” I reach to caress his shoulder. He jerks it away. “I’m not going to force you to make a decision you’re not ready to. I can wait.”
“But you shouldn’t have to wait.” Ben’s breath is heavy. “You deserve someone who’ll bring you on dates and hold your hand during the daylight. Someone that’s not afraid to kiss you when people are looking.”
Ben’s gaze falls on me, and I shrink beneath the weight of it.
“You deserve so much more than I can give you, Nick,” Ben says. “You deserve the world.”
I don’t want the world. I only want you. I wipe away a stray tear. “No.”
“What?”
Just because he’s still in the closet, Ben doesn’t think he can give me what Tom did. But when I was with Tom, what with the hiding, the non-existing, and pretending I was his tenant, I wouldn’t exactly call that living the dream.
“You don’t get to say I deserve the world and then take away the only person in the world that I want.” I put my hand on Ben’s bicep, feeling the muscle. He doesn’t jerk away.
“But I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Who said you’re going to hurt me?”
Ben shrugs.
“I don’t need the world if I have you.” I shift closer to him to close the gap between us. My voice is filled with pleading emotion.
“You don’t mean that,” he says. “You deserve so much more than me. Shit, in the past few weeks, I’ve left you on read more times than I can count, sent you so many mixed signals, and because I was off in a different county, that bastard James Adams got his hands on you. ” Ben strokes my arm, eyeing my temple.
“That isn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve been there,” he says, more to himself than to me.
“No. You were where you were supposed to be – with your family.”
Ben offers a shy smile. He quicky drops it. “I don’t think I can give you what you want.”
Ben knows what I want. Now it’s time for me to find out what he wants. “Right now, all I want is for you to tell me what you want.”
He shakes his head. He closes his mouth firmly, lips glued together. It’s like he’s trying to stop the words from coming out. “I…”
“It’s okay, Ben.” I smooth my hand up his arm. “You can say it.”
He tries again. “I want you, Nick Carthy. You’re all I want. You’re all I’ve wanted since we were in college.”
There it is. Ben wants me. And I want him.
Ben sits up in the bed. I swing my leg over him.
Ben places his hands on my buttocks, drawing me nearer.
The weight of his eyes on me lightens. I feel like I can look into him, stare into his soul.
I like it, seeing Ben so vulnerable, like he’s a jigsaw that only I can put back together.
I edge my face closer to Ben’s. I grab him by his jaw.
At the same time, his arms slide up my back, dragging me closer.
“You’re all I want,” Ben repeats softly.
I fix my position so that the hardness between his legs grazes my bottom as I sit atop him. “You’re all I want too,” I whisper into his mouth.
I lure his head to me. As soon as our lips touch, a charged, electrified feeling circulates through me. “Is this okay?”
Ben pulls me back to his lips. “This is more than okay.”