Chapter Five Kami
Chapter Five
Kami
The game against St. Anne’s was that Saturday.
I was excited, because I’d get to see Taylor play.
Things hadn’t been great between us, so going to his game seemed important, although Thiago would be there, too, and things with him were as bad as ever.
Detention during my free period was tense and uncomfortable, and of course Taylor had insisted on joining me, so every day, for half an hour, the three of us sat there in near silence.
It hurt to see them so distant. I couldn’t help feeling like I was caught in the middle.
Thiago hardly uttered a word to me, and Taylor just growled at him if he so much as tried.
Worst of all, the night before, after I got off work, I went over to their house to watch a movie with Taylor in his room. One thing had led to another, and we ended up having sex.
The problem was me, of course. I was physically there, in his bed, but my head was somewhere else.
Taylor could tell I wasn’t into it and lost his shit.
He said he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to, especially after it had been so long since the last time we’d done it.
He accused me of turning colder and less caring by the day—while he hung on my every word.
I tried to tell him I was freaking out about everything: exams, work, Julian. My head was just somewhere else, but nothing I said seemed to matter; he was hurt and disappointed.
Things couldn’t go on like this. We couldn’t go on like this.
Thiago was right.
I needed to make a decision.
Ellie and I made plans to meet outside the coffee shop after I got off work so we could go to the game together.
I changed my clothes, put on a bit of makeup, a wool hat, scarf, and my boots, and prepared us each a giant to-go cup of hot chocolate with Mrs. Mill’s permission.
It was technically still autumn, but as far as I was concerned, winter was upon us.
Ellie was still a cheerleader, so she wore her uniform under a puffy coat, and she was perfectly made up, with her hair pulled back.
I was glad she hadn’t quit the team. I enjoyed watching my friends cheer, even if I didn’t feel drawn to it in the least. It had brought me much more misery than pleasure, and I liked who I was now.
Along the way, I brought back up the subject she hadn’t wanted to talk about before: Was she really hung up on Taylor? And if not, why wouldn’t she tell me who she liked?
“I need to know now, Ellie,” I said for the fourth time as we watched the people trickling into the gym. There were already parents in the stands. I wondered if Ms. Di Bianco would come.
Ellie sighed, and I could see her breath in the cold air. “First tell me what happened with Taylor.”
“I don’t know, Ellie. I’m feeling weird about it.”
“Weird like what?” she asked. She glanced at the group of cheerleaders standing around chatting.
I wasn’t sure I should open up to Ellie about this, but she was my friend, and I had been planning on telling her about my feelings for Taylor and Thiago before I’d suspected she was in love with my boyfriend… Now I wasn’t so sure…
“I’m confused,” I continued. “I’m crazy about him, I really am, but…”
She gave me a look that left me speechless, and then her words left me cold, “…but you’re even crazier about Thiago.”
“What?!” I answered without thinking.
We stared at each other, saying nothing.
Was it really that obvious?
She knew. The look on her face gave her away.
“You can hide it from everybody else, Kami, but not from me.” She looked almost disappointed as she said this.
“Ever since the two of them moved back, you’ve been a completely different person.
I get that your history left its mark, but I could tell from the beginning you were fixated on one of them.
And it wasn’t Taylor, Kami. It was Thiago. ”
“That’s not true,” I tried to argue, afraid someone would hear her and tell Taylor.
“Of course it is, Kami. And what I don’t understand is why you’re just playing with him the way you do.”
“I’m not playing with anybody,” I said, starting to feel flushed.
She groaned and dropped her arms in exasperation.
“Kami, just admit it!” she said, raising her voice, which startled me. “You don’t feel the same way for Taylor that you do for Thiago, and he knows it. I’m sure he does!”
“You’re wrong!” I retorted, my voice now on the rise as well. “The problem is that you like Taylor, and you’re making all this up to confuse me!”
Ellie’s eyes opened wide as she looked beside us, where suddenly Taylor had appeared out of nowhere. They both looked at me in shock. I closed my eyes and murmured, “Shit.”
“You like me?” Taylor asked, incredulous and amused.
Ellie turned bright red and responded in an acid tone, “Not in your wildest dreams. The person you should be asking that question is Kami. Ask her who she’s in love with. I bet you’ll be surprised.”
She walked over to the rest of the cheerleaders, who were waiting for her on the court.
Goddammit, Ellie.
Why did you do that to me?
Every ounce of amusement had disappeared from Taylor’s face as if by magic, and I felt an ache in my chest.
“What was all that?” he asked. I’d never before wanted so badly to be able to read someone’s mind and know what they were thinking. I tried to put up a wall so he couldn’t see inside me, but I don’t think it worked. When I didn’t answer, he asked again, “Who are you in love with, Kami?”
I shook my head. “No one.”
“I thought you’d say me,” he replied, and I could see a deep sadness in his eyes, deeper than my own. A sadness accompanied by disappointment, anger, and a sense of betrayal.
“I do love you, Taylor,” I said, and I wasn’t lying.
“What was your best friend talking about, then?”
“I don’t know. We were having an argument, and—”
Taylor interrupted me, taking my face in his hands. “Kami. I’m in love with you. Are you in love with me?” he asked calmly.
I hesitated as Thiago appeared in my line of sight, watching us from a distance. Did he wonder why I was crying? Could he see my tears from across the gym?
I shouldn’t have looked at him. That was a mistake. Taylor turned to see what had distracted me, and all of a sudden, he understood everything. And so did I.
“I knew it,” he said, looking down at the ground.
“Taylor, I—”
“Do you think I’m an idiot?”
“No, of course not!”
“I knew it,” he said again. “I knew it wasn’t just Thiago. I wanted to believe otherwise, that it was all on him, but I knew. Were you ever going to tell me? How long did you plan on lying to me?”
“I wasn’t lying to you!” I said quickly, knowing that, too, was a lie.
When had I become such a horrible person?
“I’ve got to go warm up,” he said, his voice so sad and dejected it broke my heart.
“Taylor, wait!”
“I’ve already waited too long.”
I didn’t see the look on his face when he said that because he was already on his way to the court. He knocked shoulders with Thiago as he walked past. Thiago looked at me, and I didn’t know what to say.
Fortunately, not many people had seen; we didn’t need to give them yet another reason to gossip. But then, in the end, it didn’t matter, because Taylor made sure his name would be on everybody’s lips that night.
The game started off as always, with Thiago telling our guys which plays to make before the two teams faced off. But Taylor was a disaster. He was distracted, the ref stacked him with several fouls, and when Thiago called time-out to talk to him, they started arguing.
Nobody understood what was going on. Thiago grabbed Taylor’s arm and guided him away from the bleachers, but Taylor jerked away and shouted at him. At least the cheerleaders were in the middle of their routine. Between their chants and the music, nobody could hear what the two brothers were saying.
Then Taylor’s arm flew out, and his fist struck his older brother’s face. At that point, you could have heard a pin drop. I stood, as did many others, waiting on what was to come.
Thiago didn’t move. He just touched his face and glowered.
“You’re not going to do anything?” Taylor asked. We all listened attentively.
Instead of answering him, Thiago looked up at me, and I knew exactly what they’d been fighting about.
Taylor followed his eyes and flew into a rage, pushing Thiago and nearly knocking him over.
Members of the team stepped in to grab Taylor and separate the brothers, while Thiago stood there, calm and quiet—his expression impossible to decipher.
“You’re my brother!” Taylor shouted. “How could you?!” His teammates dragged him off through the doors to the locker room, and once the other guys had come back, the game went on.
I knew what everyone expected me to do. And as Thiago turned his attention back to the court, acting as if nothing had happened, I didn’t hesitate.
Not because it was what was expected of me, not because it was the right thing to do, not even because it was my duty as his girlfriend.
I did it because it mattered to me, he mattered to me, the guy who had been my companion on so many adventures, my playmate when we were kids, the guy who had protected me and made me laugh.
Taylor…
I couldn’t hurt him.
I just couldn’t.
I ran down the bleachers toward the locker rooms, passing Thiago, who grabbed my arm and stopped me. “What did you say to him?” he asked. The red mark on Thiago’s cheek was already turning purple, and his eyes showed his sadness at having broken his brother’s heart.
“Nothing,” I told him, trying to break free.
Being so close to him was the last thing I wanted.
And at the same time, it was what I needed most. I was so plagued with guilt, smoldering inside me like hot embers, extending through my every cell…
Burning, I was burning up. I attempted to pull away, but he held me fast.
“Don’t go, Kamila,” he pleaded. “It’s not a good idea.”
I freed myself. “What’s not a good idea?
” I asked. I knew it was selfish, that I shouldn’t take it out on him, that he didn’t deserve it, that neither he nor his brother had done anything wrong.
It was me; it was my fault. I knew that I was projecting all the anger I felt toward myself on the one person I wanted to hurt least. “Don’t touch me! ” I yelled. “This is your fault!”
He was paralyzed. He let go of me as if my skin burned his hand and took a step back.
“You’re confusing me! You always have!” I yelled.
Looking around, jaw clenched, Thiago said, “Kami, please, lower your voice.” He was calm, and that made me realize I was making a scene with the whole school watching. And I realized if I mouthed off too much, Thiago’s job could be in danger.
Stepping back, I said, “I’m sorry.”
Just then, the audience roared, and Thiago glanced at the basket.
They’d just made a three-pointer.
I took advantage of his distraction and rushed into the locker rooms.
* * *
When I walked in, I didn’t see him at first, and I thought he must have gone home. But then I heard the hissing of the showers in the back.
I approached slowly. And there he was. He still had his uniform on, but he was soaked from head to toe. His hair was dripping wet, plastered to his cheeks, and I could tell that he was crying.
I walked straight in and hugged him from behind.
He flinched, but he didn’t push me away.
I pressed my cheek into his back and wrapped my arms around him.
How could I have ever hurt him?
The kindest person I’d ever known.
His hands met mine, and for a second I thought he wanted to hold me. I thought he’d embrace me and never let me go.
But no.
He peeled himself from my embrace and turned to look me in the face. That’s when I knew I’d lost him forever.
“Do you love him?” he asked, his eyes fixed on me.
We were both sopping wet, our clothing soaked and dripping. It was way too cold to go outside like that, but all I could think was how the water was the only thing still holding us together.
Never in my life have I had to answer such a difficult question.
Did I love him?
I couldn’t lie…
Of all the people in my life, Taylor was the one who most deserved honesty from me. I forced myself to look him in the eyes, and I responded, “I love you both.”
I could see the disappointment on his face—the grief—and I knew how selfish, how uncaring my response had been.
“That can only mean one thing,” he replied. “You don’t really love either of us.”
He walked past me and out of the shower room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Alone with my remorse. Alone with my sorrow. Sorrow over having lost him, because that’s what his eyes had told me. I’d lost him…and I’d never get him back.
I’d have given anything to save Taylor from that pain, to make those last days as happy as the ones we had shared when we were first going out.
That would weigh on my conscience. But what I regretted most was not letting him know that he would have been the most sensible choice for me. The thing is, there’s nothing sensible when it comes to matters of the heart.