Chapter Seven Kami
Chapter Seven
Kami
He walked off, and I felt a sinking feeling inside, as though part of me were leaving, too, an important part, one I couldn’t do without, now gone forever.
But from the expression on his face, it was clear he’d made his choice, as much as it tore him up inside.
I looked at Ellie, who was also watching Taylor drive off, and I wondered what was going through her head. She seemed so sad when she turned to look at me.
“We saw Julian,” she said. And those words were enough to pull me back to reality and everything I’d been trying to escape.
“What?” I asked, feeling the fear take over my body.
“My brother says they saw him in the woods, and then he took off running,” Thiago explained.
I was unable to hold his gaze. Something inside me was broken, and being with him, even in public with my best friend, made me feel uncomfortable and incredibly guilty.
“I told you Julian was a coward,” I said, clenching my jaw.
“Coward or not, we need to tell the cops,” Thiago responded.
“Not to mention his parents,” I said. Part of me thought that was more important, because scared as I was, his parents were probably worried about him, and they were the ones who could get him the help he needed.
I was still struggling to understand how dangerous he could be and how serious his actions were.
“Fuck his parents,” Thiago hissed. “Come on, I’ll take you home,” he said to me.
“No need,” I replied, turning to Ellie. Was she aware of the consequences of what she’d blurted out earlier at the game?
Had she done it on purpose to get closer to Taylor?
To make the two of us break up? Staring at her in search of answers, I felt a new and very ugly feeling growing inside me.
I didn’t want to ask her for a ride because I didn’t want to be around her, or around anyone. “I’ll catch the bus,” I told them.
Ellie’s face showed she was hurt and even regretful. I was torn between anger and despair, and I needed to get out of there before I broke into tears. But as I turned to go, someone’s hand caught me by the shoulder. “You’re not taking the bus.” Thiago was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind.
“Why not?”
“Do I honestly have to tell you?”
I knew he was right, but even though Julian wouldn’t likely come at me on a bus full of people, I almost preferred risking an encounter with him than riding alone with Thiago.
“I’m gonna go with the girls,” Ellie announced, taking a step back. She looked like she wished she could just disappear. “Call you tomorrow, OK?” she said.
I didn’t respond.
I was mad at her, mad at Taylor, mad at Thiago. Mad at the whole world, dammit! And you know why? Because sometimes, when you fuck things up, instead of reflecting on your actions and accepting the consequences, you end up taking out your frustrations on the people who care about you most.
I mean, how many times have you snapped at someone who’s just asked how you’re doing? How many times have you cursed everything and everyone else in the world when you’re the one who did something wrong?
It’s crazy the way the human brain works.
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” Thiago said, starting to walk over to his motorcycle.
I hesitated, then followed him, realizing that if the two brothers had taken separate vehicles, things at home must have already been tense between them.
Taking your motorcycle out for a spin in September was one thing, but riding it in this weather—that took commitment.
“You know I’m going to freeze to death on that thing,” I snapped, mentally berating myself: For God’s sake, Kamila, it’s not his fault! Not all of it, anyway!
“Would you rather walk?” he retorted in a strained voice.
He handed me the black helmet he kept under the seat. I slipped it on, and it smelled like him. I couldn’t help but inhale his scent; it was intoxicating.
He gently adjusted the strap for me, and my whole body stiffened when his fingers grazed the sensitive skin of my neck.
Our eyes met, and I could tell he had noticed the way he affected me.
But he didn’t say anything except, “Let’s go,” before he got on the bike, releasing the kickstand and starting the motor, which roared so loud some of the nearby students turned to look.
Did Thiago realize they might think this was inappropriate? Was he worried about how it might affect his job?
I sat behind him and could feel his irritation when I gripped the handholds on the back seat instead of wrapping my arms around him, but he sped off so fast that all I could do was hold on tight.
The cold crept under the helmet, stung my face, and froze my fingers. That, and my fear as the speedometer kept climbing, made me forget any modesty or restraint, and I quickly changed my mind, holding on to him tight. I needed to feel safe and warm, to know he wouldn’t let me fall.
It took a second before I realized he hadn’t turned on the road that would lead us home, but instead was heading straight into town. “Thiago, where are we going?” I asked, but either he didn’t hear me or else he just didn’t want to answer.
When he parked in front of the police station, I said, “Why are we here?” I would have preferred to be anywhere else.
I didn’t want to talk about Julian. Especially not there.
I didn’t want to relive that awkward, shameful moment when my mother and I had to explain to the cops how Julian had taken a nude video of me and uploaded it to the internet.
“You don’t have to go in with me,” Thiago said. “You can wait out here; it’s your call.”
“There’s no way I’m going in there,” I told him as he got off the motorcycle, hanging the helmet from his left arm.
“No problem. Wait for me here, then.”
He hurried inside before I could argue.
I looked around at the town I’d grown up in, asking myself when I had become the girl who gets harassed and stalked, who gets sneered at. The girl who gets dumped by her boyfriend because she hooked up with his brother.
I took out my phone and called Taylor. Don’t ask me why. I just needed to hear his voice. I needed to say I was sorry; I needed to feel his arms around me.
Memories flooded my mind: our smiles and laughter as we goofed off in his room, his visits during my shifts at the café, cuddling on the couch watching movies. That was Taylor: the guy who could make you laugh, no matter what.
He didn’t answer, so I hung up and looked at the photo of him on my home screen, blinking a tear from my eye.
It rolled down my cheek, leaving a trail.
I wiped it away with my forearm, trying to pretend I wasn’t crying even though it was exactly what I deserved.
I deserved to cry, to be alone, and as I told myself this, I kept staring at that photo from when I’d gone to decorate his house for Halloween.
He had been coming up behind me in a Frankenstein mask, and I’d spotted him in the living room mirror, but decided to pretend I didn’t know he was coming so I could scare him in turn.
I’d spun around and shouted “Boo!” He’d been so shocked, he’d fallen on the floor.
I couldn’t stop laughing, and the look on his face had been so ridiculous, I just had to immortalize it with a photo. I’d pulled off his mask and given him a kiss on the cheek, and at the same time, taken a selfie of the two of us.
Even now, as stressed as I was, that photo still managed to make me smile.
“You can talk to him if you want, Kam,” a voice behind me said.
I slipped my phone into my back pocket. I didn’t respond, putting on my helmet, and asked Thiago, “Will you take me home now?”
It looked like he had something else to say, but he just said, “Hop on.”
Again, he didn’t take the road home, and I was surprised when I found us on a highway leading out of town.
“Where are we going, Thiago?” I shouted over the rumbling of the bike.
He said nothing, so I got more and more nervous, and soon we were in an empty field, all shadows except for his headlights.
I saw trees left and right, and when Thiago stopped the bike and my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed a boxy caravan parked there, and for a moment, my curiosity took over.
“What’s that?” I asked as he killed the engine and the silence of the forest seemed to engulf us.
“Take off your helmet,” Thiago said as he dismounted.
I looked around. There was still a heavy layer of snow on the ground, and the trees were capped with white, their branches hanging low.
In front of the camper was a circle of stones with ashes and burned logs in the middle.
There must have been a fire there not long before.
“This is my new home,” Thiago said.
“What?” I asked, shocked, stepping forward and walking around the caravan.
“I bought it a week ago,” he said, stuffing his hands into his jacket. It certainly wasn’t new, or even in decent condition, but I could imagine stepping out of it, looking up and gazing at the stars, or building a fire and sitting down to talk for hours.
I’d always fantasized about road-tripping cross-country in a camper like this.
I’d asked my parents a million times if we could drive Route 66, but they’d never seemed interested.
They were more the five-star-hotel types, even if every day was always the same at places like that.
Luxury suites and fancy views got boring.
The camper in front of me didn’t look mobile, at least not in its current state, but I was curious to take a look inside.
“Why’d you bring me out here?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “We need to talk, right? And I figured this was a good place to do it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said, sitting on one of the stones around the fire pit.
“Kam, my brother knows we have feelings for each other. Don’t pretend like we can just ignore that.”