Chapter Eleven Kami
Chapter Eleven
Kami
My mother took my brother and me to school.
After what had happened with Momo and Julian and Cam’s classmates, he was no longer the same kid.
He still ran around the house dressed up as a caterpillar, a spider, or some monster, holding his iguana Juana in one hand and his laser pistol in the other, but something about him had changed.
He was more skittish, more dependent, and way more insecure than he’d been before they’d bullied him.
Kids can be cruel, and I knew firsthand how bad the consequences of someone mistreating you could be.
“Should I pick you up, or is Taylor coming to get you?” my mother asked as we pulled up to school and got out. I was buttoning my brother’s coat and pushing a wool hat down onto his head.
“Taylor told me he’d take me to the go-cart track this weekend,” my brother said with excitement in his little blue eyes.
It had been a miracle getting my mother to accept my relationship with the son of the woman whose marriage she had destroyed, but she’d gone beyond that, and it was proof that she’d really changed.
How, then, could I turn around and tell her Taylor and I had broken up?
And how would she react when I started going out with Thiago?
Even I couldn’t admit to myself what was going on with Thiago.
I knew it would be a long time before either of our families would accept that we loved each other.
How naive I was then, worrying about that, with no idea of what lay in store.
“Why don’t you pick me up?” I said, focusing my eyes on my brother. I didn’t want her to suspect anything, to get nosy and start asking questions.
“OK, see you guys later,” she said, kissing my brother and giving me an inquisitive glance.
I grabbed Cameron’s hand and started walking him toward the building.
“Hey, Kami,” he said, scratching his forehead and all but removing his hat, “is it true that Momo was just your friend in disguise?”
I wondered where that question was coming from. We had talked a long time about how Momo didn’t exist and no one was going to hurt him.
“He’s not my friend anymore, Cameron,” I answered, looking around.
The thought of seeing Taylor or Thiago made me nervous.
I didn’t know what Taylor would do or say after what had happened the day before, and I didn’t know how I’d resist throwing myself into Thiago’s arms to be enveloped by his scent.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, going back over the night we’d spent together. His hands, his mouth, his body against mine, our passion, comfort, and pleasure. I’d never known anything like it.
What would he do when he saw me?
I knew we needed to keep what we’d done secret, at least for a while, but what I hadn’t expected was that he would pass me by without so much as a glance.
I was left staring at him as he continued down the hall.
I told myself this was part of the plan.
That this was how we would keep it secret from the students, the teachers, the principal, and the rumor mill.
But when Taylor saw me, it was totally different. He didn’t duck me, didn’t avoid my gaze, he just stopped to say hi to my brother.
“What’s up, champ?” he said as Cam looked at him, bright-eyed. “You ready for our big hang tomorrow night?”
I could tell that, though he was trying to hide it, pain was consuming him from within. So why was he trying to pretend otherwise?
“Listen, Taylor,” I began, but Cam screamed over me: “Yessss!!”
“Cool, see you later, kid,” he said, pulling off his hat and giving his hair a tussle. Then, when I thought he would leave without uttering a word to me, he asked, “Can we talk at lunchtime?”
“Sure,” I responded, a little confused, and he bent down and gave me a peck on the cheek.
What the hell was going on?
“Come on, Cam,” I said.
I had to leave my phone in a plastic bag as I walked in the building, same as every day.
After what had happened with Julian, they were taking their anti-bullying measures seriously, and there was a zero-tolerance policy for phones during school hours.
When I was done, I walked Cam to his classroom.
“See you later, OK, buddy?” I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey, Kami? What if we just went back home?” he called out as I turned to walk away.
I couldn’t help but grin. “You in the mood to play hooky?”
Cam didn’t smile back. “I don’t want to be here,” he said.
When I saw the look on his face, I had to walk back. I kneeled down beside him. “Why not? You used to love school.”
He shrugged, tightening the straps of his backpack, which was almost as big as he was. “I’d rather be home with you and Mom. Maybe we can give Dad a call. We should see how he’s doing…”
I realized then how little attention I’d been paying him, how little contact we’d had in the weeks since Dad had left. He must have been having a hell of a time with all the lies Julian had told and those nasty stories that had scared him and the other kids half to death.
“We’ll call him this afternoon when school’s over. Sound good?”
Cam seemed to hesitate, and then he grabbed my hand.
“Are you sure we can’t just go home?” He seemed desperate.
I squatted down to look him in the eye. “You’re safe, Cam. Nobody can hurt you now.”
My brother glanced down the hallway and then back at me. It seemed like he had something to say.
“Cam…” I was about to ask him what this was all about, but then he just gave me a hug and sprinted off.
“See you later,” I called out, somewhat confused by the way he was acting. Then I looked at my watch. It was late, so I booked it over to the high school wing.
When I reached my locker, I found Ellie leaning against it. I didn’t know what to say. But I didn’t have to—she spoke first. “I’m so sorry,” she said, and her face told me she meant it.
A part of me was angry at her for butting into my relationship—if it wasn’t for her, Taylor wouldn’t have broken up with me, and he wouldn’t be hurting so bad.
But I knew the whole thing was actually my fault.
I couldn’t blame her for something I’d brought upon myself.
In the end, I was the one who had deceived Taylor, I had lied to him, and I was so determined not to hurt him that I’d kept things hidden, and that’s why we were in this situation.
“It’s OK, Ellie,” I told her. “With all the shit I’m dealing with right now, the last thing I need is to lose my best friend over a guy.”
I opened my locker, took out my books, and closed it again. Ellie smiled, and I noticed she had tears in her eyes.
“Hey, relax,” I said, surprised.
“I just screwed up so bad, Kami…” she said, wiping away a tear. “I don’t know what it was. I just… I know you’re not like that, and seeing my best friend do that to…”
“The guy you have a crush on?” I asked.
Her eyes opened wide, and she shook her head. “I…”
“Seriously, Ellie, it’s fine.” Just then I saw Taylor standing by his locker at the end of the hall. I was surprised to notice he wasn’t alone. Kate was talking to him. Ellie looked over at them, and she was just as surprised as I was.
“What’s she up to?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. Taylor shook his head and looked at my ex–best friend with a baffled expression.
He then walked toward us on his way to his and Ellie’s AP Physics class.
Despite everything that had happened, despite the night I’d spent with Thiago, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy when he called out to Ellie as he walked by.
“You coming, Webber?” he said in that way that made every girl weak in the knees.
Ellie’s eyes lit up before she looked to see my reaction.
“See you guys later,” I said.
Had Taylor forgotten he’d asked me to talk at lunchtime?
“Good luck on your exam,” he said to me, and suddenly my heart started racing.
“What?” I asked, feeling my mouth dry out.
“Your exam,” he responded, looking worried. “Kate said you have a final today, right?”
“Shit!”
“Did you forget?” Ellie asked incredulously.
Fuck!
“And I thought you’d spent the night studying,” Taylor commented, looking me in the eyes.
Was he being sarcastic? Did he know I’d spent the night with Thiago? Had Thiago told him something?
And why did he look distant again—hardened and moody? Why had he been so nice earlier, wanting to talk, only to turn nasty now?
“Fuck. I’m going to fail. Shit, shit, shit…” I said, trying to forget Taylor, Thiago, my brother, my best friend, everything. I had a fucking final!
“You’ve still got ten minutes to cram,” Ellie said, trying but failing to encourage me.
“Bye,” I said, running toward class, thinking I could at least look back over the notes. I sat at my desk and read them over, trying to be strategic, telling myself all those letters and numbers were the most important thing in my life. Memorize, memorize, I commanded my brain urgently.
What I wouldn’t give now to go back to that moment, when my only worries were those of a typical teenager: exams, fights with friends, new love and ex-boyfriends, divorced parents…
It’s amazing how we inflate our problems until we let them take over everything in our lives.
People always tell us to zoom out and think of all the people who don’t even have enough to eat, and those people are right, dammit.
TV and newspapers tell us about all the people with real problems. We hear about them every day.
And yet we’re incapable of realizing how lucky we really are.
We don’t get it until we’re the ones faced with tragedy, until we’re robbed of absolutely everything and reality smacks us in the face—the cold, hard reality that we are nothing but a grain of sand.
If we make it through the dangers and misfortunes around us, it’s because we’re lucky, that’s all.
If you honestly look at your weaknesses and shortcomings, you realize there’s no reason why you should still be alive with all the dangers and threats that surround you.
I’d give anything to go back and do things differently.
But what’s the point of looking back when life pushes you forward into the unknown?