Chapter 34 #2
"I know you wouldn’t. It's just... a little uncomfortable," I admit. "Given the past."
He nods slowly. “I get it. It would be.”
Honest, it wasn’t just about them. I still have my own hang-ups. Things I'd rather not think about, but now that Dorian and I have…evolved, I sometimes find myself thinking about it.
“You’ve gone pale, again, Lamb.” Dorian observes with an uneasy smile.
“I’m sorry. I was just…thinking.”
“I can tell. How about you just ask me what’s on your mind.”
My breathing slows, almost to a complete stop. “Ask you?”
He gives me a wordless acknowledgment, the pensive look in his eyes saying enough.
“I’m not sure how to frame the question. Or if I should.”
He sits straighter. “Alright, what did you think of the past? It would be odd if you didn’t blame me too for the loss of your family business.”
I shake my head. “I don’t blame you. I don’t think I ever did. Not the way Jack did. The business was going under. We weren’t your problem to deal with.”
“Yes, you were.” His answer surprises me. “You were like family to me.”
“But Jack hurt you. And he was dead wrong to do what he did.”
I expected something in his expression to change. But I’m surprised further when nothing happens.
“It’s understandable why you didn’t help after finding him with Catherine.
She was your girlfriend for years.” I hate saying her name now more than ever.
I hate it even more that she had him for so long and I’ve only had him for months—most of which didn’t really count.
He also wanted to be with her right from the get-go.
Undoubtedly, he would have married her if things had been different. Whereas we started with a contract and a promise of no love. Sure, things are different now but it still happened.
“That’s not why I didn’t help.”
I blink at him and everything in me goes quiet. Whatever I expected him to say, it wasn't that. So now I’m compelled to ask the only question that naturally follows. “Why didn’t you help then?”
This whole time I believed his reason was because Jack and Catherine. That was what Jack told me.
“There were bigger reasons that stopped me from helping. Reasons outside my control.”
God, that changes everything. “Did Jack know?”
He nods once, then his gaze flits away for a brief moment. “There’s a lot about the past that people don’t understand.”
“What was it Dorian?”
He shakes his head. “Not here, Lamb. Not here. We’ll talk about it some other time. It’s not important now.”
His words hit me sideways and I’m even more eager to know the truth. “Now I’m desperate to know.”
He reaches out and brushes my cheek, his thumb lingering on my jaw. “When you look back on this trip, I want you to remember the good things. I don’t want you to remember anything that will spoil it for you.”
I melt at the sentiment, but my eagerness is still there, pushing me to press for him to tell me. “But I—”
“I promise to tell you all about it one day. Soon. Can we agree on that?”
I gaze into his eyes, take in the softness there and nod. “Okay. We can agree on that.”
“Good.” He lets his hand fall to his lap and I look at the tattoo on his knuckles. “As for Catherine…” His voice trails off.
“I know. That part was still bad.”
“It was bad. But I wasn’t surprised.”
My brows knit. “So you knew what was going on?”
“No. I didn’t know. I just expected Catherine to cheat. I just didn’t know she would do it with my best friend. She cheated because she knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.”
“What in the world could that have been?”
“I didn’t love her.”
A stone drops in my stomach and I gaze back at him, wide eyed. “What?” I whisper out the word, unable to hide my disbelief.
“I didn’t have the feelings she needed me to have. It was crazy, when I found her with Jack, I felt worse about him. And nothing for her.”
“You looked like you loved her.” I state, sheepishly.
“Looks can be deceiving. I guess I was trying to have a normal life. And maybe trying to prove my mother wrong.”
Her. Damn it. I already feel bad for where this conversation has gone, but it’s time to talk about it. About the thing everyone wondered for years.
“I’m aware she wasn’t the best,” I try to keep my voice even, and free of judgment.
He smirks without humor. “Thank you for putting it so politely. She was fucking evil, Elodie.”
“I’m so sorry.” My heart aches for him as I think back to some of the things I witnessed her do. Things she thought I didn’t see, or wouldn’t remember because I was so young.
He sighs like a man who’s just taken his last breath. “Thank you.”
“What were you trying to prove her wrong about?” I murmur.
“That I was unlovable. And would never amount to anything.”
His words sink through me like weights dropped into deep water. Each one heavier than the last. “My God… but you knew that wasn’t true though.”
That humorless smile returns. “I wish I did, Lamb. She was my mother. I believed her. I guess I believed her even more when she tried to kill me.”
My throat closes, sealing the air from my lungs. I raise a trembling hand to my lips and gaze back at him, stunned to my core. “Kill? No.”
“She tried to drown me when I was nine,” he says, and the floor seems to tilt beneath me.
“Knox unknowingly saved me, but I still ended up in the hospital. My mother told everyone I slipped and hit my head in the bath. When I came to, I acted like I didn’t remember.
It kept me safe. For the most part. Knox tried to protect us as best as he could, taking our punishments but she still got to us the same.
She may have treated me worse in some respects because I knew her secret the longest. I was the first to discover her affair with the man she eventually left my father for. ”
“Oh Dorian, why didn’t you say something?”
Again, he shakes his head. “No one would have believed me.”
“But your father.”
“No, Lamb. He was so in love with her he couldn’t see truth.
And even if he did, I have a feeling he would have suggested something like therapy, when she needed to be behind bars.
” Hurt blooms in his eyes. I feel worse for him.
“The only thing he couldn’t live with was her carrying another man’s child.
Deep down, I’ve always thought he sent us away to live with our grandparents because he was embarrassed. Because he didn’t do anything sooner.”
That made sense, and seemed like something his father would do. Jeremiah Vale is a very private man. He would deal with something so serious away from everyone else.
“I admire my father for his success and business mind, but I always promised to never lose myself in love the way he did with my mother. But I guess the whole thing fucked with me.”
“You went through a lot. Of course, you would feel that way.” I understand him so much better now. The control, the abrasiveness, the rules. Quite honestly, it’s a wonder how he didn’t turn out worse.
Dorian nods, but then the lightness from earlier returns to his eyes. “It was a lot. But… it looks like I proved her wrong after all. Proved myself wrong too. Look at me, sitting here with my beautiful wife.”
My whole body goes quiet. Even my blood stops moving. “I… me I’m…” I can hardly speak.
“I love you.”
All my thoughts narrow to just him. Tapering to those three words. Three words that dismantle me completely, tearing down every guard and every careful thing I built around my heart to shield myself.
My vision blurs and a tear trickles down my cheek before I even realize I’m crying. My lips part. I have so much to say, but there’s only one thing that’s important now.
“I love you, too,” I tell him, my voice filled with all the raw emotions swelling my heart.
He takes my hand and brings it up to his lips to kiss. “If I could truly start over, I’d go right back to the past.”
I smile, despite the steady stream of tears I can’t seem to stop. “Would you?”
“Yes. Or at least when you walked into me in the coffeehouse.”
“I think it worked out in the end.”
“End? No, Lamb. This is just the beginning.” He gives me a genuine smile and pulls me closer. “Come here.”
I move to him, meeting his lips for a kiss that warms my soul.
At least I know the deeper I fall, he’ll be right next to me.
Because he’s mine.