Chapter 31
JULIUS
I’ve officially stepped off the ledge into hell because Rose deserved better.
As I hold her soft body in my arms, I experience a moment’s madness.
My heart is breaking for her. She deserves better than me.
I hate that I’ve played straight into my father’s hands.
He will consider this a win. I do not because in claiming Rose so quickly and so brutally; I have robbed her of one of the most basic pleasures a woman dreams of. Falling in love.
I’m not saying I don’t want to make a child with Rose, or that I didn’t want to marry her. Nobody was more surprised than me when it became the most important thing in my world.
Images of her being taken from me haunt me and imagining her being taken by a callous criminal who doesn’t have her best interests at heart leaves me cold.
But she belongs with me. It didn’t take long for me to realize that, and yet I’m the biggest asshole in the world right now because she deserved better than me.
For the first time in my life, I feel inadequate. As if I don’t measure up. I should have taken things slower, given her the fairy tale, but instead I arranged a shotgun wedding of sorts and then sealed the deal almost as quickly as I said I do.
“Julius.” She sounds happy, content even, and my hold tightens as I bury my face against her hair.
“Thank you.”
I close my eyes tightly because this is God’s punishment. Can I feel any worse because she is thanking me for ruining her life? She will never be free now and always chained to the madness my world brings like a freak storm on repeat.
As I said, she deserves way better than me.
“Was it okay?”
I hate how nervous she sounds and whisper, “Baby, you have blown my mind.”
I pull back and kiss her softly, sensing I don’t really belong here. She is too good for me, and I’m the thief who just stole the rarest jewel from a collection that is priceless and doesn’t belong in my grubby fingers, and now that it’s there, I don’t really know what to do with it.
I must protect it from others who want what I have, but is it really mine?
“Do you think it worked?”
She sounds nervous, so I roll onto my back, dragging her with me and her head rests on my chest as I rub circles on her back.
“Possibly.”
“I feel different.”
Her words make me chuckle because she is so innocent.
“It wouldn’t work that fast.”
“No.” She giggles, which strikes like a missile in the heart.
“I mean, you made me a woman today, your woman, and I am so happy about that.”
Kill me now.
My inner voice is raging at me because why am I such a bastard?
I don’t deserve a woman like Rose, and it’s stabbing me on repeat in my heart.
She deserves better, and yet here we are now.
There is no going back, and so it’s up to me to be the best husband possible to her because I will not be like my father.
“I want to tell you something, Rose.”
I take a deep breath as she plants a soft kiss on my chest. Intimacy creating a bond that I never expected.
“Okay.”
She pulls back and stares at me with a loving gaze, and my heart plummets off a cliff. I wonder how long it will take before she looks at me very differently and I push that image away and enjoy this for as long as it lasts.
“When my father instructed me to come for you, it was for the same reason as every other fucker out there.”
She stiffens, and I sigh inside.
Well, that didn’t take long.
I’m not sure why I’m telling her this; perhaps I should have said something before I fucked her, and I grip her a little tighter.
“I wasn’t happy about that.”
“I see.”
Her world crashes before me, and I reach out and gaze what I hope is lovingly into her eyes and hiss, “I never expected you.”
Her eyes drop, and I force her to look at me as I grip her face, commanding her to stare into my eyes as I whisper, “Then I met you, and you blew my world apart. It became so important for me to protect you. To keep the others away because the thought of you with anyone other than me drove me crazy. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I would kill to keep you, Rose, and not because of my father’s wishes. ”
“Then what?”
The pain in her eyes replaced the euphoria of earlier, and it’s now the most important thing in my world to restore that.
“Because it hit me hard that you were mine. Not because of your inheritance or my father’s instructions, or because I wanted anything other than you.
I can’t imagine my life without you, and I never expected to feel like that, but well–” I heave a deep breath.
“What I’m saying is, I married you for real today because I wanted to and not because my father told me to. ”
“I see.”
Her eyes lose a little of their pain, and she nods, before pulling away and sitting up, clutching the sheets high against her body.
My heart is aching as I sense I have ruined what we had already, and she whispers, “It doesn’t matter.
I wanted to marry you, Julius. I asked you, remember, and you said no, and for some reason I don’t believe that was part of your game.
Whatever your reasons were have changed, I can see that, and yes, it sucks hearing that you were on the same mission as the others, but you were successful for a reason. ”
She turns and smiles almost guiltily.
“You may be surprised to learn that I’m not very religious.”
She giggles at the shock on my face and shrugs.
“The convent was my sanctuary—a place of peace and safety—but I always knew it was never meant to be my home. The hardest part of leaving was walking away without my sisters. Then you stepped into my life and showed me that I could stand on my own. You helped me see that I’m stronger than I ever believed.
So, I suppose what I’m trying to say, Julius, is don’t worry—I think I used you too. ”
She stares at me with a guilty expression, and I move to sit beside her, grasping her hand where my rings sit proudly on her wedding finger.
“Used me. How?”
I’m not bothered by that; hell, it impresses me, and she smiles.
“I feel safe with you. When that man tried to pull me off the streets, the only thing that mattered to me was the thought of losing you. Whatever reasons brought us together, I’m grateful for them, because you are safety to me, Julius.
I may be afraid of the world, but I am not afraid of you.
I love being with you, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
If anything, I’m grateful for your honesty and if–” She glances down at our entwined fingers.
“If we made a new life today, I would consider it an honor.”
For a moment we stare at one another, and then I reach up and guide her lips to mine, and this time I kiss her with a promise.
Whatever brought us together no longer matters because we are here now.
It’s the future that counts and I will make it my life’s work to make this up to Rose and give her everything, including my heart and I will burn the world down before letting it touch her because we’re now a team, and nothing will change that.