Chapter 7
Seven
Tucker
What is happening right now?
I have the world’s cutest little boy holding my hand, walking into my house like he owns it, towing his hot dad along in his wake as well.
That’s not even the most surreal thing that’s happened this afternoon.
Having Sebastian sort of break down over his struggles with being a father and feeling like a failure had me fighting the urge to drag him in for a hug or to push his hair off his face whenever he looked down.
It had me on edge, knowing I could fuck this up at any moment.
I like physical touch—it’s how I connect—but I know better than to put my hands on a stranger, even when they’re hurting, because I don't know how they’ll react. Not everyone wants to be touched, and not everyone wants you in their personal space when they’re feeling down.
But Sebastian seemed to need it, welcome it even, and I couldn't fight the urge to give him some hope when he was spiraling.
I just have to be careful. Straight dudes don't always like it when gay men get touchy-feely. Even if he doesn't know I’m gay just yet, he probably will at some point, and I’d hate for him to misinterpret my desire to help.
I pick Enzo up, put him in a chair at the kitchen island, and tell Lux to go to her place, which is a dog bed in the living room. I purposefully don't look at Sebastian as I wash my hands and gather a dish of marinated chicken, some vegetable kabobs, and my grill tools from the kitchen.
“Alright, kid, time to grill,” I tell Enzo.
“Can I play with Lux while you cook?” Enzo asks, looking bored already.
I chuckle. “Sure thing. There’s a ball in the basket by the door. She’ll love you forever if you throw it for her. Just know she won't stop playing, so you can tell her to drop the ball when you get tired.”
Enzo screeches in happiness as Sebastian helps him down from the chair, and he runs for the toy basket, digging around until he finds a ball, then opens the door and calls for Lux, who follows after him, intent on the ball in his hand.
“Anything I can do to help?” Sebastian asks.
“Yeah, grab a couple of beers from the fridge and bring them out to the deck with you. My hands are full,” I say with a smile, and lift the plate of kabobs balanced on the dish of chicken in one hand, and the grill tools and cooking spray in the other.
“Yes, sir,” he says, and fuck if that doesn’t make my dick twitch.
Calm down, little buddy. He didn’t mean anything by it.
Just a polite answer to my request. I watch as Sebastian turns toward the fridge and grabs two beers.
His back flexes under the high-end cotton of his t-shirt that emphasizes muscles and miraculously never wrinkles as he moves, and his ass is perfectly hugged by his shorts when he bends.
I shouldn’t be noticing any of this. I turn around before he does and will myself to forget the image of the hot hockey player getting me a beer in my kitchen.
“I love a frosty Corona.” The caps clink as he uses the bottle opener on the fridge door before walking up behind me and opening the door to the deck so I can go through.
“I don't see them much down here in Atlanta. They were a staple when I lived in LA, so they became a favorite, even after I moved back to New York.”
I whistle. “So you really are a city boy. Shoulda known with those fancy clothes.”
He laughs as he pretends to pop a nonexistent collar. “I like a nice quality shirt, I’ll give you that. Not all of us get to escape to the woods, Country Boy.”
I smile as I set my load down at the grill and get it going as Sebastian leans next to me. I finish up, and he hands me a beer when I’m settled. We lean on the railing around the deck where we can watch Enzo play with Lux.
“Won’t someone be missing you tonight? Maybe a wife or girlfriend?
” I ask casually as we both take sips from our bottles.
It’s a question I’ve been dying to ask, but only feel comfortable even broaching the subject now that we’ve had some time to get comfortable around each other.
I hope I asked it tactfully enough, but I still cringe a little when his face drops and he looks down at his hands that hold the bottle by the neck over the railing.
“No wife. She, uh, died when Enzo was born.”
My heart drops into my ass, and I dip my head down over my arms, feeling like the shittiest person in the world for bringing it up.
“Man, I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn't mean to bring up something so sad,” I blurt, not knowing what to say to diffuse the situation after leading us to this.
How can I have been so tactless and stupid?
Why’d I even ask? I don't need to know if he’s seeing someone that badly.
It’s not like he’s going to be interested in me anyway.
Sebastian waves me off. “Don't worry about it. You wouldn't have known either way. It’s really hard to date with a little kid and my schedule. I’ve been a single dad ever since. Maybe I chose the hard way to raise my kid, but I think it would suck more to bring a bunch of random women into Enzo’s life who don't stick around. He already has so much upheaval with my moves and hockey schedule, which means he has more people coming and going as it is. The last thing he needs is a parade of my dates confusing him, too.”
“I understand that. Having a kid is so precious, but it complicates life even when it makes it so much better.”
He nods. “Besides, no one fully understands what that kind of loss is like, so it’s not like I can just explain it once, replace her, and be fine with it. It feels insurmountable some days.”
I look over at him as my heart constricts.
“I feel that. I lost partners while on the police force, and that’s not something you just walk away from and get a replacement for like it’s nothing.
People don't understand. They downplayed it because of my role on the force, saying I shouldn’t be as affected because they were dogs.
They expected me to bounce back, act normal, forget about it, and I still can't years later.”
I shake my head as I think of Titan, and Echo before him.
My heart twinges with the memories that are just as sharp today as they were years ago.
I lost pieces of myself with each of them, and I’ll never be whole again.
Time heals and makes the sting of loss easier to talk about and move through, but I still feel the ache like phantom limb pain.
“If they’d passed from old age, I might have been able to grieve and chalk it up to the way of life.
Having them violently taken from me ripped that option out of my hands and left me scarred emotionally and physically, too,” I say, voice a quiet rumble full of emotion.
I run my thumb over the embossed label on the beer bottle as I look up and catch Sebastian staring at me with rapt attention.
His face manages to look relieved and tortured at the same time.
“That’s exactly it. No one on any of the teams I’ve played for has lost a spouse, and most haven't even lost a close family member at this point in their lives. I can't talk about it with my teammates because they don't understand to the extent that’s needed to fathom the emotions, the guilt of surviving and having to function daily, or the unbearable weight of not living up to the expectations I know are on me. Everyone wants something from me, which feels like an added burden as I navigate each day after losing the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. But the world doesn't stop for you to grieve, or get your shit together, it just keeps marching on, expecting you to fall in step and act like everything’s normal.”
I watch Sebastian intently as he spills his pain, his face twisted with the words he hasn’t been able to say to anyone for fear of them misunderstanding, and the relief that sags his shoulders at finally being able to share the emotions he’s kept bottled up.
I see so much of my own struggle mirrored back to me.
It hurts so much to see someone else dealing with this. My heart aches for him.
I set my beer on the railing and reach over, dragging him into my chest and wrapping my arms around him.
It’s a platonic hug, meant to convey safety and a secure place to feel everything he needs to.
I don't care if it’s weird as fuck, and guys aren’t supposed to hug.
I’d want to be held like this in his place, and I’m not going to let societal norms fucking stop me now.
If this is what keeps him away later, then so be it.
At first, he flinches at the contact, and for a moment, he remains frozen, but when I don’t let go, he exhales a shuddering breath and melts into my arms. He ducks his face into my shoulder, forcefully wrapping his arms around my back and holding on like I’m a lifeline in a storm-tossed ocean.
This lasts for several long minutes. We take comfort in each other in a way only survivors of the same grisly tragedies can.
We’re two broken men who found solace in each other, and I gave him a place to feel the emotions, name them, and we can receive comfort from each other while we fight our demons back-to-back.
“Dad, Lux is so fast!” Enzo shouts breathlessly, his feet pounding up the stairs of the deck.
Sebastian pulls away, but I think I feel a reluctance in how he lets go, which surprises me.
Did he want to stay in my arms longer? I would have held him as long as he let me.
I know he doesn’t think of me as anything other than an outlet now that he knows I can understand his loss, and he wouldn’t see me as a love interest, regardless.
I can’t get my hopes up and hurt my own feelings that badly.