Hailee
It’s my last few hours in New York before my redeye to Seattle. I got the email detailing what my accommodations will be for the project this morning.
After Seattle, I’ll be staying at a Holiday Inn in a small town called Lusk.
According to Google Street View, Lusk has a single highway running through town taking logging trucks through the mountains. Oh, and a McDonald’s. I wasn’t expecting a grand lodge in the woods, but still, it’s not pretty.
Living out of a hotel for the foreseeable future isn’t something I’d fully thought through.
But this job is about the woods and the people I’ll spend my days with. Not where I sleep alone at night.
I’m not worried. I’m excited. At least, when my mind isn’t busy thinking about Alex.
I should hate his mining empire. His tailored suits and perfectly quaffed hair.
But I can’t. When I think about Alex, it’s not just about the mind-blowing sex. It’s him finding me asleep against that oak tree. His strong hand guiding me back through the dark. His genuine concern.
He’s not the kind of man to get bored with me because I said yes and chased him down my apartment steps.
“What do you think? Is green too basic?” Sophia steps out of her bedroom wearing a dark green dress and a gray overcoat on top of it.
The rally at Central Park is tonight. I was given a backstage pass with my job and selected Sophia as my plus one. I can only be there for about an hour before I have to take a cab to JFK, and after that I’m giving my credential pass to Alana, who’s joining us for drinks in a little bit.
“You look great. I wouldn’t second-guess it,” I say, happy for the distraction.
We’ve had a fun day together.
I was so nervous about leaving that I slept at Sophia’s apartment last night. Not like I had a choice. My place is already empty. All my luggage that I’ll be living out of for the next several months has already been picked up and shipped ahead of me, and my other things have been moved to a storage locker in New Jersey.
However, sleeping on my wood floor with my backpack carry-on as a pillow might have been preferable to the jackhammering from above that woke us up at seven in the morning here. I forgot about the penthouse renovations going on above that she’d mentioned.
Now that Sophia is ready to go, it’s my turn to get dressed, and that means I’m another hour closer to leaving. I dress a little more casually in a comfy navy sweater, since I’m catching a plane, not the after party. Plus, it’s windy and freezing today.
When I come back out to the small living room, Sophia extends her hand to me. “Oh, .”
I give it to her.
“Try to look more excited,” she says.
“I hate flying,” I say like this is the reason for my melancholy and not the fact that I’m leaving my friends and Alex and everything I know.
The two of us sit together side-by-side and have a moment. Our hands are clasped together. Nothing is said or needs saying. It’s a milestone moment in any friendship or relationship. One I reached with Alex, too.
Sophia and I sit in silence for a minute until she eventually sighs, slaps my thigh, and stands. “Alrighty! Let’s go get a buzz.”
I groan as she helps me to my feet. We go to the bar downstairs. It’s pub style, with a low coffered ceiling, two dozen beers on tap, and wood everything. We skip the beer and order vodka tonics, and after we’ve had two, Alana joins us.
“Oh, how are you?” Alana says and opens her arms for a hug.
“Nervous,” I say, bringing it in.
“That’ll go. How’d your date with Jack go?”
Sophia and I look at each other. I don’t want Alana to feel bad. “Great. I feel like I’m ready to get back out there.” The lie in my tone seems obvious to me, but I’m not confronted.
Once Alana starts drinking, too, I feel like the odd one out. I’ve been acting with Sophia, but it becomes twice as hard to pretend to enjoy myself when I see two people who actually are having a good time.
I don’t want them to worry about me. I have a third drink and keep a fake smile on my face even when I’m not talking, which is most of the time. I’m having a hard time contributing to the conversation.
I could call Alex right now. I could go to his mansion on Park and bang on the door, and he’d open it.
Kiss me.
I stop thinking before my eyes well with tears. I don’t want to spoil this evening for Sophia and Alana. I’m sure they have emotions they’re hiding today, too.
I just want today to be done. To remove the illusion of choice. Put my two thousand miles from that man already. It’s this time limit I can’t stand. Once I get on this flight, I’m not coming back to New York for months. Even if my job is wet, dirty, and all around nothing like I hope it is, I’m not running home with my tail between my legs.
I down the second half of my drink quickly and force myself to talk and laugh along.
Before I know it, I’ve tricked myself into having a good time and it’s time to go to Central Park.
Sophia pulls out her phone and takes a selfie of the three of us, and I put on a perfect fake smile, but Sophia can’t get it to focus right away. By the time she’s taken the photo, my sadness has crept back into my smile.
It’s not just Alex on my mind anymore. It'll be a long time before the three of us are together like this again.
I hate how much I’m in my own head right now. I am excited for Washington. It’s just a bigger move than I’ve ever made. Maybe it’s this dark bar.
I could use the October air. Some cold air in my lungs. On the sidewalk, no instant relief comes. The world is dark and windy. It’s the wrong kind of energy in the air.
We walk towards Central Park and blend with the hundreds heading in the same direction. There’s a speech by Al Gore, the mayor, and a live performance by Aimee Mann. There’ll be young and old hippies galore.
I guess the free admission means things will be packed, because from the crowds, it looks like we’re heading towards a sporting event.
Alana splits to find some coworkers that are attending, and Sophia and I wrestle our way backstage. The whole event feels disorganized. A teenager just nods at our lanyards, and I’m thankful that it won’t be very hard for Sophia to smuggle Alana back here once I’m gone.
There must be ten thousand people here. More. And the excitement in the air is all for a project that I get to be a direct part of.
The energy is thankfully infectious.
In five minutes, I go from fearing I’m going to spend this event scanning the crowd for Alex to excitedly shaking hands with a few people backstage who are going to be my coworkers in Washington.
“ Barnes, right?” says a tall, handsome man with a short beard and shoulders broad enough to zipline across.
“Yeah,” I say, surprised to be recognized.
“Not to be a LinkedIn creep, but I’m working with you on the southwest parcel of the park.”
“Awesome!”
“Ryan. Ryan Swasey.”
We shake hands, and I try not to be too sweet with my eyes.
“I think we’ve got the prettiest section. I might be biased, of course.”
“Okay, I didn’t want to say this to anyone else, but I totally agree,” I say.
We laugh, and he’s quickly called away by a woman with a clipboard and headset. I’m left downright giddy to meet the rest of my team.
This is why fate had shut up. This is the rest of my life. I’ve always been smart. Always been the girl who follows her head, not heart. It wasn’t a mistake then.
And it’s not one now.